Dating Thread 238 - Sex, Beer and Sausage Rolls (for the lucky ones!)

[OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss]

Hi All welcome to a shiny new thread as we proceed into 2023 with support for those riding the rollercoasters of the world of dating.

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Eeksteek

good question . But assuming that

(a) she won’t hear anything

and (b) as a female + female unit you and her can have an open conversation about it
before (again !)
during
after

(c) you have also discussed with him and etiquette (as this has never happened before right ?)

And see how she is the next day ?

@Eeksteek does your daughter come into your room when she wakes up? And will her having a friend change any habit she has? How about if Mr Pottery gets showered first so she doesn’t see him all sleepy, she sees him in ‘daytime mode’? Would any of that make a difference to your comfort levels?

Sounds like a perfect opportunity to me @Eeksteek but then I'm like you don't hang around when maybe I should. I also get the no kid free slots as that's where I live.

In the past I've said no one will meet my kids before 6 months and been glad I've stuck to it (after the original heartbreaker met them very early on).

@Definitelycross I also have reverse body dysphoria! 😂Look in the mirror and think 'Still got it!' then see the photos and think 'Oh 🙁🤢'

Exercise has helped me loads mentally and physically. I've recently fallen off the wagon there after doing loads every day (my fitness class instructor moved) so rebooting this week after I finish my last week of my job after 10 years and have a fortnight of annual leave enforced oh me to sort my life out.

Date #5 and sleepover #2 tomoz with MrMaker I just convinced myself he is a player who will go off me rapidly at some point then he phoned and I wert back to believing he's just a really nice guy. Only time will tell. I would like the intensity to be dialled down though mainly so it stays this delicious for longer and we don't fast track to hum-drum

Have a good weekend one and all whatever you are up to make your you put yourself, your needs and your life front and central to everything

Never, anymore. She barely leaves her room at all! She’s almost thirteen, so she knows what’s what. I just want to model healthy relationships. It’s half term, and her having a friend over means they’ll be up late watching films and giggling at tic toc, so it won’t be so pressured. And there will already be someone else in our space - that’s why I think it’s a good opportunity. I’m really comfortable with MrPottery. He’s so chilled. I think she will be too, but having a friend over takes the intensity out of it. To HER it’s really no different from me having any other friend sleep over, though. I think if I make a big deal out of it, she’ll be more anxious.

They will be no sex, because of his ex’s possible STI, and I have an en suite, so decorum shall be preserved.

I reckon I’ve got to do it some time. It seems as good a time as any. What’s the actual worst that could happen? He buggers off into the ether next week, and I can’t bring another guy home for six months? Well, that’s no different to if I waited six months. I would if I had kid-free time. But I need to work with what I have.

Ok, I’ll be honest, I misread your post and thought she was six years old! 13 is different. Go for it 😁.

(As an extra, what sort of STI test do people do nowadays? And where do you go? What does the test cover? HIV? Herpes? Is it free? How long till you get the results? Etc etc)

@Eeksteek I think you are absolutely nuts to introduce a man to a 13 year old 6 weeks after you met him. Why? Because you want sex? Arrange for her to go for a sleepover then have the man over ffs. These online men are mostly non committal. I’m sorry if I’m going against the trendy grain but am sick of this casual approach to sex online and the fallout on children. Yes, I am single - introduced one man in 4.5 years and he was a crook. I am just glad I didn’t introduce my children to anymore of these sex pests. Think, just think.

@ForestLilac there are free tests through a company called SHL who test for the big ones like HIV and gonorrhoea. They are very efficient and i have used them. With herpes, I understand that you can only test when someone has lesions. That's why it's so widespread.

@Eeksteek agree completely with @Clearasmuck, it's too soon in my eyes, 6 weeks is nothing, you really don't know anyone in 6 weeks. I'd wait 6 months to a year to see whether they are a keeper.

@Eeksteek
I've been pondering on this for you.
I think the right and best thing to do is to have MrPottery over for eats and a movie tonight but not a sleepover. It's too soon as others have said.

@Eeksteek - apologies i usually lurk and don’t post but I think the other thing is to consider what the other parent (your DDs friend) would feel about this? They are obviously fine with their DD staying over with you, but may not be with a man they don’t know ( and you haven’t known for very long)?

They will be no sex, because of his ex’s possible STI, and I have an en suite, so decorum shall be preserved

I think that would worry me more than sleepover ! How recent is this ex and what sti is suspected ?

@Eeksteek just to balance the voices of dissent, I think that I would proceed as you are and go ahead and have the sleepover, albeit being careful and cautious. Otherwise you will never get to be with him in the way that you want and many of the compatibility checks that are enabled through some integration into real life are delayed. You sound hugely sensitive to your daughter’s experience of this and will be able to judge the impact. Good luck!

bliphintime

easy tiger
don’t come in and throw around language like ‘hookers’ and be so judgemental

do you say that about men ? Bet you fucking don’t

women are allowed sex and orgasms
so are single mothers

the worst thing that happens is she tells her DD that ‘mr x , it’s didn’t work out ‘ 🤷‍♀️

@Eeksteek I'm going to ignore being referred to as hooker or easy because God forbid I've had sex with men I've dated and am a woman however it would be too soon to introduce a stranger into my children's space I think. I was with Mr Mason 7 months and only just before we actually ended up breaking up I took the tentative step to allow him over for a curry when the kids were home. Teens didn't even emerge from their rooms and preteen just said a quick hi and bye. I only did that as they knew I was going on holiday with someone. I think @OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss has the right idea if you go ahead - and I agree you do need to consider the fact that you will also have a child who isn't yours there whose parents have allowed them to stay based on knowing you.

Arrange for her to go for a sleepover….where? With whom? Someone I haven’t even met? That she doesn’t want to be with? How is that any better or less risky in any way? Also, she’s going on thirteen, I can’t just dispatch her off to a friends! She organises her own social life.

I AM thinking. How could this this negatively affect her, and why is that risk lower later on? It’s nothing to do with sex. It’s to do with a long drive late at night (I’m positive that in terms of actual risk, an adverse consequence there is statistically much more likely, too). I accept that a succession of guys sleeping over is probably not healthy, but one guy in ten years is hardly a parade. I’m widowed, her father abandoned her (and did much more damage, despite me knowing him for years before I had a child with him. So time is NO protection at all, is it?!) and I’m having a (so far) healthy relationship with an (apparently) good man. How is that negative for her to see? There are no issues ‘replacing’ her father, no (recent) divorce or bereavement trauma. There will be no safeguarding issues - no one will be alone - and no feeling-left-out, because she will have a friend over. I’m not saying it’s risk free, nothing is. I‘m trying to establish what the actual risk of harm is, here. It smacks of misogyny to me.

Sure, he could absolutely be an awful person and do terrible things. Anyone could. But he isn’t going to morph into one at midnight. Why is a sleepover inherently more risky? My kid gets attached to him, and he bails? Much more likely, but I can’t keep dating separate like someone with kid free weekends can. Sooner or later, it will come to this. I’m not moving him in, he’s just staying over.

@Eeksteek

The fact that you're seemingly in two minds about it, i'd err on don't do it. and if I was the parent of your daughter's friend, I would be very upset at that.

I personally think it's far too soon. But with non of the judgement some other posters have attached to their opinion.

Can't believe the judgement going on here! We're not talking about a young child who might become attached to a father figure, it's a teenager who will not be remotely interested because they're wrapped up in themselves! So if it doesn't work out for whatever reason, it's no big deal. It doesn't sound like they're going to be having sex that the child might witness. What are you all so afraid of?
I say, go with your gut feeling. I can't see a problem with it.

So then what’s ok, in your book? Ignoring the ridiculous assumption that I don’t care about my kid and that one sexual relationship in ten years makes me a hooker, which is just ludicrous!

I have an awesome and unusual opportunity to model good boundaries and responsible dating to my daughter. You’d think that way my first consideration is to her, not to me (or him) would show I’m putting her first? I just don’t see that it matters if she knows mum’s having healthy relationships with or doesn’t hate (or is unreasonably terrified) of men. Sounds grown up to me, no?

Wtaf? Why can't she fancy an orgasm?! Aside from the fact that she said they wouldn't be having sex.
I thought this was meant to be a kind helpful thread, not somewhere to attack people.

I thought this was meant to be a kind helpful thread, not somewhere to attack people

you can’t police the internet sadly

it’s a generally a kind place (thread) but you have ZERO ability to prevent it from being negative

which does pose a risk for anyone posting personal stuff

Honestly, I have no idea what’s going on with Mumsnet recently. The default insult seems to be ‘grow up’. Or if you’re in a particularly wordy mood it becomes ‘grow the fuck up’. What has been said that’s indicating some immaturity here?

A grown woman wants to find a partner/boyfriend/husband/whatever. This is a perfectly normal thing to do. The vast majority of relationships involve sex, and it’s easier to do that with an overnight stay. It’s not weird or abnormal or anything. She wasn’t sure re the logistics so she asked here and received a variety of answers which will help her make an informed decision based on her personal circumstances. And that’s somehow wrong?

And last night it went weird, you’ve now got recipes being posted on the sex board, posters calling those on the sex board ‘perverts’ and so on.

I like it here but I’m increasingly realising why I gravitate to Reddit a lot more than I used to. Plus you can downvote inane comments on Reddit so they sink to the bottom, and upvote good ones so they rise to the top.

@Eeksteek really sorry you have had all this grief. I think your plan sounds good and I hope you go through with it. You have done a terrific job bringing up your daughter -you both sound lovely. She will be completely immersed in what she and her friend are doing.
Completely nuts those people getting agitated about what the parents of the other girl might be worried about - nonsense.
Only thing I would be concerned about is this STI ex might have and how long since they last had sex.

Hope you have a lovely evening x

@Eeksteek I think you know your daughter best, and you just go with your super mum's instinct.
My experience of teen girls is that they really don't care as long as it doesn't affect them!

@Eeksteek from your reply it sounds like you had already made up your mind anyway. Pointless asking really, if you want to, do it.

@Eeksteek another delurker. I feel
so strongly about this. Won’t say it. But please consider your daughter’s friend, and also what their parents would think about this. I would be massively pissed off if she was my daughters and I found out the sleepover was under the same roof as a man (come on let’s be honest) you hardly know.