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Original poster

Pregnant by (unknown married) partner-handhold

623 replies

Desertislanddreamer · 20/01/2023 18:44

So I met this guy through work, known of him for over 5 years but started seeing him a year ago. We both decided to keep it private due to where we work, but a few friends/family know of us. It was going so well, he was such a lovely guy and I fell for him pretty fast. He was separated from his wife and living with his parents sharing custody of his son until he could find a place of his own, not ideal but they are a lovely family and due to circumstances with his disabled son it helped with the caring aspect and juggling a very demanding job. Just before Christmas I found out I was pregnant. He was shocked but very supportive to begin with, promising everything under the sun and wanting to have the baby and be a family. I decided to have a private scan to find out how far I was and got the shock of my life when two little blobs appeared on the screen…yes twins! it unfortunately all went downhill from there.
I didn’t hear from him that night, or the next day or a week later. When I messaged or tried to call him all I got was, ‘I’m busy’
turns out he is still married to his wife and they are all living with his parents (his family have a pretty huge house). I then get a letter from them both stating that they have decided to stay together as a family and once I give birth he will of course be financially responsible for the children but that will be the extent of his involvement.
Im absolutely devastated, having to see him in work (which he has absolutely ignored me, it’s like I no longer exist)
I don’t know how to move on. I don’t know how to get over this.

OP posts:
dogmandu · 25/01/2023 14:00

SpaceshiptoMars · 25/01/2023 12:57

@dogmandu Why do you feel it necessary to sink your teeth into @Desertislanddreamer 's ankles? Where, in the definition of 'handhold' does this remotely fit in?

You are coming across as trawling the boards, just looking for someone in despair to give a thorough kicking to. This is not the OW who broke up your family. Aim your anger where it belongs.

I'm not sinking teeth, I'm, asking questions as any sensible person would.

I can tell you one thing for sure, you hear a situation from person A which seems pretty clear cut, you then check it out with person B and get another very plausible story, your final evaluation of the situation is very different from your first valuation after only hearing A's s or B's story.

If you're only going to believe A's or B's story without doing any critical thinking or checking up yourself, you're being exceedingly naive and will be sure to jump to wrong (but friendly and kind) conclusions.
Again to be clear I'm not referring to OP in this example.

BunchHarman · 25/01/2023 14:10

Oh go away, @dogmandu. This is becoming very tedious.

YourWinter · 25/01/2023 14:19

You’ve had a hell of a month since finding out you were pregnant! Hopefully the worst of the nausea will be over soon and you can think more clearly.

The man is obviously incredibly cruel but will be clever enough to think he’s a step ahead of you. Don’t let him trick you.

Have you shared the news with your family?

BadNomad · 25/01/2023 14:26

dogmandu · 25/01/2023 14:00

I'm not sinking teeth, I'm, asking questions as any sensible person would.

I can tell you one thing for sure, you hear a situation from person A which seems pretty clear cut, you then check it out with person B and get another very plausible story, your final evaluation of the situation is very different from your first valuation after only hearing A's s or B's story.

If you're only going to believe A's or B's story without doing any critical thinking or checking up yourself, you're being exceedingly naive and will be sure to jump to wrong (but friendly and kind) conclusions.
Again to be clear I'm not referring to OP in this example.

Show quote history

B's story isn't relevant. The answers to your questions aren't relevant. Who did what, where and why isn't relevant. The OP isn't here asking to be judged, or for her story to be judged, for blame to be applied. She's here asking for support as a nearly-40-year-old woman who has found herself pregnant by a man who doesn't want to have anything to do with her. You just want your questions answered so you can pass moral judgement.

Original poster
Desertislanddreamer · 25/01/2023 14:28

Thank you @nettie434 I know I’ll be okay eventually, I just need to be gentle with myself and give it time.

@dogmandu I don’t know what’s strange at being at his house, CLEARLY his wife and child was out or away somewhere at that point. You’re asking ridiculous questions, I just needed a handhold, some support which I have gratefully received from many posters. I don’t need your input anymore thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Desertislanddreamer · 25/01/2023 14:33

YourWinter · 25/01/2023 14:19

You’ve had a hell of a month since finding out you were pregnant! Hopefully the worst of the nausea will be over soon and you can think more clearly.

The man is obviously incredibly cruel but will be clever enough to think he’s a step ahead of you. Don’t let him trick you.

Have you shared the news with your family?

Yes I have told my mum and sister who are incredibly supportive but also taken aback as they met him and didn’t expect any of this!
I’m actually sitting in the agents room right now with him (and a bunch of other solicitors) waiting for the court to reconvene after lunch. He has his ear pods in staring at his laptop as usual. We still haven’t made eye contact since it all hit the fan.

OP posts:
Canthave2manycats · 25/01/2023 14:47

dogmandu · 25/01/2023 14:00

I'm not sinking teeth, I'm, asking questions as any sensible person would.

I can tell you one thing for sure, you hear a situation from person A which seems pretty clear cut, you then check it out with person B and get another very plausible story, your final evaluation of the situation is very different from your first valuation after only hearing A's s or B's story.

If you're only going to believe A's or B's story without doing any critical thinking or checking up yourself, you're being exceedingly naive and will be sure to jump to wrong (but friendly and kind) conclusions.
Again to be clear I'm not referring to OP in this example.

Show quote history

You are coming across as deeply unpleasant, and ignorant to boot! You aren’t going to get B’s story and you don’t need to either! Anything posted here is obviously going to be subjective so I don’t know what you’re bullshitting about!

Between and that Tidd (Mary Whitehouse lives on!), it’s like a parallel universe!

@op - have you decided what to do? Hope you’re ok.

OldFan · 25/01/2023 16:09

How would I know though? Anyone can say they are single or divorced but still be married? I took him at face value, I had NO reason to believe otherwise. Perhaps he should have been truthful or is that too much to ask of a guy?

@Desertislanddreamer He told you he was separated (although maybe he wasn't 0even that at any stage.) Plenty of women would not risk getting involved when told that, as separated people have a tendency for them getting back with their spouse not being common. Also men lying and saying they're separated when they aren't is not unknown.

Yes in an ideal world no man would ever lie, but unfortunately we don't live in that world.

The reason people are saying things like this is so you can be more likely to avoid wrong'uns and liars of various kinds (not just this kind) in future.

You are still not accepting that you did anything that wasn't perfect/clever. I have a friend like that and she sees himself as a pure and entire victim in one way or another over and over and over again and of course she never admits anything that she could've done better. So she never learns and it'll just carry on. Her life has gone to shit in a bad way and it'll stay there.

GiantKitten · 25/01/2023 16:19

The GFs are out in force on this thread, aren’t they? Hmm
OP, please just ignore all of them and concentrate on yourself.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do Flowers

Original poster
Desertislanddreamer · 25/01/2023 16:21

Yeah you can’t argue with stupid. It’s all getting ignored, I don’t rise to bait easily.
Thank you

OP posts:
Mannymoomin · 25/01/2023 16:21

So much speculation on this thread it’s ridiculous, hindsight is a wonderful thing but it’s called hindsight for a reason.

well done to op for being so thick skinned

ShakespearesBlister · 25/01/2023 16:34

I can't believe he hasn't even made eye contact with you. Utterly despicable man. I hope his life is every bit as miserable as it deserves to be. I think you are amazing xx

ohyouknowwhatshername · 25/01/2023 16:50

So sorry you're in this situation OP. Have you decided what you're going to do?

ladyforallseasons · 25/01/2023 16:51

Desertislanddreamer · 25/01/2023 16:21

Yeah you can’t argue with stupid. It’s all getting ignored, I don’t rise to bait easily.
Thank you

Well done. There are so many stupid people on here who want to argue for arguments sake

YourWinter · 25/01/2023 17:31

Desertislanddreamer · 25/01/2023 14:33

Yes I have told my mum and sister who are incredibly supportive but also taken aback as they met him and didn’t expect any of this!
I’m actually sitting in the agents room right now with him (and a bunch of other solicitors) waiting for the court to reconvene after lunch. He has his ear pods in staring at his laptop as usual. We still haven’t made eye contact since it all hit the fan.

Show quote history

((( #desertislanddreamer )))

I’m so glad you can talk to your family. And you’re being stronger than perhaps you expected!

MrsPinkCock · 25/01/2023 17:43

Fellow lawyer here and sadly you’re right about your view on male lawyers. The good ones that I know all married young. The bad ones are misogynistic assholes who sexually harass anyone female.

Have read your whole thread and it’s horrifying. Well done for keeping your head high. He is a prick of epic proportions.

Coolheadedbird · 25/01/2023 17:48

I am not surprised he’s not making eye contact. He’s not ashamed a single but, he just does not see it as his problem. And wants rid of whole episode and babies. That will never change for him.

Mirabai · 25/01/2023 17:51

OP will you follow up for child support if you decide to proceed?

Original poster
Desertislanddreamer · 25/01/2023 18:11

Yes I will @Mirabai but I don’t see that being an issue, a CMS claim is the last thing he will want.

OP posts:
Original poster
Desertislanddreamer · 25/01/2023 18:16

No I think he is ashamed of the way he has acted. I can tell, he is a shell of himself right now. Not that I have any sympathy towards him at all. You never know what will happen in the future. Right now he obviously wants no contact but it’s always a different ball game once they are born.

OP posts:
Original poster
Desertislanddreamer · 25/01/2023 18:22

I have decided to continue the pregnancy. My maternal instinct is strong and I feel love and attachment to them already. Plus I know this will most likely be my last chance to have another child.
I’m not naive and nothing will prepare me for how difficult this journey will be on my own but I am in a very fortunate position financially and I have a huge amount of support.

OP posts:
bagelbagelbagel · 25/01/2023 18:29

Desertislanddreamer · 25/01/2023 18:22

I have decided to continue the pregnancy. My maternal instinct is strong and I feel love and attachment to them already. Plus I know this will most likely be my last chance to have another child.
I’m not naive and nothing will prepare me for how difficult this journey will be on my own but I am in a very fortunate position financially and I have a huge amount of support.

Well done for taking time to make the right decision for yourself. You have so got this, it's v evident on this thread that you are more than capable.

Christmaspyjamas · 25/01/2023 18:30

Oh congratulations xxxxxx

Canthave2manycats · 25/01/2023 18:36

@Desertislanddreamer I kinda hoped you'd come to that decision - I just get the feeling from your posts that you would regret a termination. I'm sure you are very capable of taking on whatever is in your future, and I wish you a happy and healthy pregnancy and two beautiful babies! x

Never mind the grumpy biddies... sure they must live perfect little lives 🙄

ShakespearesBlister · 25/01/2023 18:36

Desertislanddreamer · 25/01/2023 18:22

I have decided to continue the pregnancy. My maternal instinct is strong and I feel love and attachment to them already. Plus I know this will most likely be my last chance to have another child.
I’m not naive and nothing will prepare me for how difficult this journey will be on my own but I am in a very fortunate position financially and I have a huge amount of support.

You are amazingly strong and dignified. This thread needs to go down in classics for being so utterly inspirational. I have a feeling you are going to breeze this with the support you have xx