Why are people against adoption?

[Afternoonteaandcake]

My boyfriend and I were talking about a friend who has sadly passed. She wanted a family and felt time was ticking on. I said she could have fostered or adopted and he said it's not the same. My boyfriend already has his own children. He said later that the adoption process can be hard which I agree.

2 guy friends said this to me years ago that women should have their own children so men can carry on the family name and genetics. I never realised how much people were against adoption.

People aren’t ‘against’ adoption but it isn’t comparable to having your own children

What? Not sure where to start but let’s start with your second paragraph- what on earth does it mean?

Does any of examples really show that so many people are anti adoption?

Saying its different, or even challenging, isn't being against it. It literally is a challenging process and is different to having a pregnancy/delivery of a baby.

I don't think people are against adopting but is only natural to want to have your own genetic child. That why the overwhelming majority do that and wouldn't even enter their heads to adopt instead of doing that.

Adoption is an extremely difficult process. Most kids up for adoption have difficult histories and adoptive parents need to be able to deal with that along with the fact that at some point the biological family may become involved again. Whether through choice of child when it's old enough or through what is directed through courts (sending a letter each year etc).

What's extremely frustrating is that people assume that people with fertility issues should surely just adopt. No one ever asks a pregnant woman why they didn't adopt!

Urgh, people aren’t generally against adoption but your guy friends are twats. Why do they assume that the children wouldn’t take their mother’s name.

One reason might be that - as demonstrated multiple times on this thread by people using ‘own children’ to mean birth children - a lot of people think adoption is a lesser/second choice

Adoption is a very different kettle of fish to having birth children.

All and sundry have birth children, and people feel a strong link to rearing a child that has their genetics. Plus you sort of think you know what you will 'get' when you have birth children. You may or may not be right, but the confidence is there.

In adoption it is parenting plus. All the usual stuff of parenting, but complications such as their history before you, their genetics from their birth parents, indirect or direct contact, their own feelings of loss, plus whatever level of trauma they may have been through before. You never know whether something is because they are adopted, or just genetic, or because of their past experiences. It's complicated.

I would only view somone as being 'against adoption' if they said children should stay in care rather than being adopted. Thinking adoption is not for you is just understanding your own emotional drivers and your own limitations.

(15 years adopter).

I’m not anti adoption but I still had biological children rather than adopt. The adoption vetting process is very hard and being taken from their parents regardless of circumstances or age is very traumatising for children.

I'm not against it but prefer to have my own children

Well I agree that the two aren't interchangeable but I certainly don't think adopted children are lesser.

Adoption comes with admin and trauma. It needs to be handled in a completely different way to having your "own" children.

2 guy friends said this to me years ago that women should have their own children so men can carry on the family name and genetics.

Wow - what a pair of sexist pricks they are.

Well, those two men gave their opinion in adoption vs having your own biological children and their reason for it. So if you have extrapolated from that that 'so many' people are 'against adoption', why not also extrapolate that it's for the same reason?

And most people would prefer to have their own biological children. I don't know anyone who adopted who didn't spend years trying (naturally and ivf) for their own biological children first.

I don't know anyone who 'against adoption'.

In fact, this thread feels quite unnecessary because a) common sense will give you the answer and b) it can only serve to upset those were were adopted and those who have adopted.

Because no one is 'against' it.

People are not "against" adoption. But, unlike you, they are not naive about it either. Any child who is in the position to be adopted will have experienced trauma. Many will have been horribly abused or neglected. This kind of early childhood trauma has lifelong impact and usually means the child will have complex emotional needs, far beyond what biological kids who have felt nothing but secure and loved from day one need. Adopted kids often develop attachment disorders and behavioural issues. Not everyone is equipped to deal with that.

Adoption is awesome for those who are ready and fit to take on thr challenge, but it is a much harder parenting journey and absolutely not the same as raising your own.

I’m not against it but I would never ever consider it. I only wanted my own biological children.

These days, there is no list of babies taken from single mothers waiting to be adopted (thank god).

We don't have many orphan babies either as parents tend not to die as much while their children are little (modern medicine).

In fact it's easier to find older children who need adoptive families, who need to be rehomed from an unsuitable home life.

These babies and older children though, because of their problematic starts in life, often come with "baggage": behavioural issues, mental health issues or physical disabilities.

Adoption isn't a walk in the park.

I'm not against adoption, but the only (that I am aware of) adopted children - under the age of 20- I have come across have had major struggles with attachment and other behaviours or issues.

I think with abortion being so readily available the days of the 'unmarried mother' giving her baby up are gone and the babies and children that are up for adoption are damaged by drink, drugs and trauma.

I'm not sure whether I've just had an extremely one sided view of the world of adoption, but I would choose to remain childless - as I haven't got the emotional resilience - if I couldn't conceive.

I genuinely hope I haven't offended anyone with this post.

People realise it's a difficult process, with social workers asking extremely intrusive questions, digging into your background, etc etc, and not everyone is up for that.

People aren't against adoption. You must have misinterpreted your very limited reasearch.

My family have never been ppl i could have relied upon for support with childcare or anything really, so that probably would have counted against us in SWs eyes, had we chosen to go down the adoption route.

Adoption and having birth children are two very different things. They are not comparable really.

People are not against adoption it’s just different. Plus the days of lots of babies available has passed. Most children have incredibly challenging backgrounds. Plus even if very young infants their brains are affected by trauma even if they don’t have true memories. I have known a couple of people who have adopted children they are very special people indeed.

None of our family are anywhere near. So although they have been emotional support over the years we had no day to day practical support from family.

Having or wanting a birth child isn't 'against' adoption, anymore than owning a cat is against dog ownership.

It's definitely not for everyone though, and that's fine. There is nothing wrong with knowing that what you want is a genetically related child. If you don't really, really want to adopt then you absolutely shouldn't do it because it can be very challenging, not just at the start and not just while your adopted child is a child.

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend. You haven't said what happened to her, but if she had a life limiting illness she wouldn't have been considered for adoption anyway. The whole process is very much centred on the child and finding the best possible family for the child. As part of that they want healthy parents who are likely to live until the adopted child is an adult.