Dating Thread 238 - Sex, Beer and Sausage Rolls (for the lucky ones!)

[OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss]

Hi All welcome to a shiny new thread as we proceed into 2023 with support for those riding the rollercoasters of the world of dating.

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Those who've been following my story - long time before he felt confident with intimacy - now fumbling towards fully satisfactory situation, but, regarding the destination, getting there v is half the fun...

@VanillaSox and @NoDatingForOldMen 😂😂😂😂
Love those!

@Mollymolloy you are way too good for moany frostie sciaticary MrP and his weirdie ways

@NellyTheCake is that a professional no-no or knowing about his misdemeanours make him a non contender?

Ooohhh… Matthew Hussey is doing a live dating podcast tomorrow called ‘Dating with results’… it is 90mins of dating wisdom. You need to register ‘dating with results.com’ beforehand...

TBH, my dating life couldn’t get much worse… 🤔

Thanks @OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss!!!
😊

Mollymolloy

i can’t believe he still texting about his sciatica !!! You must have ruined him that one night you had
seriously 🙈

NellyTheCake

thats annoying (bumping in )
benefit of my large and populous city is we all disappear 👻

sit on hands and do not message

Right first date #9 done. Lovely guy. No spark.

Still pining after asshole #8

So have deleted myself off all the apps totally and taking a complete break. Just can't handle it just now. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, I don't think anything but yes, my self esteem is shot away.

So, healthier to leave it all for now. Concentrate on myself for a bit. TBH still getting over #8, I know he was so rude but...
And it's because of that 'but' I'm taking a break.

I've lived for decades in an abusive relationship and now I'm pining for someone who is literally waving red flags in front of my eyes.

This shows me I'm not in the right place. I'm incredibly low which is making me vulnerable and happy to accept any attention. So, fuck it, I'm going with self preservation instead of sabotage and leaving.

Thanks all for your support. I'll keep an eye on here. Particularly thanks to the poster who has been DMing me with massive support.

Good luck all of you lovely people. You all deserve the best, whatever that looks like.

@Definitelycross that's a shame re #9 and a bigger shame re #8 as he did look and feel so promising for a while until he showed himself to be a twazzack

If it were me instead of coming off the apps which I know you have already done now I'd just stay away from them so leave my profile up there but just not bother logging in to swipe. This way any good people will see you and swipe and be waiting for you in a few weeks if/when you come back.

I got the impression there are precious few good people on the apps at the mo whether that's a winter thing or something else who knows.

You've given it a tremendous shot with your run of nine first dates.

The fact you spotted and walked out on the #8 red flag is all credit to you and how fabulous you are and please don't think bad or worried about yourself given past relationships with wrong 'uns.

You don't NEED a man. Having a period where you make yourself and your needs the number one priority in your life is the right thing to do.

But I still believe you have to be in it (OLD) to win it even if it is half hearted and ambivalent like I was after my run of not-right-for-me irons (June-Jan). I think i reported on here that I was doing active swiping once a week for not very long (long enough for 7286556737766 left swipes to every one!) chatting to the resultant one for as long as it took to work out he didn't meet my must-haves then staying away until the next weeks swiping session.

Look after yourself and well done for all your OLD efforts. It's exhausting. Time out is good.

Oooh thanks just signed up!

@Definitelycross self preservation is an absolute must, and absolute points for recognising that you need to take this step. I’m a complete stranger and I know you’re worth more than that complete thundercunt.

Spend time with friends and those who think you’re awesome to remind yourself of your worth daily 🥰🥰

Hi all. Been a lurker for a while and would like some advice please on whether I’m completely overthinking this

been with my bf for around 6 months. His ex hurt him badly and mine was a complete narcissist so we have a lot of navigating to
do in our relationship. We’ve always said that we would be upfront about stuff, esp me as my ex gaslit me a lot

he was at mine for valentines and his ex came up 3 times

1st time - talking about winning the lottery and he said his ex would be gutted to hear he had millions

2nd time - was telling me how he never thought he would find someone better after her but he has in me

3rd time - said he’d heard from someone that she was engaged to the guy she left him for. Then started saying they were asking if he had someone and he said yes etc but it felt like he was using our relationship as a bit of oneupmanship 🤷🏻‍♀️

when he mentioned the engagement I did say why do you care?? And he mumbled something and we carried on cooking dinner

in my last relationship I learnt quickly not to mention being upset about things so it’s hard for me to bring these things up but they’ve played on my mind all night. Do I talk to him about it today?

relationship is fab in all other ways. He is attentive, tells me he loves me all the time, very open about everything. I think I’m just scared of getting hurt but I also don’t want to ruin this relationship by bringing old trauma into it ☹️

Definitelycross

bear In mind that when pining for 8 , and then meeting a nice 9 who you don’t fancy you will pine for 8 even more ! Been there …

but given how it’s impacted you , I’d say a break after 9 dates is VERY smart

its spring soon , focus some of that dating energy in YOU - all those hours on the apps ? Focus them in whatever self care you need

stay here please , read and hang

stay here please , read and hang
Yes please do -this is the loveliest community

MissObsessed

ah the perils of dating older is the EX FILES
Jesus

my ex was deeply incomplete about his divorce whereas I’m fairly peaceful (now )

I’d nip it in the bud early knowing what I know now

‘look I get that you are processing your split and that’s totally human ! But when you bring up your ex all the fucking time it makes me feel second best and like there is another woman in this ? Then eye ball him

he also needs to do his own exorcism and you are not his therapist

its totally reasonable to say this

Thank you!

I’m going to have a chat with him tonight I think

I’m the type to usually just say whatever is on my mind. I really don’t think he realises he’s doing it but I’m not prepared to be his therapist like you say, deal with this shit or take some time out of relationships until you’re ready 🤷🏻‍♀️

Deffy, agree with Worsy… you think more about Mr8 because Mr 9 wasn’t what you look for. I am a great believer of taking profile off and have a complete break. Take a good rest from apps and work on yourself , get fitter Deffy and soothe your MH
You will come back stronger and with more clarity about what you need and want
OLD is really hard… these last months we have gone through a lot but there are good news too and we need to stay hopeful

how long did it take between him breaking up with girlfriend and going with out with you?
I don’t think it’s normal bringing up ex three times in Valentine’s date . I think he sounds like he’s not over her but has no choice as she’s move on and getting married.
the comment about his ex being livid if he had millions through lottery means he feels he wasn’t good enough for her or ge was made to feel he wasn’t successful enough. There he is thinking of poetic justice to make her ex feel bad about leaving him
I am sure you need a conversation but I would just try to enjoy myself for the moment.
I am older than you and have already done the wedding and the kids and fertility combo so I live and let live
If I was younger and looking for the dad of my kids… this is a difficult situation and I am sorry you are having to deal with it
I remember many cases of guys being dropped by their girlfriends and marrying someone quick on the rebound … you know there is a conversation to be had but I can’t tell you if that’s going to make a dent in your current situation
Best wishes and you need to know you are not second best or someone nice to settle with

Great advice, thanks

he was single for 7 months before we met, so they’ve been separated for just over a year

i already have children who I’m hoping he will meet soon and not looking to have any more children.

he called me earlier just for a chat at work but all I could think of was having that conversation. I think I need to give him the chance to realise what he’s been doing and then leave him to mull that over. I feel really down about it all because I think I know deep down that he isn’t over it all but what will be will be I suppose

Small query going back to the should I block previous iron (MrCars) well I did do this at the weekend as I really hated the idea of
(a) his annoying texts pinging in when I was with my latest iron MrMaker - not appropriate

and

(b) the idea of Cars observing my constant 'online' WhatsApp status given the volume and frequency of textual comms with MrMaker - felt stalkery and unprivate and I wasn't up for it.

This thread empowered me with helpful supportive statements like i get to control who and who doesn't get to contact me via phone.

Every time I thought of him I felt the return of the ick so blocked and knew it would be a horrible realisation for him but hey ho we've all been on the receiving end of some ghosting etc sometimes whilst in an actual relationship.

He's now emailed me asking why I've blocked him and how he's very sorry for causing hurt and he won't contact me again if I don't reply

Do I (a) reply and state "you annoy the fuck out of me and now I have a new beau I don't want to be contacted by you or you see when I'm online thanks hence the blocking" (b) ignore and don't reply

I feel a bit bad (but also annoyed that he couldn't just think 'Oh I've been blocked. That's weird. Ah well')

@MissObsessed if you like this guy in most other ways then I would address it as a ‘sometimes I notice that you do this’ kind of a way and see his reaction. Hopefully he will reassure you and address it going forward. He may not realise that he’s doing it- or rather the impact it is having on you.It sounds like he’s processing things, some people are better at ( or need to) shutting the door firmly on the past.

As an alternative view @MissObsessed I had a long term iron who got seriously pissed off that I mentioned my ex. My ex who was being a horror to our kids and me and I'd spent 20+ years with. To not mention him would have been odd but the fact that this guy had issues with me mentioning was the beginning of the end for us. Along with loads of other stuff!

@OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss I have been in these situations before and it really depends on the person and why they’re questioning the blocking. I think a degree of simple honesty would suffice- I’m dating someone new and I feel on balance what works best for me is to keep moving forward. As we met in a dating context it feels best to draw a line under what we had.

I bloody love that @Stepcount it's perfect. He's a good man who doesn't deserve to be treated badly or rudely I will send that. Thanks so much!

MissObsessed

it might not be all over
but after 6 months it’s totally ok to flag this and ask this

he needs to have a think 🤔 and basically stfu and get a therapist if that’s needed !!!

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss

agree he’s a nice man and deserves a firm and fair response rather than a blocking (what step suggested )

you can also change WhatsApp status to not show online