Did I over react and ruin the relationship?

[Seapearlstar]

We’ve been together for 3 years and he has bailed on me a couple of times due to his own insecurities and issues. It was a struggle for me to trust again, but the last 6 months or so have been amazing and it seemed like we were really understanding each other a lot better. I don’t express it, but I am concerned he will leave again. Because it’s been so close and loving I finally fully relaxed inside. The other night I expressed to him how happy I am and secure I feel with him and he said he’s so glad and just wants to show me so much love, and I said he does and I couldn’t ask for more from how things are going. So we live apart at the moment and the conversation ended with me saying “I love you” and he said “I’m glad”. So I said “I’m glad you love me also”, to which he said “I don’t respond for responses sake”

so I said, ok, well let’s sleep honey, rest well. So then he said, “don’t give to get”. I said, well I never do…I express what I feel, so goodnight. So then he said “you love me and I took it. Go to sleep my eyes are gone now”

I literally couldn’t reply, I felt blindsided. This guy said he wants to marry me, and everything’s been amazing between us. I make tons of effort to show my love various ways and am always there for him, so I’m definitely not a taker.

so I went to sleep. The next morning I’d usually text first but left it. I messaged around midday, and said last night felt funny is everything ok?

so he sent me a message at the same time saying “now you’ve decided to not be in contact with me, obviously you’re upset with what I said. The reason I said what I said is I here it all the time, women on there phones saying I love you, and the reason they do it is so they’re told they’re loved back” and it turns my stomach, so I decided to just say I’m glad for once, and see what your response was, but you’ve taken it how you’ll take it”

I said, “It feels a bit like you’re game playing. When I say I love you it means something to me. I didn’t ask you to respond, saying your glad is a response, but why take it further talking about responding fir responses sake”

I was pissed off in my message as I hate game playing and he’s played games before. So I had an angry tone as it was voice message.

so then he responded saying everything’s so good between us, but it’s this, how “one questionable thing he says” and I’m upset. I said actually you say many things and I’m very relaxed ways many wouldn’t be…but this, it felt a bit of a head mess.

it descended into an argument because he then said “it needed to be said”

I started to feel majorly uneasy and insecure and wondering why “it needed to be said” he told me he can’t be with me now because I got angry with him.

so then I said a few nasty things and we haven’t spoken.

I just don’t know how it all happened like that so quickly and wondering if I was totally unreasonable.

Yup.

There is no communication or discussion that gets through to a narc & makes them stop acting narcy.

OP - have you heard of Dr Ramani? Expert on narcissism: wise, compassionate, accessible & full of insight & advice.

While it's too late (because hes sacked, good!) to give you techniques to help now, it might help you with that inevitable feeling of frustration we can feel, having dealt with a narc's circular reasoning, hypocrisy & cruelty for so long. Having a toolkit to spot the patterns & establish effective ways of dealing with or avoiding becoming anybody's Supply again will give you reassurance for the future, & some self-healing, as you understand how powerless you were to deal with man's thinking or behaviours.
Not because of any failings in YOU - but because it's an impossibility with narcs.

You may find some form of closure by educating yourself via Dr Ramani - just beware that 'closure' doesn't exist in the sense feel-good films would have us believe. Our abusers never "see the light", they never talk honestly with us, & they never accept responsibility for their own actions. There is grief in that, because it's normal to want these things - but narcs are incapable, because they just cannot be reasonable like most of the rest of us.
So I hope you gain some comfort from the lovely Dr R -
https://www.youtube.com/user/DoctorRamanDurvasula

He sent me a text:

“My timing to make the very valid point I admit wasn’t great and for that I apologise...but a reasonable clearing the air point it was which I should have made another time.…..One which you misconstrued and subsequently turned into a mountainous excuse to attack my character viciously. I can’t handle that kind of stress”

I made a few angry comments which seems to be the main focus of his thoughts, seems he believes his pushing of a point I didn’t ask him to push, were valid. He just admits that after me saying how happy and secure I am with him, he acknowledges he should have saved it for another day.

I still don’t get it.

Just block him and move on with your life. There is nothing to be gained from dragging this out and analysing the behaviour of an arsehole. So don’t do it.

I have replied, and I have apologised for what I said to him. To be honest I think our brains are wired differently with some things, and I just didn’t get it. I still don’t get the point of what he said.

You never will get it, that's the point.

You're meant to be continually confused.

Arrrrrrgggghhhh

Apologies OP, I am frustrated at your situation, not directly at you.

You are still expecting to be able to communicate with this man as if he were a reasonable person. He is not. Should should NOT have offered him an apology, you are just handing him more ammunition to beat you up with.

You have not yet got your head round the importance of No Contact.
This abusive arsehole should already be blocked.
There is NO VALUE TO YOU in prolonging these godawful comms with him.

Why are you flogging this dead horse?
You owe him nothing.

This is who he is:
www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO

Why are you continuing to abase yourself by staying in contact with him?

Here is a response from a thread about a similarly controlling & mad Ex.

As a definition of a cluster b personality disorder, I found it helpful to see it as a slightly different species. They look like us and can act like us, but they respond to different triggers. I heard a fox described as dog hardware with cat software, and that's what narcissists/psychopaths are like; they're programmed differently to the rest of us; a different human species. Once you learn about their behaviour patterns, you'll see that they're all the same, and very predictable.

I found that disturbing until I realised that we all are. Respect us, we will respect you. Love us, we will have a soft spot for you. Swear at us, we will become defensive and upset. Cluster bs just have different responses. Love them, they will see that you can be used as a tool. Offend them, they will destroy you. If someone more useful loves them, they will walk away without a second glance. Stay on their side, they will eternally see you as a tool, and leave you in the toolshed, picking you up and putting you down whenever suits them.

None of it's complicated, but understanding, conceptually, that that's how he's programmed might help you move forward without him.

I suspect there's a lot of history and context here that means this is going to be nothing but toxic on both sides.

His initial behaviour sounds unpleasant and deliberately provoking and manipulative.

OP you do sound on the more volatile side and seem to express opinions and thoughts and then regret them. This damages relationships. I'm not convinced this is solely a challenge for you because of your current partner. I'm not sure you understand when you are hurting that you hurt others too. I think you become quite overwhelmed by it.

I think this relationship could loop round for years but these unnecessary arguments which get quite vicious are damaging to you both. You are both deliberately engaging in behaviours to hurt each other and both blaming each other for your own 'responses'.

Stop replying. Seriously, stop this. What do you think you’re going to achieve? What’s your optimal desired outcome? Block. Him.

If you're still replying to him, then you're coming across as enjoying the drama on some level.

Good God, he sounds like such a pompous twat.

This is because he is playing you like a dime store banjo OP. Seriously, your gut is screaming at you which is why you get frustrated. You call it being nasty to him but it isn't nastiness, it's sheer frustration because he is fucking you up.

With a tosser like this, I would carry on seeing him but detach and then dump him for someone else even if that someone else doesn't exist. I would do this purely to bring him down a peg or two.

Read up on sociopathic behaviour. You will see him writ large.

I think it might help to provide some context. I’m from a very traditional background. I am by nature quiet and raised to be submissive. I married very young and my first husband was very traditional culturally and had a lot of women on the side and I turned a blind eye. He also beat me for things like not dusting the back of the toilet seat correctly despite the place being immaculate. I didn’t speak back and I tried to be better. I did want to make him happy and I did love him but it hurt every day, there were good times hard as that might be to understand. I’m not a perfect person but not ever been aggressive to anyone and try to see the best in people. In my family I don’t take sides and considered the peacemaker. I’ve never fallen out with family or friends. This relationship came after a much needed decade alone. I trusted him completely, we knew each other. I felt empowered, free, loved by him and secure. Then out of the blue he accused me of fancying his friend who I met once and did not fancy, I barely spoke to this man and gave no impression of interest whatsoever. He said need it with me and used vile language about me and this man on and off for three months apart. We got back together and I don’t know why. He never apologised. Things were going well and then he told me he’d told a few women he likes them during our relationship, and there’s nothing wrong with that as long as he did nothing. He got me to a point of agreeing he did nothing wrong. Sometimes he plays head games and admits it’s to “see how I’ll react” I admit as time has gone by I have become more vocal in my disapproval as I will never ever end up in a situation like my past again, unfortunately I now have an insecure attachment with him where when he is being so loving and genuine I feel so secure, but something happens and I’m scared he is going to leave. It comes out of the blue and I have no control over it as it’s things that are not based in reality. There’s more to explain, but I disagree I am volatile but admit I have an insecure attachment and have become more outspoken with hurtful things said and done and it does make me feel emotionally messed up and like I just want to be understood, yes I have said things to him I regret saying because I don’t want to fight, but I don’t just say mean things I try to be understood and days go by and I feel totally rejected. I never reacted in my past just tried to please. Yes I am different now, but volatile implies violent and angry, and I’m not that, but I do think trying to reason with him can cause me to say angry things after some time. I do believe he presses certain buttons attacking me with things I would never do, or think, saying they are reality, and it makes me feel totally overwhelmed at times. I didn’t just leave him for no good reason over one stupid argument. I just realised he seems to enjoy messing with me and it probably will never stop.

I admit as time has gone by I have become more vocal in my disapproval as I will never ever end up in a situation like my past again,

But you ARE back in a situation like that again.
This man may not beat you like the last one, but his emotional abuse is off the scale.

FFS stop talking to him, block him, & get yourself some therapy.
Start with this -
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

He has told me he wants total submission and he emotionally punishes me and withholds from me if I displease him some way. The thing is that I don’t know what I did the other day, as things were different and had been for months. It’s likely another woman has caught his eye and he’s off having some exchange and pushed at me for an argument. I thought he was genuine and I’m done trying to figure it out now. I’m in the same situation I was in before and it’s not what I want for my life.

Why are you still engaging with him? The overwhelming response here has been to stop. You’re not engaging with that. So I’m not really sure what else to say.

Please just block him on everything. Stop engaging with this man. Nothing good will come from it. The more you reply the more power you give him.

unfortunately I now have an insecure attachment with him where when he is being so loving and genuine I feel so secure, but something happens and I’m scared he is going to leave. It comes out of the blue and I have no control over it

Forget all this secure attachment bullshit.
You feel insecure around him because he is a master of manipulation, a gaslighter & a cruel bully.

You are making the very basic error of handing over all power for you feeling secure to him. When the fact is that you will NEVER feel secure until you have found a way to provide security for yourself, & can depend upon your own emotional resources.

You DO have control over it.
You walk away.
Then you are no longer subject to his verbal abuse & emotional terrorism, & you never have to scare yourself again that your abuser might leave you.

The sooner you block comms with him, the sooner he is out of your head, & you can start to heal - & realise that the best gift he could ever give you would have been leaving you.

As ever, solid AF.

OP, please listen to this. You can double speak yourself into accepting all sorts of nonsense, but please don’t. Please just be done.

well I didn’t respond and at this stage just venting here to keep me engaging with it all. But I want to say thanks for all the advice and care and got a long list of things to focus on. I did build emotional security for myself over that decade, and started my own business and got really happy. Yeah I’m not about to go backwards here. I’ve been doing that enough last 3 years

He wants total submission from you - what year is he living in -1823? Come on.
The thing is, what even is total submission? You would end up saying nothing ever and not doing anything of your own volition because you might get it wrong.
Women have fought for decades, centuries even, not to have to put up with this kind of crap.

I think it's worth remembering that we can all feel secure when we're in the right relationship, and we can all feel insecure in the wrong one.

Your attachment style isn't something you fix, within yourself. Self respect will affect it, and one of the ways to demonstrate self respect is to not spend your time with people who make you feel insecure. The fact that you feel insecure in a relationship doesn't indicate that you're faulty, it indicates that the attachment between the two of you is faulty. It's a self feeding positivity loop once you realise this. Walking away from insecure-feeling relationships > less insecurity in your life > more self confidence > walking away from insecure-feeling relationships.

You are currently choosing to be around someone who makes you feel crap. Ask yourself why. Even if it was 100% your fault, every time, why would you do that?

I agree. This is not how he came across or I would have ran. I’m not up for that. I don’t ask for anything from a man, just wanted respect and love because I felt that for him. I’m not a convenience or servant or doormat or pushover. I thought we were best friends and had so much connection. A lot of what he said he believed about relationships has changed. He never said any of this at the beginning and all I said I wanted, he wanted too. It’s changed beyond recognition.

Thank you. It just was so good for months, I thought I wouldn’t be blindsided again. It may have seemed like a small thing compared to other stuff in the past with him, but I found it distasteful and provocative and odd. Unnecessary drama that I could have just ignored and not spoken until he said something about it himself to make it right, and upon reflection I did get emotional and just think we aren’t suited for that reason. I don’t like being played with. In the past I always thought the better I am the more I’ll be loved, I know now that thats bullshit. I still aim to please to the max but not going to at the expense of refusing to see someone doesn’t respect me to begin with.

Is there anybody in the world aiming to please you to the max?

Just wondering why you're doing that for others.