Why do people stay in unhappy relationships?

[Cluelessat33]

I'm saying this from the perspective of someone who ended their marriage a few years ago, and I'm aware there are other factors such as abuse.

But where there is no control and abuse, why do people stay in relationships that are clearly unhappy and make them unhappy. I was reflecting on this the other day when a friend asked me if I'd consider marrying again.

I thought about it and reflected that very few of my close friends in established relationships, whether married or not, seemed to be happy. And not jyst run of the mill unhappy, but deeply unhappy with their spouse, their married situation, who feel lonely, unloved etc. Why would you stay?

I'm not saying the alternative is perfect. It's hard. finances are hard, single parenting is hard. But surely it has to be better than being lonely in a relationship with someone. I've been there so I understand this.

Fear, better the devil you know, not knowing what is normal or acceptable in partnerships,Italy y to that person, chasing the highs of the honeymoon days, financial ties, hopefulness for the future. Lots !

If I think about it, and was in the deeply unhappy position, I'd lose almost everything I'd worked and sacrificed 25 years for, mainly the house which is almost paid off. I paid the deposit and forewent party years to save it, but that doesn't count now. I couldn't afford to buy again. I'd also lose a huge chunk of my 'pension' which is astoundingly high for my age group (thanks to govt employer). I'd also end up still doing all the DC work & admin, and be unable to work full time.

DH would move in with FIL and live just nicely (then inherit) while I'd join the fastest growing group in poverty - middle aged single women.

There's a choice to be made & often comfort and stability win.

@HostaLuago is it really idealistic to aspire to not being deeply unhappy in your life and life partner? Afterall, in an ideal world, we live for a reasonably long time. It's a long time to be unhappy.

A nice lifestyle
Happy children
Not necessarily believing in that fairytale love
Not planning to find another partner so why disrupt a reasonably easy life
Making tradeoffs for other things

I don't think it is always down to money, self esteem etc.

Money
Upsetting kids
General upheaval
Confidence
Occasionally good days.

It's why some affairs happen. Someone isn't getting attention, is unhappy, being made to feel shit, needs an 'escape' and to feel good about themselves.

My own personal circumstances, as we are all different.
The kids knew, despite me trying to shield and protect them.
I stayed way to long, because I THOUGHT it was the right thing to do for my kids, so they had 2 parents, so they had a better quality of life with 2 incomes etc, regardless of my unhappiness.
I left because I KNEW it was the right thing to do for my kids.
We have struggled, I left with nothing, got into so much debt to give them everything they needed. Am nearing mid 50's now and still have nothing, apart from 2 happy adult children, with amazing lives and futures. Extremely close relationship's with their dad and with me.
I'm single 7 years by choice, I'm the happiest I've ever been, I'm nearly out of debt and am looking forward to the rest of our lives.
My one regret and something I struggle to forgive myself for, is both my kids, as adults, felt for a time, that I blamed them, because I STAYED for them. They see now my faulty thought processes, and both agree that having 2 happy parents apart, and less stuff, was far better, than 2 unhappy parents together and more stuff. They both say they wish I'd left many years before I did, so they wouldn't have had to hear me cry so many times, when I thought they didn't know.
Though my daughter didn't get the pony she always wanted😂 she also knows she wouldn't have even if I'd stayed😂
We all do what we think is for the best, what we think is right for our circumstances. X

My friend can’t split from the “husband” because he’d want half the house so she spends her time sofa surfing at other people’s houses so she doesn’t have to be in his company then pretends they’re a couple. Lunacy

FEAR

As someone who has recently separated from H I’m amazed at how many of my friends say they wish they could do the same but can’t due to finances, or fear of being on their own. I think I can make a happier life even if I am alone, but am fortunate to have a professional job which is well paid and in demand. Otherwise I’d likely have to just stay in my unhappy marriage thinking to myself ‘is that all there is?’
I’ll certainly be worse off financially and will have to give a huge chunk of my pension away which seems unfair when H has always worked full time but just hasn’t prioritised paying into a pension. But I can live with that if it means we will all be happier in the long run

But love on it's own won't make you completely happy, many women think it will, more so than men, but unfortunately for some there are many other factors to take into consideration.

If you believe love conquers all then you are very foolish or very selfish.

Ideal love is for the young, adult love comes with responsibility and care for others apart from oneself.

So hard to answer that, some people stay out of fear of what their partner might do, lack of money or maybe SAHP, not wanting to upset the children.
I'm financially sorted and have a career, pension, house in my name only that I owned before meeting him yet still stayed married for 20 years.
After he finally left I realised that I had actually been happy for maybe 3 of those years max.
I think a lot of it was sunken fallacy, not wanting to retire alone, we had exciting retirement plans, thinking I loved him more than I actually did and all our shared experiences, 20 years is a long time.
And also fantasy I'm afraid, I really did think we were made for each other but sadly I think it was all in my head not fact.
Always thinking things will get better if only we tried harder.
He did ask if he could come back after he's served me with divorce papers and then wanting to stop the divorce but I said no. That was pushing my boundaries way too far and he had really made me feel like crap when he left. There is no coming back from that.
I would always have been thinking when is he going to leave again.

I'm not saying the alternative is perfect. It's hard. finances are hard,
single parenting is hard. But surely it has to be better than being
lonely in a relationship with someone. I've been there so I understand
this.

For many it's an impossibility financially, only on MN is there this idealistic situation of, well I managed with half a divorce setlement and a smaller home.

There are many who are struggling to survive whereby love is a luxury only possible for certain economic classes.

There was a recent section on More or Less about how women's incomes align with the cost of rent... https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m001mlhx
Don't think it was quite as dire as the original statistic suggested but it still showed that women don't have it easy.
I live in a country where renting is the norm, and prices are very reasonable (for the quality of housing especially), but I'm still aware that I'd save a good bit by living with a partner.

I think I may align a bit with what Hosta is saying. But maybe not.

I think many people chase after romanticised love, infatuation and happiness. I believe many people will not obtain the type of love movies and novels sell yet I think too many people make that their focus. People really need to be prepared for when the fire of those initial months and years burns out. I also don't believe consistent happiness is to be expected. I think happiness comes and goes but being content is more achievable for most, yet I think people chase happiness and feel sad and depressed when it isn't ever present. Being content comes down to that hierarchy of needs.

I understand if people are deeply unhappy then they should leave, but when you share a life and a family then there are many facets to your life and some people place more importance on certain things than others. Striving for perfection in all elements is unlikely to happen and will lead to unhappiness. Some people may have it all. Some people will have none. Most will have somewhere in between.

Complete understand that many people will not share my view and it may seem bleak to some.

I’m really curious - if there was no nasty comments or angry arguing (I have both in my relationship) what else were the things that were making you unhappy? I don’t doubt there was but I’m trying to imagine

Stay for the hope that this is a bad patch and things will go back to how they were when we met a number of years back

Some people stay in unhappy relationships because it’s a myth that everyone can find a way out if they really want to.

I can answer that about my own – I’m bored and unfulfilled, we’re not intellectually compatible (I’ve known that since the beginning really but thought/hoped the other stuff would make up for it), it’s dispiriting and depressing and I feel sad that this is it. I feel like I’ve sacrificed a massive important part of myself in a trade off for some other really positive things about the relationship. For various reasons feel very trapped. And inevitably leads to tension and conflict between us (try to keep the areas of dissatisfaction under wraps but is difficult to sustain constantly).

I will also answer for my own marriage. Bored & unfulfilled as per previous poster. He is lazy, does odd things out of character, he has no idea about me or what I like (20 years together) and asked me if I was part time at work the other day. I was up until around 6 years ago when i went FT again. He hasn't got a clue. He's passive aggressive, unthoughtful, drinks too much for my liking, falls asleep in the taxi drunk on way home for meal with me - who gets that blottoed with their wife on a night out. Would live like a pig if it wasn't for me clearing & tidying the house. Has dirty habits (chews own toe nails, touches his bum/,balls and smells finger, leaves lumps of shit on the loo, the is Bleach to use next to the loo but he doesn't bother). Says things like he cannot use the family white bath towels as he hates white towels. Anxiety, depression he won't talk about/address. I do my own thing

Also, he would be pure evil to me if I said I wanted to separate. Neither can afford to leave. Neither has anywhere else to go. We don't have a spare room. I don't want the hate from him. So I smile & nod etc and do my own thing. Me and DC have a lovely house, I've got good friends, we have several holidays a year

Hm, scratching balls and smelling fingers, class. Whiffy…Mine is a mere mortal, completely imperfect but also my soulmate. I can not imagine having a family with anyone else. He’s had the midlife crisis and almost lost all, but so glad we did not separate. I could have easily capitulated but no I knew what I wanted out of life and he woke up from his shitty daze to fight for every single inch of our marriage. We now have a true partnership. If that’s not romantic I don’t know what is. Meeting sleaze ball over Tinder interests me as much as watching someone scratch their arse and have a smell of their fingers. Marriages go through shit but this one’s a keeper. Our kids are super happy and we are enjoying life, marriage and sunshine.

@thereallybigsteelcorporation

please tell me you don’t have to have sex with that filthy fucker.

@Jjjy its now a sexless marriage. Been that way for around 6 years

He's just weird. His response to fathers day was "fathers day - do people actually go out for that then and still buy cards
Who goes out for fathers day. That's unheard of"
We are in UK. He is English and has been for the last 49 years. So it's not like he's from a country/religion that don't recognise fathers day

if there was no nasty comments or angry arguing (I have both in my relationship) what else were the things that were making you unhappy? I don’t doubt there was but I’m trying to imagine
Pre kids he agreed that men should have an equal role in bringing up children. Post kids he "couldn't" take a day off if either was ill, costing me my job at the time. Did unpaid overtime and came home at 9 pm almost every day. If we arranged anything he would come home/get up 2 hours late. Took a job in another city and for 3 years spent the week there, came home at weekends and slept. The kids and I spent our time doing stuff on our own or waiting for him. If I said anything about missing family time, it meant I didn't appreciate his hard work for the family. (Neither of us were big earners, I made almost the same as him.) When we were with his workmates (or parents) he agreed with every word they said even if that meant suddenly having a totally different opinion to usual and making me look stupid or excluding me. Workmate never eats lunch? Him neither, and his wife is being weird expecting to eat. He was a workaholic with little interest in family life, and it just got worse over time.