Why are people against adoption?

[Afternoonteaandcake]

My boyfriend and I were talking about a friend who has sadly passed. She wanted a family and felt time was ticking on. I said she could have fostered or adopted and he said it's not the same. My boyfriend already has his own children. He said later that the adoption process can be hard which I agree.

2 guy friends said this to me years ago that women should have their own children so men can carry on the family name and genetics. I never realised how much people were against adoption.

This is also true of your birth children though? They aren't immune to mental health conditions, addiction, unknown genetic issues, mixing with bad crowds just because you pushed them out of your birth canal.

Plenty of children are raised in "naice" but completely dysfunctional households and go on to have all sorts of emotional trauma.

@Zola1
Adoption is just not the same as having your own child. It's a lottery, you don't always know how genetics will play out in terms of mental health and addiction etc,

It would be more accurate to say having a child, however you do it, is a lottery. You only need to look at the difficulties experienced by parents whose children have disabilities or additional needs to know that, whether biological or not, having a child is a lottery.

In my case having my kids was much less of a lottery, I knew their needs before they arrived with me and I went into it with my eyes wide open. And their needs have pretty much been in line with the assessments made pre-placement, no lottery here.

@Zola1 the 'not knowing how genetics will play out' is the same for biological children too. Same with LD, trauma, self identity... these are not some sort of exclusive attributes allocated to adopted children.

Biological children are not guaranteed to be shiny, perfect children. Look at all these horrible true crime stories of biological children killing their own parents as an extreme example of my point!

I work with teens (none are adopted) who are unable to attend school due to emotional needs. Even when you know the genetics, there is still an element of 'lottery'.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

They aren’t second best- imo it’s a totally different thing to having your own children. Just because I couldn’t do it doesn’t mean it’s in anyway inferior to the act of raising my own children.

I'm adopted.

My mum quite rightly views me and treats me as 'her own' child. Because that's exactly what I am.

Language matters. Referring to adopted children as not being 'your own' matters.

It's the kind of narrative that can make adopted children feel lesser than / second best.We aren't.

So if you really believe that we aren't second best, which you claim you do, then please stop using the 'your own children' phrasing.

How the hell do you convince them? It's completely subjective! Friends of ours were rejected for this reason, I quote:
"you haven't grieved for your unborn children". I couldn't be dealing with that sort of shithousery.

Its actually not that subjective, there are ways to explore whether someone has really reconciled themselves to not having a biological child, and whether they’ve gone through a grieving process for what they haven’t had. I’d want to see someone having decent therapeutic support, to be able to speak openly about their fertility journey and to be able to articulate why they were now looking at adoption (beyond “I just want a child to love”). I’d want to see they had some understanding of the differences in adoption and were enthusiastic about caring for and parenting any child that might be placed with them. You’d be surprised how many people can’t do that.

And it’s important because having a child placed with you will open up any and every unhealed wound, which ultimately will impact the parenting of that child.

Copying this to you too.

I'm adopted.

My mum quite rightly views me and treats me as 'her own' child. Because that's exactly what I am.

Language matters. Referring to adopted children as not being 'your own' matters.

It's the kind of narrative that can make adopted children feel lesser than / second best.We aren't.

So if you really believe that we aren't second best, which you claim you do, then please stop using the 'your own children' phrasing.

I’m not against adoption but it’s completely different to having your own biological children. It’s an amazing and brave thing to do, and I know I don’t have the emotional capacity to adopt. Saying someone can ‘just’ adopt is pretty offensive given how arduous the process is

This

It’s a completely different thing

I loved my placed child as my own from day one. Totally different for example to how I love nephews etc.

Of course it's 'comparable'.

We have our own children. I've not done anything amazing or brave by adopting my child. I just love and care for her, same as any parent...

It’s a different thing but it’s not a completely different thing. I reckon 90% of my life with and my DC are the same as any other family’s. Then there’s a small proportion where their needs mean I have to do things a bit differently.

What did you mean @Thesonglastslonger ?

I think with abortion being so readily available the days of the 'unmarried mother' giving her baby up are gone and the babies and children that are up for adoption are damaged by drink, drugs and trauma.
This is a major factor imo. Lack of healthy babies available for adoption. People aren’t as keen to adopt older children or children with trauma or disability because it’s a lot of extra work. Yes I know your own baby can be disabled too but most likely it won’t. And taking the small chance of your own baby being disabled is different to knowingly adopting one that definitely is.

Can people really not see how offensive it is to refer to “adopted children” and “own children” or “own biological children” or “natural children”.

Even after being repeatedly told how offensive it is, still it continues.

As long as people continue to view adopted children as not being their parents own children, I’ll ignore their claims that they aren’t against adoption or have no prejudice about adoption.

My children are my own. Legally, morally, relationally no different than if I had birthed them.

I don't think that people are "against" adoption.
I think that people are more and more realistic about the challenges involved.

@Jellycatspyjamas
I know I am.getting more and more annoyed. Having repeatedly made the point it seems to be falling on deaf ears.

I don't think that people are "against" adoption.

When people refer to damaged children, they show prejudice about adoption.

When people refer to their “own” children, they show prejudice against adoption.

When people say “think of the poor birth parents, they show prejudice against adoption.

When people refer to adoption as a lottery, they show prejudice against adoption.

And once more for the hard of thinking, when people refer to their “own” children, they show prejudice against adoption.

My friend adopted 3 siblings - she had the wool pulled over her eyes, as they were told everything would be pink and fluffy, when in actual fact she has 3 incredibly disturbed children... its terrible what some kids have been through and even after 6 years of having them, she has social workers, counseling, therapeutic parenting classes and yet still they are seriously damaged. My heart breaks for these kids but they are a lot of work, physically and mentally... she's even had to wrestle knives out of their hands whilst they are threatening to kill themselves or her, and they are only 9! Some parents should be put in prison for emotionally damaging their kids to this degree...

We are not saying that all adoptions work out fine. They don't but then nor do birth children. You can always find horror stories but that's because those are the ones that get the most attention. Successful adoptions are too busy leading their lives to go bleating on about how happy they are or how great their kids are.
We adopted and I know at least 20 other families who adopted and ALL of them are absolutely fine, love their children dearly and there is no drama.

Many thanks for your enlightening reply 🙂

Our own baby is asleep on me, or is she some imposter and not actually ours?

My sister has 4 adopted children and they are my nieces and nephews. They are my mothers grandchildren and we love them to bits. Even more so given the crap start in life that they had. Adopted children are a gift

Totally agree. Once the child is adopted social services withdraw

And yet...

AUK’s Adoption Barometer shows that nearly two thirds of established adoptive parents have experienced CPV (child to patent violence). It’s good to see this recognised as a form of domestic abuse.