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Original poster

Boyfriends mum told me he didnt want to be with me.

233 replies

Captaincaveman7 · 02/02/2023 00:39

Am in relationship of 2 years. We are in late 30's. Was in the pub with boyfriend and his mum and she was generally saying that he does what he wants to do and isn't really good boyfriend material she then started shouting that he doesn't want to be with me. I asked him directly and he wouldn't answer the question and i kept asking and she was shouting he doesn't want to be with you and so I said I wanted to hear from the organ grinder and not the monkey and asked him again directly - he told me she was winding things up so I asked him again and he said 'I don't know' he then ran away to a friends house. The next day I asked him why he didn't stick up for me and he said he's lost his voice and of course he does want to be with me, loves me more than anyone and hopes to marry me one day. He tried to belittle what had happened saying his mum was on the wind up - to me it was sick. Wat would you make of it?

OP posts:
Tryingwithheart · 02/02/2023 08:03

You say he normally lives with you but has accommodation in the pub too... Was he paying you rent, contributing to bills etc . I have a horrible feeling he wasn't

Original poster
Captaincaveman7 · 02/02/2023 08:04

ManyNameChanges · 02/02/2023 07:58

Look even if he actually wanted to be with you, he is so spineless that it wouldn’t last anyway.
You had an argument and instead if coming back home, he left to stay at his friend.

If he is so spineless that he can’t stand up to his mum AND can’t handle any argument with you Wo flying away, then there is nothing left anyway.

Stop hoping he will admit he doesn’t love you etc,.. it’s not going to happen.
Remember you are dodging a bullet and will be better Wo him, even if it feels awful just right now.

I know. FFS just wish he would just say he doesn't love me, be so much easier to move on. Instead of being told the opposite.

OP posts:
Original poster
Captaincaveman7 · 02/02/2023 08:05

Tryingwithheart · 02/02/2023 08:03

You say he normally lives with you but has accommodation in the pub too... Was he paying you rent, contributing to bills etc . I have a horrible feeling he wasn't

No, I have been questioning whether I was being used for a long time to be honest and knew I would find out once he had alternative accomodation abvailable.

OP posts:
Original poster
Captaincaveman7 · 02/02/2023 08:07

Tryingwithheart · 02/02/2023 08:03

You say he normally lives with you but has accommodation in the pub too... Was he paying you rent, contributing to bills etc . I have a horrible feeling he wasn't

I feel like a stupid mug.

OP posts:
Bellalalala · 02/02/2023 08:08

Captaincaveman7 · 02/02/2023 07:28

Yeah after 2 years - thats hard to hear.

Show quote history

You keep repeating ‘it’s been 2 years’.

Why? It almost like you can’t believe he must be a dick, because it’s been 2 years. As though 2 years is the cut off and if you make it past that, everything is fine.

He has clearly been a dick most of the relationship. He has accused you of isolating him from his family because you don’t want to be involved with them.

I would bet he has told them you are controlling. I have no doubt his mother is an arse. But I would be my years wage, she also thinks she was doing him a favour by telling you. If he has led her to believe that you are controlling and isolating him, that she wants you away from him because you are abusing him.

Honestly, you have ignored the red flags for 2 years. 2 years may feel like a long relationship to you. But it’s actually just a long time you have been burying your head in the sand. Waking up and getting rid now is far better than it happening after 4 years or 20 years.

Tryingwithheart · 02/02/2023 08:08

Captaincaveman7 · 02/02/2023 08:05

No, I have been questioning whether I was being used for a long time to be honest and knew I would find out once he had alternative accomodation abvailable.

Show quote history

I'm sorry I think he was using you, you deserve better.

titchy · 02/02/2023 08:09

Captaincaveman7 · 02/02/2023 00:49

I know its ridiculous, who does that sort of thing as a wind-up. I know his mum is toxic but thats next level and him sat there saying nothing.

And yet you went out for drinks with her - just why?

Original poster
Captaincaveman7 · 02/02/2023 08:09

Bellalalala · 02/02/2023 08:08

You keep repeating ‘it’s been 2 years’.

Why? It almost like you can’t believe he must be a dick, because it’s been 2 years. As though 2 years is the cut off and if you make it past that, everything is fine.

He has clearly been a dick most of the relationship. He has accused you of isolating him from his family because you don’t want to be involved with them.

I would bet he has told them you are controlling. I have no doubt his mother is an arse. But I would be my years wage, she also thinks she was doing him a favour by telling you. If he has led her to believe that you are controlling and isolating him, that she wants you away from him because you are abusing him.

Honestly, you have ignored the red flags for 2 years. 2 years may feel like a long relationship to you. But it’s actually just a long time you have been burying your head in the sand. Waking up and getting rid now is far better than it happening after 4 years or 20 years.

Show quote history

Yes, he calls me controlling, I am the opposite, I have even double checked with exes in case I was in denial.

OP posts:
Original poster
Captaincaveman7 · 02/02/2023 08:10

titchy · 02/02/2023 08:09

And yet you went out for drinks with her - just why?

Show quote history

I went to pick him up and bring him home as he doesn't drive.

OP posts:
Totalwasteofpaper · 02/02/2023 08:12

You cant fix what he's got.
His (no doubt) toxic relationship with his mother means he cannot offer you a stable long term partnership.

So whether he wants to break up or not is a red herring.

You don't have a happy future with this man EVEN if he does want to be with you
All you have is a one way ticket to dysfunction, frustration and misery.

Imagine the insane bullshit if you had a child together 😱

As it is you can exit the relationship with minimal fuss. It's clearly your flat he is bumming a sleep in.

I mean this kindly but its good advice to save you more pain long term.

  • Google sunk cost fallacy.
  • Accept your arent getting those 2 years back.
  • Give him back ALL his stuff, and get your stuff.
  • Block and delete.
  • cry and eat pizza or whatever for 2 weeks
  • get on bumble.
Original poster
Captaincaveman7 · 02/02/2023 08:12

She was sat there saying that I will cause chaos when we finish, that I won't go quietly. That he moved in with me because it was easy and finally he doesn't want to be with me. He says she called to apologise today and was laughing while she said this as was all a joke.

OP posts:
Totalwasteofpaper · 02/02/2023 08:12

Of course he cant drive...
Fucks sake why do women do this to themselves

Original poster
Captaincaveman7 · 02/02/2023 08:14

Totalwasteofpaper · 02/02/2023 08:12

You cant fix what he's got.
His (no doubt) toxic relationship with his mother means he cannot offer you a stable long term partnership.

So whether he wants to break up or not is a red herring.

You don't have a happy future with this man EVEN if he does want to be with you
All you have is a one way ticket to dysfunction, frustration and misery.

Imagine the insane bullshit if you had a child together 😱

As it is you can exit the relationship with minimal fuss. It's clearly your flat he is bumming a sleep in.

I mean this kindly but its good advice to save you more pain long term.

  • Google sunk cost fallacy.
  • Accept your arent getting those 2 years back.
  • Give him back ALL his stuff, and get your stuff.
  • Block and delete.
  • cry and eat pizza or whatever for 2 weeks
  • get on bumble.

Should i drop his stuff back or put it outside and leave it to him to collect?

OP posts:
peacocktail · 02/02/2023 08:14

He is telling both you and mother what you want to hear He is weak and it is not your responsibility to fix him. Leave them both You deserve better

pawprintseverywhere · 02/02/2023 08:15

I am sorry but you need to turn away now and never look back.
You asked him, he said he "Didn't know" and went to a friends. That alone would be enough but in regards to the Mother, he should have stood up, told her to stfu and walked you out of that situation... This will never be what you want it to be.

DNBU · 02/02/2023 08:15

Get out of there OP

Original poster
Captaincaveman7 · 02/02/2023 08:16

peacocktail · 02/02/2023 08:14

He is telling both you and mother what you want to hear He is weak and it is not your responsibility to fix him. Leave them both You deserve better

Yes, this is exactly what he is doing. I even said to him that night, are you 2 different people?

OP posts:
Original poster
Captaincaveman7 · 02/02/2023 08:22

He seems to think that me and his mum are fighting over him - i said its not a competition, she is your mum and I'm your partner. All very weird.

OP posts:
2Rebecca · 02/02/2023 08:26

That's not winding someone up. That's being nasty and telling lies if it is lies. He should have told his mother she was lying and left with you. He sounds awful. Does he have a job ? He sounds very immature and inept. It's easy to tell someone you love them. Demonstrating it shows whether it's true or not

ShakespearesBlister · 02/02/2023 08:28

Don't fool yourself with this. He's obviously told his mum he doesn't want to be with you but hasn't got the guts to tell you himself. This will keep popping up and he will keep pretending it's not true because he is too spineless to tell you himself. Don't waste another second of your life on him. Walk away with some dignity.

winterbegone · 02/02/2023 08:36

Actions are louder than words, running off is telling you he is too much of a coward to tell you how he really feels, he tells you one thing and his mother another.

Wallywobbles · 02/02/2023 08:37

OP not one person here has said that he wants to be with you.

2 years feels long to you. It isn't. Really it isn't. You only start to know people after 2-3 years.

You have such a long way to go to reach where your self respect should be.

mumda · 02/02/2023 08:39

He's not for you.

Please work that out in your own head.

Original poster
Captaincaveman7 · 02/02/2023 08:45

Wallywobbles · 02/02/2023 08:37

OP not one person here has said that he wants to be with you.

2 years feels long to you. It isn't. Really it isn't. You only start to know people after 2-3 years.

You have such a long way to go to reach where your self respect should be.

Yes I've told him to collect his stuff

OP posts:
JFDIYOLO · 02/02/2023 08:46

That's a dysfunctional family, an intimidated child, a boy who was never helped to become an independent, assertive emotionally intelligent man right there.

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