Why are people against adoption?

[Afternoonteaandcake]

My boyfriend and I were talking about a friend who has sadly passed. She wanted a family and felt time was ticking on. I said she could have fostered or adopted and he said it's not the same. My boyfriend already has his own children. He said later that the adoption process can be hard which I agree.

2 guy friends said this to me years ago that women should have their own children so men can carry on the family name and genetics. I never realised how much people were against adoption.

Right, so you agree with me. The ‘people’ op mentions (the ones she can’t understand as they don’t ‘just adopt’ when they can’t have bio children) aren’t against adoption. It’s just a different option that is not right for them.

'@HeavenIsAHalfpipe

I didn't notice the comment about adopters being especially happy if they adopt a young baby as 'opposed to a school age child'
Why would you think a school age child would not be celebrated as much as a baby, are they not as deserving of a home and a family ?
My son was nearly 8 when I adopted him, why would I have been less happy to have him than a baby? I didn't want a baby - I found and chose him.
Another adoption myth - everyone wants a baby. Absolutely not true.

I've known several mothers who's had their child removed (due to a job I had). Unfortunately often the mother doesn't want their child removed but is just so entrenched in the life style they have eg drugs, drink, mental health, learning disability etc etc etc. It's simply just not as clear cut as saying the poor mother. It's a very very complicated and deep intrenched issue. But from what I've seen the mother is given every opportunity and chance. So of course a child and family she celebrate an adoption.

DD was asked by a psychologist (a getting to know you session) a while back what were the best and worst days of her life. She said the worst was losing her birth mother, the best was being adopted by me.

It is possible for both to be true, and to celebrate having each other while also acknowledging the loss of her first mum.

No. It is clear from lots of posters on here that lots of people are against, or at least very negative about, adopting.

The OP gave some examples, including two people who bizarrely think women should have their 'own' children. OP is right to say those two people (as well as being misogynists) are anti-adoption. And then a whole bunch of posters came along to prove how negatively they also view adoption.

Very well put. I think lots of posters on here don't grasp in the way that adoptive parents and adopted people do that positives and negatives can exist side by side.

Adoption is a positive thing. A child being removed from their birth family is not a positive thing (even though it is often the right decision). The experiences that cause the child to be removed are definitely not positive things.

The idea that adoptive parents are all celebrating wildly without a second thought about the loss experienced by both their child and their child's birth family (and sometimes also, by their child's foster family) is so wide of the mark. It is usually the precise opposite - adoptive parents so often dwell on and overthink everything precisely because navigating that balance of positive and negative can be so tricky.

This is so true. I think about my kids’ birth mother pretty much every day and feel angry and sad at the people and systems that let her down over the years.

I was also incredibly happy when I became their mum. Both of those things can be true.

And adopted children carry this duality as well, which is a huge emotional and psychological ask of little people. My DD,
who is 6, loves us fiercely and I think would say she has a happy life. She’s also really angry and sad at what happened with her birth parents and will spend the rest of her life dealing with that.

She can manage that complexity so why can’t grown ups on this thread?

I’m glad you mentioned the foster carers, @TeaKlaxon , as I felt guilty about taking my DD1 from her second set of carers who loved her dearly.

If I’m honest, I’m ambivalent towards DD1’s birth mother as DD is now blind because she was exposed to heroin and methadone in utero. I’m not a saint and I find this really hard to come to terms with, especially as DD, who is now 15, is suffering extreme mental health and emotional and behavioural issues as a direct consequence of the sudden and unexpected loss of her sight at the age of 11.

Conversely, I have had direct ongoing contact with the birth mother of DD2 (my children are non-birth related). Again, BM was a ‘victim’ of awful life circumstances BUT she was party to a shocking incident which resulted in the death of a very young child.

There is no black and white in adoption, just complex layers of nuance.

We had direct contact with DDs' birth mother. She was happy they were loved and looked after, recognised she couldn't give them what they needed, and just wanted to see them sometimes - in practice in the school holidays. Towards the end DD1 was old enough to spend a couple of days with her safely (had lots of ex-school friends and their families nearby, plus had a mobile to call me, so even if birth mum got drunk DD1 could stay safe).

Birth mum spent a night at our place so she could see where her daughters were living.

That's unusual!

It's a double edged sword. DDs were given permission to love me as well as their first mum, and have an on-going relationship with their first mother while remaining safe and cared for. On the other hand, the 'pull' from the chaotic, un-boundaried way of life was very difficult for DD1 to navigate, and contributed to some significantly bad decisions she made as a teen.

I don't know what the outcome would have been if their first mum had not died young - but then the real possibility of her dying young was a factor in the choices I made about their contact.

2 guy friends said this to me years ago that women should have their own children so men can carry on the family name and genetics. I never realised how much people were against adoption.
😂😂😂

So you know a couple of sexist cavemen.
That doesn't mean people are against adoption.

It means you need to choose better friends.