Islamic divorce HELP

[aishaali]

I have a Nikkah in the UK so it is not recognised as a civil marriage. I have two kids and we were Islamically married for 4 years. My husband left me 2 months ago and has told me he has booked an Islamic divorce with an imam in 2 weeks time. He doesn’t pay any maintenance or anything, he has just left to live with his parents, and I am left with the 2 kids at home paying rent. The thing is I have no financial protection here or no rights whatsoever. I told him I won’t be attending the Islamic divorce because it is too soon. A legal divorce takes months, even years to settle, and somehow for an Islamic divorce he can literally sign a paper with an imam present and divorce me there and then. I said I will not attend to delay the divorce because we need to have childcare plans and financial arrangements in place. He said if I don’t attend the appointment in 2 weeks then apparently he is able to sign the forms without me and do the Islamic divorce without me even being present! He said women don’t get a say in islam so he will divorce me and send me a divorce paper through the post. How crazy is that? I feel so helpless. Ideally I wanted to save the marriage but I have no time and certainly no time to settle finances etc. Has any other Muslim woman with only an Islamic Nikkah ceremony been divorced by their husband without even being present at the mosque? Why do women in UK get no say in Islamic divorce? Since it is not a legal marriage I have no power or protection or rights.

Correct. You might have thought of yourself as being married. Because religiously you were married. But legally you have never been married. Legally you are now and always have been a spinster. Which is why you need to take everyone's advice to contact CMS.

You're being a bit dense, OP. Everyone here is telling you that you are not married and therefore you cannot get divorced. It seems like you're deliberately misunderstanding this. Like a previous poster, I too seem to know more about Islamic divorce than you, an alleged Muslim.

@aishaali I understand that you are upset and that this isn't what you want but you need to take a big breath and really objectively look at your situation and decide how you want this to play out long term.

You are in a relationship with a person who thinks it's ok to impregnate you, bring children into the world and regularly abandon them and their mother with no financial assistance at their whim.

You have accepted and allowed this on repeated occasions. Do you want this to be the pattern of your life for the next 50 years? How many more children will you have with this man and be left to care for alone?

Legally

• you are not married
• there is no legal divorce proceeding
• you can claim child maintenance. This does assume he has regular income that can be evidenced. If he is self employed and can control what his income looks like then there could be issues here.

Culturally/religiously

• you are married
• he has pretty much complete control over whether or not that religious marriage is ended.

Surely you are entitled to financial support for the children, like any other abandoned mother.

Do you not have parents here in the UK or other relatives?

do you want to be with him because you don’t want to be a ‘divorced woman’ or because you actually love him?

does he have another wife/person he’s involved with (if he leaves a lot, then comes back a few months later, I mean)?

What is your main reason for stopping the divorce? Do you love this man? Is he kind, caring and considerate. Does he help at home, bring joy to you and the children? What exactly is upsetting you?

Coming and going and messing you around. Not providing for his kids etc is abusive. Why do you want him in your life? There is no shame btw if he leaves you, watch Brene Brown talks on shame on YouTube.

If your friends and family see you as being shamed because he left but don’t think he is a disgrace for leaving his young kids and NOT paying for them, then shame on them!

You could not stop a legal divorce, if he doesn’t want to be with you then he could divorce anyway.

Do you work? Can you provide for yourself and your children?

Child maintenance has nothing to do with marriage, file a claim with cms if you are in the U.K. As you are aware, under British law you aren't married so you are entitled to 50% of jointly held assets - if you have any a solicitor can help with this.

It sounds like you were aware of your status, and I know in the U.K. imans do inform women that they should insist on a civil marriage as part of marriage prep. Many mosques offer a civil celebrant space these days

You don't need to contact a solicitor. You are not married in law. You could go out and get married next week to someone else if you pleased! You've been legally single the whole time.

Fgs she’s upset you don’t need to twist the knife. She’s grown up in Islam believing a nikkah is a wedding like my Church of England one and didn’t know the full implications. It suits the men to let them believe this.

I watched a program on this years ago, other women had been caught out the same way.

I read something once about a similar circumstance. The woman got a lawyer and took him to court. She was able to get half of his assets and money to support her children. Do you have any marriage papers and details of who officiated your marriage? If he divorces you make sure you get this in writing too.

You aren’t legally married so any ‘divorce’ is irrelevant. You are entitled to maintenance for your kids from him. Phone the CMS on Monday to start a claim. Why do you want to save a relationship with such a shit man though, that doesn’t care enough about his kids to even pay towards their upkeep? That’s something to think about,

That's right, OP. In the eyes of UK law, you are not married and never were, because you didn't ever register your marriage legally. I'm so sorry that you didn't fully understand this.

You're in a difficult situation. You've been treated badly by your husband and you've been let down by others around you. It's natural to feel stressed and angry.

You need to look forward though now. You can rebuild your life. Decent people will not judge you for the way that your husband has treated you; anyone who does judge isn't worth worrying about. You need to start thinking about the practicalities of how you're going to manage on your own. What financial help you may be able to get from the state, what child maintenance you can claim from the father of your children etc. It might seem impossible now, but you can do this. You can move forward with your life in a positive direction. You might even find that you are much happier in the longer term without your shitty husband weighing you down.

You can't be legally divorced if you were never legally married in the first place. You were and are a single woman cohabiting with a man.

@aishaali

You aren't legally married so you can't legally divorce. An Islamic marriage is just a ceremony without the civil registration.

OP you need to start making plans. Do you work? How are you going to pay rent? Can you move back in with your family? Can you book to see the imam to explain your worries about being abandoned and ask for help?

I don't understand how you've been born into Islam but don't know the very basics of Islamic marriage and divorce. How did you not know that he needs to wait 3 months (that's in case of pregnancy btw)? I'm astounded .

Hi Op,

Just to reiterate a few other posters comments:

You have never been legally married.

Even if you were legally married, you cannot stop your partner from divorcing you. In the UK, any partner who wants a divorce can grant the divorce - you do not need the consent of your partner to get a divorce. remember this is a really good thing, as it means people who are in abusive and controlling relationships can get out - nobody can be held against their will in a marriage if they file for divorce.

it sounds like your husband does want to end your relationship, and it’s clear you are struggling with that decision but what you need to remember is that you can still claim for child maintenance under UK law. He absolutely has a legal right to provide for his children. Can you contact CMS? They can help you ensure he pays you monthly to cover the costs of the children living with you. If he refuses, he will eventually be summoned to court. Please exercise your legal rights and contact CMS.

It is sad that he wants to end your relationship and you don’t, but you will need to accept that and move on - but he can’t just walk away from his financial responsibilities as a parent.

He is loving at times. He helps with kids when asked but won’t use his own initiative to do it. He can have anger issues which is why he tends to walk out on us during an argument. He provides groceries and helps with paying rent
mainly he is a goodlooking man and a lot of my friends say my husband is good looking and I’m lucky to have him. I find him physically attractive so looks have never been an issue
and mainly marriage is hard to find in this day and age it’s hard to meet a life partner and I already have one so why let it go so easily. I don’t want to be a lonely single mum
yes I do work and have a universal benefit

An islamic marriage is not a legal marriage in the UK. Only church weddings or weddings officiated by registrants are official. You are not legally married and never were. You should have been advised to have a legal wedding, most people nip in with their parents or friends for this.
Other than basic child maintenance, you are entirely reliant on your husband's generosity, assuming you were also not on the house deeds, if you owned one.
It is not only in Britain that women are not treated well by Islamic Law. I thought everyone knew that...

Good looks are worth nothing, OP. They will fade with time in any case.

Better to be alone in my view, than with a partner who treats you like shit and doesn't want to be there.

Do you have very low self esteem, OP? You seem to have very low expectations of a relationship.

Hi I'm a Muslim woman and I was the one who left and divorced my ex husband for the well-being of me and my child. He refused to sign the divorce papers after a set time he was warned that the marriage would be resolved regardless , as you can't force somebody to stay married to you.
Also being divorced is only frowed upon if its taken lightly and for no reason. Some peoples cultures/older generations may frown upon it but that is not an Islamic thing.
You have a duty as a mother to put your child in a happy and safe environment.
I really can't understand why you would want to delay a divorce, when the marriage is very clearly over. You are not happy ,he clearly isn't and the fact that he's done this 5 times can't be creating a nice atmosphere for your children.

Whether your divorced or still married it will not effect you claiming for child maintenance.

In the nicest possible way you need to educate yourself and should have done before marriage.

You cannot raise your children and look after your well being if your only with somebody because you care of what others might think ?

I do not know the full story but he is not behaving correctly, so I can't imagine from what you have said that he would make you and the kids happy.

Also ,I'm not sure what you want ? Even if you were married under UK law , your kids would still be entitled to the same amount of maintenance as they are now.

Please understand your self worth and look after yourself. X

You seem to imply that only men can impart basic legal information - why do Muslim women not educate each other? Or father's educate their daughters? It is outrageous that this can still happen.

You can't. You have no standing at all in this matter. You're not legally married and never have been.

The question is how coul you possibly, as a muslim, not know all this already? I know all about Islamic divorce and I'm not even muslim. It literally says on your nikkah nama whether you have any delegated rights to divorce (you don't).

I was going to say this. I'm not a Muslim and I knew about saying talaq three times. Come on, OP, educate yourself. Knowledge is power.