Why do people stay in unhappy relationships?

[Cluelessat33]

I'm saying this from the perspective of someone who ended their marriage a few years ago, and I'm aware there are other factors such as abuse.

But where there is no control and abuse, why do people stay in relationships that are clearly unhappy and make them unhappy. I was reflecting on this the other day when a friend asked me if I'd consider marrying again.

I thought about it and reflected that very few of my close friends in established relationships, whether married or not, seemed to be happy. And not jyst run of the mill unhappy, but deeply unhappy with their spouse, their married situation, who feel lonely, unloved etc. Why would you stay?

I'm not saying the alternative is perfect. It's hard. finances are hard, single parenting is hard. But surely it has to be better than being lonely in a relationship with someone. I've been there so I understand this.

I think the danger with staying in an unhappy relationship is that one person might have an affair and leave for the affair partner. The faithful one has then stayed and suffered for nothing.
I have no idea if my long time married friends are happy, they appear to be. The common factor though is money. They all have virtually mortgage free, big, lush houses. All go on luxury holidays and drive reliable cars. If they split this would end. Several of them don’t work (or work hardly any hours)and I’m doubtful they could afford the lifestyle they lead on their sole income.
I know 3 couples who are on their second marriage. All of them started as affairs. They all seem happy. Again all of them have plenty of money. All 3 of the women do not work (early to mid 50s). A split would mean financial hardship so maybe they are not as blissfully happy as they seem. I don’t know.

All sorts of reasons. I stayed in a miserable abusive relationship when I was younger because I had very low self esteem and he had played into my insecurities with endless put downs he dressed up as jokes. He got me into a position where I thought I couldn’t do any better than him, that I’d never meet anyone else willing to love me. I had an abusive stepdad growing up so I guess it was part of that, I almost thought it was normal to be treat like shit. Older and wiser now so wouldn’t do that again.

I didn’t have children with him so it was easier for me to leave. I think when a woman has children, that’s a main factor in not leaving particularly if she’s financially dependent on him. MIL just cheated on FIL for years rather than leave him because she needed his income to fund her high end lifestyle. Some women don’t work at all so completely rely on their OH’s income to get by.

I agree - staying for the lifestyle.

@Hotandverybothered I think this is why I stay (for now) too. DH has always acted a bit strange, but more and more recently. I think he would really struggle on his own, and is terrible with the kids so I would hate to send them to spend any significant amount of time with him once we do separate. He talks to himself in a weird way, makes strange noises, and just seems to have no idea of priorities as a parent, kind of drifting along in his own world, not seeing the enormity of the problems we have. I feel as if my kids would see me as the bad guy sending poor dad away, even though equally I'm sure they can see how sad I am to be stuck with him. My eldest son is going through some anxiety issues at the moment and I wonder if the atmosphere in the house is causing it, or will it make him worse to have separating parents? I cannot decide what the least damaging option is, and so I do nothing.

Jumping on the end here, I’m staying so I don’t lose my house, he earns more than me, and so I don’t see less of my kids. He knows I don’t love him, we are in separate rooms, there is no affection whatsoever, he could end it if he wanted as I’ve already suggested it.

In a divorce the split would be at least half. A friend of mine (male) is having to accept a 65 per cent split in favour of his wife who doesn't work. She will still be able to afford a mortgage free flat at £800k and have change but you're right that will be a lifestyle drop from a 2.5 million house. And there's something women seem to like about having a successful man hanging around on the Caribbean holiday even if he is shagging someone else. There's a lot of blind eyes in some relationships...
I agree with you though certainly in my experience it seems the potential loss of a lush lifestyle is key.

But where there is no control and abuse, why do people stay in relationships that are clearly unhappy and make them unhappy.

Because human beings are biologically wired to seek comfort, even over happiness, and there is comfort in familiarity. It's why many people even stay depressed for many years/most of their life despite saying how they want to be happy; because paradoxically it is often more bearable to the conditioned human brain to be predictably unhappy.

I think the danger with staying in an unhappy relationship is that one person might have an affair and leave for the affair partner. The faithful one has then stayed and suffered for nothing.
This is kind of what happened to me - I was waiting until the kids were older, to see if things improved (they were not awful, he was a bit of a shit but mainly a disappointment!). Then he had an affair - and he became a lot worse. So if I had left, then I'd have avoided the real nastiness at the end. But I didn't stay "for nothing". I stayed to see if things would get better. They could have. You never know. And I got to spend a few more years in the house with the kids - we enjoyed ourselves, he was mostly absent.
If there's no good reason to wait, or to stay, then you've stayed and suffered for nothing whether or not he has an affair.

Poor self-esteem

When I started thinking about this more, I realised I knew a few unhappy relationships where they stick it out:

1: woman cheating, hates husband, stays because she's embarrassed about what people will say if they divorce. He's difficult himself but it's his 2nd marriage so same issue as wife. Both hardly speak/no sex. No kids.

2: man cheating for years, they split, he realises financially he's not better off, she realises there isn't much out there dating wise, back together now. She knows he cheated for years.

3: man cheating, woman doesn't want to leave as 2nd marriage as embarrassed what people will say

4: woman cheats, leaves husband but then dumped herself. Back to husband. Didnt want to lose lifestyle. He still loves her but very low self esteem, worsened because she left him before.

5: man cheats/abusive to partner, he actually gets arrested. She has taken him back. For her, she feels he's her family. Wants another baby by him.

Just spent the weekend with a group of good friends, at least one of whom is in a horrible relationship. Her husband is just awful: cold, controlling, speaks down to her or ignore her, very financially abusive. She has two daughters both of whom are fucked up by living with him and seeing their horrible relationship: one will do anything to get male attention, the other is practically mute and just came out as trans. She has totally failed to protect her daughters in this respect, believing it’s better for them to live in (material) comfort with an abusive father than alone with her.

why does she stay? he’s wealthy and provides a level of material comfort she couldn’t match on her own. Low self esteem. Feeling like a failure. Her own crappy upbringing makes her accept treatment that others would run a mile from.

Look at women married to cheats such as Annie Kilner, Coleen Rooney and Toni Terry. They'd have plenty of money if they divorced so what's that all about especially when so many people think they're doormats and their husbands are dickheads

Lack of confidence
No support
Inability to cope with the stress of divorce/split
Lack of finances
Not wanting to upset children at crucial stages of education

I’m not desperately unhappy and I do love my DH but if I’m truly honest, not deeply in love. I don’t think he’s necessarily ‘the one’ and that I’ve settled a bit. I know I would be happier on my own or perhaps there’s someone out there who makes my heart sing.

I stay because we have 2 children, DS5 has ASD & ADHD and is only in school on a very part time basis. We also have 20 month DS. I’ve had to give up work to be DS1’s carer and to facilitate the very disruptive effect of schooling and couldn’t manage without DH. We only have my mum nearby and no other family close or any friends so we are alone.

I’ve lost my personality, my life (outside of my 4 walls) and my career since January when it all fell apart. I can’t lose what’s left. I hope that one day when things are more settled I’ll fall back in love with DH again properly.

I used the analogy, the other day, that my life feels like I’m in a swimming pool with all these weights (children, school, money etc etc) strapped to my back and I must keep swimming to save my children from going under but someone has taken the steps out.

In the meantime, we’re muddling through and happy enough. DH has no idea what I really think and I’m not un-happy enough to take a hand grenade to my life.

I have a friend in her early 50s with a man she can barely stand. He actually irritates her. If they split she'd probably onlybe able a tiny one bedroom flat. She also doesn't think she'd get anyone else "better the devil you know" she says. The crazy thing is she's a high earner, so she'd probably be quite comfortable if they split, and much happier even if she remains single. I don't get it at all. I'm assuming it's the change that she's scared of maybe being alone when she's old?

@80s

How did the affair make you feel given things were already in a poor state.

This my mom.
I donmt get it either.
She made us all miserable, just because she’s afraid of being single/alone.
But then took that fear out on me and my dad.

Because separating would be awful for everyone, not least the children.

My parents separated and it has been awful. It makes me dread spending any time with them. I don't want my children to feel like this.

I know that this isn't the same for everyone, but is the case for me.

Fear
Loneliness
Complications with children - even older children have their own complications
Being worn down
Lacking self esteem
Not wanting to be the bad guy
Knowing he'll make your life hell
If he's charming, knowing that he'll win everyone else round
Not having much emotional back up - friends and family to provide support
The sheer exhaustion involved in disentangling all the financial and emotional bonds

@IsThereAnEchoInHere I'm in an unhappy marriage, I've battled with myself for years and stayed mainly for the kids, theyre now all teenagers oldest is 18, they can all see that we don't have a 'relationship' and often ask why we're together, I'm now getting to breaking point and feel like I'm taking alot out on the kids and feel like I'm ruining their lives, speaking from experience would you think they'd be better off if we split? We do nothing together, don't speak, don't eat as a family I offer him food he declines then orders himself a takeaway, there's loads more (gambling debts,drinking etc) so no chance of reconciliation

Gosh @Dogslife25, it’s really not my place, I’ll say a few things, please don’t take it as me attacking you.

One, kids know, young or old, but the know something is off, even with lack of life experience.

And according to my psycholigist and I notice this in myself, they blame themselves, that they ruined the relationship.

You said you’re taking it out on them, I’m sure that at some point you thought or told tourself that you’re staying as a favour for everyone else, that you made a sacrifice, I hate to tell you this, but no one sees it that way or cares.
They notice the tension, the silence, the brush offs, the passive aggressive jabs, the sighs, the eye rolls….

I don’t know how you take it out on them, is it sudden shouting, angry bursts?
Complaining about the husband?

All I can say I always wished they would have divorced, I’m more grown now though and realize that my dad may have been lazy and angry man when I was young.
But my mom was controlling, jealous, bitter, cruel, bully.
So had they divorced, would it been better, who knows…
In my case, it was two incompetent people, who had no business being married, nevermind to have a child.

Do you think you’d be healthier person and a parent if divorced? Then yes, you’re kids would be better off.

Final thing, do not ever tell your kids, you did it for them (staying I mean) they will not thank you.
If they ask just say that you thought it was best thing to do at the time. Or so you thought.

I have often wondered if everyone was given enough money to make it comfortably on their own for themselves and their children, that the divorce rate would go through the roof!

There'd not be many married couples left!

Money doesn't buy you happiness but it gives you choices and the freedom to pursue happiness.

I don't know many truly happy couples. The ones I do know I really admire. Most I know are ok or making the best of it. As PP said, perhaps our expectations are a bit too high.

I have often wondered if everyone was given enough money to make it comfortably on their own for themselves and their children, that the divorce rate would go through the roof!

and if we’d live in a society that didn’t brainwash us into having a relationship in the first place.
Considering how unhappy and unhealthy most relationships are, and how many people still want to go and fuck other people and some don’t want sex at all, clearly we’re not even meant to be in these type of relationshios.

Yes that's very true. How many people get married and have children as they feel it's expected and/or fear of missing out?

Multitude of reasons.

But none which will appease you.

Why are you asking ?
Maybe you can't understand a particular persons reluctance to leave a certain 'unhappy situation'.

Maybe that particular person understands that there is more to life and survival on this planet than hearts, romance and idealism.

Some people are logical rather than idealistic.