Dating Thread 238 - Sex, Beer and Sausage Rolls (for the lucky ones!)

[OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss]

Hi All welcome to a shiny new thread as we proceed into 2023 with support for those riding the rollercoasters of the world of dating.

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Quick update. Spent all yesterday evening and today with MrBike. He slept at mine. Sex was amazing, great evening out, but I didn't sleep very well, feeling overwhelmed now.

Checking in after a rollercoaster weekend which Ineed to process pre posting... 😁

Can you describe what feels different about his comms? I know our instinct is rarely wrong on these matters.

It's so frustrating.

Ohhh…I hope it’s all lovely with Mr Serb!

Beepbeep…you guys are in love…🥰♥️

@Mila14 can you tell him that?! 😂 I don't know, he also told me tonight that I was talking too much 😬 or more accurately I said, I'm talking too much aren't I, and he said he didn't want to lie, yes 😬 feels a bit crap tbh. I'm not sure if he'll be able to commit, I don't even know if he's off the apps. It was so intense this weekend. I need to sleep because I'm shattered and then get some perspective tomorrow I think.

Oh, I have been such an idiot, @5thWisdom!!
After a night of steamy sex last night, his txts are few and far between and very matey. I have been playing sport today and said that I am having a long, hot bath to relive my achy muscles, to which he replied… ‘that’s lovely, enjoy!’!!

Why is it so difficult!! I am a nice person and genuinely looking for a relationship. I just feel used and stupid!!

This is definitely a 'match his energy' moment.

No long, intricate responses to his matey texts.

Let him do the following up and chasing.

@5thWisdom, I have reactivated my Bumble account, which he would be able to see.

I said that I would book the table for Tuesday night. To be fair, he has arranged our first 3 dates. I have booked the table but, I haven’t told him.

As you say, I will match his energy…

That's pants @Mollymolloy sorry to hear that. It's really crappy when that happens. You notice instantly. Good for you for matching his energy.

Nothing doing here. Vaguely swiping every few days but after 816783851578296515456772 left swipes to every one I don't do it for long. When the 1 right swipe results in a match the ensuing conversation is shockingly lacklustre. At which point I don't bother writing back.

Maybe everyone is staying cosy for winter.

I started a martial arts course today which was ace and put together some flat packed furniture and talked to some far flung besties plus hung out with teens and made nice food.
All good. Just a bit lonely I guess without someone to flirt and chat with.

had My date with very very young man

we got intimate (not sex ) too fast which I now regret

and he’s lovely and very handsome and delightful

but I just missed Balkan , his smell and his body and HIM

was too good to be true that I’d have the same chemistry with someone else so fast

we live and learn
all those websites and advice saying take some time to heal
it’s true

Mollymolloy

match energy
and don’t text him
I’m sorry 😞

hope it was good sex at least

I almost ended my Apps hiatus this weekend but this is exactly how I think it would be for me.

Time consuming and ultimately fruitless.

I feel exactly the same though - miss that flirty contact. Meh.

Don't dwell on the regret my lovely.

Don't overthink it either.

Enjoy the attention what was this weekend. Sounds lush to me!

January is almost over! Daffodils are in the shops. Know Balkan wasn't the be all or end all.

Be gentle on yourself now.

How do you proceed after a few dates? In my case, now eight dates over three weeks, speaking just about every day, fantastic sex. I know it's not been very long, but it feels very intense, I think to both of us. When would you expect some sort of commitment, maybe telling your family members you're dating the other, or .. I don't know really 🤷‍♀️

It's been a long time since I've started a new relationship. I have intense feelings right now, but I don't want to scare him away, but am having to watch everything I say to make sure I'm not too intense.

I don't want to be the first one to say something, because I know how awful I'll feel if he says nothing or even "I don't feel like that".

Just looking for something to compare with I guess.

@Mollymolloy

How did things end when you left his house?

Have you messaged about the stay over and the sex?

When you were together was there any mention of Tuesday?

Does he have the fear/anxiety after sex too?

Don't regret anything, if he just wanted you for sex he would end things whatever date it happened after.

I haven't posted my advice lately which I know many people find helpful when thinking about commitment:

Nowadays the questions you need to ask to establish things are IMHO:

1. Are you on the apps? You may need to expand on this as he may think having a profile but not logging in means he is off it. Also is his profile hidden or deleted?

1. Is he multi dating? Not multi dating doesnt mean you are boyfriend/girlfriend, it just means he isnt dating others?

Does he envisage he wants to multidate now or in the future?

1. Are you exclusive? This is different to the boyfriend/girlfriend question. Is he chatting/flirting/sexting/emotionally or physically intimate with anyone else?

Some people think exclusive is sexual exclusivity but I think sexting others is not an exclusive behaviour.

1. What are you? Casually dating? Going with the flow? Boyfriend/girlfriend?

Lots in between all those too.

1. For further down the line....what do you think is cheating? It is important that you have similar views on what constitutes cheating and what is acceptable behaviour.

Think about what you want now and in the future and your answers to those questions and then ask him.
If you're intimate already then questions 1 -3 are perfectly fine to ask for now.

Question 4 can come later or if 1 - 3 go well.

@SortingItOut thank you, that's very helpful. Not sure I've got the nerve to ask yet, but if the conversation goes that way at some point I'll ask.

@Mollymolloy sorry you're feeling down at moment because of your irons change in coms but I agree with @SortingItOut and you shouldn't beat yourself up. Hopefully he's just processing and will come back.

My iron from friday has ghosted. He initially said he wasn't sure we wanted same thing as wanted someone all in. I replied that looking for relationship but not looking to jump into moving in etc whilst my kids young. He said that he understood that and would love to see me again. He then suggested an evening he knew I couldn't do in week as I have a hobby on that night so I said unfortunately not that one but free any other and I've heard no more so think he was testing whether I'd drop things for him. So have unmatched and will delete.

Started chatting with 2 new irons yesterday 😁

@Slothmomma you’re better off without someone who expects you to drop your only hobby night for them I think! Could be a warning sign that they might become controlling.

@beepbeepme for comparison, after about a month my current bf Mr Beard, who I met on OLD, said he was coming off the apps and had the going exclusive convo. Which made it easier on me as I didn’t need to bring it up! What I brought up was getting tested for STIs, we both did that to be on safe side.

Just another view on @SortingItOut sage advice re seeing where you are with intense all-in datings.

Personally I couldn't bear bringing up those topics. I'd find it contrived and excruciating tbh.

Also even if they bring up the 'are we exclusive?' or 'I've deleted all the dating apps' and 'I love you' it can all change in weeks anyway so is not guarantee of anything.

Sorry to be so doomy and gloomy but in my humble opinion all you can do is be brave enough to talk 'what do you make of this' but gird loins and enjoy the ride (<<< pun intended) and know that it is all data gathering on both sides at this stage. How do they or you act in certain scenarios adds up to be someone you want to stay with or maybe not (and vice versa).

There's no way to fast track this data gathering and it takes at least 6 months in my experience.

Was that the shockingly young one @Slothmomma? Gosh you are bold doing the delete and block so swiftly good for you if you knew in your heart you weren't a good match.
Well done for two new irons already.

@beepbeepme he's probably having the same thoughts as you are. If you don't talk about it then you will be left wondering "what is this?" and for me that would leave me feeling unsettled. He may or may not give you the answer you are looking for but at least you will know where you stand.

I wouldn't tell family until I was sure that you were both committed to trying to make a go of it as it's just too many questions!!

Thanks @Slothmomma.

Sorry to hear about your iron. You definitely did the right thing. Next….