Why do people stay in unhappy relationships?

[Cluelessat33]

I'm saying this from the perspective of someone who ended their marriage a few years ago, and I'm aware there are other factors such as abuse.

But where there is no control and abuse, why do people stay in relationships that are clearly unhappy and make them unhappy. I was reflecting on this the other day when a friend asked me if I'd consider marrying again.

I thought about it and reflected that very few of my close friends in established relationships, whether married or not, seemed to be happy. And not jyst run of the mill unhappy, but deeply unhappy with their spouse, their married situation, who feel lonely, unloved etc. Why would you stay?

I'm not saying the alternative is perfect. It's hard. finances are hard, single parenting is hard. But surely it has to be better than being lonely in a relationship with someone. I've been there so I understand this.

Everything @Toomanysleepycats says describes why I still haven't left / asked him to leave. 100%

Fear of being neglected by others and cut out the social circle. Knowing I have a good man and the grass isn't always greener, but still I'm unhappy. Money, I could just about afford the mortgage on my own but it would be incredibly difficult. That's why I stay.

There doesn't have to be at all! If people want to date it's perfectly possible to keep that separate from your life with your children.

I often think this. I left a marriage and became a single parent. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do but it got so much easier once I got past the first year or so. I should have left years earlier but what kept me there was fear. The fear of being homeless and penniless. The fear of the kids being so emotionally damaged that they would hate me. The fear of being alone forever. The fear and shame of people finding out the things he had done in our marriage. But actually all of those fears turned out to be not half as bad as I'd imagined they would be.

Fear and money

I'm sure economics plays a big part in this situation. Most people buy property together. Unraveling all that and becoming independent is a real issue. People don't have a nest egg to just up and leave and buy somewhere else.

Fear

Fear
Embarrassment
Guilt
Sense of responsibility towards the other person
Impact on wider family

The list is endless and personal to everyone I would expect.

Familiarity is what often keeps couples together, better that than fear of the unknown for most. Financial reasons.
It's a lot easier to leave if children are not involved.
Some women genuinely fear for their lives should they leave, we all know the horrific statistics, or they have partners that would make things very difficult for them. Some partners threaten suicide so the other stays out of guilt. There's so many different reasons. Mostly it could be that things aren't that bad, the hope it will get better, all relationships have their ups and downs.
I know many couples who genuinely seem very happy and work well together, and l know of others trying very hard to keep the relationship going. Relationships are very complex, never ever black or white.

Lifestyle, if I split up from my husband the kids would instantly lose the hobbies they have spent a lifetime doing.
The comfortable house they are growing up in would be replaced by two smaller, grottier homes in less desirable areas of town.
I do not fear being alone and doing it alone at all. I fear doing it on a single income and for me unhappiness does not trump the benefits of parenting as a couple.

Money, poor boundaries, lack of expectations and fear.

Because sometimes it's just better (or perceived to be) than the alternative.

Ease, financial stability, stability for the children,
knowing the father of your children is probably the best relationship prospects you will have etc.
im sure there are many more.

Sunken phallacy in my case - I've been in this relationship for 20 years this must be just a bad patch I can't give all of this up, my happy memories are all to do with this man, we'll be ok in the end.
Glad I saw sense in the end, we weren't ok. I'm much happier now.

Low self esteem on the most part

Exactly this I'd say
I have friends who have only stayed with their partner as leaving would mean splitting everything and in a lot of cases would mean selling the family home etc etc

I stayed because I didn’t know how it would work if we split. He wasn’t working and I didn’t want to leave him destitute but I didn’t know how I could split my salary to support us both. I didn’t know what the impact would be on my DD. I loved the guy once and I hoped it might get better in time. I wasn’t sure what my family would say. Basically a big cocktail of fear and uncertainty with a healthy side-order of guilt. It took a big step to get over that and I am so much happier for it!

Ive been with my dh for 22 years, married for 10 years. I'm so unhappy right now (have been for 10 years). If we didnt have kids age between 10 to 18)...i wouldve of gone like a shot!. Unhappy cos of his self employed job. Ive had enough of being skint and can't plan things and we're not getting any younger!? (Ive got a steady full time job in the past few months, but I'm practically paying everything inc mortgage, bills, foods, kids social activities etc)... but i cant just throw away 22 years!?

I’m married 12 years in. I’m so so unhappy. I feel stuck in a boring, lonely and sexless black hole. I’m 39 !!! I feel old beyond my years and my self esteem is on the floor.
I divorced my first “d”h because of abuse. He emotionally, physically, sexually and financially abused me.

Im staying (for now) because we have a little boy with autism. He loves his dad and he is a awesome dad.
I wouldn’t be able to work without him here while I work unsociable hours and I love my job. I can’t start over on benefits agains. It was so hard the first time
Also when I finally left my first husband I had real reasons I don’t feel like my reasons for divorce are good enough.

Because it is harder looking after kids on your own. Sharing kids is tough emotionally, financially it’s really tough right now to start paying for everything on one salary. Sometimes they are unhappy but still love their partner; even if not in a sexual way and seem reluctant to leave. It’s a big decision and for many people it’s easier to stay and be unhappy. But I left; and I’m so much happier for it.

In short FEARS, fear to be alone, fear to not be loved even who they are clealy not loved, Fear the next one is gonna be worse as the world is a mean mean place... Fear they will not make it on their own if they have kids... and many many many other fears

Poor. Took my house away from me. Downtrodden.

Fear of being alone

ah.. forgot another reason.. but he s such a nice man others have it way worse , i shouldn't act like a spoiled brat.....

Fear. A lot of women in their 40s or 50s, whose kids have left home, stick with oafish bullies because they fear not being able to cope on their own. A therapist friend once told me that such women, if they do pluck up the courage to leave, almost never regret it. Their husbands have convinced them they’ll be lonely. Or they’ve controlled the money and paid the bills so that their wives feel dependent on them and fear they’ll never cope. When they go (so this friend told me), nine times out of ten they just feel angry that they didn’t do so earlier.