DP's friend sent photographs of me to DP to infer I am cheating

[WhiteJoshsBiceps]

Please bear with me, this is a weird situation. It's so childish that I feel daft writing this but I needed an outlet for my frustrations.
I'm really angry so I'm sorry if this is all garbled, I've tried to put it in some kind of order.

DP's friend - Jon - has always hated me and has always been convinced that I would cheat on DP.

Jon has recently moved into our neighbourhood.

Last weekend, I had a PT session in my local park (now Jon's local park too). My PT is martial arts so has quite a bit more contact than other PT activities. I mean, its not just a bloke shouting instructions from 2m away while you lift weights or do star jumps. It involves body contact, touching each other, being close etc.

I didn't know at the time but Jon saw me having my PT session. And he took photographs of it which he has now sent to DP with messages asking DP if he was happy with me behaving like that with a young male model (my PT is also a part-time model).

DP's at work but has sent me screenshots of what Jon has sent with a jokey message. Then he sent a follow up message saying it was a shit thing for Jon to do but that I look great 🤗

So DP's clearly not bothered. And he needn't be. There's nothing going on with my PT. I do absolutely love my PT for all kinds of reasons, and me and DP have a running joke about my PT being basically a perfect man. Me and PT have a great relationship for all kinds of reasons but there's absolutely nothing sexual going on.

But I'm absolutely livid. I can't complain too much about him taking photographs because we were in public. But he's clearly sent DP ones that could be misread (where me and PT are very close, touching, one where he's got his arm round my shoulders) and is trying to infer I'm doing something wrong. I'm not. And if I was, would I really do it in my local park? I know everyone in the park because I walk the dog there, I go for coffee at the cafe regularly with friends and I do PT in there. Not exactly the most discreet place for a quick bunk-up.

I plan to stay the fuck out of it, to let DP talk to Jon, to stay dignified, stay quiet. If I contact Jon, he'll read my anger as guilt. I will do. This is the right thing to do isn't it?

Thanks for reading, I just really to let off steam.

I’d guess at Jon being gay and being in love with your DH.

Not meaning to sound equally as creepy but is this park in Leeds? 😆

Personally, I would ring the police and ask for their advice and get it logged. What else is he doing? Is he following you around? Tell them it has unnerved you.

I wouldn't even bother to wait for DH to have a word. After all, he thinks it's funny. I don't and I wouldn't laugh it off either. He sounds like a bloody loon and you need to get this nipped in the bud now.

As you know everyone in the park, surely they could vouch for you? You should ask some of them if they saw a man lurking and taking photos. Such behaviour would be very suspicious and attract attention. He could be taken for a pervert. You'd think someone would have seen and reported him or at least got him on record and told you.

Well to me "dating" implies not bf/gf and therefore not exclusive. I did a lot of that when I was young, as did everyone I knew male or female. You could go on dates with someone and date someone else at the same time, as long as there was no agreement to be exclusive then it was fine.

So she was dating someone else, met now DP, binned off "date" and has been with DP ever since. None of that suggests "cheater" to me. Sounds like your friends was mugged off by a player, I have been too and it is shit, but nothing the OP has posted suggested that she was doing that. The main bit being that she has been with her DP ever since and has never cheated on him!

This. Your DP needs to tell Jon that he’s fine with his girlfriend having a PT but he is not fine with someone secretly photographing her while she’s exercising and that Jon is being stalkerish and the friendship is over.

Jon’s behaviour is creepy and I’d log it with the police as harassment.

Of course, it's common sense that you can date around without agreeing to be exclusive. Her first post gave the impression that's all there was to it.

But in an update, she mentioned "when I was cheating"... I think the phrasing flagged it off for me, not even "when I cheated" (which would just 1 encounter)!

I don't think she's exaggerating it as cheating, as she mentions her "youthful misadventures". Anyone who believes in youthful misadventures is surely not conservative enough to interpret dating as cheating.

If it was a misinterpretation, I'd have expected her to say "Jon thinks it's cheating because he's a social loser"... Instead she says Jon can't write off the behaviour because he's a loser - "Jon is a very quiet/sheltered person so has never been able to put these things down to youth misadventures".

Just wanted to double check if there's more to the story

@PyongyangKipperbangThe main bit being that she has been with her DP ever since and has never cheated on him!

OP never says that, she just says about the time period she was dating DH: "I was in my late teens/early 20s when I was cheating, many years ago and not a behaviour I'd engage in these days"

Maybe so.

But I do know that what I considered cheating when I was a teenager....say dating more than one person at a time, sleeping with them, .....is not what I would consider cheating now.

When I was 20 if a person I had been on dates with slept with someone else, yes I would have considered that cheating. Now, at almost 50, unless we had had the "us and no one else" conversation, I wouldnt.

I would screenshot your DP’s messages from Jon and, with DP’s agreement, send them to Jon and say “haha your nasty plan didn’t work”

He is an utter weirdo. I'd be livid and have to tell him so to his face.

1. You do fancy your instructor
2. Unless you live in Malibu doing martial arts in a park, in the uk, in February is a bit showy!

I see the 'woman, how dare you flaunt yourself in public and cast your eyes on another man, what do you expect?' types have turned up.

This old trope is dangerous,'If a man is an arsehole to you, it is because he likes you'. If a man cared about you, he wouldn't put you in a precarious position. (Some men might violently attack a woman based on those photos.)

We need to stop perpetuating the myth that a man/boy who is being horrible, secretly likes you.

This.

Also if I were to cheat on my partner last thing I would do is flaunt of my lover in a public park sorrounded by people while engaging in PDA, I would choose a much more discreet venue.
^^

I have also noted the swerve to 'well you admit you cheated in the past, Jon's just looking out for his friend,' as well. As if that justifies what Jon has done. But then this is a site where many people have no issues with putting a landmine under someone's life by sending anonymous letters, so perhaps I shouldn't be surprised.

Hope you and DP sort it out OP and tell Jon to go and boil his head.

This, seen it many times.

In that case Jon's not, to say the least of it, either very bright or very mature and has probably been watching too many rom coms where the theme is treat them like shit and they'll fall over you to prove they're worthy of your love.

That, or he's a teenage boy who still believes this stuff. Amazing how women are still getting this damaging message that if he treats you badly that means 'oooh, he faaaaaancies you!' As if somone would want to be 'fancied' by a man like that.

Cross the “love” part, he just sounds obsessed with her, end off. When you love someone or are infatuated you’re not concocting on the many ways of destructing her/his life. He has an unhealthy obsession with her and I find intriguing her DP is not picking up
on that.

But it's the WAY he's doing it.
I, too, would tell a friend if I suspected their DP was cheating. But I'd quietly pull them aside and tell them what I saw. I wouldn't be taking pictures and sending them. That's malicious and creepy.

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain

Same would apply to a man or woman

It’s stalking.

Jon is a creep.

If your DP doesn’t end the friendship you have a problem.

Personally id be taking copies of the photos and calling the police line for advice.

Are you referring to my comment – the first one asking for polite clarification in a sea of people unquestioningly supporting OP and bashing the friend?

Not a swerve. OP's post really struck me as I had been in exactly the friend's situation before. Genuinely.

I was fully on OP's side though, as she painted Jon as hating her for no reason other than misogyny – until her casual mention of cheating many updates in. That's quite a drip feed IMO.

The first few updates conveniently omitted that and intentionally painted a narrative of the friend slut shaming casual sex (rather than disliking and being suspicious of a cheater). So I asked a few polite questions, with no agenda. It's not clear if Jon has been part of the past fallout of OP cheating on her DH – may be yes, may be no. I feel it's important context.

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain Sorry, pressed post too early. If it was a MN poster who'd supported a friend through a cheating boyfriend/husband, then suspected the boyfriend/husband of cheating in public, many (albeit not all) would urge photo evidence as well. And I'm sure the vast majority would be not be bashing the MN poster to the extent Jon has been bashed.

The gender dynamics here do complicate the issue. I'm aware slut shaming people do unfortunately exist (the narrative OP leaned on heavily in her first few posts). It's not clear if this is the case here or if OP is simply a confirmed cheater (or, reprehensibly on both sides, both scenarios – not mutually exclusive).

If you've cheated on your spouse, I don't think you should wear it like a red letter around your neck, but in real life I personally try to avoid people (of either gender) who use misleading glossy terms to dismiss and excuse past cheating.

"Indiscretions of youth" is a common one from married men, but it's the first time I've heard the tables turned like this ("whoever disapproves of cheating is slut shaming"), to the detriment of real feminism IMO.. But I know that's veering into leading this thread off course.

But it's the WAY he's doing it.
I, too, would tell a friend if I suspected their DP was cheating. But I'd quietly pull them aside and tell them what I saw. I wouldn't be taking pictures and sending them. That's malicious and creepy.

I disagree.

I would take photos if I could (or screenshot if it was a dating site) else it’s just my word against his and he could say I was lying.