Why do people stay in unhappy relationships?

[Cluelessat33]

I'm saying this from the perspective of someone who ended their marriage a few years ago, and I'm aware there are other factors such as abuse.

But where there is no control and abuse, why do people stay in relationships that are clearly unhappy and make them unhappy. I was reflecting on this the other day when a friend asked me if I'd consider marrying again.

I thought about it and reflected that very few of my close friends in established relationships, whether married or not, seemed to be happy. And not jyst run of the mill unhappy, but deeply unhappy with their spouse, their married situation, who feel lonely, unloved etc. Why would you stay?

I'm not saying the alternative is perfect. It's hard. finances are hard, single parenting is hard. But surely it has to be better than being lonely in a relationship with someone. I've been there so I understand this.

Change can be very hard.

Inertia. Money. Needing a roof over your head. I have to confess that when my current partner shuffles off this mortal coil I won't be looking for another.

Fear, lack of money.

Kids, house, finances etc.

Agree with that. I have single parent friends and they all struggle financially, some can barely make it to the end of the month. My husband took three days holiday to repair a friends car otherwise she’d have been totally fucked. I was worried about her state of mind and he was happy help out. He covered the cost of the parts too. She cried like a baby when he handed the keys back to her with a clean MOT test. That’s how hard it can be.

I think about this a lot and the fact is dh and I couldn't afford to break up without it significantly impacting the kids and I suppose I'm not unhappy enough to justify doing that.

Because I’ve been with my husband since I was 16 and I’m now 42, I’ve never lived alone and have no idea where I would start. I could not even afford to rent my own place.

Because we had a joint tenancy. He took a month off work and made my life unbearable. I fled to my home town with the kids, worst decision of my life. Ho fucking hum.

I left for my children's sake as my ex was abusive but I've been alone since. Essentially I'm saying I'm sure people fear the financial cost, the impact on the children and starting again. So they just stay.

Money and shared parental responsibility. I don’t want to take my kids out of their nice home and hardly see them because I’m working more hours to make ends meet. And I don’t want primary custody where I end up doing all the laundry, all the school runs, all the bedtimes, and Dad just swans in every other weekend.

Even if your marriage sucks, you need someone to be in the house with the kids so you can go out, someone who will take a turn at cooking and entertaining and putting to bed, someone who takes them to school if you’re sick or pull an early shift at work, etc. You don’t have to like that someone, they just need to share the burden.

Money

i’m one of those women the therapist is talking about !
actual leaving is hard, divorce is scary, but when it’s finalised it’s the most freeing feeling ever !
i now live in a cheaper part of the country in a beautiful setting, bigger house than i had before, no regrets at all.

I also think that people don't always recognise that they are unhappy. This was me with my ex, who was fundamentally a good man, but we were a bad match.

I couldn't see that my general dissatisfaction with life was actually a relationship where my emotional needs were not being met. Not my job, house or friends. With hindsight it is very clear, but some patches of life are hard and monotonous, so it's hard to know when to dig in and when to ship out.

@Cuppa2sugars that's great and I am genuinely pleased for you.
For those of us that already live in the cheapest part of the country the only way of saving money would be social housing on one of those estates they make documentaries about.
My children certainly don't live in a mansion now but we have a home with plenty of space for all of us in a nice area of (a shitty) town.
My children's quality of life would nosedive after a split, their lives would be unrecognisable and me being slightly unhappy just isn't a good enough reason to do that to them.

Genuine question, do your partners/husbands know you're just in the relationship for the sake of maintaining financial security and better quality of your life (for your children)?

Well, economics has been the basis of marriage for far longer in human history than the 'love match' -- in some cultures that's still the case.

Usual answer is fear, obligation and guilt. Though only the latter two apply for me.

I don't know if DW does know I'm staying for those reasons. She must know I'm unhappy , so I guess subconsciously she has an inkling.

Why are you unhappy.

I'm not sure if he knows. It isn't a conversation we have had.
I mean, he knows it isn't all sunshine and roses so he probably has a good idea.
I am under no illusions, he is probably only staying with me for the same reason!

"Why are you unhappy."

I've posted loads on MN over the years! Essentially though we are simply incompatible. No ones fault, just how it is.

I split up because it was better for my DD - the relationship wasn’t physically abusive but the constant low level aggression, negativity & being shouted at would’ve changed my DD’s personality had I stayed. My ex is one of life’s non- copers & I didn’t want that for my child. It was a hard decision & had I not have been financially independent, I would’ve had to stay.

I know so many people staying because of money or the children but children are not daft, they know it’s toxic mostly.

Don't you think a key factor is not knowing how much happiness we can reasonably expect?

I mean the title post mentions that
very few of my close friends in established relationships, whether married or not, seemed to be happy. And not just run of the mill unhappy, but deeply unhappy with their spouse, their married situation, who feel lonely, unloved etc
I think we get used to assuming that's the best anyone ever manages.

I'm on my second marriage now and it's infinitely better than the first. When I mention how happy I am, people always look amazed and say what a change it makes to hear someone say that.

I think this expectation that life is generally shit kept me in the wrong place for a very long time.

Not one of my friends is happy, by their own admission.

They dream of retirement where they say they will effectively take off on regular holidays and increase their hobby time and relationships outside of marriage.
Not one of them gives a shit about sex or
Intimacy.For now.

They are tied to mortgages, business, children, family. For now.

I expect in our circle, several of them will leave once the kids are gone to Uni.
There is no abuse or fighting , just indifference and at times, seething resentment
All of those women are full time working mothers who do 80%+ domestic labour in the home and childcare. They never signed up for that but their husbands never stepped up despite their best efforts.
Ingrained conditioning I expect.

I can see this trend everywhere I look in our circle.

Each of them deals with their unhappiness by finding happiness in their friendships, hobbies, work and alcohol.

That's it.

Money or ego ( don't want failed marriage, don't want them to say I told you so)

@itsonlyatowel

What sort of age range are your friends in?