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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband leaving me for another woman. Pls help. shock.

466 replies

Chchchchangess · 26/01/2023 08:14

I can’t write much detail right now but I desperately need some positivity.

my husband has been acting off for months and last night I questioned him about it and he finally told me he’d met someone else from work. She gives him the attention that he hasn’t been getting from me.

please be gentle.

i know my marriage is over but I still care about him.

im 36 and clearly have very low esteem

He Left me three years ago but I let him come back - our baby was only a few months. another woman never transpired. He cheated on me before, though… about 10 years ago.

infeel sick.

we have two boys age 7&4.

I am crumbling please help

OP posts:
yukkamumma · 02/02/2023 07:17

There's a red talk called how to mend a broken heart that really helped me. And reassuring myself that I felt more sorry for his next victim really helped too. And eventually going out with someone else and seeing what I deserve sealed the deal. Now idgaf who he sees, he's their problem now!

yukkamumma · 02/02/2023 07:18

Ted talk not red talk!

Wish44 · 02/02/2023 07:57

I read Elena ferrenti (sp?) the days of abandonment and some self help books. It took a while to find one that chimed with me but when I did it was so helpful( I chucked anything in the bin that suggested cheating was a sign of a bad relationship) .

When I imagined them together I trained myself to think about him having fun while I was working hard at our family life and the children and that provoked the anger. It's hard work but you retrain your brain eventually. Good luck OP it's so so hard.

Emotionalsupportviper · 02/02/2023 09:23

( I chucked anything in the bin that suggested cheating was a sign of a bad relationship) .

Quite right!

It's a sign he's a total tw*t!

SlightlyJaded · 02/02/2023 09:28

Chchchchangess · 02/02/2023 06:32

Any tips on what to do when I get horrible visions of him together with the woman? It’s gut wrenching.. x

A cheat is a cheat is a cheat. He is, and will always be, a man who cheats.

When you feel sick at the thought of them together, imagine a timeline. You are at peak distress and will start to heal from this point forward. She is in peak oblivion and has all this misery to come.

Very few relationships that start as infidelity survive - this is highly unlikely to be the start of anything happy or healthy for him. It will come crashing down - by which time you will be in a much better place. So my advice, remind yourself that you are at your all time low - they still have that to come.

Whatnext2023 · 02/02/2023 10:16

I wonder if it even feels so exciting for them anymore? I imagine as soon as their seedy story was out… it immediately lost an element of sparkle… quickly replaced by shame. I bet reality / mundanity is already quietly biting at their ankles…

Emotionalsupportviper · 02/02/2023 11:26

And in 6 months time, when he is sobbing that he has "made a mistake", and he only just now "realises what he threw away", and "how much he loves you", just tell him that it might have been a mistake for him, but it wasn't for you.

TheSilveryPussycat · 02/02/2023 11:37

Practice a default reply if speaking with him and he suggests something, no matter what. "I'll have a think about that." Then think it through for a couple of days before deciding your response.

PopGoesTheProsecco · 03/02/2023 17:01

Chchchchangess · 02/02/2023 06:32

Any tips on what to do when I get horrible visions of him together with the woman? It’s gut wrenching.. x

I used to imagine the OW discovering each of his bad habits and being repulsed (think nose picking and pube twiddling) 🤮

PopGoesTheProsecco · 04/02/2023 20:38

How are you doing @Chchchchangess? I hope today was an ‘up’ day.

PopGoesTheProsecco · 04/02/2023 20:40

@Chchchchangess - sorry have to ask because of your username - are you a fellow Bowie fan?

Original poster
Chchchchangess · 04/02/2023 22:18

Thank you so much for checking in on me! It’s not been a bad day actually! I still feel sad at points but it’s not as raw as last week - I haven’t cried properly in days - apart from very mild watery moments! Crying makes me feel better so I don’t avoid it, but I’ve just felt so much more controlled. I’ve seen him in the house a lot and I just don’t feel the anger towards him that I thought I would, I think this is because I know deep down that I’m going to be better off!

Now he has the children - albeit in our home - I’ve found the time to go on really long walks listening to empowering music! It’s been awesome! I totally underestimated the power of music!

im riding the highs while they come because I know there will be lows to come.

love Bowie!

OP posts:
PopGoesTheProsecco · 04/02/2023 22:43

OMG - you’ve come so far so quickly! I think it took me two months to get to where you are now! You are fabulous!

And yes Bowie is amazing!

Reigateforever · 04/02/2023 23:22

I am really pleased you are feeling more in control of the situation and your life.
However, please be aware he could be still trying to wheedle his way back into your personal love life, softly softly nicely nicely, you could be letting your barriers down. It’s a shame he can’t find somewhere else to see your DC as it’s your and your DC home now and you admit seen him in the house a lot and I just don’t feel the anger towards him. He could turn round and say look how good we are together and blame you for the split.

Whatnext2023 · 05/02/2023 10:10

Wow OP! What a turnaround for you! And so quickly! Like @PopGoesTheProsecco - it took me months to feel any sort of ‘better’…. So you are doing amazingly. And even if you have down days now (which are bound to happen)… you know you can have great days too… so hold on to that thought!

Emotionalsupportviper · 05/02/2023 15:30

Reigateforever · 04/02/2023 23:22

I am really pleased you are feeling more in control of the situation and your life.
However, please be aware he could be still trying to wheedle his way back into your personal love life, softly softly nicely nicely, you could be letting your barriers down. It’s a shame he can’t find somewhere else to see your DC as it’s your and your DC home now and you admit seen him in the house a lot and I just don’t feel the anger towards him. He could turn round and say look how good we are together and blame you for the split.

Some good points from @Reigateforever - the day may come when he decides that what's on the other side of the fence isn't green grass - it's mould, and wants to inveigle his way back into a comfortable home with a loving wife and his washing and cooking done for him.

Remind yourself of how much he has hurt you and your children.

In the meantime, enjoy your "me-time" (I'll bet you didn't get much of it when he lived with you)

Original poster
Chchchchangess · 07/02/2023 09:51

Please help me. I am really struggling today. I’m at work but so teary and sad. I did something silly and looked on tinder and didn’t fancy a single bloke. Will I ever find anyone again? I can’t stop ruminating over whether I’ll be attracted to anyone again. I know he’s done me so so wrong but I can’t help but want him back as a strange comfort thing. I want to message him and have a huge rant at him but I know it’s futile. I don’t want to be alone forever. I’m 36 and I feel like I’m running out of time. If I’m gojng to find someone else I need to move fast before I get older. I know that’s the worst thing I could do as I’d probably end up in another wrong relationship. Feeling very vulnerable and just want a hug from him. So bloody hard. I have counselling tomorrow so will bring this up.

OP posts:
Iwantabloodypizza · 07/02/2023 09:56

Chchchchangess · 07/02/2023 09:51

Please help me. I am really struggling today. I’m at work but so teary and sad. I did something silly and looked on tinder and didn’t fancy a single bloke. Will I ever find anyone again? I can’t stop ruminating over whether I’ll be attracted to anyone again. I know he’s done me so so wrong but I can’t help but want him back as a strange comfort thing. I want to message him and have a huge rant at him but I know it’s futile. I don’t want to be alone forever. I’m 36 and I feel like I’m running out of time. If I’m gojng to find someone else I need to move fast before I get older. I know that’s the worst thing I could do as I’d probably end up in another wrong relationship. Feeling very vulnerable and just want a hug from him. So bloody hard. I have counselling tomorrow so will bring this up.

You will fancy another man again. But it will take time.

This is a good thing, it will protect you from jumping into another relationship which would be a massive mistake at the moment.

Whatnext2023 · 07/02/2023 10:25

@Chchchchangess I just want to reassure you that you are not alone in this feeling - I know the feeling well. As I’m sure have many others on MN! I hope there is some comfort in that.

I did similar thing and signed up for OLD about 2 months post split and it just made me feel so low and panicky as I felt nothing for any of the little pictures I saw on my phone. But then why would we? For me attraction comes more when you actually meet and talk to someone and feel a connection… looking at little pictures was never going to do it! Anyway I deleted my profile almost instantly and haven’t gone back yet and now 6 months in!

I figure this is a normal feeling and believe deep down there will be someone out there. If you read Rosie Green’s book she talks about exactly this - and how most of her friends in similar situations feared never meeting anyone again. But they all have! Please do read it if you can. It’s been such a comfort to me.

I should also say that 36 is still incredibly young!! I know it won’t feel like it, but you do genuinely have bags of time to meet someone…

I also wonder whether it’s because XDH seems to be moving on so quickly? Like his life’s all sorted… and there’s a sense of being left behind… likelihood is, his will just come plummeting down as yours takes off… so try to see the bigger picture / longer game…

sending much love as I do understand the horrible feeling - I’m there too!! Just a bit further on!

PopGoesTheProsecco · 07/02/2023 10:25

@Chchchchangess as the PP said yes you will - but it will take time.

Counselling helped me hugely after my ExH - it helped me to see the sort of relationship I had with my ExH, how it made me feel, the impact it had on my self esteem and what I would want/need in a future relationship. I realised that I was effectively a single parent even before he left.

Surviving and then thriving as a single parent also gave me more confidence in myself (if that makes sense). So by the time I dipped my toe back into OLD I felt that I knew what I was looking for in a relationship and was more able to clearly express my needs in a relationship.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 07/02/2023 11:43

I've just got married again at 52 so you have plenty of time to find the one.

Take time for yourself at the moment, you are hurt and need time to heal

slowquickstep · 07/02/2023 18:43

When i divorced at 38 i was 100% sure i would never have a relationship again, 18 months later i met my new Husband. You are not ready to deal with an other relationship which is why you didn't fancy anyone on tinder. This time next year you will feel differently.

Wallywobbles · 07/02/2023 20:08

There's definitely hope for the future.

I met DH2 at 43 after 6 years single with no dating at all. It took me that long to be in a place to try again. We've been together 9 years (that's surprised me). 4 teens between us.

He's a good'un. He unblocked the pipes to the sceptic tank on date 2 or 4. Definitely a keeper!

PopGoesTheProsecco · 07/02/2023 20:18

After my ExH left for the OW, I met my now DP online a few months later (I was 39).

When my ex found out about it he actually said to a mutual ‘who’d want her - she’s got three children?’ Completely missing the irony 😂

Original poster
Chchchchangess · 07/02/2023 21:39

Thank you ladies this gives me hope.

I’ve spoken to my counsellor this evening and felt a lot better after a day of crying infront of colleagues at work too often. I even almost unblocked him on FB

i must remember that this man is not my friend. He has treated me like a piece of poo on the floor and has humiliated me utterly. The lies and deceit over the last few months is honestly so sickening.

im panicking about finding another man as I’m seeking stability and security. I can however provide those things on my own without a man. It’s 2 weeks in and I have got to just focus on myself and children.

he sees the kids at my house several times a week and is staying over on Friday. It’s not ideal but I can go to my parents and enjoy some time alone and with friends ETc.

thinking of joining the gym.

jusf want to say thank you to alll replying xx

OP posts: