Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband leaving me for another woman. Pls help. shock.

466 replies

Chchchchangess · 26/01/2023 08:14

I can’t write much detail right now but I desperately need some positivity.

my husband has been acting off for months and last night I questioned him about it and he finally told me he’d met someone else from work. She gives him the attention that he hasn’t been getting from me.

please be gentle.

i know my marriage is over but I still care about him.

im 36 and clearly have very low esteem

He Left me three years ago but I let him come back - our baby was only a few months. another woman never transpired. He cheated on me before, though… about 10 years ago.

infeel sick.

we have two boys age 7&4.

I am crumbling please help

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 07/02/2023 21:47

Chchchchangess · 07/02/2023 21:39

Thank you ladies this gives me hope.

I’ve spoken to my counsellor this evening and felt a lot better after a day of crying infront of colleagues at work too often. I even almost unblocked him on FB

i must remember that this man is not my friend. He has treated me like a piece of poo on the floor and has humiliated me utterly. The lies and deceit over the last few months is honestly so sickening.

im panicking about finding another man as I’m seeking stability and security. I can however provide those things on my own without a man. It’s 2 weeks in and I have got to just focus on myself and children.

he sees the kids at my house several times a week and is staying over on Friday. It’s not ideal but I can go to my parents and enjoy some time alone and with friends ETc.

thinking of joining the gym.

jusf want to say thank you to alll replying xx

Why are you letting him stay over on Friday night? You are being far too accommodating but well done for getting through the day

PopGoesTheProsecco · 07/02/2023 21:59

He is not your friend, he’s treated you - and your children appallingly.

I used to let my ex stay at weekends for the kids, but the impact on my mental health was huge, and my 2yo would search the house for him when he left again to be with the OW.

is there any way you can stop him staying over? X

Whatnext2023 · 07/02/2023 22:17

I too let mine stay over one night per week but also found the whole thing unbearable. He was in a different room (of course!), but still knowing he was in my home and then hearing him get up in the morning and drive off - it almost felt like he was leaving us every week.

Is there a real reason for him staying? Or is he just being a bit lazy? Surely he could drive to wherever he is living once he’s said goodnight to DC? Or even a local cheap hotel if he bleats the distance is too far?? Failing that - a tent in the garden?!

well done for making another day!

Original poster
Chchchchangess · 08/02/2023 06:27

I know.

he wants to have a sleep over with the boys. And I don’t want them to go to a hotel as this is their home, and he is renting a room in a house so they can’t go there

i do feel like I’m being too accommodating but if I say no the kids lose out…

OP posts:
Putyourhandsintheair · 08/02/2023 07:49

But the kids won't be losing out because of you, they will be losing out because of him. That means HE is the one that needs to solve the problem and find a more appropriate solution or living situation. Otherwise this could go on for months. My similar experience is that your own space should be sacrosanct. He is having his privacy and his space, you shouldn't feel like your space can just be invaded.

You are being a kind and thoughtful mum doing this but it is just as important that you are kind and thoughtful to yourself.

Whatnext2023 · 08/02/2023 10:51

Chchchchangess · 08/02/2023 06:27

I know.

he wants to have a sleep over with the boys. And I don’t want them to go to a hotel as this is their home, and he is renting a room in a house so they can’t go there

i do feel like I’m being too accommodating but if I say no the kids lose out…

I can’t help but notice how you say “he” wants to have a sleepover… but I wonder what you want? And what the boys actually want? The best bit about sleepovers is the night before… getting into bed with snacks and films… is it so crucial he also needs to be there when you all wake up? Could he not leave once they are in bed?

you sound like a wonderful mum who is doing everything she can to minimise the impact on your DS lives… but as a previous PP said, you need to think of you too. How you feel is also important for your boys well-being…

Reigateforever · 08/02/2023 11:03

No, no, no. He is pushing you out of your home.
He lost the right to sleep in the family home when he cheated on you. Please don’t let him. Stop feeling sorry for him. He will turn this against you saying that he is ready to make amends, only to gaslight you later. I speak from experience please stop his charades.
He can book into a cheap hotel but not in your home, your DC can treat this as an exciting experience going away for a weekend. His soft talking is working on you, is a farce, he must be laughing behind your back and thinking how clever he is. Please don’t let him. You will find better in the future.

Reigateforever · 08/02/2023 11:07

Why can’t your boys stay with him at his parents, they could ‘camp’ there inside or as warmer weather is coming they can camp outside?

Eyerollcentral · 08/02/2023 11:16

Chchchchangess · 08/02/2023 06:27

I know.

he wants to have a sleep over with the boys. And I don’t want them to go to a hotel as this is their home, and he is renting a room in a house so they can’t go there

i do feel like I’m being too accommodating but if I say no the kids lose out…

Tell him to organise it elsewhere. He has forfeited his rights to stay in the same house as you and the kids. Tell him to sort his life out. You are mad to do this.

Soothsayer1 · 08/02/2023 12:14

Chchchchangess · 08/02/2023 06:27

I know.

he wants to have a sleep over with the boys. And I don’t want them to go to a hotel as this is their home, and he is renting a room in a house so they can’t go there

i do feel like I’m being too accommodating but if I say no the kids lose out…

He knows exactly what he is doing, he is deliberately putting you in a position where you are very compromised and whatever you do do will cause problems for you.
He doesn't want a 'sleepover with the boys' he wants to fuck around with you.
Mark my words he's trying to play you like a violin.
I think it's best to shut this down as quickly as you can, don't engage with him on it he's completely out of order, trying to worm his way back in by making you feel guilty.
He's a snake🐍

Soothsayer1 · 08/02/2023 12:17

Damned if you do damned if you don't, heads I win tails you lose
This is exactly the position he wants you to be in, completely under his control and jerked around like a puppet.
Switch off your emotions and deal with him like the cold person he is, he is just reaching for whatever levers he can pull so that he can get back in control of you

Soothsayer1 · 08/02/2023 12:19

All he's doing here is keeping his foot in the door, picture that, him standing in your doorway with his foot and you trying to shut the door and him refusing to go away
That's what's happening.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/02/2023 13:30

No to a sleepover! As others are saying he's getting the best of both worlds. His new 'bachelor life' and 'happy families' (even if you do take yourself off). And as others have said, this is in no way your fault. HE created this situation, let him manage it! He needs to find an acceptable place to have his sons for 'his time'. He's obviously a 'resourceful' man. Let him figure it out.

What's wrong with a hotel, by the way? It would be a fun adventure for the boys. He can order room service and bring snacks in. Take some board games or cards. Plus they can all lay on the beds and watch telly. I used to love staying in hotels with my parents.

He IS trying to keep a foot in what is now YOUR door. This is blocking you from really starting to build a separate new life. And may also be giving your sons the idea that this is all temporary, that Dad isn't really 'gone for good'.

Sereni5 · 08/02/2023 14:16

AcrossthePond55 · 08/02/2023 13:30

No to a sleepover! As others are saying he's getting the best of both worlds. His new 'bachelor life' and 'happy families' (even if you do take yourself off). And as others have said, this is in no way your fault. HE created this situation, let him manage it! He needs to find an acceptable place to have his sons for 'his time'. He's obviously a 'resourceful' man. Let him figure it out.

What's wrong with a hotel, by the way? It would be a fun adventure for the boys. He can order room service and bring snacks in. Take some board games or cards. Plus they can all lay on the beds and watch telly. I used to love staying in hotels with my parents.

He IS trying to keep a foot in what is now YOUR door. This is blocking you from really starting to build a separate new life. And may also be giving your sons the idea that this is all temporary, that Dad isn't really 'gone for good'.

This is spot on

Dontfallforit · 08/02/2023 20:18

My husband left me and there was no closure too. I did eventually find out it was for another woman. Just after the split, before I knew about the o.w. I let him go over to the house for a sleepover with the kids, and when I came back the next day, he had cleaned the house out and snatched the kids. I'm not saying this would happen to you, but please, please don't make the same mistake I did. Get things to go through court and get a court order.

PopGoesTheProsecco · 08/02/2023 21:35

OMG @Dontfallforit that sounds horrific!

Did you get your DCs back?

cilary · 09/02/2023 19:49

Abreezeitheglade · 26/01/2023 09:20

He wrote that because he enjoys play with your emotions which is cruel. He wants to watch as you crumble. He wants to give you hope then smash it away again. He’s not a man he’s a fucking monster.

He’s not a monster is he for heavens sake, he’s just a cheating arsehole.

Hope you are okay op. I’ve been there. You will be okay. Flowers

PopGoesTheProsecco · 24/02/2023 21:13

@Chchchchangess How are you doing OP? We’re still here if you need a hand hold x

Original poster
Chchchchangess · 04/03/2023 09:51

I need to update you. It’s been an absolute shit show here.

I just want to thank you all for being there for me when it all kicked off.

I’ve had a lapse in judgement and have made things so complicated for myself.

I’ll update when I can.

definifely need a hand hold x

OP posts:
Alstothemarvshien · 04/03/2023 09:56

You're allowed to have lapses in judgement OP. Your world has been turned upside down. You're missing the security and stability. You've been caught on the back foot and you're all at sea.

Workinghardeveryday · 04/03/2023 10:08

No wonder you have had a lapse in judgment, you have been put through so much.

hand to hold here @Chchchchangess xx

SenseiOfDuty · 04/03/2023 10:11

Ok. There's someone in your life who can take care of you, who you can trust to protect you.

That's you. You don't have to let the part of you who still loves him be in control. The you who aspires to have boundaries and to have some distance can take charge even if you have to fake being that person for a while.

And of course it's turned into a shit show. You're still learning, and he's not just an arse, it's just that he's everything else that he was and also the person who's hurt you and your children the most . Take some time to regroup and reassess.

Reigateforever · 04/03/2023 10:34

Just write on here and we’ll try to help. He’s trying to undermine you and with your mind in a still in shock you won’t be able to think straight. Keep yourself and dc safe in your house Take care.

PopGoesTheProsecco · 04/03/2023 10:38

We’re still here, update us when you can and we’ll be here. x

IHateLegDay · 04/03/2023 10:38

Sending a handhold.
You've been through a trauma so making decisions in that time is never easy and we often make ones that we'll regret later.
The positive point is that you see that you need to change things to improve your situation so start making steps toward your end goal.

Swipe left for the next trending thread