Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriends mum told me he didnt want to be with me.

233 replies

Captaincaveman7 · 02/02/2023 00:39

Am in relationship of 2 years. We are in late 30's. Was in the pub with boyfriend and his mum and she was generally saying that he does what he wants to do and isn't really good boyfriend material she then started shouting that he doesn't want to be with me. I asked him directly and he wouldn't answer the question and i kept asking and she was shouting he doesn't want to be with you and so I said I wanted to hear from the organ grinder and not the monkey and asked him again directly - he told me she was winding things up so I asked him again and he said 'I don't know' he then ran away to a friends house. The next day I asked him why he didn't stick up for me and he said he's lost his voice and of course he does want to be with me, loves me more than anyone and hopes to marry me one day. He tried to belittle what had happened saying his mum was on the wind up - to me it was sick. Wat would you make of it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Captaincaveman7 · 04/02/2023 11:22

ThePear · 04/02/2023 02:16

Oh no, you’ve made your kid be involved in your dating this specimen?! That’s awful. Your child deserves a safe home, free from whomever you are having sex with, you should not inflict your sexual partner on your child, you’ve shown extremely poor decision making over a prolonged period so it’s imperative that your kid is prioritised. No analysing shitty blokes. No ‘he texted me-‘-urgently you need to parent your kid and not date anyone. At all. Until you’ve done huge work on your standards and keep the next one away from your kid. This is basic.

We lived together for 2 years, I thought he loved me as a lot of the time we were happy. Problems only happened when he visited his home city

OP posts:
Original poster
Captaincaveman7 · 04/02/2023 11:45

LAMPS1 · 04/02/2023 09:28

You are still trying to convince him that he’s been the problem.
You will never convince him. He will never apologise and will never genuinely agree to improve his behaviour/thinking. Even if he did, he wouldn’t mean it. He doesn’t even want you back …he just wants to use your home and your favours. He knows no better. You can’t educate him or fix him or improve him or make him change. And you can’t change the past. And you can’t change his toxic family.

Please see sense OP. Stop communicating with him. This is one of those situations where you just have to accept the injustice and put it down to experience, giving it no more head space. And swiftly move on from it never to revisit it ever again. No room for sentimentality or forgiveness or hope that he will suddenly see sense. Be sure of that in your own mind. Put yourself first and waste no more time on him. Put the whole thing behind you and look forward to a better future with a whole lot more wisdom under your belt. You are really letting yourself down if you don’t.

Its hard for me to get my head around that someone can live with you day in and day out and tell you they love you and not mean it, literally last week I said to him I wasn't sure if he loved me and he cried and said of course he did - he had just been stressed. I don't get on with the mother of his child and I know he is hurt that I will not have a relationship with his child because of this. I said he can have quality father/daughter time and that's what most kids want anyway but the mother is not making even that easy. I think I have become the scapegoat for those problems as well.

OP posts:
LAMPS1 · 04/02/2023 14:19

But OP, he wasn’t living with you in the proper sense. He was sponging off you. The only thing he was sharing with you was his toxicity and his dramas, his lies and his false tears. When he says he loves you, he means he loves the homely free board and lodging and everything extra you provide on top of that. His tears are crocodile tears …he’s on to a good thing and doesn’t want to lose it.
You know all this now …nearly every poster has told you so, but in your heart I can’t help but feel you are still holding on to a hope he will suddenly, magically turn into a decent person. You can’t get your head around it because he’s not genuine….he’s mugging you off.
Live yourself a good decent life OP, the best you can for yourself and your child.
Don’t settle for this man…you are worth better than that.
You must tell him irrevocably, that you are done with him …and mean it in your heart.

Original poster
Captaincaveman7 · 04/02/2023 14:57

LAMPS1 · 04/02/2023 14:19

But OP, he wasn’t living with you in the proper sense. He was sponging off you. The only thing he was sharing with you was his toxicity and his dramas, his lies and his false tears. When he says he loves you, he means he loves the homely free board and lodging and everything extra you provide on top of that. His tears are crocodile tears …he’s on to a good thing and doesn’t want to lose it.
You know all this now …nearly every poster has told you so, but in your heart I can’t help but feel you are still holding on to a hope he will suddenly, magically turn into a decent person. You can’t get your head around it because he’s not genuine….he’s mugging you off.
Live yourself a good decent life OP, the best you can for yourself and your child.
Don’t settle for this man…you are worth better than that.
You must tell him irrevocably, that you are done with him …and mean it in your heart.

Yes I know you are right, I have told him it's done and to get his stuff. It is painful to know I wasn't really loved and was just used- very painful. I have been helping him out with his work aswell and obviously I'm withdrawing that help. He will struggle for a little while.

OP posts:
LAMPS1 · 04/02/2023 15:12

You are doing brilliantly to be so strong then.
It feels sad but you really have done the right thing. Trust yourself on that now.
Well done and good luck for the future !

Newestname002 · 05/02/2023 11:51

Don't let your guard down, @Captaincaveman7. You have a kind heart and a yearning for the relationship you thought you had, but the advantages were all on his side, and you are the one used.

Leave this person to his nasty mother and cut all ties, including blocking him on your phone and all social media. He is not worth your energy, your thoughts or your time. Please believe you are worth more than this lazy user.

Never let him over your doorstep ever again - life is too short to spend with people who don't add positivity to it. 🌹

Original poster
Captaincaveman7 · 05/02/2023 19:42

Newestname002 · 05/02/2023 11:51

Don't let your guard down, @Captaincaveman7. You have a kind heart and a yearning for the relationship you thought you had, but the advantages were all on his side, and you are the one used.

Leave this person to his nasty mother and cut all ties, including blocking him on your phone and all social media. He is not worth your energy, your thoughts or your time. Please believe you are worth more than this lazy user.

Never let him over your doorstep ever again - life is too short to spend with people who don't add positivity to it. 🌹

Thank you, he had said he loved me and wanted to talk but no real action/efforts made. I didn't even want to look at him after that. I'm just convinced that there must have been some truth to what his mum said - or he would have denied it. He hasn't collected his stuff and the staff are still messaging me with problems.

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 06/02/2023 12:46

Tell the staff that you are not on the books and to contact him only. Stop getting involved.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page