Boyfriends mum told me he didnt want to be with me.

[Captaincaveman7]

Am in relationship of 2 years. We are in late 30's. Was in the pub with boyfriend and his mum and she was generally saying that he does what he wants to do and isn't really good boyfriend material she then started shouting that he doesn't want to be with me. I asked him directly and he wouldn't answer the question and i kept asking and she was shouting he doesn't want to be with you and so I said I wanted to hear from the organ grinder and not the monkey and asked him again directly - he told me she was winding things up so I asked him again and he said 'I don't know' he then ran away to a friends house. The next day I asked him why he didn't stick up for me and he said he's lost his voice and of course he does want to be with me, loves me more than anyone and hopes to marry me one day. He tried to belittle what had happened saying his mum was on the wind up - to me it was sick. Wat would you make of it?

You have more control if you drop it into the pub. It's not littering your doorstep and he cant complain it got damaged or whatever.

What a weird situation. Even if this is his feelings, why was his mum screaming this at you? Do you get on with her?

Yep and that's why it's not so cut and dried as it seems

You’ve told him to collect his stuff but have you told him it’s over for good.
Seems to me from what you say that you are still hoping he will go all out to convince you he loves you so you can get rid of the niggle that he is using you.
In your heart you have to be sure it’s over. And I don’t think you are.
He’s going to leave you one day. Don’t hang around, wasting your time and dignity waiting for that day. Don’t be there when he collects his stuff. Leave it outside the door.

Not your responsibility to fix him though. He's late 30s not 16 and the likelihood of change now, without a profound awakening by him and a lot of work on his part, is very unlikely.

I would leave them all to it.

It is, he is showing you who he is, you are not accepting that

Where is your self respect?

He's an utter waster that uses you at his convience.

Living for free off you.

His family are the dregs of society.

Why would you put so little value on your life and future?

Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk to help you find some self respect.

What sort of background and family do you have that you would accept being used like this?

Late 30's ????????

Is this really what you want your life to be?

Full of pond life wasters like his dysfunctional family?

She dumped him.

So, from her point of view, she may already be toxic and awful. But she is also a mother who believes her son when he says you are abusing him. While I wouldn’t recommend a parent try this tactic, many do. As far as she is concerned her son in unhappy in his relationship and abused.

You already know why he didn’t stand up for you. Because she would have come out with all the things he has said about you abusing him. And maybe some worse things. You know this. You know, your relationship is awful because he tells people you are abusing him. Your relationship is a non starter. With or without this incident.

And yes, he likely moved in with you because it was easy. You say he didn’t pay anything, or paid very minimal amounts. It couldn’t be any clearer that he is in a relationship with you because of those benefits to him. Not because he wants to be with you.

You don’t need him to tell you he doesn’t want to be with you, for you to end it and stop him taking the piss out of you and using you.

His mother has done you a favour. I know you told him to collect his stuff, but don’t let him talk you round. Why he is the way he is, isn’t the problem. The fact that he is using you, is the problem.

1000000% this!

Because he's a twat and you're well rid!

@Captaincaveman7 - Think of it this way, if your potential MiL was overbearing, shouting at you and basically breaking the two of you up and this is how he reacted to her doing that, what would it be like if you two actually got married???? It would be a million times worse as there would, in time, be children to consider.

Leave.

Leave now.

Kick him out of the place he's living with you (you mentioned this in an earlier post "He has accommodation at the pub where he works but usually lives with me." so let him live there).

Take a break from dating for a while. Learn to stand up for yourself too.

Best of luck going forwards.

It's totally cut and dried OP.

You are not his alternative mother, his carer, his therapist.

You cannot help him, he can only help himself when he chooses to do so.

Right now, he's a spineless twat who has treated you badly. And you need to get him out of your life and return to normality.

I am well aware she has finally dumped him.🙄

My questions stand as to why she would waste her time with someone who is awful and clearly was using her and her home.

She needs to learn from this and realise she deserves better.

Sounds like a lovely family. Get out of there.

Lol......you don't understand that post at all Op.

That's probably because you and your BF are probably well matched in emotional intelligence.

@billy1966 your full onslaught was completely unnecessary if you'd seen she'd dumped him. You can ask questions without the belittling and offence.

I do understand the post, I just feel sorry for him - even though he has treated me badly.

Have you actually dumped him? Told him it’s over? Or have you just told him to come and get his stuff?

God how icky, he’s behaving like a 12 year old. I’m glad it’s over. Imagine shagging that. Eugh.

Yes told him its over, told him that as I asked him whether what his mum was saying was true and he didn't deny it then i take that as a yes. Told him he left his mum to do his dirty work cos he has no balls himself. Told him to collect his things as I don't want them all around the house. All he was concerned about were his things, hes worried they will get damaged or stolen. Told him to collect his stuff quickly and that I will no longer be doing the jobs that i currently do for him, he hasn't read those messages yet.

The relationship with the mum is so weird and creepy

That reads less like a dumping and more like the preamble to more ‘talks’ if I’m honest. But, okay.

Does it? What should i say? "We are over, get your stuff?"

How do you dump sonmeone in a crystal clear way over text?