Why do people stay in unhappy relationships?

[Cluelessat33]

I'm saying this from the perspective of someone who ended their marriage a few years ago, and I'm aware there are other factors such as abuse.

But where there is no control and abuse, why do people stay in relationships that are clearly unhappy and make them unhappy. I was reflecting on this the other day when a friend asked me if I'd consider marrying again.

I thought about it and reflected that very few of my close friends in established relationships, whether married or not, seemed to be happy. And not jyst run of the mill unhappy, but deeply unhappy with their spouse, their married situation, who feel lonely, unloved etc. Why would you stay?

I'm not saying the alternative is perfect. It's hard. finances are hard, single parenting is hard. But surely it has to be better than being lonely in a relationship with someone. I've been there so I understand this.

There is a host of reasons, mine was.

1. I did not want to live in financial poverty and have to work all the hours god sends to support the kids.
2. The kids were happy enough as there was no abuse.
3. He was not controlling and I thought, better the devil I know

I eventually agreed to end it when I got him to agree to my terms eg I kept the house etc. When I meant him I was financially secure i had my own place and he had nothing, I helped him get on his feet, he had no financial sense and ended up causing us to go bankrupt after 3 years, again i sorted everything through my families financial help and we was able to buy some properties until I realised he was being unfaithful the whole time and is addicted to porn. I had to sit him down and tell him the properties are for your children's future and I wont allow him to make us sell up everything to divide assets and that he needs to leave or I am prepared to stay in this relationship forever.

I have a number of friends in unhappy relationships. In all money is not a factor.

1. Wife put up with a marriage for where both had separate lives because she wanted the life style of living in a large house, fancy holidays etc. Adult children so not a factor.Now divorced. (Age mid 50s)
2. Wife an alcoholic. Husband feels duty bound to stay as her health is failing. (Age 60s)
3. Husband and wife never do anything together. He forgot her 40th birthday - staying together as it's easier than navigating life alone.
4. Both parties cope by having separate holidays, spend weekends alone. General apathy keeps them together.

To be honest I am beginning to think there are very few long term first marriages where people are happy together. Certainly in the case of my friends they have money, in most cases more than one home and numerous weekends away with their separate friends. Society favours couples and it's a brave move to leave a dull marriage without a cogent reason. Companionship (although most don't even have that) seems to be the most they hope for. A number have affairs which don't get revealed because there's a tacit acceptance.

@Livelifelaughter I have really started to wonder how many people out there are really happy, more people I know are not, now I see my mother get dementia after 50 years of marriage, I started to think whats the point struggling and putting up with a crappy marriage, its likely your gonna end up growing old alone anyway!

This - plus not having a large social circle Of my own, I have friends but not enough imo. I don't want to be alone for key days eg Xmas eve/day & nye. Going alone would mean a shit hole of a house on my salary in a shit area. I currently get a lot of time to myself if i want it as H is around for the DC (they are teens but can't be left all day/ eve alone, type of thing). We have lots of holidays, I couldn't afford them on my own and who would i go with.

Lots of you seem to know that others are unhappy. Do your friends openly confess they are not happy in their marriage? I have heard strangers do this. I don't have an awful lot of friends and I'm not convinced they are totally happy but I've not known anyone tell me so. I actually would love to have friends like these who feel they can vent/are open.

Factors that seem to make a difference particularly where dc are concerned:

finances
A good support system - family and friends to support with emotional/practical issues.
Someone new in the wings.

I also don't want to move DC further away from their schools & friends. I want DC to have nice things, a nice house in a nice area with nice holidays several times a year - which we currently have.

I haven’t read the full thread (I will) but I just think a lot of people just can’t deal with the drama. So would rather sleepwalk through life co existing rather than have huge financial and personal upheaval along with judgement from others. It’s sad, but it’s the position I find myself in

I agree. I also think some people use their children as a bit of an excuse; I know people who have had affairs saying they are on business trips etc so clearly not so bothered about the children and others who say they are staying together for the children and then the children are adults and nothing has changed...I think there's a fallout and still a stigma about divorce and society is geared for couples. Men and this is a generalisation seem to be confident someone 10 years younger or their own age will be interested in them. In the group of friends who have split the men seem to be with a new woman before the ink on.the divorce papers is dry ..

@Livelifelaughter Yes I was staying for the children, but also for the potential grandchildren, I was in it for the long haul. But if you have children in a wide age mine are 26 to 11 you soon realise grown kids fly the nest and do there own thing, and if you don't get out quick enough and wait for the children to grow up, likely he wont care, will kick you out the house with little or nothing and the kids will be busy living there life. Having seen messages of my ex husband telling women he is "just waiting for the kids to grow up" I realised i was dealing with a human that didn't care about my welfare at all :(

Some people don’t want to lose the lifestyle and would rather live unhappily with their partner than start over. Some people also won’t like living alone.

This

Its quite sad reading all this. I know of a couple who despise each other yet he doesn't want a 2nd divorce and she cares too much about people thinking she has failed.

Another who got back together after she left him but then got dumped by her AP. I think she realised what a great lifestyle she was going to lose.

I absolutely crave living on my own but because I realised about 10 years ago that my husband is autistic I could never leave him because he would be absolutely destroyed! He is fundamentally a really caring person but drives me absolutely crazy with his strange behaviour which has got worse ,the older he has got !

Because it's sort of comfortable to stay, I guess.
The alternative is to leave, have to fend for.yourself, potentially put up with blended families, not seeing your kids 24/7, being skint, etc.

Thing is, if you're not that fussed about finding someone else, lust, sex and all that, and you have a comfortable life with no abuse and everything is ticking along nicely, but your marriage is just a bit 'meh', I can understand many women just staying for the sake of comfort and not losing everything they have.

I also wonder, especially on MN, whether people have unrealistic expectations about marriage anyway. It's not meant to stay exciting and electric forever. Eventually you do spend your days picking up his socks and listening to him moaning about you not taking the bin out. It turns into companionship eventually, which many women don't seem to like and feel it isn't enough.

Can you go into detail about the crazy behaviour? I'm asking because I have the same with my DH. His behaviours include things like hiding in a different room when a trademan (ie stranger) comes to the house to do work. Refusing to go back to his hairdresser (who he had been going to for many years) after I had prepaid for his next haircut when I was there with DC (long story! But hairdresser resolved it by saying just prepay for your DH now who I see Has an appt for next week) - apparently i had made it so he could never go back. Refusing to post a card for me through neighbours door as he walked past the house. These are just the tip of the iceberg

The thing is, the guilt (misplaced guilt to be more precise) would pass if you left him.

You would have a period of hell, but it would pass, and then you would have freedom.

Because we live in a (Western) society that has been brought to believe in fairy tales.

"And they all lived happily ever after".

Look at how solo mums are demonised.

I read most of the posts on here about awful partners/husbands and thank god I can move through life without one, having brought up an adult child now.

Solo mums rock! I know so many..... You have no other alternative but to get on with it....

I totally can relate to this. I have come to realise that dh likely has high functioning autism. I had considered it for a while, then eldest jokingly mentioned it. I had a conversation with kids and we actually all agreed. I still don't know if it makes it easier to stay or harder to leave knowing this.

I wonder how many people have undiagnosed mental issues, i too believe my soon to be ex has something wrong him but i cant put my finger on it, for example he used to always get down on all fours to play with the cats and rub noses, but when he does this in front of people its just embarrassing. ( I had to tell him not to do this in front of my parents) Recently i changed the dogs kennel its 2 inches of the ground, after a hour i see him outside building a ramp to get up to the kennel. I ask him "what are you doing" and he says the dog wont go in because he cant get up! I said to him are you for real! He can up on all the sofa's but he cant lift his legs 2 inches :(

Agree with this. I have friends who freely confess that the grass is definitely not greener and if they had known, they would probably have stayed where they were.

I think a lot of people quite rightly spend a lot of time reflecting on what part of that unhappiness comes from them and their behaviour in that relationship. Women who land in toxic unhappy marriages rarely came from good loving stable homes themselves. It's often a good idea to do some work on yourself and see where you land first. It also depends on what proportion of the unhappiness is situation and will change (very young kids and babies are seriously hard for a lot of marriages). A single mother without a support network is really vulnerable financially and to all sorts of stresses.

It's possible to redefine a marriage as well and set your own expectations of what it will bring you.

The downside isn't small for children. You're talking about moving house, school, losing friends and daily access to dad (in a lot of cases). Then new partners are introduced and possibly more half siblings. It's not an easy road and can lead to significant unhappiness for the children.

Agree with this. What I have found is they manage by living such separate lives; people won't admit that often. I have friends who literally have said they wouldn't be able to cope spending a weekend with their husband alone.

I don’t mean disrespect, but does this even count as not good relationship?
If everyone is a good person, so what if there’s no sex?

Interesting question about whether people talk about it openly in real life. It does seem, for me, very hard to. I wouldn't say to a friend that I'm unhappy in my marriage. I wonder how many do talk about it openly.