Did I over react and ruin the relationship?

[Seapearlstar]

We’ve been together for 3 years and he has bailed on me a couple of times due to his own insecurities and issues. It was a struggle for me to trust again, but the last 6 months or so have been amazing and it seemed like we were really understanding each other a lot better. I don’t express it, but I am concerned he will leave again. Because it’s been so close and loving I finally fully relaxed inside. The other night I expressed to him how happy I am and secure I feel with him and he said he’s so glad and just wants to show me so much love, and I said he does and I couldn’t ask for more from how things are going. So we live apart at the moment and the conversation ended with me saying “I love you” and he said “I’m glad”. So I said “I’m glad you love me also”, to which he said “I don’t respond for responses sake”

so I said, ok, well let’s sleep honey, rest well. So then he said, “don’t give to get”. I said, well I never do…I express what I feel, so goodnight. So then he said “you love me and I took it. Go to sleep my eyes are gone now”

I literally couldn’t reply, I felt blindsided. This guy said he wants to marry me, and everything’s been amazing between us. I make tons of effort to show my love various ways and am always there for him, so I’m definitely not a taker.

so I went to sleep. The next morning I’d usually text first but left it. I messaged around midday, and said last night felt funny is everything ok?

so he sent me a message at the same time saying “now you’ve decided to not be in contact with me, obviously you’re upset with what I said. The reason I said what I said is I here it all the time, women on there phones saying I love you, and the reason they do it is so they’re told they’re loved back” and it turns my stomach, so I decided to just say I’m glad for once, and see what your response was, but you’ve taken it how you’ll take it”

I said, “It feels a bit like you’re game playing. When I say I love you it means something to me. I didn’t ask you to respond, saying your glad is a response, but why take it further talking about responding fir responses sake”

I was pissed off in my message as I hate game playing and he’s played games before. So I had an angry tone as it was voice message.

so then he responded saying everything’s so good between us, but it’s this, how “one questionable thing he says” and I’m upset. I said actually you say many things and I’m very relaxed ways many wouldn’t be…but this, it felt a bit of a head mess.

it descended into an argument because he then said “it needed to be said”

I started to feel majorly uneasy and insecure and wondering why “it needed to be said” he told me he can’t be with me now because I got angry with him.

so then I said a few nasty things and we haven’t spoken.

I just don’t know how it all happened like that so quickly and wondering if I was totally unreasonable.

That is what seems to happen. It always escalates

He sounds like a complete arse and I feel like you need to realise he isn't going to change. He's playing games and the more you let him get away with it the more he will do it.
He made an argument out nothing and then turned it on to you.
Move on and don't go back.

Nope. He’s the one turning your genuine term of endearment into an insult and creating the argument out of it.

And I hate to say this but I’m wondering if it is and intentional/a game on his part for him to boost his ego and be the one in control of your feelings, to see how hurt you’ll be when he doesn’t reciprocate. To be all nicey-nicey with you until you say those three little words then he turns and twists it to watch you squirm.

Once he’s decided he’s punished/you’ve suffered enough or seem to have decided you're not standing for his shit anymore, he’ll turn on the charm again.

At best, I’d say he’s immature and insecure. At worst, I’d say he’s selfish and manipulative with narcissistic tendencies. Sadly, I’m leaning towards “at worst”.

I honestly think you’ll be better off without him. Love, romance and relationships, even friendships, shouldn’t be like this.

Relationships are always going to have ups and downs. The fact he says he can’t be with you as you got angry with him says it all. No matter what happened or whose fault it was, arguments will happen and being able to resolve those and make up is all part and parcel of being in a relationship. Trust me my ex was like this, every argument turned into a full scale war, him not speaking to me for weeks on end then suddenly just starts talking to me again like nothing had happened. We couldn’t sit down and discuss what happened, apologise and move on. That’s not the ingredients for a health relationship. He’s done you a favour here, don’t go back to him, he clearly can’t cope with you challenging him in any way

It’s all very pubescent.

If I had to bet on it I'd say that he will pull the rug from under your feet over and over again. It clearly gives him a sense of superiority. I would not choose a man like that for a relationship. If you were given the option to have him not be like that, would you take it? If so perhaps you might think long and hard about if he is right for you.

Yes people want an 'I love you too' back when they've said it. They want to know their partner feels the same. Nothing wrong with that.

Him not caring about your feelings and not saying he loves you is him showing he's not actually commited @Seapearlstar . He won't marry you and if he did it'd be awful anyway.

Please completely separate from him and block him. He will just carry on hurting you.

Yes people want an 'I love you too' back when they've said it. They want to know their partner feels the same. Nothing wrong with that

Yes, there's plenty wrong with it. Love isn't transactional. 'I love you' isn't something that when you hear it, you feel expected to say something. I love you is an expression of feeling, and nothing else. It's not an obligation or a requirement. If someone says it with the expectation of it being reciprocated, they're saying it for unhealthy reasons. If someone is disappointed not to hear it in response, then they have to deal with that, not put the responsibility for their feelings on the person they've said it to. Love isn't putting responsibility for your feelings on the object of your love.

This

He sounds like very hard work. Looking forward I wouldn't expect it to get better. I personally would move on - who needs this kind of emotional exhaustion and mind games?

On and off for 3 years, sheesh just walk away already. What a waste of 3 years of your life

If you say I love you, then after three years you would kind of expect a positive response back! Saying I love you, I love you back is a sweet moment most couples engage in once they are in love and so it's quite deliberate if someone chooses not to do that. I love my husband all the time, he does me, so why would he withhold that response and then go into detail about why it's being withheld unless he's being a dick. It's not about expecting it in return, it's about patterns of speech that build bonds and cement feelings, and on this occasion, he chose not to do that.

It doesn't sound like you're suited.

He sounds too much hard work.

Op, he said he was testing to see what happens when he said 'I'm glad' - he would have found fault with any response - he's setting you up to fail.

he likes you being unsure and insecure in the relationship so that all your emotional energy and attention is focused on him and his needs - that's what he was doing by leaving due to his 'issues' those 2 times.

it is not a coincidence thar this came after a conversation about you feeling secure and feeling equal - he doesn't want that, he manufactured this to get a chance to complain about you, mess with your head so you're questioning yourself and put you in a state where you fear you'll lose him and be back in position of control.

he doesn't care at all about responding for response sake, he's not hurt by what you said - he's delighted because you've given him ammunition to torture you with and make you feel bad about yourself with - if you feel bad about yourself you're less likely to feel equal to him or leave him.

honestly ask yourself what response to that message he would've been ok with?
it was meant to unsettle you and get a response he could jump on, when it didn't really with your 'I'm glad you love me also' he kept baiting until he got a response he could justify his planned actions of making you feel like shit around.

there will never be the right combination of words that makes him listen or see your point of view - he doesn't want to

there will be the right combination of words that you will say to help his 'issues' - he doesn't want them solved, they are useful to him to get control in relationships

look up grey rock and anxious & avoidant attachments - get some counselling to explore why you are quick to agree with someone who is trying to make you small

it is great you are questioning all of this - it shows your gut and intuition know it's not right, listen to your gut

He doesn't love you. He is going to chew your brains to mush before he spits you out.

Run a mile.

Agree, do you realise this is a form of emotional abuse?

Hes manipulating and controlling you by creating conflicts and deliberately hurting you/ belittling you and playing the victim.

Dont ignore the signs x

Ugh. I’m so sorry, but this man is not a good man to be in a relationship with. Please consider leaving.
the “things are finally going so well” is just the way people like this get you stuck in again. Then the devaluing, the discard, begins again.

this is simply the start of the devaluing.

he is doing a cycle of behavior to keep you under his control, and apologizing, helpless.

you said NOTHING wrong.

but a truly good relationship allows for discussion. You can’t “ruin it” by being yourself if it’s healthy.

this is just you having been trained to walk on eggshells for fear he will leave.

please please pull the rug out from under his power games and do the leaving, and make it stick, because he’ll try to Hoover. He is HORRIBLE.

this will be your entire life if you don’t leave - you’ll wind up being afraid to step one toe out of line.

He sounds very emotionally immature. And not very nice. Dump him.

For the love of god please don't chase this arsehole. It's precisely what he wants. As everyone else has said, he is gameplaying and controlling you. He wants you to be insecure and afraid of upsetting him. Don't play the games, remove yourself by not responding and then see what he does next. Traumatised by your response....good grief.

Just to respond to a few comments here.

Firstly yes he’s said he loved me, we knew each other for years before, and both fell deeply and have expressed it a lot. It’s an established relationship where we express our feelings a lot. He often expresses it first and it’s been really great lately also. That night I told him how secure and happy I feel with him. It took a while for me to get to that place after our last break up, and all that happened, but I gave fully with no grudges or dragging up the past so it was an internal struggle, not outward expressions or mentioning the past to him. I finally felt very settled and at peace.

Firstly there is nothing wrong with
expecting a loving response. love is a vulnerable thing. sometimes in a relationship you need to hear it and should even be able to ask for it. I see no weakness in that. however I was secure, and that's not what was going on here. For those who have said it’s wrong to expect a response. I was expressing my love after sharing how secure I feel. His response that he was glad, was not offensive to me, why would someone be glad if they don’t love you back. I took it as a loving response. I said I’m glad you love me too. He said “I don’t respond for responses sake”, I said goodnight honey. He said “don’t give to get” then he said “you love me I took it” “go to sleep, my eyes are gone” meaning he was tired.

I didn’t reply but as I went to sleep I felt unsettled by his comments. If you love someone you’d never be “responding for responses sake”
But I also felt he was pushing a point I never asked him to expand upon. It just felt weird and nasty.

so the following day I went from questioning to sad, to angry by the evening. He said “It needed to be said” and I thought no it bloody didn’t need to be said it’s damaging our bond. Just all felt bizarre.

when I was sad he said I was attacking and I’m just that way and he thought I’d changed and it can’t work that way. So I got suspicious and angry and felt undermined and messed with.

No he’s not pubescent, he’s actually 20 years older than me, but I am in my late 30s.

I think I I’ve responded to lots of points made.

Your response shows how you're misunderstanding things. It's a whole bunch of detail about how something he said felt weird and nasty to you, and how things led to you feeling suspicious, angry, undermined and messed with.

It doesn't matter what happened. You wouldn't feel any of this stuff in a healthy relationship, so you need to get out. The fact that he seems pubescent despite the fact that he's a grown man is the cherry on the cake.

No, he did assume that was what I was doing. He grew up in an abusive household, and his abusive father always used to accuse his mother of doing it, so it was learned behaviour. He genuinely believed I would cry to order, deliberately to get at him.

Interesting how he chose to go all mindfuck merchant just after you'd said how secure you feel.

@larchforest

He is a negging wanker. Dump him now for your own wellbeing.