Islamic divorce HELP

[aishaali]

I have a Nikkah in the UK so it is not recognised as a civil marriage. I have two kids and we were Islamically married for 4 years. My husband left me 2 months ago and has told me he has booked an Islamic divorce with an imam in 2 weeks time. He doesn’t pay any maintenance or anything, he has just left to live with his parents, and I am left with the 2 kids at home paying rent. The thing is I have no financial protection here or no rights whatsoever. I told him I won’t be attending the Islamic divorce because it is too soon. A legal divorce takes months, even years to settle, and somehow for an Islamic divorce he can literally sign a paper with an imam present and divorce me there and then. I said I will not attend to delay the divorce because we need to have childcare plans and financial arrangements in place. He said if I don’t attend the appointment in 2 weeks then apparently he is able to sign the forms without me and do the Islamic divorce without me even being present! He said women don’t get a say in islam so he will divorce me and send me a divorce paper through the post. How crazy is that? I feel so helpless. Ideally I wanted to save the marriage but I have no time and certainly no time to settle finances etc. Has any other Muslim woman with only an Islamic Nikkah ceremony been divorced by their husband without even being present at the mosque? Why do women in UK get no say in Islamic divorce? Since it is not a legal marriage I have no power or protection or rights.

shariahoffice.com/
Try the above link@aishaali

Hi OP, don’t waste any more time thinking about how you can persuade this silly man out of his plan for talaq. Focus on yourself and your children.

Lots of women have entered into a nikkah in the UK without realising they will not have any rights if there is talaq. You are not the only one. It is confusing, because the UK treats a nikkah carried out in some other countries like any other marriage, but not a nikkah carried out in the UK.

Many people around you - perhaps including your husband, or the imam who married you - will have known that a nikkah didn’t give you any rights under UK law. You should keep your anger not for yourself but for the people who knew what getting only a nikkah meant and didn’t warn you.

Under UK law you only have the rights of an ex-cohabitee, meaning very few rights, and it may be a waste of money to go to a solicitor. But it’s worth checking the situation with any property, bank accounts etc., in case you are named on them and can demand what’s yours. Contact a women’s group who can advise. You’ve been misled once by the people around you. Don’t let your husband mislead you now. Don’t assume what you have been told about your household money is true.

And you can most definitely claim child support for your children as everyone has told you, and you can also adjust your Universal Credit to reflect your new circumstances as single. You don’t need a solicitor to do that for you.

Regarding your Islamic rights, it might help to have someone who understands your community to advocate for you, to put across your side. If the imam and your community can make your husband understand his responsibilities, it may be easier to get him to help financially. You have done nothing wrong, and there is no Islamic reason for you to feel ashamed either. If anyone says you are to blame, that’s not Islam, it’s misogyny. Make sure you can prove talaq has happened in case you want another nikkah in the future, so make sure you get the paperwork as PP said. (And if you do want another nikkah in the future - with a much better man - insist on a UK registry office marriage as well, so your financial interests are protected.) Go along to the talaq meeting and hold your head up high.

As PP suggested, go to the Muslim Women’s Network. They can help you with all these issues and also help you think it through. Good luck!

@aishaali

"
Seriously? So what is the whole point of marriage when one person can just wake up one day and divorce you for no reason? Where is there any protection in marriage if you can divorce anyone whenever?"

The point of marriage is legal protection.
I'm so sorry OP but clearly your husband is an utter bastard, and no you are not married anymore. You never were legally, and as soon as he does the Islamic divorce you won't be religiously either.

Bless you @femfemlicious 💐

I wish I had a supportive family, but you can’t draw water from an empty well. Over the years I’ve learnt not to care what others think. My support came from a strong bunch of women I met in the mosque who didn’t judge, whisper, or sniff at me. Some told me stories of their family members who had been treated shabbily by weak men so they understood my predicament. I didn’t have kids, which made things easier.

OP - please find a good support system. Get in touch with Savera or Karma Nirvana - if they can’t help you they will point you towards others who can. You don’t have to go through this on your own.

www.saverauk.co.uk/

karmanirvana.org.uk/

It's not a British issue, its a women not acting like doormats

For fucks sake, he has left you FIVE times, he treats you worse than a slave, and you put up with it and beg him to come back.

Dig deep, find some pride and worth and don't let him come back, stop being a doormat

Marriage is an agreement between two people, not a prison. Anyone who wants to break that agreement should be allowed to do so!

If marriage is so easy to leave then what is the point of it? I thought a UK marriage would have bought me extra time then it just seems as pointless as a religious marriage if that is the case. There is no way for anyone to save their marriage if feelings of divorce are one sided then?

No not blaming Islam. Blaming every type of marriage now since I was under the impression UK laws would have helped me in saving the marriage and bought me some time. Clearly no form of marriage anywhere makes it hard for men to get a divorce. Apparently every type of marriage is easy to just leave

You chose not to have a legal UK marriage even though you knew your Islamic one was not recognised? It sounds like delaying the Islamic divorce won’t make any difference to the outcome.

Get some advice on your entitlements under UK law, particularly child support. Can you move in with family?

The law doesn't prevent people from trying to save their marriages. But as one enters into marriage of their own free will, so can one leave a marriage of their own free will. It would be wrong to force people to stay in it. It has nothing to do with being a Muslim in Britain. You can't force your husband to take marriage more seriously than he does, he either does or he doesn't.

@aishaali contact Muslim Women’s Network www.mwnuk.co.uk helpline number 0800 999 5786 mwnhelpline.co.uk

They do campaign work on this specific issue and lots of work advising women in vulnerable situations. www.mwnuk.co.uk/go_files/factsheets/945946-MWNUKMarriageBookletFinal-compressed.pdf

It’s awful that communities are devaluing legal marriage and sometimes not doing it at all and they do community work as well to educate, if anyone wants to donate.

Your poor kids witnessing all this back and forth.

They are being exposed to him treating you as disposable, with you then asking him to come back regardless.

I assume they've seen and heard a lot of, at minimum, shouting and arguing.

Do you want this to be the model of a relationship they grow up expecting to replicate?

What on earth do you think a marriage is?! It’s not compulsory for anyone to stay together if they don’t want to. Your husband has made his intentions known by his past behaviours and current decision. Pick up your self-esteem and focus your energies on your children and yourself. He may be easy on the eye if he exists but if he’s the way you describe him, he’s a nasty bastard. Nothing to do with Islam. He’d have left you eventually whatever faith he was (or not).

why on earth are you blaming British Laws?! You were old enough to get married, you had a nikkah knowing you weren’t legally married or protected. What do you want British laws to do for you now? The police to be despatched and him to be brought home to you and handcuffed to the living room radiator to make him stay with you? It’s over.

Marriage is not supposed to be a trap, OP. If one person wants out, then that's their choice. A legal marriage offers some financial protections, but it isn't designed to keep people in relationships that are making them unhappy.

Your "husband" has every right to leave, but he also has a duty to help support your children. Those two facts would be true whether you were legally married or not.

Why did you agree to the nikkah knowing you had no legal protections? Was it because he already had a legal wife? Was she on board with the nikkah? I really don’t agree with nikkah for this reason especially if the first wife was against it or not knowledgeable about it. It’s essentially victimizing them especially if they came to this country to get away from polyamory.

The only thing you can really do is simply sign up for benefits and try to press him for child support. Good luck!

Quite, and in particular, UK laws are the only ones that are applicable in the UK in relation to child support. Not that the system isn't crap, but it's our own laws we're doing a shit job of applying.

If this is even genuine, I think you should reflect on why you are so desperate to reunite with a waster who treats you like shit, he has cheated on you and is willing to throw away his life with you and the children on a whim. I’m amazed a culture that reveres and submits itself to God approves of his behaviour and would collude in making you and the children destitute.

Assuming OP is genuine I honestly don’t know why you would want to keep him. Put a claim in for child maintenance (I assume he’s on the birth certificate), change your status on universal credit. It will take time but in a year you’ll be glad you got shot of him.

You can’t force anyone to stay with you regardless of your marital status but you can do your best to make sure he takes responsibility for your children. I would also contact the imam and get any advice you can about his obligations. The advice for pushing him into mediation is a good one. At the very least it will expose any lack of financial support and hopefully provide you and your kids some recourse for financial support.

I’m pretty sure that you can’t go from being together to being told Talabat, Talaq, Talaq in one go. It’s my understand it’s done over over a period of time with one Talaq being given each time until 3 have been given. Well, at least it is where I live.

It’s because I live in the UK I have no support.

No, it's because you chose not to be married in the eyes of the law of this country, you accepted this form of relationship and should have known what you were getting into and its limitations.

Actually yeah that’s probably it
she’s the second wife so actually there prob would be a lot of shame on her if he divorces her

shitty situation all round

I think you can find a better man OP
one who is much more loving overall :)

I report the thread and my posts are the ones deleted while the thread still stands?? The Islamophobia gets more and more blatant by the day. Muslims who've been in the OP's situation have explained how sharia works and how she can utilise it to her advantage, but she's not listening and neither are the 'Islam is so backward' crowd.

London Central Mosque Trust & Islamic Cultural Centre
iccuk.org

Islamic Divorce (Talaq) there is a link.

Do phone and or email. They are London base in Regent Park but very helpful. They can help since they are knowledgeable about the laws and legal requirements.