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Original poster

Why do people stay in unhappy relationships?

222 replies

Cluelessat33 · 20/01/2023 11:54

I'm saying this from the perspective of someone who ended their marriage a few years ago, and I'm aware there are other factors such as abuse.

But where there is no control and abuse, why do people stay in relationships that are clearly unhappy and make them unhappy. I was reflecting on this the other day when a friend asked me if I'd consider marrying again.

I thought about it and reflected that very few of my close friends in established relationships, whether married or not, seemed to be happy. And not jyst run of the mill unhappy, but deeply unhappy with their spouse, their married situation, who feel lonely, unloved etc. Why would you stay?

I'm not saying the alternative is perfect. It's hard. finances are hard, single parenting is hard. But surely it has to be better than being lonely in a relationship with someone. I've been there so I understand this.

OP posts:
DietCock · 22/01/2023 19:58

Money

itsonlyatowel · 22/01/2023 20:01

40's/early 50's.
Kids are older teens.
All established in their careers and comfortable.
Still running the ship alone.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 22/01/2023 20:08

In many cases they do the maths and decide that they are better off staying.

Becoming a single parent comes with social stigma and huge financial and practical penalties. You could lose your home and many of your friends, and are you really going to find a better relationship? If you are pushing 40 with children? Very possibly not. And for many women anything is better than being single.

Namechangedgamechanger · 22/01/2023 20:51

This is such an interesting thread. I know I’m not happy, but a lot of that is to do with resentment that has built towards DH over the years, and various patterns of his behaviour that I’m utterly sick of. I do dream of being alone or with someone else who doesn’t make me feel like this. However, there’s no ‘deal breaker’ in the mix here - nothing like infidelity or abuse - so in all honesty, I don’t think I could justify throwing a bomb into my kids’ lives while they are still quite young. It’s pretty much like @ohfook says -

ohfook · Yesterday 22:26
I think about this a lot and the fact is dh and I couldn't afford to break up without it significantly impacting the kids and I suppose I'm not unhappy enough to justify doing that.
— plus I have very little support network in terms of family. Not great but that’s my story….

Torres10 · 22/01/2023 21:16

@itsonlyatowel ..agree 100%.
All of my friends have issues in their relationships & mostly they are just "working around it", doing what needs doing and getting life satisfaction from work, hobbies & friends..

Oh and as for 'the fear of being single', as if, at least not amongst my group..we are all off to live in a village by the sea :)

reddwarfgeek · 22/01/2023 21:50

For me, personally:

-Not wanting to upset DDs life, she adores her dad

  • Fear of loosing DD in a custody battle
-Money -Fear of what the dickhead in-laws would do
  • Fear of partner making my life a misery if I left him
  • Even though I hate dislike the bastard a lot of the time, loneliness

I will leave him though. Whether it be next year or in 30 years. I've told myself I'm not going to be an old woman resenting the fact I've spent my life with him and wiping his arse. I lived alone for years when I was young I'm quite independent and I'd have no problem with doing it again.

Sending anyone strength who is in the same boat Flowers

19Bears · 23/01/2023 10:27

Abcde19 · 21/01/2023 22:42

Money and shared parental responsibility. I don’t want to take my kids out of their nice home and hardly see them because I’m working more hours to make ends meet. And I don’t want primary custody where I end up doing all the laundry, all the school runs, all the bedtimes, and Dad just swans in every other weekend.

Even if your marriage sucks, you need someone to be in the house with the kids so you can go out, someone who will take a turn at cooking and entertaining and putting to bed, someone who takes them to school if you’re sick or pull an early shift at work, etc. You don’t have to like that someone, they just need to share the burden.

This is why I've stuck it out for so long. I often have to go out of the house on an evening if my disabled brother needs me, or my mum needs me, or if I've just got things like shopping to do. So I've needed another adult to be in the house with the kids, or I couldn't do any of this. But now they're older, I can leave them for a short while knowing they'll be ok. Saying that, he's been no more than a present adult in the house, I still have all the jobs to do when I get home as he's just sat there, not even bothering much with the kids. I feel their sense of relief when I get home, and all the requests for food, as if they couldn't have asked their dad. He certainly doesn't ease the burden by cooking, ever. Or entertaining. And full custody doesn't worry me at all as I feel like I've always had that. Therefore I find myself in a place where I can let the babysitter go, as harsh as it sounds..... I just need the strength to do it and find my own freedom.

MooBaggage · 23/01/2023 10:37

Money, comfortable companionship, fear of the unknown, guilt at breaking up the family, overwhelming feeling of duty and responsibility towards the family, that seems to override anything I might personally want.

theseangeldelights · 23/01/2023 10:46

Cost benefit analysis!

MessyHouseMe · 23/01/2023 15:26

I think if it's not terrible, women stick it out. As do men. I'm a single parent post an abusive relationship and I left to protect my children. However ive never met anyone since. I wonder whether I would have just tolerated an unhappy situation if it wasn't that bad!

AuntieStella · 23/01/2023 15:30

Habit, and (if nothing badly wrong) the hope/belief that it'll come good again

Notsuchaniceguy · 23/01/2023 18:43

Guilt. I've not been a good partner, we have both hurt each other deeply at times. I could be single and quite OK with it but we'd both be financially far worse off. DP whilst recognising that it's a lot of bad times with some good bits prefers that to a single future with less resources which is what DP is certain would happen. And I don't have a right to say my happiness is more than someone else's when I'm not, I don't think, being abused. So we remain as sexless housemates who can enjoy a night out now and again. All kids are adult and from previous marriages so our toxicity (snapping, mistrust, irritation, occasional vicious rows when I've done something DP doesn't like or sees as me being dismissive or disrespectful which I can be through my self absorbed thoughtlessness) when it breaks out is only witnessed by us. I didn't imagine this would be my future but it could be worse.

If one of the children needed more care from one of us I think that would do it as would an affair but we did that to our previous spouses as we came together and I, for one, am never doing that again. I was an utter shit then and I'm still a shit now, just more self aware.

In a way we got what we deserved. I don't believe in karma or manifesting or whatever but I guess if you do, then know at least for some cheats, they don't prosper.

With luck my children will find their way and I can get on with dying young because I don't fancy dying old the way things are.

iwishiwereafirefly · 23/01/2023 19:15

I was in an unhappy relationship for about 3 years and I think I stayed so long as I was so deeply intertwined with his family. We spent a lot of time together and had mutual friends but deep down, we knew we weren't compatible. But to be honest, the thought of losing his family, the life we'd built and inevitably some of the friends and 'starting over' felt too scary and lonely. He ended it eventually and looking back now it was the best thing that could have ever happened. But I couldn't see that at the time. All I could see was what I thought I would lose.

For that reason, I understand why some stay in unhappy relationships. For some, 'unhappy' still represents security.

Johnisafckface · 23/01/2023 22:51

I can admit I stayed for years because I was tired of being alone and trying to meet someone in my 40s. A year before I met my ex I was in a 3 year relationship til he cheated. And before that I was single from my mid 20s til late 30s. I felt like I would never meet anyone again, and so I settled with my ex. He filled a gap for me, but I knew I wasn't happy with him. I just didn't want to be completely alone.

Teacake22 · 23/01/2023 22:57

Bedazzled22 · 20/01/2023 12:13

Its also the responsibility of breaking up when you have children. Being the one “breaking up the family” but of course the reality is that often the other party is the one whose actions break the family.

Staying in a bad relationship grinds you down. We only have one life…

Absolutely this☝️

Minteraye · 24/01/2023 06:54

Lack of support

Mmhmmn · 04/06/2023 20:49

@Cluelessat33 there is another ... feeling guilty at prospect of binning them, particularly if man-child with physical/psychological issues

InTheMoonglow · 05/06/2023 14:48

It does seem, sadly, that women are still at a disadvantage financially in our society once children are in the picture. This places the power, perpetually in the hands of men, and quite often the women scurry around trying to fix the holes in terror of facing that financial vacuum and perceived failure.

I am often interested in this idea of 'alpha' women, or those who are financially self dependent. How many of us would tolerate less than ideal relationships if money wasn't an issue?
Perhaps more focus on this financial trap as a feminist issue is needed? Something we need to make young women and girls more aware of?
Instead of coaching them into tolerating it and making the best of it. How many of us still want to conform to societies standard of our daughter's 'marrying well'? It's quite disturbing. It is lifelong dependency, like hobbling the women.

Until this is resolved in our culture, the problems will persist. Woman are still being palmed off with accepting the status quo that puts us at a huge financial disadvantage if we dare to want kids.

Mmhmmn · 05/06/2023 17:17

InTheMoonglow · 05/06/2023 14:48

It does seem, sadly, that women are still at a disadvantage financially in our society once children are in the picture. This places the power, perpetually in the hands of men, and quite often the women scurry around trying to fix the holes in terror of facing that financial vacuum and perceived failure.

I am often interested in this idea of 'alpha' women, or those who are financially self dependent. How many of us would tolerate less than ideal relationships if money wasn't an issue?
Perhaps more focus on this financial trap as a feminist issue is needed? Something we need to make young women and girls more aware of?
Instead of coaching them into tolerating it and making the best of it. How many of us still want to conform to societies standard of our daughter's 'marrying well'? It's quite disturbing. It is lifelong dependency, like hobbling the women.

Until this is resolved in our culture, the problems will persist. Woman are still being palmed off with accepting the status quo that puts us at a huge financial disadvantage if we dare to want kids.

Totally agree. Much more educating of young girls about avoid financial and emotional traps associated with future relationships. What can occur in relationships that is not acceptable. How to push back on unacceptable behaviour. We're so conditioned to be nice 🙄

panthermoon · 05/06/2023 18:02

I stayed in mine because my ex was manipulative and abusive and trapped me psychologically and financially. I was so very unhappy.

I left in the end though. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But now I live in peace.

everybodytidy · 05/06/2023 18:10

Fear of the unknown

Obviously

Lacoeur · 05/06/2023 18:13

I have a friend in a very loveless relationship, she openly talks badly about her dp. I think she stays because of the practicalities of 50/50 on house and bills, and childcare/ not to disrupt their dc. She’s massively unhappy but the alternative, in her mind, is worse.

Daffodilwoman · 05/06/2023 18:34

This is very depressing.
I didn’t realise there were so many unhappy people around.
I think money is a driving factor. Someone without money worries can buy another house, afford a car, afford childcare if needed, afford to pay someone to do jobs etc etc.
I also think it’s settling. You might dislike your oh but at least he can fix the fence and mend the car if needed.
I’m not in this position.
I would never have married dh if he had been an abusive, lazy, unappreciative sod. We also don’t have dc together and I think that helps.

InBedBy10 · 05/06/2023 19:09

For me, it was because I didn't want to break up my family, I couldn't afford to leave, and I was afraid of being alone.

Finally had enough after a holiday from hell. It was obvious the man couldn't give a damn about me. No abuse just utter disinterest. I couldn't let my girls grow up thinking this was a healthy relationship.

It takes courage to change your life. Especially after 20 years and all the ties that come with that. But it was honestly the best thing I ever did. I'm happier than I've been in years.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 05/06/2023 19:29

Money , kids , fear , brainwashing