Why are people against adoption?

[Afternoonteaandcake]

My boyfriend and I were talking about a friend who has sadly passed. She wanted a family and felt time was ticking on. I said she could have fostered or adopted and he said it's not the same. My boyfriend already has his own children. He said later that the adoption process can be hard which I agree.

2 guy friends said this to me years ago that women should have their own children so men can carry on the family name and genetics. I never realised how much people were against adoption.

Adopted children are our own children.

That's good to hear. I just couldn't think why else they would have been so judgy of this couple but their religious views have made for some ... unusual decisions they've made about other things.

Most people are uneducated on adoption trauma and how to ensure adoptive children are raised with that in mind.

I have a friend (unable, so far, to have her own children) adopted two sisters, the younger one about three was fine, the older about 11 who had been passed around a lot and remembered it all, was very difficult but has now started to believe this is her 'forever home'. Hope it works out.

2 guy friends said this to me years ago that women should have their own children

My children are my own children, whose else would they be?

It might be different in the UK if you can adopt relatively normal children there.

All children are “normal”, they may have done additional needs, and may have their challenges but they are wholly “normal”.

I think OP this thread shows the level of stigma there still is around adoption. From folk who want their “own” children, to folk who refer to damaged children or children who they don’t consider “normal”, even comparing adoption to having a dog rather than a cat. Even some folk here defending adoption seem utterly unaware of the prejudice revealed in their use of language.

Adoption is a wonderful way of creating a family, the children in need of adoption are as precious as any other. The process aims to ensure people with prejudiced views about adopted children don’t adopt, amongst other things, and is pretty extensive. I’m glad it is because these children need unconditional love and acceptance, not a qualified version of family.

Well said Jellycatspyjamas

Damaged is a very pejorative word.
Impacted might be better.

My DC have definitely been impacted negatively by their history. This didn't show until late teens.

@Jellycatspyjamas
Yes put very eloquently as ever.

It takes years - you could literally be the ideal person/couple and it still takes years. Then, you still need constant monitoring.

@YouJustDoYou
You are not subject to constant monitoring at all !.Check your facts. And not all adoptions take years either so probably best not to comment if you dont understand the topic.

Also, although I know people are happy when they eventually do adopt, especially if it's a very young baby, (as opposed to a school age child for instance,) and joy ensues for everyone in the adoptive family circle, many people forget that on the other side of the coin is a different scenario. A sad and crestfallen mother who has had to give up her child. One of the most difficult things a woman will ever have to do.

My children’s birth mother may well have been sad and crestfallen, she was also extremely neglectful of my children, she exposed them to repeated trauma and they live with the impact of that daily. She had years of support and work to improve her parenting to a good enough level and for many reasons just couldn’t do it.

And my children were school aged when placed, and they were celebrated and rejoiced over in exactly the same way my sisters new born was. They were celebrated over because they were very much wanted, and were finally getting the love, care and security that is every child’s birthright. The love, care and security that their “sad and crestfallen” birth mother couldn’t give them.

Everyone comes to adoption from a place of loss, I don’t know any adoptive parent who isn’t painfully aware that their family has been build in the midst of another’s loss.

Then, you still need constant monitoring

Once the Adoption Order is granted you have the same legal status as any other family, there is no monitoring unless there is further support needed for the child.

I think one of the reasons for the stigma around adoption is the sheer level of misinformation about adoption.

Thankyou TeenDivided, 'impacted' is a much more appropriate term and I will use that in future.

Thinking of the situations that I am basing my opinion, I know probably 15 children that have been adopted. Without exception, all have been impacted by their early childhood experiences and/or stress, alcohol and drugs during pregnancy.

I'm aware that I may also know many children that are adopted, who are absolutely unaffected ... and I don't know their birth history so I can't balance my views

I don't, however, buy into the 'not loving a child that you didn't give birth to the same way'.

@SquashPenguin as somebody about to go through IVF I completely agree with you.

Infertility and IVF is an extremely personal thing and the reason we are going through it is for most people because we want a biological child, which there is nothing wrong with. People suggesting adoption suggests the adoptees are second best, as others have mentioned on here. But also, when you are consumed with infertility and it's SUCH painful process, then somebody comes over like 'why don't you adopt' it's just invalidating and dismissing everything we feel and are going through.

As a side note.. Some of the comments on here relating to adopted children being damaged and 'not your own' are just disgusting.

Constant monitoring?

Where on earth do you get that from?

@HeavenIsAHalfpipe

'The sad and crestfallen mother'

Adopters are very well aware of the birth family, I have great sympathy and empathy for my son's birth mum and dad - up to a point. Like many adoptees my son is one of numerous siblings - in our case one of 5. I have a friend where there are 20 siblings and half siblings in the picture.
I can't imagine what it does to a woman to lose a child to adoption, but with each child my sympathy lessons.
My responsibility is to my son, not a woman who has rejected years of chances and opportunities to get help.

@YouJustDoYou Once I received the adoption order you are not 'monitored'

Is adoption comparable to having birth children?
I think that's a yes and no answer. I'd say 80% of our life has been little different to my friends experience with their birth children
What they don't have to deal with is the shadow of the birth family - the contact, the totally random and unexpected phone call asking if you would consider adopting a newborn sibling, the prospect of having to tell your child that their birth parent is in prison or dead from an overdose.
The circumstances of how he came to be adopted has cast a long shadow over my son's life.
Fortunately he is the most amazing young man and works his way through it. It hasn't stopped him making friends, doing everything a young man his age is doing. He has ambitions which I have no doubt he will achieve, a great future ahead of him - but his journey to that future is different to that of his non adopted friends.

Thank you.

I think this is a very sad perspective.

All my sympathy lies with the children. By the time children reach the point of adoption, their "sad and crestfallen" parents, not just mothers, have usually had more than ample opportunity to redeem themselves. For whatever reason they haven't done so.

Absolutely these children and their adoptive parents should be able to celebrate being a loving and stable family unit. Something these children should've had from birth.

If a baby was that sacred to all parents, they'd never find themselves up for adoption in the first place would they?

To suggest that a school aged child is somehow less valued than a baby is also a tragic and wholly inaccurate notion. Do you find that your own children are losing their appeal as they age? Horrible thing to say.

Thankfully adoption is a self selecting process so people with your views wouldn't choose to do it.

Adoption is just not the same as having your own child. It's a lottery, you don't always know how genetics will play out in terms of mental health and addiction etc, risk of reconnecting with unsafe birth family in teens, attachment issues, trauma, difficulties with identity and sense of self, potential LD or foetal alcohol syndrome.

Again, adopted children are our own children. Please be mindful of your langauge.

But you don't know with birth children either.
People think they do, but there are no guarantees.

@ Zola1
ADOPTED CHILDREN ARE OUR OWN
CHILDREN.
Sorry to shout but how many times do we have to make the point.
And do you have adopted and biological children ? If not how do you know ??

I couldn't have children and I'm not against adoption per se but I am against adoption for me (us).
For many reasons but here are some of them:

1. The chance of being able to adopt a young baby was minimal and it was important to me to have (adopt) a baby, to be there from the beginning.

1. That contact with the birth mother (or parents) is encouraged.

My personal gut feeling is that this is not a good thing but I'm sure the experts and adoptees will say I'm wrong. I think I would always feel "second best" and would just be waiting for rejection. Irrational maybe but I didn't want to put it to the test.

1. We probably wouldn't have been approved even though we were well placed to be good parents.

Our LA has this as one of their criteria for rejection:

Your social worker feels you’re still hoping for a biological child – this could be a tough grey area. Many people who can’t naturally conceive may never get over that feeling, but if your social worker thinks you aren’t ready to embrace having an adopted child, you could have your application rejected.

How the hell do you convince them? It's completely subjective! Friends of ours were rejected for this reason, I quote:
"you haven't grieved for your unborn children". I couldn't be dealing with that sort of shithousery.

Adoption is just not the same as having your own child. It's a lottery, you don't always know how genetics will play out in terms of mental health and addiction etc, risk of reconnecting with unsafe birth family in teens, attachment issues, trauma, difficulties with identity and sense of self, potential LD or foetal alcohol syndrome.

Fucks sake. My child is my own.

Me and my siblings each have a child each; no family history of illness or disability. Bio nephew is always in and out of hospital. Bio niece has autism and adhd (and I suspect FASD). My SIL has very clear attachment difficulties (she isn’t adopted and was never in care). My cousin has learning difficulties. My son will not reconnect with dangerous birth family in his teens.

Any person having a child is entering into a lottery, not just adopters.

1. Adopted children are their parents own children
2. Biological children are also a lottery in terms of mental and physical health.