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Relationships

Did I over react and ruin the relationship?

215 replies

Seapearlstar · 23/01/2023 15:49

We’ve been together for 3 years and he has bailed on me a couple of times due to his own insecurities and issues. It was a struggle for me to trust again, but the last 6 months or so have been amazing and it seemed like we were really understanding each other a lot better. I don’t express it, but I am concerned he will leave again. Because it’s been so close and loving I finally fully relaxed inside. The other night I expressed to him how happy I am and secure I feel with him and he said he’s so glad and just wants to show me so much love, and I said he does and I couldn’t ask for more from how things are going. So we live apart at the moment and the conversation ended with me saying “I love you” and he said “I’m glad”. So I said “I’m glad you love me also”, to which he said “I don’t respond for responses sake”

so I said, ok, well let’s sleep honey, rest well. So then he said, “don’t give to get”. I said, well I never do…I express what I feel, so goodnight. So then he said “you love me and I took it. Go to sleep my eyes are gone now”

I literally couldn’t reply, I felt blindsided. This guy said he wants to marry me, and everything’s been amazing between us. I make tons of effort to show my love various ways and am always there for him, so I’m definitely not a taker.

so I went to sleep. The next morning I’d usually text first but left it. I messaged around midday, and said last night felt funny is everything ok?

so he sent me a message at the same time saying “now you’ve decided to not be in contact with me, obviously you’re upset with what I said. The reason I said what I said is I here it all the time, women on there phones saying I love you, and the reason they do it is so they’re told they’re loved back” and it turns my stomach, so I decided to just say I’m glad for once, and see what your response was, but you’ve taken it how you’ll take it”

I said, “It feels a bit like you’re game playing. When I say I love you it means something to me. I didn’t ask you to respond, saying your glad is a response, but why take it further talking about responding fir responses sake”

I was pissed off in my message as I hate game playing and he’s played games before. So I had an angry tone as it was voice message.

so then he responded saying everything’s so good between us, but it’s this, how “one questionable thing he says” and I’m upset. I said actually you say many things and I’m very relaxed ways many wouldn’t be…but this, it felt a bit of a head mess.

it descended into an argument because he then said “it needed to be said”

I started to feel majorly uneasy and insecure and wondering why “it needed to be said” he told me he can’t be with me now because I got angry with him.

so then I said a few nasty things and we haven’t spoken.

I just don’t know how it all happened like that so quickly and wondering if I was totally unreasonable.

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KettrickenSmiled · 23/01/2023 15:53

Fucking hell he's hard work.

What a jerk.
He LOVES blowing hot & cold on you, It makes you insecure & puts all the power in his hands.

Your bedtime exchange was just downright nasty of him. Why are you tolerating such disrespect & cruelty?

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Idontknowhatnametochoose · 23/01/2023 15:55

He's got a lot of issues which he's projecting onto you. He sounds crazily insecure and determined to over analyse and get upset. I couldn't deal with that. I was married to one, never again! I know you love him but people like him always make you feel you can't get it right.

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Watchkeys · 23/01/2023 15:57

A relationship can't be judged on its good times. You have to look at how it deals with conflict.

If this is how the two of you are when things go wrong, you're not compatible. It's not about who did what wrong; it just doesn't work. Walk away. Sometimes life/people/relationships can be shocking. Accept that.

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Dery · 23/01/2023 15:57

Agree with PP. He sounds like a game-playing twat. He completely ruined what could have been a lovely tender moment. Honestly, you’re better off with someone straightforward. If you stay with him, he’ll do your head in. There’ll be no security. Ever.

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ButterBastardBeans · 23/01/2023 15:57

Fuck him off forever. What a wanker.

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Ydkiml · 23/01/2023 15:58

He’s playing games to gain control. But you let yourself down by responding with the nasty response to him . I’d apologise for the nasty things you said to him and see what he says . Next time don’t scoop to his level

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TheShellBeach · 23/01/2023 16:00

I think you've dodged a bullet there OP.

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PuppaDontPreach · 23/01/2023 16:01

It isn't supposed to be this hard.

The whole thing about not saying he loves you sounds like the most horrible game-playing- suggesting you're only saying it to hear it and that's why he's not saying it (in fact it turns his stomach)- he is fucking with your head. People in love say so.

I'd throw this one back.

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aSofaNearYou · 23/01/2023 16:01

I agree with the others he sounds massively hard work and not at all worth the effort.

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Hotelfoxtrot · 23/01/2023 16:01

Run OP. This man will never be what you need.

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peachgreen · 23/01/2023 16:01

He sounds like a dick tbh. Relationships shouldn't be about playing games.

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UnfinishedBusiness · 23/01/2023 16:07

The only thing that needs to be said here is a big fat fuck off, from you time him. He’s a right cock. A decent relationship with a decent human being doesn’t involve this sort of mind game shit, nor does it lead to you worrying for the majority of it about whether it will last or not. If not the first time he bailed, then certainly the second should have been the time you said good riddance. Maybe try that now, there are far nicer men out there.

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KettrickenSmiled · 23/01/2023 16:07

Ydkiml · 23/01/2023 15:58

He’s playing games to gain control. But you let yourself down by responding with the nasty response to him . I’d apologise for the nasty things you said to him and see what he says . Next time don’t scoop to his level

You;re recommending a next time?

JFC 🙄

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Watchkeys · 23/01/2023 16:07

Ydkiml · 23/01/2023 15:58

He’s playing games to gain control. But you let yourself down by responding with the nasty response to him . I’d apologise for the nasty things you said to him and see what he says . Next time don’t scoop to his level

Why apologise to someone who's playing games to gain control of your relationship? He hasn't earned OP's respect and deserves nothing from her.

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GoodChat · 23/01/2023 16:09

I'm not sure that he's actually completely wrong here. He's right in that you were upset because he didn't say he loved you back. What's the point in saying it just because someone's said it to you?

You should say it in those moments where you get that pang of "oh my god" - not just because.

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emptythelitterbox · 23/01/2023 16:12

He's horrible, manipulative and cruel. Don't waste another second of your life on this arse.

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Usergjdksndjsn · 23/01/2023 16:13

Did I over react and ruin the relationship?

We’ve been together for 3 years and he has bailed on me a couple of times due to his own insecurities and issues.

don’t need to read on.
No you didn’t it was already a mess.

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ManchesterGirl2 · 23/01/2023 16:13

Two break ups already, and when you're finally relaxed, he's fucking aroynd with word games about whether he "has to" say he loves you?

He seems lacking in empathy to me. Find someone who's comfortable and consistent in showing their love for you.

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Seapearlstar · 23/01/2023 16:14

If you read the message fully you’ll see I wasn’t upset he didn’t say it back.

I say it because I mean it. He said “I’m glad”, I said “I’m glad you love me too” and goodnight honey

then he pushed it further saying “I don’t respond for responses sake” and continued with you don’t give to get etc etc. I didn’t reply and j went to sleep

If you love someone how would it ever be “responding for responses sake” I didn’t really understand what he was doing, and it just felt like a head game to me.

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GoodChat · 23/01/2023 16:15

Seapearlstar · 23/01/2023 16:14

If you read the message fully you’ll see I wasn’t upset he didn’t say it back.

I say it because I mean it. He said “I’m glad”, I said “I’m glad you love me too” and goodnight honey

then he pushed it further saying “I don’t respond for responses sake” and continued with you don’t give to get etc etc. I didn’t reply and j went to sleep

If you love someone how would it ever be “responding for responses sake” I didn’t really understand what he was doing, and it just felt like a head game to me.

Sorry, I read your "I'm glad you love me also" as a sarcastic response rather than a genuine one. I take back everything I said and I'm with everyone else on this now. He was looking for a fight.

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Jellycatspyjamas · 23/01/2023 16:16

So we live apart at the moment and the conversation ended with me saying “I love you” and he said “I’m glad”. So I said “I’m glad you love me also”, to which he said “I don’t respond for responses sake”

Your response was a bit passive aggressive in my view, he said he was glad and you changed that possibly because you felt it wasn’t enough of a response and wanted/hoped he would say he loves you too. From there the whole thing descended into madness, I don’t even know what “my eyes are gone” means.

If you’re insecure, and he’s playing games and you withhold contact as a result, it doesn’t matter who was right or who over reacted, you aren’t going to work in a relationship together.

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KettrickenSmiled · 23/01/2023 16:17

GoodChat · 23/01/2023 16:09

I'm not sure that he's actually completely wrong here. He's right in that you were upset because he didn't say he loved you back. What's the point in saying it just because someone's said it to you?

You should say it in those moments where you get that pang of "oh my god" - not just because.

Oh for goodness sake.

He regularly finishes the relationship, then comes back to play more mindgames.
OP is on constant tenterhooks waiting for him to finish with her again.
He chose to make a stupid & hurtful issue about the phrase "I love you".
He then chose to prolong the disagreement by sending horrible texts the next morning.

He's nothing but a gameplayer & headfucker.
OP should dump him by phone & never look back.

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GoodChat · 23/01/2023 16:18

Read the updated conversation before you start with your shitty attitude @KettrickenSmiled

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KettrickenSmiled · 23/01/2023 16:19

GoodChat · 23/01/2023 16:18

Read the updated conversation before you start with your shitty attitude @KettrickenSmiled

Explain how OP's update makes any difference to anything I've posted on her thread before you come at me with YOUR shitty attitude @GoodChat

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Idontknowhatnametochoose · 23/01/2023 16:20

You didn't say anything wrong op. You accepted his response for what it was, which is how it should be in a relationship. He is in the wrong by making an issue of it and playing games. He didn't like your honest expression of feeling because he's insecure and incapable of it.

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