Why are people against adoption?

[Afternoonteaandcake]

My boyfriend and I were talking about a friend who has sadly passed. She wanted a family and felt time was ticking on. I said she could have fostered or adopted and he said it's not the same. My boyfriend already has his own children. He said later that the adoption process can be hard which I agree.

2 guy friends said this to me years ago that women should have their own children so men can carry on the family name and genetics. I never realised how much people were against adoption.

A lot of people think that adoption is something that other people do. They agree that someone should be doing it, just not them thanks.

I've never had an urge to be pregnant and always said that I'd adopt (I haven't yet, but fully intend to). When I said this to an approaching retirement colleague when I was in my early 20s, she was horrified. IT'S NOT THE SAME! YOU’LL DEFINITELY CHANGE YOUR MIND! It was definitely seen as a last resort or sympathy move, once your "real" children have flown the nest. I thought her being older and having multiple children of her own might've given her a more sympathetic outlook, alas no. I also had a friend declare me "selfish" for not wanting to give birth to my own children... selfish to whom, I asked? To the nonexistent child apparently

For me, parenthood is about the desire to be a parent and raise a child. It seems illogical to me to bring another human into the world if there are already children waiting to become a family.

I think many people would struggle with maintaining birth family contact, the potentially slower introduction of child to extended family, explaining the sudden appearance of a child in the household etc. It's about the faults of the adults.

I raise stepchildren who have an essentially absent mother, so I know it's perfectly possible to love and care deeply for children you didn't give birth to.

No one in their right fucking mind would say to a pregnant woman why didn’t you just adopt? It’s rude,

I'm an adult adoptee and actually lots of people said this to me when I was pregnant. Seems to be an assumption that adult adoptees owe society to adopt themselves.

I've had this too!!!!!

People are not against adoption any more than they are against most life choices. Some people feel it is for them and some people feel it isn't. Neither is wrong but adopting and pregnancy aren't comparable. They are two different things.

How do you work that out? I have never said that to anyone because I’m infertile myself and have adopted. I’ve had twenty years of all these really offensive things trotted out about adoption and I wouldn’t say it to people experiencing infertility because I know these horrible attitudes exist even though I don’t understand why. And I wouldn’t deliberately set out to upset someone.
The fact that you can’t see how offensive it is to know that your kids are being talked about as something that no one really wants is baffling to me.

Eh?

People, rightly, get pissed off when it’s a throw away comment when discussing infertility.

‘Why don’t you just adopt?’ Vom.

You’re missing my point. I’m saying it’s not on to refer to children as damaged.

The number of babies being adopted has dropped because the stigma of illegitimacy has thankfully gone, there is free access to good contraception and legal abortion. We all know that.

The reality is that most children will be older and will have experienced trauma to a significant degree (although the adoption of babies decades ago was hardly without issues down the line)

Two of the best parents I've ever known, a gay couple, adopted an older child (under 10) who stated that they wanted two parents but not another mother. That is what they got, very successfully and his Dad and Daddy worked hard to maintain the degree of contact with the birth mother that their son wanted, even though it was sometimes difficult. My friends were in professions that gave them a lot of insight and skills in dealing with trauma, but also had and showed so much love. They are not second best to anything or anyone and neither is their child.

For any adoptees reading this thread and feeling “less than”:

I’m an adopter and I cannot imagine loving a biological child as much as I love him, or wanting a bio child as much as I wanted him. I love him more because of what we both had to go through to find each other.

adoptees are not second best.

Adoption isn’t something anyone should have to do- it’s the most selfless act that I could never do but nor am I obligated to do.

@abookandabrew

yes!!! If I could love this a million times I would

For a start, you've taken the comments of three people and extrapolated that to say that all people think the same way. Faulty logic there.

In the case of your 2 friends (why are you friends with people like that?) - they showed themselves to be ignorant and with caveman attitudes. They certainly aren't representative of 'people' in general, in my experience.

I don't know anyone who is against adoption. Most people may choose to have children naturally if they can, because that's the biological 'norm'. It doesn't mean they are against adoption. I'm friends with people who have adopted and with people who were adopted. I can honestly say that they are all just regular folk with regular lives. They love their children just as much. The children are well functioning and happy adults now! There is some ignorance around adoption unfortunately.

No adopters or anyone is their adoptive circle would ever forget about 'the other side of the coin' or the 'crestfallen mothers'. All adopters i know have huge amounts of empathy for birth mothers and supoort their children with their life stories.

Also, our child was near school age as are the majority of adopted children and we couldn't be happier. Our child is thriving.

They aren’t second best- imo it’s a totally different thing to having your own children. Just because I couldn’t do it doesn’t mean it’s in anyway inferior to the act of raising my own children.

Nobody is against adoption. They just don’t like it being presented as a dismissive answer to infertility. I mean nobody has ever said to me ‘why didn’t you adopt’ when I announce a pregnancy. So why say it to those who can’t have kids? And it also presents adopted kids/families as a second best option for those who cannot conceive. Which they aren’t.

I’d be fine if my DC adopted, our family has some pretty dodgy DNA.

Of course they are vastly different experiences. When I became pregnant I did not have to endure months of hoop jumping and having my private life examined by social workers. I did not have to consider whether I could support a child who had been removed from their birth family. I did not have to engage with possible contact with birth families and the risks associated. Acting like it’s just the same is ridiculous. Having a baby is nothing like adopting a child.

relatively normal children

WTAF?

Some of them are to some adoptive parents

Absolutely disgusting.

Some of the people I know who are adopted were adopted by people who were/are working in religious positions e.g. vicars. They believed their children made their family.

It's not being against adoption for someone to decide it isn't the right decision for them.

Nothing ridiculous whatsoever.

The approval process and SW involvement is relatively short.

Our life has some differences with how we raise our child but the differences are far from vast.

@Ember90
WelI I am a mother to 3 biological children , 1 long term foster child ( who has lived with us his whole life ) and an adopted child and I can categorically tell you that it absolutely is comparable.
We love all.our kids with the same intensity of love and dont even give a thought to.how they arrived in our family.
So much ignorance with people referring to birth children as being their own children and implying that adopted kids are lesser beings and some sort of second rate consolation prize.!

And the approval process and SW involvement in having a baby is none whatsoever. They are not the same. In fact, they are two very different processes.

We totally second this. The journey and the shared history bind us together and we love each other fiercely. My son said the other day - I don't say it often enough but thank you mummy for choosing us. My heart melted.

I mention adoption to people who are going through fertility treatment simply because it has been such a positive experience for us and we want to share that and let people know that it can be a great option.