Dating Thread 238 - Sex, Beer and Sausage Rolls (for the lucky ones!)

[OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss]

Hi All welcome to a shiny new thread as we proceed into 2023 with support for those riding the rollercoasters of the world of dating.

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Glad that you are back @nevertakeadvicefromsomeonewhosfallingapart.. stay strong, my friend!!

Worsy…it’s a really important discovery you have found your feelings were misguided. I think you have gone from grieving a gone relationship in which you were invested to a new phase that is more analytical and where you are really seeing things properly…the good and the bad.
How are you feeling these days ?

It’s not. It really is not. You and Mr Maker fancy each other A LOT

My beef with MrCars is that you really didn’t fancy him Oncey. You tried hard to like him and went on about people being different and you not dating your type blah blah… you did not fancy him. You just can’t fall in love with a lovely and super bloke you do NOT fancy. We are sexual beings and so are they. No sexy sexy Fanny gallops…no falling crazy for someone. It is brilliant if the guy has your sense of humour and is articulate or enjoys what you do…but let’s be honest please.

Nevery…lovely to see you back and onwards and upwards. Lurk all you want. We send you massive hugs 🤗 and want to make sure you understand bad stuff can and happens to all of us who date and risk our hearts out there. This is living too. We all need/needed to put ourselves out there at some point and risk/risked being hurt but we DARE and want to feel happy/in love/ in sexy liaison or whatever we want

That's a beautiful piece of writing @Mila14 and so true. It is living. And risky. We all learned a lot from @nevertakeadvicefromsomeonewhosfallingapart and the trauma that played out.

Mila14

look if he texted and said ‘I’ve changed , I want to make this work ‘ I’d be open to it
i still have feelings for him

but I’m not messaging him and have NO hope I’ll ever hear from him again

I’m also jealous and insecure and obsessive and I need to bottom that out tbh

like why did he fuck my brain so much ? That cannot happen again

so sitting on that bench for the foreseeable
but there is also calmness - it’s nice not thinking about someone all the fucking time

That is the thing Worsy…we can’t change another person. We can compromise and change a few bits ( drinking a bit less, exercising a bit more, trying to do more activities together…that sort of NOT PERSONAL DEEP STUFF). We can’t change the way they relate to us or the way their personality works… I think you got super jealous and everything else because the way he treated you in part but also because you didn’t feel good enough to nail his heart. I can relate to that Worsy. I am no longer jealous because I feel a lot better about myself. When you feel a bit stronger and love yourself a bit more…you no longer need to measure up to anyone and you let go of many insecurities
Look at yourself a bit more now and start dating when you feel a bit stronger or just date whenever but understanding your MH comes number 1

Thank you 🥰. I believe every word I wrote

I think @Mila14 is on to something here @Thisisworsethananticpated being with someone actually compatible beings out the best in us and conversely being with someone not right for us can make us feel insecure and jealous and obsessive. I've been there myself and it's not nice having aspects of your personality that you don't like being activated.

Thanks mila
you are right , and he really messed with my mental health as how he was made me feel LESS
and it’s not his fault 100% as he really liked me on some level !

but also people don’t change on that base level
and he was the first ❤️ For a long while so some mess was inevitable

sigh 😔

it's not nice having aspects of your personality that you don't like being activated

yes ! You feel shit AND you hate yourself on top
awful 😞

Worsy…this is fucking awful

why did he fuck my brain so much ? That cannot happen again

it’s really unnecessary, no matter what type of relationship you have, FWB, partner, lover…this is just what we need to learn… no one should be fucking with our MH honestly

@Mila14 thank you.

Mila14

well this is why I’m pausing

but it did shock me as reverted back to my no boundaries 27 year old self again in a way that I didn’t like

that said there is a thread where people are really strongly not happy with men after their OLD experience

I don’t hate men ! I’m quite fond of them . But need to manage this all better …..

Yesterday at dinner we were seated next to two late 20/early 30 men

both quite handsome and one was very loudly speaking abiut his dating experiences (complaining !) but it made me laugh a bit

but he was saying ‘meeting the one’ and I think it’s sweet that at the base level that’s what so many people want (or think they want )

Thisisworsethananticpated
Sending you lots of love. I joined the thread after your break up but you have been so supportive to me.
We seem to have gone through a similar experience. Your earlier post, why did he fuck my brain so much?, really resonanted with me.

I've lost my self confidence and my belief in myself after Mr MindReader promised me a future then, without warning, took it away.

You seem really strong and have a good understanding of how to deal with what happened.
I really hope you find the right person who can appreciate you.

I was like that too - I've come out of this experience more strong in some ways but totally and utterly insecure in others.

It's the rejection from people you initially thought weren't good enough for you. That sounds awful but it's true. Ones you think should be like - ohmygod I'm so lucky then they don't want to see you.

I feel I have reverse body dysmorphia as I look in the mirror and think - fuck yeah Deffy you're hot. When maybe I'm actually really grim.

But divorce court this week coming and that has me the lowest I've been since we split so I can't think rationally and I'm so glad I've deleted all my OLD profiles for now.

My self esteem is shook and I need to be kinder to myself.

Yep got you totally 🤗🤗🤗

Deffy…stay strong for divorce court. Are you more or less agreed? Just sending you waves of TLC and get that choccie near you, buy nice flowers and pick a nice movie or silly programme. I think if you see yourself looking really lovely….half the battle of insecurities is totally won. You will be in a better mental space after a break and a whole new profile beckons

NellyTheCake

ah thanks so much x

and sweetheart - woman with any sense would have walked a lot earlier in my situation

I had people in this thread warning me about him months and months ago !!

im good now but I am looking back at how upset I got and I’m like WTAF

Definitelycross

sending much strong and calming vibes your way for this week 🙈

I don’t think you have body dysmorphia

i do think you are very bruised however

remember that hot (married not seperated ) one wanted to shag you !

and if you feel bad about yourself some exercise is an excellent destress and mood lifter

Worsy…leaving totally someone you are in love with is very hard. I could not do it totally either. I thought it would have been hypocritical of me to lecture you about leaving him because I could not stop seeing MrEx (and snogging and having sex with him)
I think we have a time when things cannot longer work or when we decide the hurt is bigger than the pleasure. Only you knew when to say stop. Only you knew when to pause and resume. These matters of the heart are very complicated.
You are looking amazingly composed and doing what’s right for you

No. We haven't spoken or seen each other since the split.

I don't know what to expect. My solicitor said just turn up, I'm thinking this is just the initial date 🤷‍♀️

I feel sick as anything at the thought of facing him. As we went for adultery instead of abuse the judge won't have any knowledge of the history. STBXH is incredibly manipulative. I feel that I'm back where I was.

But wrong thread for this.

Mila14
Worsy…leaving totally someone you are in love with is very hard. I could not do it totally either. I thought it would have been hypocritical of me to lecture you about leaving him because I could not stop seeing Ex

with you and MrEx it’s been a lot of years. Yeah you met post toxic divorce and went through covid .but there’s a solid loyalty and foundation no ? And who can blame anyone for a bit of the black dog after covid and divorce . I’m not minimising bad behaviour . But the black dog visits us all sadly and it’s very hard to live with

i find male depression very hard
but I’m a woman 😂

so iNO - i wouldn’t have found it hypocritical

but I can see why you might think that

Oookay. So I definitely have form for being somewhat reckless and impulsive, so I’m asking for perspective.

I’m thinking of inviting MrPottery to stay the night tomorrow here. Obviously, I have DD. But I will ALWAYS have DD. Her father has been dead since she was six and she hasn’t see him since she was three. It’s not an issue. Granny lives in Spain and she never has sleepovers. Ever. I have no child free nights or weekends. Ever. It’s going to come to this sooner or later, I can’t keep dating separate from her like a normal divorcee. I’m only thinking of modelling responsible dating, really. He’s been around for six weeks, seems like a great guy, and doesn’t pressure me for anything at all. If issues come up he just says ‘when you feel comfortable, you’ll know’ and leaves it to me. Tomorrow, we are going out for the day and DD is bringing a friend who will sleep over. I asked how she felt about MrPottery sleeping over, and she was just ‘whatever. Can we have popcorn?’ I vaguely mentioned the spare room and she said ‘wouldn’t he sleep in your room? Can we have ice cream?’ I was non-committal. But if she doesn’t care and I think it’s on me, does it matter? I can’t decide. It feels right to me, but it looks wrong. Why is that?! With DD it’s always a question of finding the right moment, and I think this is it. Obviously, there is the what-if-he-bails and it turns into a revolving door problem, but no number of months gives you a guarantee, does it? Anyway, that’s tomorrow’s trouble, and entirely within my control.

She has no experience of this. It will only be a big deal if I make it one, I think. She’s at the barely-ever-leaves-her-room-unless-bribed-with-junk-food stage anyway, and would probably not notice if I had the entire London Philharmonic sleeping over, frankly. Especially if she has popcorn and unlimited bloody tic toc. I’m overthinking it, I think. It’s always such a fine line between considering her feelings and allowing her input on decisions that aren’t healthy for her to make. (It probably feels like bloody forever to her anyway!)

Your thoughts, daters? Am I nuts?!