Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriends mum told me he didnt want to be with me.

233 replies

Captaincaveman7 · 02/02/2023 00:39

Am in relationship of 2 years. We are in late 30's. Was in the pub with boyfriend and his mum and she was generally saying that he does what he wants to do and isn't really good boyfriend material she then started shouting that he doesn't want to be with me. I asked him directly and he wouldn't answer the question and i kept asking and she was shouting he doesn't want to be with you and so I said I wanted to hear from the organ grinder and not the monkey and asked him again directly - he told me she was winding things up so I asked him again and he said 'I don't know' he then ran away to a friends house. The next day I asked him why he didn't stick up for me and he said he's lost his voice and of course he does want to be with me, loves me more than anyone and hopes to marry me one day. He tried to belittle what had happened saying his mum was on the wind up - to me it was sick. Wat would you make of it?

OP posts:
Poppyblush · 02/02/2023 06:04

He’s clearly, obviously, not that into you, wants an easy life. Get rid now. Very simple

Zanatdy · 02/02/2023 06:06

Sorry OP but I think he’s lying, he obviously has told his mum he doesn’t want to be with you. Why would you marry someone like that?

xPissflapsx · 02/02/2023 06:06

He ran away....
Stop waiting for one of us to back him up.
It was a shitty way of hearing it.
But it's over.

Lucylock · 02/02/2023 06:09

Step away from the man child.

Thoughtful2355 · 02/02/2023 06:12

This sounds like a teen relationship 🤨

Firstly you need to move on. No he doesn't want to be with you he's just worried about the process of breaking up. If he wanted to be with you and truly loved you then he wouldn't have been a coward that night. But even so I wouldn't want to date a man when his mother firstly acted like that about also hated me so much.

You deserve better

ChaToilLeam · 02/02/2023 06:13

You’re better off without this weak man child and his horror of a mother.

Bellalalala · 02/02/2023 06:19

@Captaincaveman7 You are tormenting yourself with the ‘But what does it mean!’

It means him and his family are toxic. It’s not that his family are toxic and his is the exception.

Its means he didn’t deny it front of her because she would have told you what he has been saying behind your back to her and other family members. He knew she would, so tried to just keep quiet.

He ran away because he knew why she was saying what she did because it’s true.

He isn’t just admitting to you. You want to know why he wouldn’t. Loads of people stay in relationships they don’t want to be in. Usually for convenience. He gets regular sex, gets to live at yours but also has his own space, you are there when he is lonely or bored. For many people being with someone they don’t really want to be with us better than being single. This can’t be news to you. You must have known people do this.

He is a dick. So is his mum. But she has done you a favour.

Thoughtful2355 · 02/02/2023 06:19

Also... If his mum is that bad and keeps ruining his relationships then why is he taking his GFS to the pub to meet up with her?? Surely you'd keep your mother and partners separated so that she can't ruin it 🤨

I couldn't be with someone that dumb to be honest

WandaWonder · 02/02/2023 06:20

Op if you didn't say I would assume you were both 16, is this a pattern with your relationships to have thus drama?

I don't mean the original incident but the long drawn out thinking your posts seem to indicate.

It might be better to cut ties and move on and build your self esteem more and be happy on your own for a bit?

Intrepidescape · 02/02/2023 06:25

He ran away to his friends house? What an absolute loser.

Look, if you really want him you have to dump him and see if he fights for you.

keeponandonandon · 02/02/2023 06:33

It sounds like he has said something to his mum, and us coming out with all the excuses possible, you seem to be blaming his mum and whilst she does appear to be a bit unhinged, I would be inclined to believe her. He sat there whilst his mother shouted at you? Get out now whilst you can, he and his mother sound vile.

LAMPS1 · 02/02/2023 06:50

His mother is a cruel, impossible drunk and he doesn’t have your back. They won’t change.

If you want a future full of similar horribly humiliating experiences, go ahead and fool yourself that he loves you. You are just a convenience. He is using you for now until the next one comes along.
Do yourself a favour …be decisive now and act swiftly in ending this sham relationship. And don’t get sucked back in by his meaningless sweet talk.

Tamarindtree · 02/02/2023 06:50

His mum is an unhinged loudmouth and he is a spineless toad.

Dery · 02/02/2023 07:20

“I might be able to come back from this if he was 16 but he's in his 30s and you've been together 2 years FFS. It's seriously icky that he needs his mummy to fight his battles for him and even if she's shit-stirring I would expect him to be shutting her down and articulating to you very clearly that he loves you and wants to be with you. Don't waste another second of the best years of your life with this loser OP. He's never going to give you what you want or deserve xx”

This. And I agree with PP - sounds like he has been saying things to her. Perhaps it was to placate her but he should be standing up to her. If he knows she’s a bad drunk and doesn’t like you, he shouldn’t be arranging meet-ups for you in the pub.

Finally, if he wanted to undo this, he would have come home with you and would be round your place now asking to come in and trying to physically be there with you. But he’s stayed away. Which is the final confirmation that he doesn’t want your relationship. So sorry, OP. It must have been horrible. Be gentle with yourself. Plan some treats and distractions.

Original poster
Captaincaveman7 · 02/02/2023 07:23

Thoughtful2355 · 02/02/2023 06:19

Also... If his mum is that bad and keeps ruining his relationships then why is he taking his GFS to the pub to meet up with her?? Surely you'd keep your mother and partners separated so that she can't ruin it 🤨

I couldn't be with someone that dumb to be honest

He didnt want to see her last weekend - I should have realised then that things had been said.

OP posts:
Original poster
Captaincaveman7 · 02/02/2023 07:25

Dery · 02/02/2023 07:20

“I might be able to come back from this if he was 16 but he's in his 30s and you've been together 2 years FFS. It's seriously icky that he needs his mummy to fight his battles for him and even if she's shit-stirring I would expect him to be shutting her down and articulating to you very clearly that he loves you and wants to be with you. Don't waste another second of the best years of your life with this loser OP. He's never going to give you what you want or deserve xx”

This. And I agree with PP - sounds like he has been saying things to her. Perhaps it was to placate her but he should be standing up to her. If he knows she’s a bad drunk and doesn’t like you, he shouldn’t be arranging meet-ups for you in the pub.

Finally, if he wanted to undo this, he would have come home with you and would be round your place now asking to come in and trying to physically be there with you. But he’s stayed away. Which is the final confirmation that he doesn’t want your relationship. So sorry, OP. It must have been horrible. Be gentle with yourself. Plan some treats and distractions.

I followed him to the friends house as the friend invited me around and tried to patch things up between us but he made me feel unwelcome. The friend thought he had patched things up between us but as we left i drove home without the boyfriend as I was angry.

OP posts:
Original poster
Captaincaveman7 · 02/02/2023 07:27

WandaWonder · 02/02/2023 06:20

Op if you didn't say I would assume you were both 16, is this a pattern with your relationships to have thus drama?

I don't mean the original incident but the long drawn out thinking your posts seem to indicate.

It might be better to cut ties and move on and build your self esteem more and be happy on your own for a bit?

No I don't usually have issues like these. Its just a shock when you think things are going well and obviously he is denying it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Captaincaveman7 · 02/02/2023 07:28

Bellalalala · 02/02/2023 06:19

@Captaincaveman7 You are tormenting yourself with the ‘But what does it mean!’

It means him and his family are toxic. It’s not that his family are toxic and his is the exception.

Its means he didn’t deny it front of her because she would have told you what he has been saying behind your back to her and other family members. He knew she would, so tried to just keep quiet.

He ran away because he knew why she was saying what she did because it’s true.

He isn’t just admitting to you. You want to know why he wouldn’t. Loads of people stay in relationships they don’t want to be in. Usually for convenience. He gets regular sex, gets to live at yours but also has his own space, you are there when he is lonely or bored. For many people being with someone they don’t really want to be with us better than being single. This can’t be news to you. You must have known people do this.

He is a dick. So is his mum. But she has done you a favour.

Yeah after 2 years - thats hard to hear.

OP posts:
Original poster
Captaincaveman7 · 02/02/2023 07:29

Thoughtful2355 · 02/02/2023 06:12

This sounds like a teen relationship 🤨

Firstly you need to move on. No he doesn't want to be with you he's just worried about the process of breaking up. If he wanted to be with you and truly loved you then he wouldn't have been a coward that night. But even so I wouldn't want to date a man when his mother firstly acted like that about also hated me so much.

You deserve better

Thanks, yeah you've made it very clear. At least I can start accepting it now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Captaincaveman7 · 02/02/2023 07:37

Whydidimarryhim · 02/02/2023 05:47

Poor you that’s terrible. Sadly he is unable to separate from his mother and is severely damaged by her. He must have had a terrible childhood. How cruel can someone be. No wonder he freeze he’s trauma bonded to her. But he needs to sort that out. He cannot defend you - he would need to separate from his mother and go no contact. He’s not ready from that.

I asked him to do that before and in the end he turned on me and said i am isolating him from his family.

OP posts:
Original poster
Captaincaveman7 · 02/02/2023 07:43

Zanatdy · 02/02/2023 06:06

Sorry OP but I think he’s lying, he obviously has told his mum he doesn’t want to be with you. Why would you marry someone like that?

I told him I wouldn't marry him and I wasn't impressed. Think he thought by throwing that around I would obviously believe him and would feel all better.

OP posts:
OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 02/02/2023 07:44

Captaincaveman7 · 02/02/2023 00:45

No and that's the problem, I said why didn't you just tell her she was wrong, I needed reassurance. He said he wasn't listening. She was pissed and is overbearing and under stress he freezes - but still I told him he dint have my back and he just made excuses.

Get away from him and his awful mother!
Why do you even have to think about this?

Original poster
Captaincaveman7 · 02/02/2023 07:45

Dery · 02/02/2023 07:20

“I might be able to come back from this if he was 16 but he's in his 30s and you've been together 2 years FFS. It's seriously icky that he needs his mummy to fight his battles for him and even if she's shit-stirring I would expect him to be shutting her down and articulating to you very clearly that he loves you and wants to be with you. Don't waste another second of the best years of your life with this loser OP. He's never going to give you what you want or deserve xx”

This. And I agree with PP - sounds like he has been saying things to her. Perhaps it was to placate her but he should be standing up to her. If he knows she’s a bad drunk and doesn’t like you, he shouldn’t be arranging meet-ups for you in the pub.

Finally, if he wanted to undo this, he would have come home with you and would be round your place now asking to come in and trying to physically be there with you. But he’s stayed away. Which is the final confirmation that he doesn’t want your relationship. So sorry, OP. It must have been horrible. Be gentle with yourself. Plan some treats and distractions.

He just looked at me - shook his head and said she's on the wind up. Obviously |I was looking for him to contradict what she was saying just even quietly to me - but nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Captaincaveman7 · 02/02/2023 07:47

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 02/02/2023 07:44

Get away from him and his awful mother!
Why do you even have to think about this?

Show quote history

I've never been around a mother/son toxic thing like this. Or maybe Im just in denial. Probably in denial.

OP posts:
ManyNameChanges · 02/02/2023 07:58

Look even if he actually wanted to be with you, he is so spineless that it wouldn’t last anyway.
You had an argument and instead if coming back home, he left to stay at his friend.

If he is so spineless that he can’t stand up to his mum AND can’t handle any argument with you Wo flying away, then there is nothing left anyway.

Stop hoping he will admit he doesn’t love you etc,.. it’s not going to happen.
Remember you are dodging a bullet and will be better Wo him, even if it feels awful just right now.