Islamic divorce HELP

[aishaali]

I have a Nikkah in the UK so it is not recognised as a civil marriage. I have two kids and we were Islamically married for 4 years. My husband left me 2 months ago and has told me he has booked an Islamic divorce with an imam in 2 weeks time. He doesn’t pay any maintenance or anything, he has just left to live with his parents, and I am left with the 2 kids at home paying rent. The thing is I have no financial protection here or no rights whatsoever. I told him I won’t be attending the Islamic divorce because it is too soon. A legal divorce takes months, even years to settle, and somehow for an Islamic divorce he can literally sign a paper with an imam present and divorce me there and then. I said I will not attend to delay the divorce because we need to have childcare plans and financial arrangements in place. He said if I don’t attend the appointment in 2 weeks then apparently he is able to sign the forms without me and do the Islamic divorce without me even being present! He said women don’t get a say in islam so he will divorce me and send me a divorce paper through the post. How crazy is that? I feel so helpless. Ideally I wanted to save the marriage but I have no time and certainly no time to settle finances etc. Has any other Muslim woman with only an Islamic Nikkah ceremony been divorced by their husband without even being present at the mosque? Why do women in UK get no say in Islamic divorce? Since it is not a legal marriage I have no power or protection or rights.

Yes I apologised to pp for taking it the wrong way. I’m thankful to people on this thread who have been nothing but nice and advised me of the support available. Not everyone has been helpful but most people have and I am grateful for that support

@aishaali I know you did, sorry, cross posted!

And it is that 'preference' that people here are struggling with because it makes you look desperate. Why would you 'prefer' to be this man's doormat? Because that is exactly what he treats you as. Most women would think they were worth more than a spineless weak excuse of a man who runs away to his mother every five minutes and doesn't have the balls to treat his wife with respect. You on the other hand seem quite desperate to have a weak spineless excuse of a man. Is this really what Shane reduces Muslim women to? Please want more for yourself. You are worth more and deserve more? Being single would be my preference if a man like yours is the prize.

Shame

Its the stigma that is attached to a young woman of some cultures, even if the divorce is the man's fault it's nearly always the woman who is gossiped about and made to feel ashamed.
I'm sorry @aishaali for what you must be going through, I don't know if the above is the case for you but if it is hold your head up high in the knowledge that you have done nothing wrong here.
It's all on him!

Divorce is incredibly common in Muslim cultures.

Hhe sounds like a really shit human being op. We would you want to stay with someone so cruel and toxic?

Leaving you 5 times already! He os so obviously only doing that because he is a bully and is trying to control you. I'd be surprised if he divorces you. It just sounds like a bs threat to upset you. (Because he's a horrible person).

Unless there another woman on the scene.

Seriously op,see a solicitor and pursue child support.

But id do all you can to keep this 'man' gone.

Ps: if you want him vack, it's simple. You say 'OK, cool, we're obviously not right for eachother anyway. Let me know when we're divorced.

Before that 2 weeks is up (tbh, probably within a day) he will move back in.

Because its all a sham in order to manipulate you. Seriously. Plain as the nose on my face.

Unless, like I said, there's another woman on the scene.

Nailed it

One day you'll realise you don't need or want him. Once you leave that situation and you're happier you will not want him back. This instability is not good for you or your family you need someone who is committed fully.

He has done this before. At least 5 times. He gets bored, unhappy of routine life at home, leaves to his mothers and returns after a few months.

But OP while I'm sure you do take good care of your kids, as PP says this instability and toxic dynamic is so damaging to them.

You're both teaching them that this is a normal dynamic and the longer you stay, the more likely it is that they'll replicate this relationship dynamic.

You're also teaching them that men are in charge of a relationship and that women should beg to keep a relationship going even when the man has left them repeatedly.

You can see surely that is damaging to them both in the short and long term?

@aishaali

Earlier in the thread you stated what is the point of marriage when a man can just walk out and get a divorce, even if the wife doesn't want one. It's called 'no fault divorce' and yes, it only takes one party to request it.

But just remember, that it's a two way street. For every man who divorces a wife who wants to keep a marriage intact, there is also a woman divorcing an abusive man who would like nothing better than to keep her a victim of his abuse. I was one of those women and I thank God for no-fault divorce.

Yes, I believe marriage vows should be kept whenever possible and not tossed away lightly. But when they aren't kept, by either party, the best thing to do is end it as quickly as possible leaving both parties free to find happier lives.

Yes, unfortunately he’s correct that in Islam he can say “I divorce you” three times and you’re divorced. Without legal marriage it’s not a recognised marriage in this country. However, I think you need to seek legal advice regarding your rights and his responsibilities, as you have children together. Im not sure whether you have citizenship or what the situation is here, but you need to urgently seek legal advice and get things in order. In Islam as I imagine you already know, the children are said to belong to the father, I can’t see this ending well without legal advice and help. Especially if his parents get involved and they are not respectful of you. You haven’t said what the situation is there. In Islam as you know, men can have up to 4 wives and also concubines. So by not having a legal marriage in the UK, this gives them a loophole for polygamy without getting done for bigamy. There are laws in this country that are above Islam, and whatever your current situation you can get help. I will pray for you. I understand what it is to be with a Muslim, not sure of your personal faith or standing in the Uk, but you urgently need advice and help. If you want to private message me I can direct you to some specific organisations that can help you, and listen and understand some of this struggle.