We’ve been together for 3 years and he has bailed on me a couple of times due to his own insecurities and issues. It was a struggle for me to trust again, but the last 6 months or so have been amazing and it seemed like we were really understanding each other a lot better. I don’t express it, but I am concerned he will leave again. Because it’s been so close and loving I finally fully relaxed inside. The other night I expressed to him how happy I am and secure I feel with him and he said he’s so glad and just wants to show me so much love, and I said he does and I couldn’t ask for more from how things are going. So we live apart at the moment and the conversation ended with me saying “I love you” and he said “I’m glad”. So I said “I’m glad you love me also”, to which he said “I don’t respond for responses sake”
so I said, ok, well let’s sleep honey, rest well. So then he said, “don’t give to get”. I said, well I never do…I express what I feel, so goodnight. So then he said “you love me and I took it. Go to sleep my eyes are gone now”
I literally couldn’t reply, I felt blindsided. This guy said he wants to marry me, and everything’s been amazing between us. I make tons of effort to show my love various ways and am always there for him, so I’m definitely not a taker.
so I went to sleep. The next morning I’d usually text first but left it. I messaged around midday, and said last night felt funny is everything ok?
so he sent me a message at the same time saying “now you’ve decided to not be in contact with me, obviously you’re upset with what I said. The reason I said what I said is I here it all the time, women on there phones saying I love you, and the reason they do it is so they’re told they’re loved back” and it turns my stomach, so I decided to just say I’m glad for once, and see what your response was, but you’ve taken it how you’ll take it”
I said, “It feels a bit like you’re game playing. When I say I love you it means something to me. I didn’t ask you to respond, saying your glad is a response, but why take it further talking about responding fir responses sake”
I was pissed off in my message as I hate game playing and he’s played games before. So I had an angry tone as it was voice message.
so then he responded saying everything’s so good between us, but it’s this, how “one questionable thing he says” and I’m upset. I said actually you say many things and I’m very relaxed ways many wouldn’t be…but this, it felt a bit of a head mess.
it descended into an argument because he then said “it needed to be said”
I started to feel majorly uneasy and insecure and wondering why “it needed to be said” he told me he can’t be with me now because I got angry with him.
so then I said a few nasty things and we haven’t spoken.
I just don’t know how it all happened like that so quickly and wondering if I was totally unreasonable.
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Relationships
Did I over react and ruin the relationship?
Seapearlstar · 23/01/2023 15:49
Seapearlstar · 25/01/2023 17:48
I agree. This is not how he came across or I would have ran. I’m not up for that. I don’t ask for anything from a man, just wanted respect and love because I felt that for him. I’m not a convenience or servant or doormat or pushover. I thought we were best friends and had so much connection. A lot of what he said he believed about relationships has changed. He never said any of this at the beginning and all I said I wanted, he wanted too. It’s changed beyond recognition.
Seapearlstar · 24/01/2023 07:45
I’m furiously devastated and weak today. Everything was so good, he could have apologised, as I apologised for my harsh words. But clearly he sees me as a lesser being and doesn’t care about messing with my emotions
Seapearlstar · 25/01/2023 18:34
Yes, just loved him a lot and saw a lot in him, and ignored the bad stuff. clearly as someone said toxic dynamic between us, it’s not 100% one persons fault in a relationship, I just am not the right one for him
KettrickenSmiled · 25/01/2023 17:17
unfortunately I now have an insecure attachment with him where when he is being so loving and genuine I feel so secure, but something happens and I’m scared he is going to leave. It comes out of the blue and I have no control over it
Forget all this secure attachment bullshit.
You feel insecure around him because he is a master of manipulation, a gaslighter & a cruel bully.
You are making the very basic error of handing over all power for you feeling secure to him. When the fact is that you will NEVER feel secure until you have found a way to provide security for yourself, & can depend upon your own emotional resources.
You DO have control over it.
You walk away.
Then you are no longer subject to his verbal abuse & emotional terrorism, & you never have to scare yourself again that your abuser might leave you.
The sooner you block comms with him, the sooner he is out of your head, & you can start to heal - & realise that the best gift he could ever give you would have been leaving you.
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