Why are people against adoption?

[Afternoonteaandcake]

My boyfriend and I were talking about a friend who has sadly passed. She wanted a family and felt time was ticking on. I said she could have fostered or adopted and he said it's not the same. My boyfriend already has his own children. He said later that the adoption process can be hard which I agree.

2 guy friends said this to me years ago that women should have their own children so men can carry on the family name and genetics. I never realised how much people were against adoption.

Weird argument about carrying on the name, when you adopt and give a baby their adopted name it replaces the birth certificate in all circumstances. Maybe your friends meant their genes? Children can also be given their step parents name or be the result of an affair but as the woman is married can be registered as the husbands child.

Adoption just isn't for everybody, and thats fine. It may not that they are against it as such, it may just not be something they feel they are able to do.
There is a lot of agency involvement with clearing people for adoption. Some people feel like it's an intrusion they don't want in their lives.

What I'm saying is that my family definitely wouldn't be able to offer emotional support either. They wouldn't get that an adopted dc would have higher needs. I understand that SW do ask about your own family, and support that you have so if I was being honest it would be likely to rule me out.

2 people I met years ago said that mice live on the moon. Why do so many people think that? My boyfriend says it's hard to be a mouse.

Sound nonsensical, OP?

I don’t think people are against it but it’s not always easy. The process is long and invasive. It’s rare to get babies these days and so you have children waiting for adoption who have already been through so much that they can have many additional support needs and not everyone is able to provide that.

I think it’s very much possible to love an adopted child just as much as a child that is biologically yours but in most cases having your own child the old fashioned way is more straightforward.

There are people who put a great deal of stock on a genetic legacy or the family name but the truth is that not much remains of your genetics after just a few generations, family names change and eventually nobody remembers you at all, your just an old photo that probably ends up in landfill so I think it’s a bit silly to put much stock in that, most peoples genetics aren’t that special anyway!

My understanding is that SS will seek to place a child with a family member if there is one willing and suitable. A friend of mine and her husband adopted a younger relative, who was a toddler when her parents died. Friend absolutely went through all the checks and explained how other family would support her etc before a final adoption (?) was done.

As others have said, given the availability of contraception and abortion, and better healthcare for parents, there are fewer children born in the circumstances that would have historically led to adoption, which is a good thing.

I've hear people say their against forced adoption! That it should be illegal in Britain. Which I'm not sure I understand why?

Adoption is hard. And I speak as someone whose placement broke down. Three years on I'm still not over it, and may never be.

I had an incredible urge to have my own biological child. It's a force of nature. I would never have adopted instead of having my own child (although I would consider adopting a second child now that I have my own).

It wouldn't have lessened my biological urge and I doubt that I could be a sufficient mother to a traumatised adopted child with severe behavioural and developmental problems (in my country those are the only children you can adopt). I didn't think that I could handle that as a first time parent and now that I have a child I still think that I wasn't capable enough back then. Adjusting to motherhood is dificult enough before I add on the extra problems that adoptive children (in my country) have.

It might be different in the UK if you can adopt relatively normal children there.

I also find it offensive that so many think that adopted children are consolation prizes for those who suffer with infertility. Adopted children should be wanted for themselves.

They're different things. Adoption seems to me more of a commitment, the likelihood is the child will need extra support and provide extra challenges, eg you might have to give up work, use therapy and special schools etc. It's not less but it's different.

The number of children in care is something like 80k, the number adopted annually something like 3k, the number of abortions is over 200k. Over 60% of the children in care are aged 10 or over.

My friend is currently adopting. Its a bittersweet feeling... for them to become parents a child (and birth parents) had to be in a bad position first.

I think the majority of foster parents are heroes.

Not against adoption at all as a principle, however (obviously) almost no one willingly gives up a child, and the bar for children to be taken away from parents is incredibly high. Almost all children in the system have experienced significant trauma as a result, and that's before the significant trauma that comes from simply being adopted.

Babies born dependent on drugs with lifelong difficulties as a result. Young children that have seen and witnessed some truly horrific things. Children act out what they see, if they have parents that have had them watching really brutal action movies or porn at 5yo, they're not safe around other children. Their 'normal' behaviour radar is so far off and it's a huge struggle to get them back on course, especially as they then enter teenage years. It's not their fault, but I can't blame people for not wanting or feeling capable of take that on either.

Cheers. I’m adopted. Your post makes me feel really great😐

Exactly this. You should choose adoption because that’s the route you want to take.

I also hate people talking about how a biological child is their “own”.

My adopted son is mine as much as my birth child is, if anything I worry about him more.

I totally understand that accepting a non biological child is not for everyone, but don’t make sweeping statements about biological desires as if other people don’t have the capacity to love an adopted child as much as a birth child.

Procreation; carrying on your own genetic material is a biological imperative for every single species on the planet. It's literally why we are here so it's not wrong for people to want biological children.

Those who have a burning desire to raise children and to have a family may consider adoption as an alternative if they are unable to meet this need themselves.

Very few people will choose to adopt over having their own. Largely because the process is so intrusive. I know families (through one friend) who adopted from overseas (a whole other can of worms) and some of them have really struggled - both the adoptive parents and the children - through a) it being immediately obvious they are adopted and b) understanding the circumstances in their birth country that led to them being adopted (China and all girls).

It doesn't mean that they are consolation prizes and they are loved but to pretend it isn't fraught with difficulties (for many of the reasons other posters have highlighted) is naive.

But, like I said, this thread can only serve to upset those who have, and those who have been, adopted.

This is so offensive I’m so many ways.

Someone mentioned “forced adoption”. I think that refers to the awful process (pre-1980s or thereabouts) whereby unmarried young women’s newborn babies were removed from their custody and given to married couples who could not conceive. A disgusting practice which thankfully no longer takes place.

I adopted and honestly it was the most amazing thing that could ever have happened. Yes it was difficult going through the process but there’s no way in heaven or on earth it could be possible for me and my child to love each other any more than we do.

The whole idea of being pregnant, giving birth and looking after a new born fills with me nothing but horror - because, believe it or not, we are all different and want/need different things in our lives. All ways of becoming a parent are equally valid, and if you don’t want to adopt, you don’t have to.

There is literally nothing to be against?

It’s not about how you got here, it’s about how well you love and raise your kids. Even Frank Gallagher got this, in one of his rants at the start of Shameless.

Please stop referring to ‘own’ children, it’s offensive. You mean ‘biological’ children - yes that’s clinical and not as fluffy, but stop and think about what you are actually saying when you say our children aren’t our own.

It’s basically impossible for a child to be in the care system without some degree of trauma, mental health difficulties around attachment, or foetal alcohol syndrome (or similar issues relating to alcohol and drug use during pregnancy).

It’s a very hard road and I take my hat off to adoptive parents who are navigating that day to day.

that women should have their own children so men can carry on the family name and genetics.

i have an issue with any man (or woman) that says the role if women is to procreate to carry in the GENETIC MATERIAL OF THE MAN.
i mean reducing women and having a child to that is 🤮🤮🤮

I don't think people are against adoption as such, and I'm nominated guardian for four of my sisters' dcs, but having your own child is a biological instinctive thing.

Plus the adoption process is hard and many children are so badly damaged before they are put up for adoption that it certainly isn't for the faint-hearted.

And in other ways, having your own children isn't comparable to adopting them.

No need to see it from just the one side. Unless you're fairly closed minded.

Some pretty offensive ideas here. My daughter is my own and not 'damaged'.