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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriends mum told me he didnt want to be with me.

233 replies

Captaincaveman7 · 02/02/2023 00:39

Am in relationship of 2 years. We are in late 30's. Was in the pub with boyfriend and his mum and she was generally saying that he does what he wants to do and isn't really good boyfriend material she then started shouting that he doesn't want to be with me. I asked him directly and he wouldn't answer the question and i kept asking and she was shouting he doesn't want to be with you and so I said I wanted to hear from the organ grinder and not the monkey and asked him again directly - he told me she was winding things up so I asked him again and he said 'I don't know' he then ran away to a friends house. The next day I asked him why he didn't stick up for me and he said he's lost his voice and of course he does want to be with me, loves me more than anyone and hopes to marry me one day. He tried to belittle what had happened saying his mum was on the wind up - to me it was sick. Wat would you make of it?

OP posts:
2023a · 02/02/2023 14:28

Captaincaveman7 · 02/02/2023 14:28

Does it? What should i say? "We are over, get your stuff?"

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Yes. Exactly that.

jannier · 02/02/2023 14:28

Captaincaveman7 · 02/02/2023 00:55

whytesnow The mum doesnt like me and he told me that he said to her that she is gonna wind things up and split us up that night.

Then he wouldn't have gone with her but taken you somewhere else he'd stand up and tell her to butt out or not be in his life anymore instead he acted like a scared toddler.....even if he's telling the truth don't you deserve something better than a spineless wimp? Tell him to go live with mummy and move onto an adult.

2023a · 02/02/2023 14:30

Captaincaveman7 · 02/02/2023 14:28

How do you dump sonmeone in a crystal clear way over text?

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"We are over, get your stuff.” is super duper clear.

jannier · 02/02/2023 14:33

Captaincaveman7 · 02/02/2023 01:30

I posted on here because when I asked him the next day he said of course he doesnt want to split up, we have a 2 year relationship and his mum is toxic. I am listening to advice, I only posted an hour ago.

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But as a grown up adult don't you know for yourself it's wrong his family are drunks etc. Would you see yourself and any future friends or family on a night out with this lot? Self respect is everything

Original poster
Captaincaveman7 · 02/02/2023 14:38

jannier · 02/02/2023 14:33

But as a grown up adult don't you know for yourself it's wrong his family are drunks etc. Would you see yourself and any future friends or family on a night out with this lot? Self respect is everything

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His family live in a different city and I choose not to go to family events

OP posts:
ManyNameChanges · 02/02/2023 14:59

Captaincaveman7 · 02/02/2023 09:04

Yep and that's why it's not so cut and dried as it seems

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But you are not his therapist.

Yes he has been dealt a shitty hand but as an adult, it’s up to him to work on it.

Your role isn’t to somehow become a mother to him, help grow and heal whilst what?…. you hope the growing up and healing won’t take too long so you’re nit getting hurt in the process?

TheFretfulPorpentine · 02/02/2023 15:17

He does not care enough about you to defend you to his mother. It's a pity you had to find out in such an ugly way, but at least now you know,

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 02/02/2023 15:29

jannier · 02/02/2023 14:33

But as a grown up adult don't you know for yourself it's wrong his family are drunks etc. Would you see yourself and any future friends or family on a night out with this lot? Self respect is everything

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Imagine if they got married what the reception would be like? It would be like a holding pen for the Jeremy Kyle Show. OP deserves a decent relationship not this rubbish one.

Original poster
Captaincaveman7 · 02/02/2023 15:57

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 02/02/2023 15:29

Imagine if they got married what the reception would be like? It would be like a holding pen for the Jeremy Kyle Show. OP deserves a decent relationship not this rubbish one.

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If it happened it was definitely going to be a Gretna Green affair - not around those animals.

OP posts:
jannier · 02/02/2023 16:26

Captaincaveman7 · 02/02/2023 14:38

His family live in a different city and I choose not to go to family events

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You were in the pub with his mum???

jannier · 02/02/2023 16:28

Captaincaveman7 · 02/02/2023 15:57

If it happened it was definitely going to be a Gretna Green affair - not around those animals.

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At the end of the day he's grown up that way so it will be normal I wouldn't bet against him turning out the same and you being on here in 4 years time saying I do everything while he drinks etc.

Original poster
Captaincaveman7 · 02/02/2023 16:31

jannier · 02/02/2023 16:26

You were in the pub with his mum???

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She came to visit the city we live in, she has lent him money to start a business.

OP posts:
Original poster
Captaincaveman7 · 02/02/2023 16:33

jannier · 02/02/2023 16:26

You were in the pub with his mum???

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yes sorry misunderstood, he doesn't drive, I went to pick him up - i didn't want to hang around with her.

OP posts:
SunshineAndFizz · 02/02/2023 17:38

This is getting worse and worse.

Not contributing to the cost of living at yours.

Doesn't drive.

Starting a new business (I'm making an assumption here that he doesn't currently have an income then).

Original poster
Captaincaveman7 · 02/02/2023 17:47

SunshineAndFizz · 02/02/2023 17:38

This is getting worse and worse.

Not contributing to the cost of living at yours.

Doesn't drive.

Starting a new business (I'm making an assumption here that he doesn't currently have an income then).

Only dole

OP posts:
2023a · 02/02/2023 17:51

Captaincaveman7 · 02/02/2023 17:47

Only dole

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Of course.

OP, you really need to work on your standards. Your bar appears to be nonexistent. Why? Why were you in this relationship?

Original poster
Captaincaveman7 · 02/02/2023 17:54

2023a · 02/02/2023 17:51

Of course.

OP, you really need to work on your standards. Your bar appears to be nonexistent. Why? Why were you in this relationship?

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He is good company and treated me well, I knew he wouldn't be on the dole forever. He gave me a lot of attention and was happy to spend lots of time with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Captaincaveman7 · 02/02/2023 18:00

I told him we are done and to get his stuff, he barely put up a fight, apologised, i said its unforgiveable, he said well if I cant accept his apology he will get his stuff as cant keep feeling guilty for one mistake. I said hurry up - youre stuffs packed.

OP posts:
2023a · 02/02/2023 18:02

Captaincaveman7 · 02/02/2023 17:54

He is good company and treated me well, I knew he wouldn't be on the dole forever. He gave me a lot of attention and was happy to spend lots of time with me.

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In what ways did he treat you well? List them.

And of course he was happy to spend lots of time with you, he had no job and you were housing him!

Seriously, what is this? Does the way everyone is reacting to the things you’re saying not make you think there might be something amiss with your attitude towards all this?

Original poster
Captaincaveman7 · 02/02/2023 18:05

2023a · 02/02/2023 18:02

In what ways did he treat you well? List them.

And of course he was happy to spend lots of time with you, he had no job and you were housing him!

Seriously, what is this? Does the way everyone is reacting to the things you’re saying not make you think there might be something amiss with your attitude towards all this?

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Yes he was probably using me, yes i was probably blind sighted. No one wants to believe that someone they meet is being fake do they? I enjoyed his company.

OP posts:
BethDuttonsTwin · 02/02/2023 18:07

This would have been over for me the moment he didn’t deny it. Where’s your dignity for goodness sake!

Original poster
Captaincaveman7 · 02/02/2023 18:09

BethDuttonsTwin · 02/02/2023 18:07

This would have been over for me the moment he didn’t deny it. Where’s your dignity for goodness sake!

It was over, I drove off and left him at his friends but he tried to talk me round and I wanted outside opinions. He played it down.

OP posts:
Original poster
Captaincaveman7 · 02/02/2023 18:10

Captaincaveman7 · 02/02/2023 18:09

It was over, I drove off and left him at his friends but he tried to talk me round and I wanted outside opinions. He played it down.

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I've literally just texted him we are done. He asks why and i tell him because he didn't speak up for me.

OP posts:
Knoblauch · 02/02/2023 18:10

Just dump him. He obviously doesn't want to be with you, has spoken to his mum and can't be arsed/is too much of a wimp to let you know.

Original poster
Captaincaveman7 · 02/02/2023 18:11

Knoblauch · 02/02/2023 18:10

Just dump him. He obviously doesn't want to be with you, has spoken to his mum and can't be arsed/is too much of a wimp to let you know.

Yep he is dumped

OP posts: