Dating Thread 238 - Sex, Beer and Sausage Rolls (for the lucky ones!)

[OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss]

Hi All welcome to a shiny new thread as we proceed into 2023 with support for those riding the rollercoasters of the world of dating.

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Regarding ex files there’s a fine line

my ex insisted he mentioned her because of custody issues (which kicked off after we met)

I strongly disagreed and felt he was deeply incomplete and needed to STFU about that bitch - and I wasn’t the right person to share his pain with

🤷‍♀️

Thanks @Thisisworsethananticpated I'd prefer to block and forget tbh I've not stayed in touch with any of the many men I've dated over the decades and not about to start with him. I want others to see when I'm online.

Firm but fair and sorry for hurt feels is the way to go. I will send later.
I keep changing my profile pic for MrMakers benefit - various icons I don't want odd MrCars seeing those

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss

you could always send the step message and if he doesn’t stop - block with a clean conscience ?

Thank you for the advice I’ve been given

been mulling it over today and he is genuinely a good man. I’ve never been in a relationship this ‘healthy’ before and I’m never in any doubt about how to feels about me, I feel like a priority etc. he is an open book. I think his problem is he’s a little too open at times

i really don’t want to screw this up by going all guns blazing but I think tonight I will just mention to him that it all sounds like our relationship is a middle finger to her and I won’t be used in a game of oneupmanship. I think he will be horrified about how it’s all come across tbh

MissObsessed

most thinks are manageable when you can talk about them honestly

And to be fair I didn’t 🙈

which drives my responses also

Totally!

my exh was the type who hated me bringing up any feelings i had so i’ve learnt to keep quiet

but on the flip i was involved with a guy for a while before my current bf who i accepted a lot of shit from and did lots of ‘pick me pick me’ stuff when his ex wife kicked off so i’m not prepared to get into a situation like that again

Oncey…you’ve been lovely to Mr Cars. Enough is enough. Please do not answer his message and delete. Keep him blocked.

I replied to him @Mila14 spelling it out as per Steps' suggestion. I said I didn't stay in touch with people I'd dated and now I was seeing someone else I didn't want him seeing when I was online or my profile picture etc.

He replied saying he appreciated the honesty. I now feel I should have written this first as we all know too well that horrible realisation of a blocking or ghosting and wish I'd been more up front with my comms.

You’ve been super kind. I think he needs to move on Oncey

I agree @Mila14 and thought he wouldn't just let it lie when he realised the blocking. Ah well he's blocked on all channels now.

Can I ask those of you in your 50s, roughly how many chats/matches you get in a week?

I feel like I'm getting nowhere.
On pof and match, no one messages me. So I message first but I can see they look at my profile but don't reply.
Or I get a reply but never hear any more.

I haven't had a match on bumble or tinder for weeks.

I've had various friends, male and female, look at my profile and they all say it is good. Up to date photos, interesting text. But I feel something is putting men off.

Or maybe this is just normal for OLD?

In between recent irons @NellyTheCake it was limited to weekly swipings which would be 37543468855 lefts to every one and of those one or two matches. I was looking for quality over quantity and of those I'd chat then get a first date for the following weekend or bin off swiftly if the text or phone chat was pants. I didn't spend much time on the apps too busy but did make sure my profile wording stood out and was funny.

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss
I swipe left on 99% but don't get any matches. The odd one I've had hasn't replied or just talked about themself.

I can't seem to get any chats to move past one or two messages. And that's if they actually reply. Most just look and then ignore.

Not sure how to make my profile funny or to stand out.
It doesn't look any better or worse than the ones I've read.

Maybe I need a male friend to show me what the competition looks like!

@NellyTheCake They are similar statistics to me actually. Maybe you need a profile review by someone who isn’t a friend? They can be too kind to judge and they can fill in the missing parts with what they know about you whereas a stranger won’t. Eg if your profile is too serious a friend might think oh that’s fine, they’ll soon find out how funny she is. I don’t mind having a look if you want. I did it for someone else here a month or two ago.

It's not you it's them @NellyTheCake

I don't think I put much more than my likes (clever humour & great conversation) plus dislikes and 'Are you out there interesting men?'

The boring shite ones are doing you a favour by not engaging as saves you time wasting with them

@ForestLilac
Thanks, I think you're right. My friends changed a few things but nothing major.

If you could give me an honest opinion, that would be great. How can we do that?

@NellyTheCake the last person messaged me here and sent photos via a photo sharing site. Have you ever used imgur? You put photos up, set them to private then only people you give the link to can see them unless you make it public. I’m going to work soon but can have a look later. Try it with a picture of flowers first if you’re unsure of how it works.

@NellyTheCake I'm mid 40s - I don't know how much difference this makes as generally the men I am chatting to are 50-60.

I have written an unusual bio - people often comment on it as it's not what you normally get but then I'm no run of the mill woman and I really wanted to convey that. My photos are supposed to be a mixture of cute, hobby and a couple of daft ones as again trying to show something of my personality.
In terms of likes - at the start I had a lot on all apps (Tinder being the most ridiculous) - I assume this is because I was a new face. I also think a lot of men just like everyone and decide who they are interested in once they have been liked back.
I often have quiet a few chats going as I tend to respond to quite a few messages except those which would be a definite no (men in their 20s and 30s and the ones who are after one thing only - they generally make it clear). But I do get quite a few drop outs from chats - my take on this is that some men (and I am sure we do this as women too) have formed a picture of me in their head from the profile - they ask a question and they decide I'm not quite what they thought.

I would like to know what men look for in a profile - from my perspective - a selection of photos (not just one), a decent bio (no bio just looks lazy), selection of hobbies and activities and the quirk factor.

I'm definitely having a tough time with the ones I am meeting up with. As I tend to go for busy people and am very busy myself. I'm not a great texter and generally I find communication in between dates is hit and miss. To be fair I am a hopeless texter as I don't have any notifications on and have to make time to sit down and respond to messages which happens once or twice a day. Maybe I am setting the pattern off? Or maybe nobody likes me enough?

Re photos , I’ve had a weird thing in that on both sites I ended up in a medium term thing with two men who really ‘fell for ‘ my photo and profile

the rest have been the usual mix of didn’t fancy / didn’t click in chat / sexual too early

what I think is that amongst the 100s , someone is going to say ‘yes I like HER’ and go for it

and the rest is risk , filtering , time wasting

so much time wasting !

Garysmum

i like the no texting attitude
its healthy !

Ok to just have a mini gush about my wonderful romance with fantastic MrMaker?

It's our Fortnightiversary tomorrow (since first date) but we are completely and utterly into one another. I feel like I've met me but in a (gorgeous sexy) manly body. We are incredibly similar. It doesn't feel mad or crazy just completely right and an instant new best friend.
He's interesting/interested, hilarious, caring, insightful, wise, sexy and handsome and loves that I am all these things too.
My loins and my heart ache to see him again and be in his lovely presence (Sat-Sun) but in the meantime we text and chat frequently about all the things and are reading a book together via bedtime video call.

I'm confident this is the thing we all hoped to find on OLD. Actually I never actually imagined it would happen, hoped but didn't expect.

BUUUUUUUUUT it is ridiculously early days and The Rules should still apply so I should be being way more guarded and circumspect but can cope with the fall out if he does turn out to be not the man I believe he is.

Garysmum
That's interesting that you are chatting to men 50-60. My cut off is 62 and even that is a bit old for me. I find men in their late 50s, early 60s are a bit boring.

I'm a busy person and quite sporty. But men my age and older just seem to watch tv and go to the pub with their mates.

I agree with limiting texting. I'm not a fan of sitting on the apps til midnight trying to extract myself from a chat because I need my sleep 😆

@ForestLilac have pm'd you, thanks

unfortunately, I think this is experience for many of us in our 50s I had the same issue ( pretty common for men on OLD really ) and could only assume that there were lots of grey-haired boring middle-aged fiftysomething men and I was just being lost in a sea (sack) of potato heads.

I did get some advice from this thread (under a different user name), and reworked my profile & pics, ( helped slightly), but ultimately I think it’s down to supply & demand, lots of us in ours 50s are looking for something or someone and there is not much real demand for us (that was certainly how I felt), while I don’t feel consigned to the relationship scrap heap right now, I certainly feel like I’m moving in that direction, maybe Im in the foyer.

I read about what and others have found and how happy they seem and I don’t honestly think I’m going to find that, ever.

@NoDatingForOldMen best of luck with your dating - however i wouldn't compare yourself to others - history has proved that online dating goes in peaks and troughs and what appears amazing, nearly always falters/has flaws which you aren't seeing yet. I'm sure people thought the same when you talked so fondly about Miss Noshow. Everything sounds amazing early on. This thread wouldn't exist in 236 iterations if everyone immediately found the ONE.