Pregnant by (unknown married) partner-handhold

[Desertislanddreamer]

So I met this guy through work, known of him for over 5 years but started seeing him a year ago. We both decided to keep it private due to where we work, but a few friends/family know of us. It was going so well, he was such a lovely guy and I fell for him pretty fast. He was separated from his wife and living with his parents sharing custody of his son until he could find a place of his own, not ideal but they are a lovely family and due to circumstances with his disabled son it helped with the caring aspect and juggling a very demanding job. Just before Christmas I found out I was pregnant. He was shocked but very supportive to begin with, promising everything under the sun and wanting to have the baby and be a family. I decided to have a private scan to find out how far I was and got the shock of my life when two little blobs appeared on the screen…yes twins! it unfortunately all went downhill from there.
I didn’t hear from him that night, or the next day or a week later. When I messaged or tried to call him all I got was, ‘I’m busy’
turns out he is still married to his wife and they are all living with his parents (his family have a pretty huge house). I then get a letter from them both stating that they have decided to stay together as a family and once I give birth he will of course be financially responsible for the children but that will be the extent of his involvement.
Im absolutely devastated, having to see him in work (which he has absolutely ignored me, it’s like I no longer exist)
I don’t know how to move on. I don’t know how to get over this.

I’m okay @SpaceshiptoMars sleeping is all over the place but the nausea is horrendous. I’m feeling more calm since I’ve made my decision. Thank you for asking

@Eyerollcentral It really is rife in our profession, to the extent one of my gay colleagues wears a wedding ring to deter some eager male lawyers but it still doesn’t stop them hitting on her. I always, always said I’d never get into a relationship with one and look at me now 🙈

What are you talking about @Tidd? We don’t work for the same company 🤦🏻‍♀️ Neither of us will be losing our jobs. I know you’re concerned for me, but try and calm down.

Listen I always said the same myself, then I did and guess what…he was a cheat too!!!! Again told me he was single, again I also checked it all out…he was absolutely relentless. There are some really decent guys I know who are solicitors and barristers but for others, I don’t know, maybe it’s because many were high achieving non shaggers in their youth they think they have to make up for it and then they work in such close proximity with generally well presented, intelligent women they are like kids in a sweet shop. Age is no deterrent either! Anyway that’s all an aside, he’ll be sweating far more than you when you see him in Court. As a criminal solicitor you’re obvs a tough cookie and you know what’s right for you.

Reporting you now

That’s awful, but not shocked! Do you still run into him?
Oh absolutely, some of my best male friends are married solicitors that couldn’t be more loyal to their wives, in my experience they get bagged up at uni though! We have two married partners from another firm that are currently having a competition to see who could sleep with the most court staff at the moment, from one extreme to another!
Haha yes he’s went from being a confident, outspoken borderline cocky personality in court to being a quiet mouse who looks at the floor and hides in the agents room every chance he gets.
He’s ashamed of himself, we both know it. Oh yeah I’m back, my wobble lasted a day haha.

Thank god no, the only time I ever saw him afterwards about three years later (somewhat incredibly) he sh*t himself, took an unringing phone out of his pocket and pretending to take a call while I stood staring dead at him from five feet away. I was suited and booted and happily going about my business. No joke when he thought I was no longer looking he RAN out a side door. Cowardice, so attractive as you know yourself, unfortunately. Looking forward to your update post in a couple of years when you are basking in the adoration of a man who deserves you

I love your determination DesertIslandDreamer. Whatever you decide, I am sure that you are going to get through this.

OMG what happened to the post with @Tidd Look perhaps you don’t mean harm, and I agree with you separated means still married, but please try and sound less trolly - as in ‘thiu did this and thou shall pay’ come on. It’s too full on.

This is an eye opener, OP, the profession sounds predatory for women. I can not imagine any of this in my profession where lots of men are my best buddies and we have so many laughs but no desire to strip our clothes off, zilch. I think the latter is a reflection of the mundane tasks one has to grapple with as a suited and booted lawyer. It’s Escapism.

There's no way that she met anybody that he loved and cared about. They would have definitely told on him.. and blasted him to his wife .
They would have bashed him and probably shamed her.

She met his parents @Tidd & they did no such thing.

Unless you are able to explain how assigning individual blame for an accidental pregnancy onto OP is helpful to her, do you think you could take your creative writing exercise in victim blaming elsewhere now?
It's pissing me right off, so I can barely imagine how it's making OP feel.

Also, op intentionally put her job at jeopardy (so did he)..
How so?
I don't think you understand how lawyering works ...

The both of them continuously put their jobs in jeopardy by staying.
Staying? Staying where?
OP has gone NC with him.

Op or him is bound to get caught having an argument or causing a scene, and one or both get fired.
OP has already seen him in a work context. As a successful lawyer she is experienced in arguing her case while managing her emotions. She doesn't need some random with comprehension difficulties patronising her on how to conduct her professional life.

Especially now..
You are bringing nothing to the thread but speculation & ignorance.

He's ignoring her, op is bound to explode because of hormones and anger soon..
😂😂😂
You reckon.
Are you deliberately being a tool, or is it something you can't help, @Tidd ?

I'd say do what is best for you? If you can manage on your own with support then go for it and am sure it will be ok...

You on day release from the Dickhead Detention Centre @Tidd ?

@KettrickenSmiled

do you think you could take your creative writing exercise in victim blaming elsewhere now?
It's pissing me right off, so I can barely imagine how it's making OP feel

Now you listen for a change instead of policing this board to make sure everybody knows they have to be on board and agreeing with the fact that OP is a total victim here. It's not your place to do this and to try to intimidate anybody that tries to gather facts and ask questions on things that do not entirely make sense to them. You intimidate them by calling them names and being generally nasty. This has to stop.

This is not just about how the OP feels. It's also about clarifying some parts of the narrative that seem unlikely.

I also wonder why they kept their affair secret in the office if everything was OK and above board. My life experience tells me that they possibly knew something wasn't quite right. Sorry if this is pissing you off.

It was a red flag that he was not officially divorced. In future, best not to get involved with men who aren't divorced yet, because there's a chance they'll get back with their wives (if they ever really left.)

I also wonder why they kept their affair secret in the office if everything was OK and above board.

They don't work together. There isn't an office. They likely kept it secret for professional reasons. Like a conflict of interest. Opposing teams. Nothing to do with shame and guilt.

Having worked in law offices (not as a lawyer), nobody ever seemed to sleep in their own beds. This was not in the UK. It is absolutely rife in the profession, as is sexual harassment and abuse.

If I were in a relationship with somebody at work, I wouldn't shout about it either. In fact I didn't - and we were married. It's just a matter of trying to keep the personal private.

OP, I wish you all the best. He was the cheater - he was the one with a wife and child. His is the shame. He sounds an utter creep and a coward - hiding behind his profession and his wife.

Thank you @BadNomad, exactly the reason why we kept it quiet. Some mutual friends that are solicitors knew so it wasn’t completely hush hush, and obviously his dad as well.
@dogmandu what part of the narrative is unlikely? What are you accusing me of lying about now?
@OldFan the amount of people that have been separated for years but still aren’t divorced are huge. He told me they were legally separated, the divorce was being finalised. I had no reason to suspect otherwise.

@Desertislanddreamer It's still a risk. Plenty of non-separated people around that the risk isn't worth taking until someone's divorced.

How would I know though? Anyone can say they are single or divorced but still be married? I took him at face value, I had NO reason to believe otherwise. Perhaps he should have been truthful or is that too much to ask of a guy?

Genuinely baffled by the people claiming OP didn’t do due diligence. Everything he told her was backed up by what she saw (at the house, meeting parents etc).

He sounds like a lying serial cheating shit. I pity his wife and his poor child. OP you sound dignified and smart. Your best revenge is a happy life well lived and it sounds you have that in hand. I wish you a happy future.

It's not your place to police the board by instructing PP how to post & persistently insinuating the OP is bullshitting@dogmandu

Challenging pointless moralisers like @Tidd is valid, because that poster's sermons to OP were intimidating & being generally nasty.

This is not just about how the OP feels.
yeah it is. Read her thread title. It asks for a handhold, not a load of unwelcome interrogation & sermonising.

It's also about clarifying some parts of the narrative that seem unlikely.
Trollhunting is banned.
If you reckon OP's telling porkies, report the thread to MNHQ.

Sorry if this is pissing you off.
😂😂😂
No you're not. You're loving it. You're also unaware of how ridiculous your pomposity has made you look, which makes it even funnier.

@Desertislanddreamer

Just to be clear, I am not accusing you of lying.

My life experience, and that is of years working in a large company with responsibilities regarding the welfare of employees, colours my scepticism of some stories (not referencing yours here).

So to be specific, it seems strange that you've been to his house, where his disabled little boy and his mother would presumably be there. However, it is possible that you did. It just seems unlikely to me.

I also find it strange that your BF's father knew about your affaire and presumably condoned it. However that's also possible that he did.

Also, there are many cases where women have been admitted to being careless with birth control methods because they just wanted to hurry things along with their unwilling partners. It's especially true if the woman is keener than the man to get the security of a settled relationship.
I know the man has a role to play here as well, but at the end of the day the woman has the final responsibility in birth prevention.

This is not to say in your case that this is what happened. What I am saying is that this is always a possibility in these situations unless specificly denied. In this particular case it's pretty central to the whole picture. If he was careless, this raises questions of it's own .

@dogmandu Why do you feel it necessary to sink your teeth into @Desertislanddreamer 's ankles? Where, in the definition of 'handhold' does this remotely fit in?

You are coming across as trawling the boards, just looking for someone in despair to give a thorough kicking to. This is not the OW who broke up your family. Aim your anger where it belongs.