Page 17 | Husband leaving me for another woman. Pls help. shock.

Chchchchangess · 2023-01-26T08:14:14+00:00

I can’t write much detail right now but I desperately need some positivity. my husband has been acting off for months and last night I questioned him about it and he finally told me he’d met someone else from work. She gives him the attention that he hasn’t been getting from me. please be gentle. i know my marriage is over but I still care about him. im 36 and clearly have very low esteem He Left me three years ago but I let him come back - our baby was only a few months. another woman never transpired. He cheated on me before, though… about 10 years ago. infeel sick. we have two boys age 7&4. I am crumbling please help

Reigateforever · 06/03/2023 21:37

Pleased for you. A leopard doesn’t change its spots.
Take care !

BMW6 · 07/03/2023 10:05

Oh that's bloody FABULOUS OP! Nothing to be embarrassed about at all.

He has broken your relationship, not you.

Tell him to Cry you a River. Better still play him Alison Moyet singing it.

Go you! You are fabulous and deserve every happiness!

Wheresthebeach · 07/03/2023 10:24

Nice to read your updates - you sound strong and determined. It’s absolutely the right thing to get rid of this man. Just a word of warning - he’s likely to up the manipulation and crying. Don’t be surprised if the ‘I can’t live without you’ or suicide threats start. It’s often the way with these men simply trying to control any way they can. Stay strong.

Channellingsophistication · 07/03/2023 10:42

You are amazing and so wonderful that you are seeing you worth. Well done - keep strong. Don’t feel sorry for him - after all as you have said he wasn’t thinking of you when he was with the OW. He didn’t do it once, and then feel so bad that he couldn’t do it again did he…? Keep going forward.

Thepossibility · 07/03/2023 11:28

Good on you OP!
He definitely needs to be an ex, absolutely no way you could ever trust him.
Let him cry for once. Bastard.

BeachBlondey · 07/03/2023 11:33

Chchchchangess · 06/03/2023 11:35

i will update when I can but long and short of it I got back with him. We even booked a holiday for next year. He ended it with her, changed his number, booked therapy,
told work, booked us marriage therapy, being the most attentive and lovely man… I felt so relieved and stopped pushing the divorce with the solicitor - it’s already been filed but I wasn’t going to go ahead with phase 2.

then i just felt so sad. Heavy and sad that I have allowed him back after he’s cheated on me 3 times (that I know of!) and left me twice - the first time when I had a 3 month old and a 3 year old, no woman ever surfaced but my god his behaviour was so similar.

sad that the affair went on for 2 months and every day during that time he chose her and not me, and sad that he has hurt me more than anyone has ever hurt me yet I give him so much. Sad that he couldn’t choose me, until he thought he was really going to lose me.

before he came back just before valentines my friend encouraged me to make an online dating profile. I know this might be indicative of low self worth or whatever but I needed a boost. I did it, was horrified at most profiles but swiped one or two. I deleted the app and having been on it just missed my ex even more. We slept together and had a lovely few days - I was ready for forgive and forget.

but I realised that before he came back something within me had come back too. A sparkle. A bit of fire. I was seeing friend more, going out, feeling less heavy. I still struggled with the fact he had cheated on me twice before - before our wedding and I still ignored the reg flags and went ahead.
he Told me she was more ‘alive’ than me during one of our discussions and i just felt such rage. Alive!? Me… the bread winner.. full time working with two children often that I looked after alone during us shifts. It made my blood boil.

after a night out re-downloaded the app and found a friendly message from one of the man I had swiped. We messaged each other back and forth over the next few days - and my husband wanted to see my phone as he could tell something was a bit off. I had stopped wanting to sleep with him and actually for the first time ever felt a sense of repulsion over his character and behavior to the point where I didn’t want him to touch me.

before I knew it this guy had asked me for coffee and although I knew it would murk the waters I also knew that I had to go. I had to see how it might feel. My friends encouraged me and because we had ‘clicked’ over messages I just felt curious.

we met. I still can’t believe I went. We had a lovely time and it felt so nice to be in the presence of a man that I didn’t have all this horrible history with - the resentment and disappointment, the shame at how I had allowed myself to be treated.

i was wracked with guilt when I saw my husband to the point where I felt sick. This also allowed me to see how cruel he had been to be - seeing a woman for 2 months - including over Xmas … sleeping with her and god knows what else. All I had done was have coffee and it just put his character into perspective.

i don’t think anything will come of this man on the app as it’s so early for me and i probably shouldn’t be dating. But he wants to see me again this week. He made me feel great, and the conversation flowed so easily. He allowed me to realise that I could eventually perhaps find a man one day who would treat me better and make me feel awesome. It made me realise that I didn’t have to put up with this man who has disrespected me so many times.

I came back and told my husband I want a month to get my head straight and think about whether I can take him back. However, i think I know the answer.

I’ve looked at myself and realised that I’m a decent person.
I work hard
im reliable and loyal
I’m a good friend
I’m responsible and honest
I’m not super model but have always had plenty of male attention
ive got a good job
etc etc
im 36 and actually I would rather make a break now than in 10-25 years when he potentially does this again.

the hardest thing is he is a wreck. Crying and lost, saying his life isn’t worth living without me etc etc

I must remember he’s had multiple chances and failed to be reliable and honest each time over our 12 year relationship

i think I need to be bold and take the leap

This is uncannily similar to the way that things played out with myself and ExH. We had been together for 16 years, with a 5 & 3 year old, when I found out that he had been cheating on me. I didn't leave, for fear of the unknown. As the months and years rolled on, I uncovered even more infidelities. He never wanted to leave me, he wanted his cake and to eat it too.

Like you, I put up with so much crap, for fear of the unknown (he had been my first BF!). Anyway, after a few years, I started going out more, and one night in a nightclub, I was chatting to a lovely man, who suddenly kissed me! It was like a lightbulb moment of realisation, that I was attractive and that "other men were available" (Not that you need a man of course). Over the next few months, I completely switched off my H, and started seeing other men and plotting to leave. I did not get serious with the man from the club (we had a few dates), but he was the catalyst for change in me, and realising my self worth.

I moved out with the children (who were 11 & 9 by this point), and we got a lovely little house of our own. Naturally, at this point, ExH thought I was the best thing since sliced bread (eye roll) and begged me not to go. By this point I think I actively hated him for what he had done.

A few months after moving out, I joined a dating website and had a bit of fun. Then I met my now DH. He is so different from ExH. So caring and loyal, and decent. We have been together for almost 15 years now. When I think back to the amount of shit I put up with, with ExH, I can't believe A) that I did, and B) that he was such a bastard in the first place.

Also, I think it's worth noting that with ExH, he was given several chances to change, before I left him, but he never did. So even if you cave in now, he will revert to type. He also cheated on his partners who came along after me. And, I think he's currently cheating on his current long term partner who he lives with.

Not sure if my story helps you. But it seems just so similar to yours.

BeachBlondey · 07/03/2023 11:41

Oh, and as a PP said, had I known what life was waiting for me with DH, I would have happily packed ExH bags.

I shudder to think now, that if I had stayed with ExH, I would have missed finding the real love of my life. And the inner peace that you have, when you are with a trustworthy partner. I never have to wonder where he is, who he's with, if he's cheating, which is what I was constantly doing before, which is bloody horrible.

Beaverbridge · 07/03/2023 11:50

Good for you, cheering you on.

1Fedup2023 · 07/03/2023 13:29

Hope it all works out, my husband is leaving for a bunch on online fantasy women, slightly easier to deal with.

Original poster

Chchchchangess · 07/03/2023 13:52

ok thanks ladies.

my ex is now being very difficult. His put the blame on me and is asking to see my phone. Not falling for it! He’s realised that he can’t control me and is spiralling.

in other news I’ve had two lovely hour phone calls with the other man, and we have two dates planned. He’s cooking dinner, and then on the weekend taking me to a spa. This does not feel real at all. I cannot comprehend it, but I’m pretty sure I’m gojng to go and have a lovely time. all this whilst I’ve asked my ex for a months head space - does this make me a cruel person?

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Brightshinylight · 07/03/2023 14:18

His put the blame on me and is asking to see my phone.

Wow, your ex has a selection memory doesn’t he. Taking absolutely no responsibility for his past actions and now he claims it is your fault as you are calling the shots.🤨

enjoy your dinner date and spa and be happy you are free from that spineless man.

and no you are not a cruel person, you gave him plenty of chances to redeem himself. If you waiver just think of all the times he left you with the dc whilst bed hopping with other women and lying to you about it.

1Fedup2023 · 07/03/2023 14:33

Its great to hear, you sound like you are over your ex, have a great time at the spa!

Pinkbonbon · 07/03/2023 14:37

Op I wouldn't be going on a second date to a man's house. 'Cooking dinner' doesn't actually mean that.

Im glad you've been brave and booted this asshole and understand that dating is a nice ego boost but you are very vulnerable right now and not thinking straight if you think it's safe to go to this mans house on date 2. Please rethink that.

I'd suggest somewhere else. See how he takes it. If he seems annoyed or cancels at the last minute or keeps trying to arrange dinner dates- avoid.

You've been out the dating game a while so it's normal to not know these things. But, heads up.

If I were you, I'd actually take some time single op. Until you've built up your boundaries again and recovered from the shitty ex. Otherwise you're at real risk of players and abusers targeting you.

Pinkbonbon · 07/03/2023 14:38

And don't be fooled by thinking 'oh but he says we'll go to a spa'. Yeah, on date 3. After date 2 at his house. 90% chance date 3 won't be happening fyi.

Original poster

Chchchchangess · 07/03/2023 15:04

Oh that’s interesting. Thank you. Point taken.

We were supposed to be going to a pub but it was me that suggested coming to his he suggested a pub half way between us that I was keen to avoid 😂

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AcrossthePond55 · 07/03/2023 15:29

I'm glad you've made up your mind about splitting with that waste of space. As of right now, he 'ceases to exist' for you. Live your life as if he weren't around. Ask nothing, give nothing, depend on nothing. And see a solicitor ASAP.

But, please be very careful about jumping from the frying pan into the fire with this new man. It's always good to 'take a break' after the end of a long relationship or a marriage, especially an abusive one, and learn 'who you really are'. Breathe in your independence and the ability to call your time and your life you own. You may not think it, but you are vulnerable. Even the strongest of us is after going through trauma, and a marriage break up is traumatic even if it's 100% wanted. And some men are like sharks, they can sense blood in the water a mile off. Just be very careful, especially if you're the type to leap before you look.

Original poster

Chchchchangess · 07/03/2023 15:29

Ohhh I’m now debating whether to back out of it now… but I really want to go 😂 I like to think my instincts are pretty good but maybe you’re right I am not thinking clearly. X

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monsteramunch · 07/03/2023 15:35

But, please be very careful about jumping from the frying pan into the fire with this new man. It's always good to 'take a break' after the end of a long relationship or a marriage, especially an abusive one, and learn 'who you really are'. Breathe in your independence and the ability to call your time and your life you own. You may not think it, but you are vulnerable. Even the strongest of us is after going through trauma, and a marriage break up is traumatic even if it's 100% wanted. And some men are like sharks, they can sense blood in the water a mile off. Just be very careful, especially if you're the type to leap before you look.

I absolutely agree with this.

Go gently OP.

Original poster

Chchchchangess · 07/03/2023 16:14

So true.

im going to have a think..

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Brightshinylight · 07/03/2023 17:18

OP - I am going to slightly disagree. Go back
over your posts and see how far you have come. You have gone through the grief, anger, fear taken him back, regretted it and now moving on.

you know what you want, and don’t want. So yes, be careful with the new man and don’t make any hasty or major decisions but also move forward and embrace life again. If new man makes you happy, great but take it steady.

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 07/03/2023 17:27

OP You do not need a man in your life to feel whole. You can do that all on your own

Original poster

Chchchchangess · 07/03/2023 18:21

Thanks all.

unless there are any reg flags that emerge in our communication between now and tomorrow, I’m going to go ahead with the date. will share my location with a few close friends and keep in touch. I know this is controversial, as I’m out of the relationship so briefly, and I can absolutely see why some things this is a bad idea! I agree I’m also somewhat vulnerable but actually I also feel for the first time in ages that I know what I want and won’t put up with any crap.

my ex is wallowing and it’s painful. I actually pity him so much that I want to give him a hug but I need to stay strong. He’s had multiple chances and chances don’t last forever. X

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PopGoesTheProsecco · 07/03/2023 21:31

Good luck OP! Hope it goes well. To be fair some people thought I started dating ‘too soon’ after ExH left, and others were encouraging me to date, but I wanted to feel desirable again and to have some fun (I was having counselling at the same time though). And to be honest I thought ‘why is it too soon for me to date after ExH left while he started a relationship when we were still together’.

I started dating a man from Match (was literally just on the weekends when we had no kids) and I was adamant that it was just a bit of fun and I was not interested in a long term relationship, and I told him that.

We’ve been together ten happy years now.

We’ve both been cheated on but we both trust each other 100%.

I hope your date is fun. But please look out for yourself physically and mentally and maybe consider some counselling - it really helps you to understand what you’ve been through, where you are now and what you need in a future partner.

Please do not feel sorry for that pathetic a-hole. This whole situation is of his making. And he may hurt knowing that you’re having fun on a date with another guy - he caused this.

PopGoesTheProsecco · 07/03/2023 21:40

Forgot to say that when cheating ExH found out I had a boyfriend he actually said to a mutual friend ‘Who’d want her? She’s got three children!’ Completely ‘forgetting’ those three children were his and that he’d cheated with someone who knew he had three children. 🤦‍♀️

Original poster

Chchchchangess · 08/03/2023 07:10

Thank you.

I am having counselling once every two weeks.

ill update how the date goes xx

happy international women’s day xx

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