Why do people stay in unhappy relationships?

[Cluelessat33]

I'm saying this from the perspective of someone who ended their marriage a few years ago, and I'm aware there are other factors such as abuse.

But where there is no control and abuse, why do people stay in relationships that are clearly unhappy and make them unhappy. I was reflecting on this the other day when a friend asked me if I'd consider marrying again.

I thought about it and reflected that very few of my close friends in established relationships, whether married or not, seemed to be happy. And not jyst run of the mill unhappy, but deeply unhappy with their spouse, their married situation, who feel lonely, unloved etc. Why would you stay?

I'm not saying the alternative is perfect. It's hard. finances are hard, single parenting is hard. But surely it has to be better than being lonely in a relationship with someone. I've been there so I understand this.

Because although they might be unhappy with their partner, their children are not unhappy with that parent. I'm quite sure that divorce/splits are more common in child-free relationships because it's so much more straightforward.

Because children are better raised in a family unit than singly. Nearly always the case unless there’s open abuse going on in which case they’re better raised by one loving parent than two hostile ones

Marriage is also a financial contract not just an emotional one

Also, a lot of people are unhappy full stop. Their partner is not necessarily the one making them unhappy. Ime quite often the couples who are fairly independent are the ones who survive the course of a long relationship.

I would also add that people can maintain a familiar companionship and acceptance of one another and co-habit comfortably like this, which is usually preferable to the unknown, the messy chaos of a split, the trauma inflicted on the children, the financial fallout. I know what I’d choose

I think you've hit the nail on the head here. It's structural.

Women need to ensure they retain the capability to be financially independent. Some of this comes down to career choices, some comes down to raising girls with the expectation that their partners will do half of childcare and housework etc so that they can maintain careers.

But some is also that - even if you are what most people consider to be a high earner - it is incredibly difficult to manage financially. Single people are penalised by the tax system, and this affects single parents hugely. A single earner household is taxed far, far more on the same household earnings. Half of the tax free allowance, higher rate tax applied at half the earnings, child benefit, tax free childcare and the 30 hours funding lost at half the income.

The overall effect of this for a lone parent with a couple of children is that they will need to earn much more than £100k to have the same net income after tax and childcare that a household with two average earners. That is madness, to compound the disadvantage of someone already doing two jobs on their own - parenting and providing financially - by penalising them financially as well. The UK is an outlier on this and this really needs to change.

The pathetically low rates of child maintenance also need to be revised to actually reflect 50% of the cost of raising a child. And enforced properly.

Even as a higher earning woman, it is incredibly difficult to do everything. Higher earning jobs are demanding and balancing this with doing everything else, and all the responsibility for a mortgage alone, it's no picnic.

It's much better than a miserable relationship though of course. Once women break free, few seem to wish to ever cohabit or financially entangle themselves with a partner again. But the structural systems - particularly the tax system - are discriminatory and make this needlessly even harder and all women should be fighting to get that changed.

It is ONLY a financial contract. There is no such thing as an emotional contract. Marriage is a legal, financial agreement. One that many men and women would be well advised to avoid.

Most expensive mistake I ever made.

OP I truly feel that if your relationship is utterly like you describe it then it’s a no brainer to leave.

I mean to put it in perspective, for me there was abuse. So verbal and emotional abuse.

But if it is not then sharing yr kids between step families is utterly a chore and not the right environment for them. Sometimes you may not be happy but you might not be too unhappy either and can recognise that you’d probably feel the same in or out of it, as it’s a life stage you go through. That’s when you focus on the next stage of brining kids up and out that before your own considerations which as I say May be ambiguous anyhow.

There are a whole hill of reasons.

Hi OP, what you said here really resonated with me in my situation:

But for a long time I was desperate for him to give me clear cut get out clauses such as physical harm or an affair, because all the other stuff was too blurry and grey and insidious to put a finger on.

It seems like 'fear of the unknown' is pretty universal when it comes to leaving a relationship.

For me - it's because he can be loving and caring, and I feel like he loves me. But at other times, it's terrible. It's hard to think straight.

All I know is that of the relationships I know where their marriage dragged on for far longer than it should have and they eventually separated in their 50s, there was huge regret that they hadn’t done it much earlier.

At the moment my kids stability surpasses my discontent. That won't always be the case. That's what keeps me going.

For most people certainty, even if it’s certain misery, is easier than dealing with uncertainty.

all the reasons when it comes down to it, just boil down to fear.

A lot of people stay by outsourcing the bits of the relationship they aren't getting from their spouse. I do think that affairs keep a lot of marriages together, because without that extra side person providing the sex, desire, intimacy, affection a lot of marriages would be intolerable.

Because my children's stability and happiness seems more important than my own. If we were in a shite living/financial situation anyway, I guess it would make it "easier" to do it alone, but staying together as a family unit provides great opportunities and upbringing for my young children, that I just couldn't even offer a fraction of, if me and husband separated. We have a nice house, in a nice neighborhood, with lots of family support and friends. If we separated, I would lose everything. When I confided in my mum about my unhappiness in my marriage, she told me if I acted on it, she'd disown me, refuse to help with childcare, and then I'd see what true unhappiness is like. She said I needed to stop being selfish and give my children the live they deserve. I guess she's right. My husband is a good man, he's not at all abusive, works hard provides financially, and we parent well together. I just feel deeply unhappy, but I'm not prepared to throw a grenade into my kids lives, and force them to live with the consequences of my feelings.

For me it's money. I can't support myself and my children on my salary, even with benefits.
Rent is double the cost of my mortgage round here for a much grubbier house in a worse area and I already can barely pay half of the mortgage.

It pisses me off when I hear the "life is short leave"

Have you ever been homeless, starving, scraping pennies together to get a loaf of bread? I have, and it's scarred me for life. No way would I subject my own children to that.

He's a good dad, isn't abusive, is a good man really, there's just no spark there or sex anymore. I wouldn't subject my children (or myself) to poverty for that 🤷🏻‍♀️

When I was in my marriage, I didn't think it was an unhappy marriage. I knew there were moments I felt really unhappy, but I thought that was just normal married life, and that we got on pretty well. There were no constant nasty comments or angry shouting like with my mum. We did stuff together that we both enjoyed, unlike my PILs.
Since we broke up, though, I've experienced a more enjoyable relationship and have learned what I could have had. And the distance - and Mumsnet - opened my eyes to quite how much I had to put up with.

So I'd say in my case, lack of knowledge played a big role. If I'd known better, I'd never have married him in the first place. I wanted to break up at one point, but he persuaded me not to. If I'd been better informed, he wouldn't have persuaded me.

But we got together before the internet, let alone the arrival of sites like Mumsnet and the invention of commonly known red flags!

Me, boiled frog analogy. I didn't realise how bad it was until it ended. I realise now how lonely I was, and sad.

House prices mate. If you could buy a three bed semi in a decent area for 100k then half of UK marriages would immediately collapse.

Definitely house prices. Not just for the couple concerned but also for any adult DC who can't afford to live anywhere other than the marital home.

This is exactly how I feel. Growing up, my dad was abusive towards my mum, and vanished off the face of the earth leaving her to support us by herself, and it was extremely tough. I don't want my kids to experience what we went through, and I know we would struggle financially doing it alone. I don't blame my mum for being so angry when I said I was unhappy as she doesn't understand why. She sees DH as kind, hardworking, a dedicated dad, would never lay a finger on me, and doesn't understand why that isn't enough, as she could only have dreamt for that when we were growing up. Financially I'd be screwing us all over if I left, and I just can't do that to them.

Was meant to quote stars

Life is too short to move to a horrible area and see your kids half the week.

So in conclusion unless the guys a narc, has other personality disorder etc, a marriage is what it is after many years together and it’s way better for kids unless of course you are in a narc dynamic. That’s the time to flee.

Life is too short to move to a horrible area and see your kids half the week.

So often women are advised to LTB but as another poster commented there is the cost benefit analysis - this is the potential (and likely) flip side of leaving when things are workable.