Did I over react and ruin the relationship?

[Seapearlstar]

We’ve been together for 3 years and he has bailed on me a couple of times due to his own insecurities and issues. It was a struggle for me to trust again, but the last 6 months or so have been amazing and it seemed like we were really understanding each other a lot better. I don’t express it, but I am concerned he will leave again. Because it’s been so close and loving I finally fully relaxed inside. The other night I expressed to him how happy I am and secure I feel with him and he said he’s so glad and just wants to show me so much love, and I said he does and I couldn’t ask for more from how things are going. So we live apart at the moment and the conversation ended with me saying “I love you” and he said “I’m glad”. So I said “I’m glad you love me also”, to which he said “I don’t respond for responses sake”

so I said, ok, well let’s sleep honey, rest well. So then he said, “don’t give to get”. I said, well I never do…I express what I feel, so goodnight. So then he said “you love me and I took it. Go to sleep my eyes are gone now”

I literally couldn’t reply, I felt blindsided. This guy said he wants to marry me, and everything’s been amazing between us. I make tons of effort to show my love various ways and am always there for him, so I’m definitely not a taker.

so I went to sleep. The next morning I’d usually text first but left it. I messaged around midday, and said last night felt funny is everything ok?

so he sent me a message at the same time saying “now you’ve decided to not be in contact with me, obviously you’re upset with what I said. The reason I said what I said is I here it all the time, women on there phones saying I love you, and the reason they do it is so they’re told they’re loved back” and it turns my stomach, so I decided to just say I’m glad for once, and see what your response was, but you’ve taken it how you’ll take it”

I said, “It feels a bit like you’re game playing. When I say I love you it means something to me. I didn’t ask you to respond, saying your glad is a response, but why take it further talking about responding fir responses sake”

I was pissed off in my message as I hate game playing and he’s played games before. So I had an angry tone as it was voice message.

so then he responded saying everything’s so good between us, but it’s this, how “one questionable thing he says” and I’m upset. I said actually you say many things and I’m very relaxed ways many wouldn’t be…but this, it felt a bit of a head mess.

it descended into an argument because he then said “it needed to be said”

I started to feel majorly uneasy and insecure and wondering why “it needed to be said” he told me he can’t be with me now because I got angry with him.

so then I said a few nasty things and we haven’t spoken.

I just don’t know how it all happened like that so quickly and wondering if I was totally unreasonable.

[OldFan]

@Watchkeys What I mean is people want a partner that they know feels a similar way about them, that's all. Of course they do.

If you say 'I love you' and the other person says 'I'm glad,' then that's not the same and it does say something about how that person feels about you- if they loved someone they wouldn't have a problem saying it. And/or the person refusing to say it is playing with the other's head.

It's not like it's the start of a relationship and one might feel it earlier than the other, which is fair enough. They've been together for several years. Presumably he's even said it before, so his not saying it now implies his feelings have cooled and he's not as committed as he was (after all, he already left or something a couple of times.)

[fruitbrewhaha]

You were angry because he isn’t nice to you.

Please tell him he has as long as he wants to process it. You never wishes to see him again.

You do deserve better, much better.

[Ameadowwalk]

@Servalan

Interesting how he chose to go all mindfuck merchant just after you'd said how secure you feel.

Exactly what I was going to say. It was intended to be destabilising and provoke a reaction.

[Watchkeys]

@OldFan

I didn't tag you because I'm not debating with you. My point was counter to yours, and directed to OP.

[CantGetDecentNickname]

@Ameadowwalk

Exactly what I was going to say. It was intended to be destabilising and provoke a reaction.

I agree with this. There was no need for him to respond at all but he clearly wanted to disrupt things again and will keep on doing this every time you get back with him and start trusting him again.

Please don't bother responding to anything else he sends you - radio silence needed here. You have already told him to fuck off and by the sounds of things it would be best if you left it there and blocked his number. If you can't quite bring yourself to block him, try responding with one word "Whatever" to his next communication. It shows that you are getting tired of all the game playing. He is unlikely to change - this is who he is and he enjoys all the drama he creates. Not much fun living like this.

[Thepossibility]

Seems like he is hurting you for his own entertainment.
Fuck that.

[Seapearlstar]

In tears, haven’t heard anything all day. I apologised for my words to him but explained how much of a head game it was. Yes I do feel like being with someone waiting for the next shoe to drop is becoming shitty and painful, no matter the effort I make to build something good he knows exactly what buttons to press with me and seems to zone right in to create drama. Then I am overly emotional and just try to be bloody understood and it becomes all my fault. It’s just so great for months on end and we are best friends building something at that time, but these aren’t just normal arguments, they feel really orchestrated and designed to crush me.

[Watchkeys]

Why would you stay with someone who seemed to be orchestrating things to crush you, @Seapearlstar ?

You have to look to yourself here. We could all find people who would deliberately wreck us, and pick their behaviour apart, and wonder why they did it, but not everybody does. Many of us have chosen that route in the past, but don't now. Why aren't you one of the people who walks away?

[Maze76]

Nope! You deserve better, cut him off and move on.

[Seapearlstar]

I did walk away from a 12 year relationship with someone who cheated on me and beat me. I was single for almost a decade, went near nobody. I really trusted him. I’m seeing certain behaviours that are really familiar and I clearly am attracted to certain personalities that seem so special and open and charming and caring. Not attracted to abuse in the slightest, or macho men. Just seem to be in a situation with another head messer unfortunately. He’s got a ton of good qualities and arguments are rare, but when they happen it’s always unexpected and like a knife in the gut.

[Watchkeys]

Keep walking away. The quicker you do it, the healthier you are, and the happier your life will ultimately be, despite the fact that it all feels shit at the time.

[Zucker]

This is a mid to late 50's man we're reading about! Get rid of him, he's obviously bored with the lack of drama between you two at the moment, so he's manufactured some.

This is not you, it's all him and his game playing.

[SmileyClare]

No relationship should make you feel like this op.

Im sorry you’re feeling so low.

None of this is your fault, please stop blaming yourself and analysing your own behaviour.
You've done nothing wrong

[Sallycilantro]

Please don't contact him anymore, you are playing right into his hands.

[hennylovespens]

@Seapearlstar

Told him to fuck off and find someone he really cares about. Told him he’s fickle and a game player. Over analysed the “responses for responses sake” comment, and the “it needed to be said” comment

Seems reasonable to me. I mean you weren't wrong.

This smacks of pick up artist guff. Be grateful for the whopping red flags and stay the hell away from him. Don't waste another second on him.

[Johnisafckface]

Good god. He's hard work. No one should work that hard because of a comment. I would imagine it will always be that way. I would dump him immediately.

[hennylovespens]

@Seapearlstar

In tears, haven’t heard anything all day. I apologised for my words to him but explained how much of a head game it was. Yes I do feel like being with someone waiting for the next shoe to drop is becoming shitty and painful, no matter the effort I make to build something good he knows exactly what buttons to press with me and seems to zone right in to create drama. Then I am overly emotional and just try to be bloody understood and it becomes all my fault. It’s just so great for months on end and we are best friends building something at that time, but these aren’t just normal arguments, they feel really orchestrated and designed to crush me.

Please just block him

[ScabbyHorse]

I would say you under reacted actually... he's an energy vampire. He's doing power play, he wants to be dominant. Urgh

[Seapearlstar]

I broke up with him

[NewStartNow]

Ah so you're with 'Mr headfucker' then? Gaslighting, abusive arse hole.
Other than that. What beastlyslumber said nailed it.
Won't get better. Cut your losses.

[Sallycilantro]

@Seapearlstar

I broke up with him

Excellent update. Well done op. I know you don't feel like it now but your future self will thank you for this. Give yourself a few days to wallow if you need them then crack on with your bullshit free life.

[Servalan]

@Seapearlstar

I broke up with him

Well done OP. I know it'll feel horrible right now and may well continue feeling horrible for a while, but you'll look back once the dust has settled and see that you did a good thing for yourself and that you deserve better

[ladyforallseasons]

@Seapearlstar

I broke up with him

It's for the best....
He sounds like a real headfuck.

I'll bet he doesn't believe it.....

[KettrickenSmiled]

Well done OP.

Now please watch out for this -
lonerwolf.com/hoovering/

& keep him blocked on all comms.

[OldFan]

Why would you stay with someone who seemed to be orchestrating things to crush you

@Watchkeys I thought you were saying he hadn't done anything wrong?