Islamic divorce HELP

[aishaali]

I have a Nikkah in the UK so it is not recognised as a civil marriage. I have two kids and we were Islamically married for 4 years. My husband left me 2 months ago and has told me he has booked an Islamic divorce with an imam in 2 weeks time. He doesn’t pay any maintenance or anything, he has just left to live with his parents, and I am left with the 2 kids at home paying rent. The thing is I have no financial protection here or no rights whatsoever. I told him I won’t be attending the Islamic divorce because it is too soon. A legal divorce takes months, even years to settle, and somehow for an Islamic divorce he can literally sign a paper with an imam present and divorce me there and then. I said I will not attend to delay the divorce because we need to have childcare plans and financial arrangements in place. He said if I don’t attend the appointment in 2 weeks then apparently he is able to sign the forms without me and do the Islamic divorce without me even being present! He said women don’t get a say in islam so he will divorce me and send me a divorce paper through the post. How crazy is that? I feel so helpless. Ideally I wanted to save the marriage but I have no time and certainly no time to settle finances etc. Has any other Muslim woman with only an Islamic Nikkah ceremony been divorced by their husband without even being present at the mosque? Why do women in UK get no say in Islamic divorce? Since it is not a legal marriage I have no power or protection or rights.

An Islamic marriage in the UK is no different form living with someone without being married.

you won’t delay the divorce by not attending. His saying he’s divorced you is a divorce.

you’re not living in an Islamic country so you have the same recourse as any non married mother left by her partner. Nothing.

claim child maintenance. That’s about as much as you’ll get here.

you can get an Islamic divorce yourself if you wanted, women do get a say. But neither the husband nor the wife can force a marriage to continue if one party does not wish to remain in the marriage.

A legal marriage would have protected your interests upon separation but you can’t force someone to stay married/living with you who doesn’t want to. If it was the other way round and you wanted to leave would you want to be forced to have to stay?

What is it you think marriage is? The purpose of marriage is to protect you legally and financially for the length of the marriage. It means one party can't run off with everything while leaving the other with nothing. It means if your spouse dies you will benefit automatically from life insurance, workplace benefits, inheritance etc.

Its purpose is not to keep unhappy people together.

By not getting legally married you have forfeited your rights to anything legal and financial that you would have been entitled to on divorce or death. Legally, (if he's earning) he only needs to support his children.

The most heartbreaking thing is this is that he doesn't care about his kids and you've barely mentioned them. If he hits you, does/will he hit them? And if he wants to divorce you he just needs to say talaq three times, he doesn't need an imam, which makes me think you are on the windup.

Nikkah in UK or France but there should be a UK or France legal marriage in civil service paperwork combination. This goes for most countries, you need to see what paperwork you have, if any.

Islam specifically stipulates to adhere to the laws of the land you live in.

I’ve only ever seen men who don’t want the responsibility of marriage pretend that the Nikah is enough and they’re somehow better not being legally married.

Why on earth do you want to be with someone - legalities and religion aside- that clearly doesn’t love you and treats you so badly?

We are lucky to live in a country where women have rights, the right to freedom to choose the life they want. Please grab this with both hands. You and the children deserve better.

I was going to suggest the Islamic Council too. But I wonder whether the Muslim Women's Network might be another option as it is aimed specifically at women.

www.mwnuk.co.uk/resourcesDetail.php?id=156

I'm not a Muslim and obviously don't have that expertise but I do know that there are organisations aimed to help you and other women in this situation.

You were married in the eyes of God according to Islam.

Yup, lots of quite ignorant anti-muslim sentiment here.

OP, you are currently not married in UK law, but you are in Islamic Law until he divorces you which he can do unilaterally.

Under UK law, as an unmarried mother, you have the right to seek child support from your childrens father, get onto CMS and put a claim in. He can take you to court to obtain access and/or custody of the children, assuming his name is on the birth certificates.

Under Islamic Law, as a woman with children who has been divorced by her husband, you are entitled to be provided with suitable accomodation, an allowance for a period of time and child maintainance. Get help from a specialist muslim womens organisation on how best to enforce this.

If you wanted the rights that come along with a legal wedding then you should have had a legal wedding. You chose to have an Islamic wedding so surely you need to abide by the Islamic divorce procedures too.

Personally I found this thread a really awful read. Your husband sounds ghastly and disrespectful and just awful, and you sound quite cruel too - wanting to force a man to stay with you when he’s left multiple times, shagged other women, told you he isn’t happy and that he doesn’t love you? You say divorce is embarrassing but surely it’s WAY more embarrassing to have everyone know your husband doesn’t want to be with yo, regularly leaves, sleeps around, and yet you keep making him stay?

Dont be selfish, think of your children. They are more important than you and your husband - all children deserve to be number one priority when parents decide things like this. They dont deserve all this upheaval and their dad leaving and coming back and the tension caused by this and the negative atmosphere it will feel.

Do you want your children to grow up thinking women are mugs undeserving of love or respect? Because that’s what your current behaviour will teach them.

Doesn’t help legally though

I don’t know what support you think you’d have in place a Muslim country. It would be left to your family to support you. Yes you could go to court for financial support from your ex husband but you can also do that in the UK and you’d get more.

It really is sad especially when I read that he gets tired of her and his other wives. Perhaps he would be better off with an expensive fleshlight if he gets bored that easy. I am starting to suspect that OP is either very very naive or she is not a genuine poster. I would think if I were muslim I might seek a forum or website specifically targeted to that demographic. Might get more sympathetic replies and better advice. But honestly I am very fed up with abrahamic faiths in general. They are all guilty of inhumane acts.

No one said it did. And I think you know that and are just being awkward.

It matters to the OP that she was married and she was - in the eyes of her God.

The man saying he divorced you is an Islamic divorce. And he only gets to say it three times after which it he divorce is not revocable.

you say you’re a born Muslim but aren’t aware of this? Really?

I don’t think anyone anywhere should be allowed to force anyone to stay in a marriage they do not wish to be in. Legal marriages in England certainly are not a shackle binding unwilling spouses together forever.

As well they should be. Otherwise abusive spouses would be able to keep their wives or husbands trapped in marriages they do not want.

I have to say, this is a most frustrating read.

You’ve got children - why on earth isn’t your thought for how this constant leaving by your husband affects them? Instead of for the supposed shame on you of having a failed marriage.

Can your family not speak to his? Have you spoken to his family.

Unfortunately just a nikkah offers you no protection under uk law. This is why you must insist on s civil ceremony aswell. Under uk law you've just been living as partners and as such have little if any protection

Your children will be entitled to help through child maintenance.

Im not 100% on the ins and out but as you're probably already aware its very easy to divorce a woman.

Hmm it's sad

I'm you got through it all.

And I hope that is a comfort to her.
However, she needs to proceed on the basis that she is not actually married instead of complaining about the fact.
Maybe being married in the eyes of God is important to OP but it’s of no practical use

Well if OP’s muslim family is anything like my bigoted christian family it’s probably because OP worries about the loss of familial support and how that could affect her children. While it doesn’t make sense to casual religious people and secular people it makes sense to people like us who were essentially religiously oppressed growing up and taught that our husband’s love defines us as a person. When my mother left my father she lost all the emotional and financial support of her family. That’s a huge deal. Don’t take it for granted. She was lonely and went bankrupt because of it.

Not been through it but my understanding is this is correct. Its not the correct way but does still count. I don't think there is a way of slowing it down.

I would consult the imam at your local mosque as i don't want to be advising you incorrectly

Can i ask if you've involved your family or spoken to his?

What is it you thought would happen if you were to get legally divorced? It is the couples responsibility to work through any problems, by seeking counselling for example. It isn't for the courts to make sure the couple have done everything they can, or want to do, in order to save their marriage. If one side has decided they would like to leave, for whatever reason, its up to no one else to try and persuade them to stay.

This is not my area of expertise but I been tangetally involved in the odd sharia case. My understanding is that although the Nikah is not recognised as a marriage under UK law you can ask for a certificate of annulment. Also, what were the arrangements about your dowry? Was it paid to you in full? If not my understanding is that as he is divorcing you he has to pay it over. If he doesn't you have a right to claim it (think you might need the certificate of annulment first). This shouldn't affect your rights to child maintenance so get onto the CMS on MOnday morning and get your claim in. Is he employed? If so you should be able to ask for it to be deducted from his salary and paid directly by CMS.

Please though don't take my word for this and get a good solicitor who is familiar with Islamic marriage. There are quite a lot of firms where a female partner will give a free half hour to one of her Muslim sisters who needs help. See what is available in your area.

Thank you for this post.

I find it bizarre that a poster who writes Yes I’m born into islam has no idea of the basics of Islamic marriage and who needs to ask random people on MN - the vast majority of whom are not Muslim - for advice about the ending of said marriage.