Husband leaving me for another woman. Pls help. shock.

[Chchchchangess]

I can’t write much detail right now but I desperately need some positivity.

my husband has been acting off for months and last night I questioned him about it and he finally told me he’d met someone else from work. She gives him the attention that he hasn’t been getting from me.

please be gentle.

i know my marriage is over but I still care about him.

im 36 and clearly have very low esteem

He Left me three years ago but I let him come back - our baby was only a few months. another woman never transpired. He cheated on me before, though… about 10 years ago.

infeel sick.

we have two boys age 7&4.

I am crumbling please help

Hope you are ok💐

Some great advice on here seriously. Both emotional and practical. Hope you're OK. 💐.

I will update when I can. Thanks ladies. It’s embarrassing though xx

I hope you're ok. There are so many here who've been there and can give you perspective, advice and warn you of the consequences of certain decisions and choices. Check-in when you can.

It is normal things don’t go as you planned, you are vulnerable, and bound to crumble at being sweet talked into something you wouldn’t have done with hindsight.

Agree with other comments OP - don’t feel embarrassed - you are in a very vulnerable place - I know I would have done almost anything to reinstate the status quo or get minor revenge in those early months. I just wasn’t behaving like I normally would. You will get past this…

OP I guarantee you've done nothing that no-one here hasn't done, or worse. Nothing to be embarrassed about. You are in Grief and it's totally normal to do crazy, irrational, jaw dropping bonkersness when in the throes of Grief.

Give yourself a break mentally, all is OK.

Agree with others OP. Nothing is ever that bad and in time it might even be something that you can look back on and laugh or look back on and think. No wonder I dud that given the circumstances. Be kind to yourself and forgive yourself. You've been through a lot.

OP, if the "embarrassing thing" you've done is get back with him - please don't worry about saying it. Lots of couples try again - and sometimes when you've got DC, it can feel overwhelming to try and navigate through a split. Lots and lots of women have posted on here about being tempted to get back with a cheating ex because the ex was being lovely, they missed him and their DC missed their dad etc etc. Sometimes the easy solution is all that you can cope with - and that's OK.

So if it IS that - then there's no judgement. Real life is so much more complicated than it appears from reading a post on MN. Please don't feel any shame at all.

And if it's something else, then no doubt you won't be the first or the last person to do whatever it is you've done.

There's a whole heap of women on here who will hold you up, no matter what the circumstances are - and whether things work out or not. I hope you're OK ❤️

Don’t be embarrassed op. You’ve been through a nightmare time and you life has been upended.

i will update when I can but long and short of it I got back with him. We even booked a holiday for next year. He ended it with her, changed his number, booked therapy,
told work, booked us marriage therapy, being the most attentive and lovely man… I felt so relieved and stopped pushing the divorce with the solicitor - it’s already been filed but I wasn’t going to go ahead with phase 2.

then i just felt so sad. Heavy and sad that I have allowed him back after he’s cheated on me 3 times (that I know of!) and left me twice - the first time when I had a 3 month old and a 3 year old, no woman ever surfaced but my god his behaviour was so similar.

sad that the affair went on for 2 months and every day during that time he chose her and not me, and sad that he has hurt me more than anyone has ever hurt me yet I give him so much. Sad that he couldn’t choose me, until he thought he was really going to lose me.

before he came back just before valentines my friend encouraged me to make an online dating profile. I know this might be indicative of low self worth or whatever but I needed a boost. I did it, was horrified at most profiles but swiped one or two. I deleted the app and having been on it just missed my ex even more. We slept together and had a lovely few days - I was ready for forgive and forget.

but I realised that before he came back something within me had come back too. A sparkle. A bit of fire. I was seeing friend more, going out, feeling less heavy. I still struggled with the fact he had cheated on me twice before - before our wedding and I still ignored the reg flags and went ahead.
he Told me she was more ‘alive’ than me during one of our discussions and i just felt such rage. Alive!? Me… the bread winner.. full time working with two children often that I looked after alone during us shifts. It made my blood boil.

after a night out re-downloaded the app and found a friendly message from one of the man I had swiped. We messaged each other back and forth over the next few days - and my husband wanted to see my phone as he could tell something was a bit off. I had stopped wanting to sleep with him and actually for the first time ever felt a sense of repulsion over his character and behavior to the point where I didn’t want him to touch me.

before I knew it this guy had asked me for coffee and although I knew it would murk the waters I also knew that I had to go. I had to see how it might feel. My friends encouraged me and because we had ‘clicked’ over messages I just felt curious.

we met. I still can’t believe I went. We had a lovely time and it felt so nice to be in the presence of a man that I didn’t have all this horrible history with - the resentment and disappointment, the shame at how I had allowed myself to be treated.

i was wracked with guilt when I saw my husband to the point where I felt sick. This also allowed me to see how cruel he had been to be - seeing a woman for 2 months - including over Xmas … sleeping with her and god knows what else. All I had done was have coffee and it just put his character into perspective.

i don’t think anything will come of this man on the app as it’s so early for me and i probably shouldn’t be dating. But he wants to see me again this week. He made me feel great, and the conversation flowed so easily. He allowed me to realise that I could eventually perhaps find a man one day who would treat me better and make me feel awesome. It made me realise that I didn’t have to put up with this man who has disrespected me so many times.

I came back and told my husband I want a month to get my head straight and think about whether I can take him back. However, i think I know the answer.

I’ve looked at myself and realised that I’m a decent person.
I work hard
im reliable and loyal
I’m a good friend
I’m responsible and honest
I’m not super model but have always had plenty of male attention
ive got a good job
etc etc
im 36 and actually I would rather make a break now than in 10-25 years when he potentially does this again.

the hardest thing is he is a wreck. Crying and lost, saying his life isn’t worth living without me etc etc

I must remember he’s had multiple chances and failed to be reliable and honest each time over our 12 year relationship

i think I need to be bold and take the leap

That's not embarrassing, that's amazing. You do deserve better than him and you're seeing it.
You have a bit of control now too which always makes things easier. Go ahead with the divorce, if you want to reconcile in future you still can but it sounds like you know your worth and you're moving on, and he's regretting his terrible actions.

What a great update OP! It sounds like you're working through this and moving onwards and upwards.

You deserve so much better and there are much better men out there who will love you and treat you with the respect you deserve.

Please ignore his self-indulgent crying. He's lived without you before (when he chose to leave you), but now that you've chosen to live without him, he's no longer in control and he doesn't like it. And, if he's broken it off with the OW he's kind of burnt all his bridges. He's crying for himself, because of a situation he caused.

You are worth so much more than his man, you are allowed to be happy! He's just crying because he's had his cake and now he's paying the price.

What a strong woman you are. You realise your self worth now you can see what a nasty person he is. You're taking away his power and he is no longer in control. Well done. Keep on moving on.

I see no embarrassing lapses of judgement in your most recent post, OP. You sound like a woman who is rediscovering her worth and I wish you nothing but the best.

Sounds like taking him back was a good thing in that you now know you don't want him. This should make ending it again easier to deal with. Good for you. He doesn't deserve you.

Nothing to be embarrassed about. I applaud you for acknowledging your own self worth, sometimes we have to take unexpected routes to get there.

Wow! What an amazing post! You’ve realised how amazing you are… and he’s realised the grass is very rarely greener… good luck to you OP! You deserve happiness!

You are making the right call. Good for you, you can move forward on your terms now knowing exactly what you are walking away from. Know your worth and make sure everyone else does as well.

your husband was quite happy to cheat on you with OW but now he is faced with the prospect of being on his own he is feeling sorry for himself.

Thank you everyone.

i just don’t respect him anymore, I think that’s what it is. I feel sadness and pity that he has self sabotaged his life, and our family’s. But ultimately I am going to make sure that the boys and I have a good life. I have no idea how he will manage…

Ive also been asked out on a second date on Wednesday, which is the day my ex has the children… so I think I’m going to go!

I know there will be hard moments ahead, but nothing can be harder than living a life you don’t fully believe in… living a lie.. knowing you’ve let someone go against your core values and principles over and over. Xx

Magnificent!

Ignore the tears - he's in 'poor me me me me me me ME ME ' mode.

Keep up your list - you're going to be finding more things to add to it. All the shitty dismissive things he's said about you.

And beware what he SAYS to you. Because he will say anything to get what he wants.

Believe what he DOES.
Because that's when he showed you who and what he IS.

The promises, the tears, flowers, trips, yadayadaya ...smokescreen. Not real.

The cheating, insults, belittling, odious comparisons - that's who and what he really is.

What you've reminded yourself of though is who you really are.

And it's not the labels he gave you.

All the very best.

So sorry that you are going through this. It does get better. Really recommend chumplady.com and her book Leave a Cheater Gain a Life. Also, Google HALT - this be really helpful when you are going through trauma. Massive hug and handhold, to you and everyone else wading through this mess.

Good for you OP! You’ve got this!

Hope the second date goes well!

Yes, there may be hard moments ahead but there will be fantastic moments too.

I never thought I’d find love again after the ExH left for the OW. But I’m happier now than I ever was in my marriage. Am with someone who loves and respects me in a way that the ExH never could.

I do feel sorry for my ExH sometimes, the kids are teens and tweens now and sometimes they don’t go to his house EOW because they’d rather stay with me and DP and see their friends. But every time I feel a little bit sorry that the kids don’t want to see him, I tell myself ‘you reap what you sow’.

Good luck OP! X