Did I over react and ruin the relationship?

[Seapearlstar]

We’ve been together for 3 years and he has bailed on me a couple of times due to his own insecurities and issues. It was a struggle for me to trust again, but the last 6 months or so have been amazing and it seemed like we were really understanding each other a lot better. I don’t express it, but I am concerned he will leave again. Because it’s been so close and loving I finally fully relaxed inside. The other night I expressed to him how happy I am and secure I feel with him and he said he’s so glad and just wants to show me so much love, and I said he does and I couldn’t ask for more from how things are going. So we live apart at the moment and the conversation ended with me saying “I love you” and he said “I’m glad”. So I said “I’m glad you love me also”, to which he said “I don’t respond for responses sake”

so I said, ok, well let’s sleep honey, rest well. So then he said, “don’t give to get”. I said, well I never do…I express what I feel, so goodnight. So then he said “you love me and I took it. Go to sleep my eyes are gone now”

I literally couldn’t reply, I felt blindsided. This guy said he wants to marry me, and everything’s been amazing between us. I make tons of effort to show my love various ways and am always there for him, so I’m definitely not a taker.

so I went to sleep. The next morning I’d usually text first but left it. I messaged around midday, and said last night felt funny is everything ok?

so he sent me a message at the same time saying “now you’ve decided to not be in contact with me, obviously you’re upset with what I said. The reason I said what I said is I here it all the time, women on there phones saying I love you, and the reason they do it is so they’re told they’re loved back” and it turns my stomach, so I decided to just say I’m glad for once, and see what your response was, but you’ve taken it how you’ll take it”

I said, “It feels a bit like you’re game playing. When I say I love you it means something to me. I didn’t ask you to respond, saying your glad is a response, but why take it further talking about responding fir responses sake”

I was pissed off in my message as I hate game playing and he’s played games before. So I had an angry tone as it was voice message.

so then he responded saying everything’s so good between us, but it’s this, how “one questionable thing he says” and I’m upset. I said actually you say many things and I’m very relaxed ways many wouldn’t be…but this, it felt a bit of a head mess.

it descended into an argument because he then said “it needed to be said”

I started to feel majorly uneasy and insecure and wondering why “it needed to be said” he told me he can’t be with me now because I got angry with him.

so then I said a few nasty things and we haven’t spoken.

I just don’t know how it all happened like that so quickly and wondering if I was totally unreasonable.

I think I’ll book a solo spa day today

I haven’t read all the posts, only yours OP. I’m so sorry this has happened. You sound like you’re in a great deal of pain and I feel for you. You’ve done the right thing in breaking up with this man though. You’ve done nothing wrong but I really think it would be best to go no contact now. This sort of drama feeds on itself and will cause you nothing but pain. He’s not the man for you.

Sending solidarity. It’s so hard to break up with someone you’ve known a long time. It’s the right thing though, you don’t need to live your life waiting for the next ‘knife in the gut’.
Be strong when he tries to wheedle his way back in, it’s not all in your head, you are not asking for someone to always be agreeable. You are asking for clarity and truthfulness and he doesn’t have those qualities.
Make a list on the fridge while it’s fresh of why you don’t want to be with him, then you’ll have it to hand when he calls.
Spa sounds great, kindness to yourself is what you need.

OP, just another one who wanted to offer my support. I've been with a man exactly like this - they like to drag you down and play games because seeing you happy and confident makes them feel insecure.

You've absolutely done the right thing, no matter how much it hurts now. You're amazing and you deserve to be with someone who tells you that, and doesn't make nasty jibes to unsettle you. You are worth so much more than how he treated you.

Find your anger and feel your strength. Onwards and upwards. Please do post here if you have a wobble and need support. Hugs.

Stay away from him, he sounds fucking awful.

Well done on breaking up with him.

I 2nd the recommendation for the book, Why Does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. It's quite eye opening.

First up - you handled that last exchange with him magnificently OP - bloody well done you. Everything you said was accurate, & at last your anger is starting to power you through as you exit this mess of a 'relationship'.

However .... brace yourself for a finger-wagging.
You don't need an apology from him - stop seeking one.
Even if he issued one, it would be false, & manipulative. You know exactly how it would go: "I'm sorry you made me hurt your feelings. If you weren't so sensitive you might be able understand how wrong you are. I try so hard to give you the benefit of my towering intellect & amazing insight into your many faults, & all you do is reject me. I am a hero, & you barely deserve me, but here I am, nobly giving you my time."

I knew he was going to come back at you with a long text.
Because it is part of the classic Script that all abusers use.
He is refusing to accept your rejection, acting as if he;s still the boss of you, & he reckons if he keeps on at you hard enough you will cave in & see him again.
Resist this with all your might, it is Hoovering 101 -
lonerwolf.com/hoovering/

Now buy yourself a present -
www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=
You will recognise your Ex's tactics in these pages. You will find compassionate understanding of the plight of abused & gaslit victims, & you will arm yourself against future predatory men by learning how to spot the red flags & behaviour patterns that they all display.

If I can suggest a little more homework - www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208

www.jennisspace.com/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

Apologies for the bossiness, but when you feel ready, setting aside some time to work on your recovery with the kind of resources linked above will help the process & give you valuable expertise. If you put half the energy into it that you had to pour into surviving that awful relationship - it will be the making of you.
You come across as an intelligent, resourceful, & genuinely good woman. Please believe that, & be good to yourself.

He said he didn’t play games and that I need a man who will always be nice with no negatives and that he made a valid point,

He's a tedious little tosser.

I started to feel majorly uneasy and insecure and wondering why “it needed to be said” he told me he can’t be with me now because I got angry with him.
😂😂😂
See the projection OP? I hope so - it's visible from the moon.

YOU are so fatally flawed that you need a man to always be nice. (Illogical, given how much nasty you've borne from him huh?)
HE cannot be with you because you were angry once.

Twat can't even see his own double standard. Cluster-B personality disordered folk never can btw - isn't that an interesting fact?

btw - that feeling majorly uneasy & insecure? Well played. Sound instincts.
At long last, the gaslighty lid is being lifted & your brain & gut are talking the same language.
No more cognitive dissonance for you!
It feels bad because he;s a bad person!
Easy!

Enjoy your spa day, Be good to yourself, You are amazing. You won't feel it yet, but you have way more strength & resilience than you know. Most abused women do - you need guts & a canny mind to survive a sustained campaign of deliberate headfucking.

Op, you are a hero.

Your ex's reaction to you saying that you finally felt safe and secure was to - what? Rattle you, upset you, make sure you DIDN'T feel safe. What kind of cunt does that???

You're well rid of him. You deserve much better!

Well done in seeing him for what he is and being strong enough to end it. Very inspirational.

💫💫💫well done💫💫💫

Well done for expressing how you feel @Seapearlstar .

Please don't let it all die down and go back to normal.

He's a cruel timewaster. It should be over-over. x

OP you sound like such a lovely person. You are self aware, kind and have ability to be vulnerable. With the right person you will be able to have a very healthy, happy relationship and in the meantime at least you can focus on yourself and your life without being emotionally manipulated.

Don't waste time explaining to him or trying to understand him. He might as well have some personality disorder or other issues which cloud his judgment.
Leave it to psychotherapists! With people like him arguments always go in circles and there is no way of explaining or getting through to them. They just leave you drained, disconnected and confused. It's crazy making and very damaging long term.
It's not worth it. You're better off spending energy on taking care of yourself.

I know it's hard but you had a very lucky escape with this one!

Absolutely this.

Your response to him was spot on OP, and anyone with any sense (and decency) would have taken it on board and apologised for being a twat. Unfortunately for him he’s a complete headcase. A grown ass man who can’t handle being wrong. Manchild is what he is.

He would continually wreck your head OP. Well done for seeing this and ending it.

I agree, he definitely has a screw loose.

Well I ended it because of the “ I couldn’t marry you” part. It was cruel. And for me that means it’s already over. Some people are difficult but eventually can acknowledge wrongs and resolve issues. I mean we all have flaws for sure. But the total devaluing of all we’ve discussed and our plans, and treating me with a lack of respect and seriousness, starting arguments, making me insecure, and then crippling me further and devaluing me when he was the one to knock me down. Then basically saying I’m too vocal to marry. He has no insight, and doesn’t seem to have a conscience. He never has and I just forgive him. Obviously it’s over now. Why would I be with someone who wouldn’t be absolutely blessed to marry me. It’s all painful and sickening and thanks to all of your for your support.

I'm very sorry you're feeling so upset but you've done the right thing.

F*CK YES! Cheering for you over here. Your late reply to him was fierce and so spot on. It was full of self respect. I hope it shriveled his little berries. ✨✨

• last reply. Not “late”

When you said "I'm glad you love me too" it felt like you were pushing for a response.

To which he retaliated.
Someone saying "I'm glad" in response to I love you isn't great. Is he normally quite open in how he feels?
You then didn't text him as normal the next day which suggested you were harbouring a grudge. One thing I've learnt personally is that it's far easier (and more likely to have a better outcome) to discuss issues than to communicate there's an issue by being quiet.

We are always loving with each other and the relationship was better than it’s ever been. He’s very expressive with me and it was a bizarre cold exchange. Saying “I’m glad” WAS a loving response to me, and no I wasn’t offended by it remotely. I was offended when he just had to add to that, he may as well have said he doesn’t love me. I ignored that and went to sleep. It all seemed to come out of nowhere

Maybe bother to read the thread.

And stop defending pathetic gameplaying men 🙄

It’s good that you have ended it. He enjoys jerking your string. And he’ll never change.

You said he’s bailed on you a couple of times previously. Why did you let him come back . If someone leaves it’s because they don’t see their future with you , regardless of the reasons. Of course you are going to be waiting for the next time. He’s just head fucking you, he will never be the one for you. If he didn’t walk away now , it would be next month , or next year. Be happy you are free to meet someone who is willing and able to give you a proper commitment without stupid games .

I hope it shriveled his little berries.

😂😂😂