Why are people against adoption?

[Afternoonteaandcake]

My boyfriend and I were talking about a friend who has sadly passed. She wanted a family and felt time was ticking on. I said she could have fostered or adopted and he said it's not the same. My boyfriend already has his own children. He said later that the adoption process can be hard which I agree.

2 guy friends said this to me years ago that women should have their own children so men can carry on the family name and genetics. I never realised how much people were against adoption.

@JustKittenAround
well obviously language is important and has implications for how people understand adoption. If it didn't matter we would still be using all sorts of offensive terms to describe people different from ourselves and telling them not to get upset as it was just common parlance!
imagine being a child holding onto their mothers hand and hearing someone ask the mother if they are their REAL mother for instance .Or if the child is are their OWN child. You can't tell me that is acceptable.
Some of the prejudice spouted on here about is shocking frankly. And l refuse to minimise it in the face of your witty argument.

“Own” in parlance means biological and when it doesn’t should be understood and respected. You have adopted children that are your own , which is solid, it’s WEIRD that in that solid foundation the skill set to understand and have EMPATHY for others viewpoints doesn’t hold weight.

Said while showing an utter lack of empathy for the many people on this thread who have said they find the term “own” children, meaning not adopted, offensive and othering.

By your explanation you mean “own” to relate to birth children, because adopted children need “more psychological input than “own” children will ever need”. So “own” relates to non-complicated birth children while “adopted” carries it own connotations about how that child will be and what they might need. So we’re back to a short hand for “normal” or not.

You may not mean to be offensive, but you are being offensive and your defence of that doesn’t serve you well.

When I took my DD for a hospital appointment the Doctor asked me, in front of her, if I had any of my own children. I said yes I have DD and DS. My DDs little face..

He immediately understood his 'parlance' was offensive but it couldn't be unsaid.

My point? Adults may get tired of the ignorant questions and the lazy parlance but we have the capacity to ignore and move on. Our kids don't.

Oh and embarrassment is a useful emotion. Note I don't say shame. Its part of having a healthy conscience.

You are displaying everything you criticise, all in the same post.

It's like saying 'Only idiots use the word idiot!'

Some of the views expressed on this thread and the words chosen to express them have been appalling. I am an adoptee.

It is worrying if @JustKittenAround is going through the process to adopt, as they seem to lack the basic emotional intelligence to understand why using 'own child' instead of 'birth/biological child' is offensive - and damaging to the emotional health of adopted children.

Isn't that why there's a process in the first place, though? Surely the process will identify worrying things that we can see easily, just from posts on a forum, and eliminate them? I think it's good that everyone 'goes through the process'. It only becomes worrying if they reach the far side and are deemed successful.

It is worrying if @JustKittenAround is going through the process to adopt, as they seem to lack the basic emotional intelligence to understand why using 'own child' instead of 'birth/biological child' is offensive

Its hard to understand what going through the process does to you - it can be all consuming and can make you very sensitive, your whole life is under scrutiny and it can leave you feeling very defensive. It can also make it feel important to differentiate between having a birth child and the number of hoops you need to jump through to have a child through adoption. There can also be a lot of anxiety - what if the child placed with you never feels like your child - the early days of placement can feel like you’re baby sitting, and the process reminds you constantly that and child has already had a parental relationship before you, even if the child is removed at birth.

So, I’m not concerned that @JustKittenAround thinks in terms of “own child” at this stage, because during the process you’re thinking in abstract. The shift, and the understanding, sometimes doesn’t hit until you’re talking about a child that will be your own.

Its more concerning that she can’t hear why other people find it offensive and adjust her language accordingly.

What a clever and nuanced argument.

Multiple people on the thread have said how hurtful, upsetting and damaging the phrase 'own children' is for adopted people and adoptive parents.

Surely that's enough for you to stop using it?

Having been close to someone who adopted, it takes longer, is more complicated and expensive than a lot of people think. That's for a baby. An older child involves the foster care system and there are very few positive stories there. By the time a child has been taken from the parent, they have been through trauma and tend to have emotional problems.

It's such a shame and frankly wrong that the vast majority of people think that adopting = a child with trauma and birthing a child doesn't!
It's just not accurat, it's not binary (one or the other). Many many children experience trauma. Something like 50% of marriage end in divorce that's often a trauma in itself. My own children have experienced more trauma than most children. Divorced parents, witnessed abuse a father the courts say they can not see. Trauma is part of life (unfortunately) .
I think the frank reality is that many people are afraid to adopt. Afraid of what they don't know.
Am I wrong in thinking there is sometimes an option to foster before adopting the same child? So you would know the child before you chose to adopt.

Adopting didn't cost us anything. GP didn't charge for medical. SS paid for a solicitor when BPs thought about contesting.

Babies involve the FC system, as even if there is early placement it is on a Foster to adopt system.

there are very few positive stories there Load of rubbish. There are loads of positive stories of adoption. Just because something isn't 100% flowers and sequins doesn't mean it isn't positive.

Lots of children also have emotional problems or other difficulties. Part of our remit as adoptive parents is to help our children through these things, just as you would a birth child.

You sound somewhat ill informed.

This is from your experience of one adoption? Do you think you're qualified to say how the process differs from what 'a lot of people' think?

@Justmeandme19 Foster to Adopt isn't a 'try before you buy'. It is when a baby is placed directly with potential adopters in order to minimise moves for the baby. They only do it when there is little likelihood the baby will be returned to the BM, but it can still happen.
Obviously also some FC go on to adopt their fosterlings. Our DD's brilliant FCs did that when adopters couldn't be found for a couple of their DC. But again they had fostered for years, it isn't an alternate route to adopting really.

@kedimaria
What is your background ? I ask because you seem to have strong views about the outcomes for children in care as well as adopted children.
are you saying there are few positive outcomes for children in foster care as a whole or just older ones who are adopted?
There seems to be lots of people posting who are going on hearsay with v little experience in these areas. That may not be you of course which is why I ask.

No, there isn't. Sometimes foster parents go on to adopt their foster child after a few years feeling that they have become part of the family and want that legally recognised. There are schemes where babies are placed with potential adopters in a foster placement as it is most likely that the end result will be adoption - but the birth family has as many rights under that foster placement as any other, and the baby may be returned to the birth family rather than become available for adoption.

Once a child needs adoption the last thing they need is another failed placement by going to potential adopters who are not fully committed. Some placements do break down, sadly, but there would be even more if potential parents go into a match to 'see how it goes'.

Re: success stories. DD1, 10 when placed. Bit of a stressful teen - staying out all night rather than violence, and constant attitude towards me and charm to her teachers etc (classic attachment stuff). Now a kind, generous young woman doing teacher training, and we have a great relationship (she is the first to admit she gave me a hard time as a teen!).

DD2, aged 2 when placed - has struggled academically but now we have the right school and EHCP in place is on track to pass 5+GCSEs including English and Maths. Always very close to me emotionally, some very mild teen attitude to me at the moment (mid teens), helps out with the younger ones at her hobby, has a range of friends, comments from teachers generally along the lines of 'a pleasure to have in class'. Every prospect of earning a living, living independently, and having the 'normal' range of experiences and relationships as any other adult.

Versus friend's birth daughter, random genetic deletion at conception, has physical and learning disabilities, a regular schedule of medical/OT/physio appointments, regular trips to A&E, will never live independently. A lovely girl, and very much loved and wanted. But I have it far easier as a parent.

Am I wrong in thinking there is sometimes an option to foster before adopting the same child? So you would know the child before you chose to adopt.

All adoption placements start as foster placements legally, because there’s a process between placement and applying for the adoption order. That doesn’t mean you go into it thinking “if I get to know this child and don’t like them I can give them back”. They are placed with the expectation of permanence and that’s how it will have been explained to the child, disruption of an adoption placement is incredibly hard and harmful for all concerned so it’s not done lightly. Foster to adopt with infants is slightly different but that’s because birth mum may be working towards being able to parent her child. More often than not the baby stays with the adopters, as an adopter it’s expected that once you make a commitment to a child being placed, you stay with that commitment.

Some foster carers will foster a child and then a decision is made that the child will need a permanent placement and the foster carers decide to adopt the child, but I don’t think that’s what you meant.

@mixedrecycling , it’s wonderful that your adopted daughter is doing teacher training; schools need more trauma-informed teachers! Your post gives me a lot of hope as my (adopted) teen is currently accelerating my ageing process - rapidly!

As a single adopter to two non-birth related DDs, I, perhaps perversely, welcome these threads as I think it’s useful for us to have the opportunity to correct false narratives around adoption and to bust myths. As an example, DD1 (15) was the classic easy-to-place baby with no recorded health or additional needs. Fast forward to age 11 and, due to her birth mother’s use of opiates while pregnant, my DD lost her sight. Earlier this year, at the grand old age of 14, she was diagnosed with autism and ADHD. DD has significant emotional and behavioural issues and various professionals over the years have implied that because DD was removed at birth and placed with me as a baby, that her issues have been of my making and due to my lacking as a therapeutic parent. There is still much ignorance about the effects of the toxic trio of domestic violence, drugs and alcohol on unborn babies, not to mention chaotic lifestyles due to insecure and inadequate housing plus poverty and non-engagement with health and other official services. Adoption is not a magic wand that can negate the most primal wound of all that is the severing of a baby from the mother who carried the child for nine months.

I can’t actually remember the OP’s original question, but for me adoption was a pragmatic solution to being a long-time single person who wanted children. I have never felt any need to pass on my genes; there are no Nobel prize winners in my family! Previous posters are correct when they reiterate that adoption is about finding the right family for a child in care, rather than the other way around. But the fact remains that the majority of adults who wish to adopt do so because they are unable to have children by any other means.

Adoption IS extreme parenting, which is why the approval process is so rigorous. My elder DD is testing my mental and physical health to the limits currently and we have had multiple police and social services involvement. This is not how I thought my life would pan out when my ‘easy’ baby was placed with me 15 years ago, but, on balance, I’m so lucky to have had the opportunity to become a parent.

Ironically, DD is part of small group of adopted teens who are now training social workers and other related professionals from all over the country on the reality of life as a modern day adopted person. I think this is fantastic!

@JustKittenAround The point you seem to be unable to take on board is:
^having been told than many adopters and adoptees find the use of the word 'own' to mean 'not them, only birth children', why are you continuing to use it?

Of course most people don't mean to offend, but having been explained why it negates/belittles the adopter/adoptee relationship, why would you continue to use / attempt to justify it?

@JustKittenAround policing people's language is not ridiculous.

Telling people to use certain terms stops the inciting of other people to various forms of hatred.

@JustKittenAround you unwillingness to listen to the comments about the use of language from adoptees and adoptive parents is quite worrying.

If you adopt a child you are going to have to be willing to listen to other points of view, challenge your assumptions (we all have them), vary the way you do things to meet your child's needs, and stand up for your child against ignorant and uninformed people - some of whom will be professionals who believe they know best because they are 'professionals', even though they are not specialists in your child's needs.

You can attack me, and others, as much as you want, but as an adoptive parent of over 10 years, I would recommend taking a look at why you are being so defensive when people have tried to explain why your terminology is harmful. Because if you do adopt then you are going to have to deal with a great deal more.

@EmmatheStageRat it got as far as DD1 going back into care. Our relationship improved from that point! So hang on in, keep putting one foot in front of the other.