Why are people against adoption?

[Afternoonteaandcake]

My boyfriend and I were talking about a friend who has sadly passed. She wanted a family and felt time was ticking on. I said she could have fostered or adopted and he said it's not the same. My boyfriend already has his own children. He said later that the adoption process can be hard which I agree.

2 guy friends said this to me years ago that women should have their own children so men can carry on the family name and genetics. I never realised how much people were against adoption.

Oh. Right. As I said, not my first language. To me it sounds like emotionally damaged, like traumatised or something. It doesn't sound negative to me so I didn't see the difference

I agree any adopted child is a vulnerable child, but there are far more babies up
for adoption than there used to be due to early intervention, a chunk of whom have been with a foster carer since birth.

I agree with your overall premise, but it’s important to recognise that we have a much better understanding of pre-birth and neonatal trauma (including early removal) and it’s potential impact. It’s not the case that a baby removed at birth will be unaffected by their experience.

I guess it’s important to consider the individual child, their particular experiences and development and understand the need for prospective adopters to know what their particular child’s needs may be, a baby removed at birth can have the same complexity of need as an older child, an older child may have fewer needs depending on their journey into care and their care experience.

I'm not against adoption but I would never have been allowed to adopt being single and low income.

I also doubt I have the personality required to look after a troubled child.

@flapjackfairy

And perhaps you could just refer to birth children or adopted children if you must or what the hell.you could just refer to them all.as children . Adopted children are not a separate species!

Although it doesn't matter in daily life, it matters on this thread.

This thread really makes me want to hurry up with my own adoption application. I can see why the process is so arduous now. I really hope children aren't placed with families who see them as some sort of interloper or spare part

@DuchessofSandwich
Ok in this context then use birth children or adopted.
Sorry for being stroppy but I feel.passionately about this stuff.
@Coyoacan . Now you are doing it! Labelling all adopted kids as troubled.

As an adoptee and an adopter I disagree. My adoptive parents also have 'their own children' and I was treated no differently

I'm not against adoption, but I don't think I would have chosen to adopt a child. I think that is probably a reflection of my own personal qualities. Quite rightly, adopted children need excellent parents. I'm a perfectly adequate parent to my biological children who do not have a complex background, but I think adopted children probably need more than adequate.

@Coyoacan

being single is not a barrier to adoption. 11% of adopters in 2021 were single.

low income ? if you really want to adopt you can change that - I did

This appears to be a very sensitive and emotive thread . Started by a strangely worded OP - and that poster has not returned to the thread .

@Luredbyapomegranate thank you

I am an adoptive mother. I have never had fertility treatment, we chose to adopt two beautiful children and I would never swap them for the children I naturally conceived but could not birth. They are my very own kids and I'd lay down my life for them. They would be horrified if they read this thread as am I. You may not mean to demean adoptees when you talk of difficult backgrounds, trauma and only wanting to have and raise your 'own' kids but all the while you are implying that adopted kids are damaged goods. They ARE NOT. All kids collect baggage along the way thanks to their parents.

I find it amazing in this day and age that when we are scrutinised for everything we say and the way we say it that adoption is still talked about in the most appalling terms. And for the record, adoptive kids are our own kids and we are their real parents.

This 💯

I have been out all evening so only just got chance to come on here. There have been some good responses which shows that not all people disagree with adoption. Some situations highlight people's experiences too. It just felt like that most people disagreed with adoption from the people I personally knew.

I have to laugh when men think carrying on their bog average genes is important.

The audacity!

Many children up for adoption have attachment issues and special needs. I think you used a wide brush to paint the reality of what people mean.

They must also come from families where every generation has an only child.

If I didn't have a birth child due to the number of nieces, nephews and cousins I have my genes plus mannerisms would still be carried on.

Having attachment issues and special needs, and being described as not being adopters’ own children are two completely separate things.

They are and they aren’t. People often trivialize the full weight and responsibility of adoption, as if kids were puppies. It’s a big fucking deal. It’s a huge undertaking and will result in a lot more psychological work than most will ever put into their own children.

that is if you’re doing it right.

I say own as biological because that’s the parlance. Fact is adoption is a huge undertaking that most people don’t understand

I know, @JustKittenAround. I have two adopted children of my own.

The point I was making in my post is that the language surrounding adoption and adopted children often suggests adoption is a choice that is ‘lesser’.

I have, for example, been asked in the past whether they know much about their ‘real’ mother. To my face. People trivialise it by saying ‘oh, you know what I mean’.

That issue is entirely separate from the challenges more commonly found in adopted children than birth children.

And many adopters - and adopted children - on this thread have said using ‘own’ when you mean ‘biological’ is both wrong, and offensive.

It’s a term that many understand for what is meant. Taking offense to it is EXTRA and indulgent on your part. You can’t understand parlance, which means you can’t understand others ways of viewing and processing.

you don’t get to pass judgement on others as they move through these processes and to shame them is just EXTRA on your part.

“Own” in parlance means biological and when it doesn’t should be understood and respected. You have adopted children that are your own , which is solid, it’s WEIRD that in that solid foundation the skill set to understand and have EMPATHY for others viewpoints doesn’t hold weight.

Please get empathy for others who are on this path. It’s not as easy and your silly word policing doesn’t help. It is a huge endeavor to adopt, it is a wonderful journey. Policing others experiences and words is detrimental.

mother is an action word. You should laugh them off. I am in the process now where I won’t be a biological mother but I’d laugh of real anything. Proof is you’re there

between us and Mumsnet I’m sensitive to this as I’m in the process. I get how others view it. But whatever.

This post is badly worded and I think written to stir up emotions.

We tried to adopt (not UK) and it was hard even going through the initial stages. Then there was a 6 to 12 year wait, by which time we would have aged out. Most agencies prefer to keep children with their bio family where ever possible, so there are not 'hordes' of children waiting to be adopted, where you just swing along and select a child.

Infuriating post