34 weeks pregnant and he's been texting escorts

[Yrmyfavourite]

Hello,

I am 34 weeks pregnant. My sisters husband has just been found to have been 'sexting' other women and today, I saw a video saying if you click edit on iphone messages, you can see recently deleted. I've never wanted to look through DH's phone before but, tonight he asked me to plug his phone in to charge and for some reason (I don't know if it was the shock of my sisters seemingly perfect husband getting caught out or just curiosity from the video i had seen) i decided to have a look and see if there were any messages in there.

He works with cars and always saves customers names as car and name as it's easier for him to find them in future. There were 4 messages to 'Alfa Amy' from 17 days ago, at 1:30am... I recovered them and immediately regretted this as, I saw four messages, which read as follows;

Looking good
Love the curves
Where you at
Where you at

All from him, no response to any.

Also, another number which wasn't saved from the same time. And he has sent "looking good Lucy" - again, no response.

I asked him straight away who she was and he started with the "who, what are you talking about" I read them out and he laughed and said "Oh it was me and my mate messing around, it's just some escort thing, it's nothing"

After pressing him about it and going on my own messages, I found that his friend had gone home hours before these messages and he had messaged me around the same time saying "I'll sleep on the sofa and let you get some rest" (I had been struggling to sleep, being pregnant and a light sleeper and he is a snorer)

He maintains that there was nothing in it and he had no intention of sneaking out to meet anyone or anything like that. He says he found the website because, his boss told him about it and says he messages girls on it. He says he saved her as that name in his phone so she would be at the top, so he could show the messages to his boss and is adamant that it was a joke and thinks I am overreacting.

My whole body is shaking and I don't know how to feel about it. On one hand, I don't believe he would ever cheat on me and go and meet anyone but, it's just the secrecy and the fact I’m laid upstairs like a beached whale at 34 weeks pregnant whilst he messages these girls. I genuinely don't think he's done it more than once.

I don't really know what sort of advice I am looking for. I'd wouldn't leave him over something like this, especially given we have a little one already and another on the way in a matter of weeks. I just think I need to talk this out with someone and I don't want to tell any of my friends or family about it.

Thanks in advance! X

[TicketBoo23]

*their dd's

[TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit]

Stop trying to label him as a narcissist. You are tying yourself in to knots for the wrong reasons.

He could very well just be an abusive, cheating prick. There are plenty of them around.

You need to feel safe in your home and your babies need to be safe. Is he going to be your safety in future? No.

And you're trying to get everyone else to make your decisions FOR you. If they agreed that he was awful, then you would leave him. That's not how it works.

Have a little think about why you have so little confidence in your own ability to see the wood for the trees. Has he eroded your confidence in yourself?

If so, that there is enough reason not to stay with him. The violence and aggression are also enough. He really, really is not a nice person. A nice person would NOT do ANY of these things.

[BunchHarman]

Jesus Christ. No wonder you don’t know which way is up.

At the core of it, as I see it, is this:

He is violent.

He’s has previously hit you. In public.

He’s taken to being aggressive with you again, this time while you’re pregnant.

He gets pissed every Thursday night, and again at weekends.

He messages these women on these piss up nights.

He often doesn’t come home until the next morning, with no explanation of where he’s been, and in too much of a state to be able to attend work.

He’s isolating you from friends and family.

He gaslights you into misremembering how things occurred: see reframing his aggressive attack on you as a ‘fight’ in which you were as responsible as he.

He’s minimising his disgusting actions with these messages.





Do better for you and your children. This man is a disgusting abuser. I’m sorry your family aren’t helping, but I suspect they’re trying to not alienate you.

[TicketBoo23]

He gets pissed every Thursday night, and again at weekends.

Yeah, I forgot to mention that, getting sidetracked by the dodgy "messaging" and aggression/violence.

[MrNook]

Sorry OP but I think you're an absolute mug for going back, you know full well you're not just "co-parenting under the same roof" you haven't broken up.

You worry about your daughter resenting you for breaking up her family. No she won't but I can guarantee when she's older she'll resent you for staying with a violent cheater. You need to be setting a better example for her.

Plenty of mums manage raising two children alone, it won't be easy but it's completely possible

[Supernova18]

Please, please think long and hard. My ex was on dating events when I was pregnant, I took him back....my daughter was 7 weeks and he left. Woman after woman and now he is with his ex.

It is hard, but hes showing his colours and I wish I would have just done it alone.

[Ghostbuster2639]

As a parent I’ve been in this position and it’s very difficult. I cannot tell you how heartbreaking it is to know your child is being abused and there’s really nothing you can do about it.

Your parents are probably furious and extremely upset but won’t want to risk isolating you or their grandchild. They are in a very difficult position. It sounds like you want them to make the decision for you, but ultimately you must decide yourself.

Im going to be blunt and say I don’t think it’s appropriate for you to involve your husband in any more get togethers with your family. It really is too much to expect them to host him, to be polite to him, and to collude and pretend that everything is ok when it isn’t.

Many families do this because they don’t know what else to do and the professional advice is to continue being supportive so they can keep an eye on things.

My view is that this approach needs reviewing because I believe it’s dangerous. The abuse is disclosed and instead of there being consequences the victim’s family continue to be supportive and welcoming to the abuser. Therefore in the abusers eyes, the abuse is now sanctioned by the abusers family and the likelihood is that the abuse will escalate.

What does this say to victims like yourself when families continue to be supportive to these men? You are now doubting yourself because your family haven’t reacted with the outrage that you have expected. Be assured that they are outraged, but are afraid and probably advised not to express it.

If I had my time again I would tell my dd that while it is her choice to stay in a relationship with an abusive person, I do not wish to have a relationship with him and he’s not welcome in my home. That’s my choice and I don’t have to collude and pretend he’s a nice man when he’s not. I believe this would have modelled much better boundaries for her.

Of course your parents don’t want him there. They probably hate him. They are talking about sleepovers and trips because they’ve swallowed the nonsense that doing so will create a protective ring around you. It doesn’t and wont.

The consequences of abusive relationships affect families as a whole.This visit will be dysfunctional. Your parents will be welcoming to him and no one will address the elephant in the room.

It really wasn’t fair to put your mum in the position of saying he wasn’t welcome. She would have been worried that could cause problems for you. Instead acknowledge that while you want to stay in this relationship, the truth is it is not supported by your family.

Don’t take him. Don’t put your parents in the position where they have to be polite and welcoming to the man who abuses their daughter. And don’t put him in the position where he thinks your family are ok with his abuse. Because that’s what he will take from it.

[Yrmyfavourite]

Update number 1:

I feel like I’m losing my mind.

This is the message I just sent to my mum and sister;

- I’ve been so worn out and mentally/physically drained that I pretty much did nothing the last two days when DD was at preschool I mostly just laid on the sofa and cried. So today, despite having DD at home with me, I did loads of washing and cleaned and I even text DH and told him I’d managed to do a load of jobs today and when he got home I felt rubbish so I laid on the sofa with DD and put a film on and told him I felt really nauseous and tired. He said yeah I don’t feel well either. We have no food in so on his way home he stopped and got a ready meal pasta for me and got himself a steak and after we put DD to bed I was just hanging up another load of washing in the kitchen and DH came in and started to make tea and he opened the dishwasher and did a big sigh and slammed it shut again. I realised he was annoyed that I hadn’t turned it on yet but it wasn’t full. I'd only gotten around to emptying it and putting the dirty stuff in a couple of hours prior. I asked what was wrong and he said “every night the dishwasher is full and I can’t put anything in it” and I said well I’ve only just emptied and refilled it and he said well there was nothing on the side when I got home so you haven't 'only just' done it. I said but even if I had put it on it would still be going now and he said well not if you had done it hours ago. So I went to get a tablet and turn it on and he said 'well it’s pointless doing it now - I may as well just put this stuff in it when I’ve finished cooking.'

So I just said I don’t want my tea yet and took the washing out of the room to finish hanging it up. Then he text me saying 'sorry if that was grumpy - I’m a bit tired and don’t feel well.'** I replied saying I was having an early night and he replied "Why are you being like this?"

I feel like I’m seeing the way he is now. Usually he would do that and I’d not say anything to him but I feel like I’ve realised how he tries to make me feel shit. I’ve done loads today despite feeling shite emotionally and also struggling to walk cause baby is sat on my nerves again and he knows that. I’m literally still doing jobs in front of him and he’s trying to make me feel shit because there’s one job I haven’t managed to do. Today was a good day despite the way I’m feeling because adhd makes finishing one job hard never mind the amount I have actually managed to do today like put away all of his clothes, tidy marleys bedroom etc all whilst still managing to play with her all day and grow a human.* - end of text -

Mum:* You should have asked me to help you today xx

Me: I know when I said this before mum said he definitely isn’t but I honestly think he’s a narcissist. I think about what you both say when you say you darent say anything to me incase it pushes me away. I feel like he’s isolated me. From friends as well as family, I have a lot of friends I’m not friends with anymore since being with DH and now I think I’m quite happy being alone a lot and like to stay home. I always say it’s nice to have the time on my own when he’s off to the pub etc but I never used to be that introverted. I hardly see anyone except you guys and he’s usually trying to question when I do see you or others anyway. Like he tells me it wastes fuel going to (hometown where mum and sis live) all the time but if I didn’t then I wouldn’t see anyone. We moved away from you all.

I keep seeing videos pop up about narcissists (I think my phone is listening to my thoughts) and I’m like yeah that’s exactly how I feel

Mum: I know how tiring it is being pregnant, I’m happy to help xx

Sister: We are here to help always you know this. We did it for you when DD was a baby. That’s what family are for. We love you always x x

Me: Why are you ignoring what I just said? Do you disagree?

Mum: You know how you feel and you know him better than us xx

Me: You're all making me feel like I am crazy?

Neither of them have since replied to this message.



I hear all of your previous messages saying it's not their decision etc. I'm not angry with them, I'm confused and I’m looking for some validation because, I genuinely can't tell if I’m being gaslit/manipulated or if my hormones/adhd and emotions are fogging my view of a perfectly nice man who loves me and has fucked up. They're making me believe the latter and I feel guilty and confused.

[Yrmyfavourite]

Update number two:

I went through his phone last night when he was sleeping. No messages but his internet browser showed that he had been on "meetacougar.com" on Tuesday.

I asked him what this was whilst he was at work and he said he gets spam emails from it and had clicked on it to stop receiving the emails. I asked why he would be subscribed and he said I'm not, it's spam. I said that's not how spam works but he told me I am looking for stuff that isn't there. I left it at that.

Yes, I do realise going through his phone after what happened last time is stupid.

[Yrmyfavourite]

Update number three:

Reply from my mum:

You’re not crazy. Your ADHD causes you to overthink things. Your in a bad place at the moment but we are all here to help. Love you xx

[Mummyrere]

First off - why would he even be clicking on the link on his email. He can obviously see what it is? To me this sounds like more bullshit. And is this after you had found out about the escorts etc? Because that’s just showing absolutely no remorse and will just carry on doing what he’s doing.

man’s for the part about you feeling crazy - this is how a narcissist makes you feel!!! Like you are going crazy, like you’re confused and your mind changes day from day. And yes your mum is right - she isn’t in your place so doesn’t know what he’s like, she can only see the outside. And one good thing a narcissist does is putting on a great act to other people to think they are something else. Please don’t blame your adhd or your hormones. You have a right to feel how you feel and you do know deep down how you feel but you’re getting conflicted messages from family which is just confusing when you’re in a vulnerable state. Also how dare he complain about the dishwasher not being on. Absolutely pathetic. Do it yourself you man child or there’s something called washing up by hand. Twat. Sorry but he just sounds like an absolute idiot that thinks he can have what he wants without consequences. Do what you need and what you feel in your heart is right and don’t let other people sway your views. Xxx

[Yrmyfavourite]

@Mummyrere Thank you ❤️

[MrNook]

@Yrmyfavourite

Update number three:

Reply from my mum:

You’re not crazy. Your ADHD causes you to overthink things. Your in a bad place at the moment but we are all here to help. Love you xx

Your mums gaslighting you, you're not overthinking thinks because of ADHD. You're just starting to see him for who he is now and it's a lot to process at once.

Really hope you see the light and for you and your children's sake you end things

[TicketBoo23]

@Yrmyfavourite

Update number two:

I went through his phone last night when he was sleeping. No messages but his internet browser showed that he had been on "meetacougar.com" on Tuesday.

I asked him what this was whilst he was at work and he said he gets spam emails from it and had clicked on it to stop receiving the emails. I asked why he would be subscribed and he said I'm not, it's spam. I said that's not how spam works but he told me I am looking for stuff that isn't there. I left it at that.

Yes, I do realise going through his phone after what happened last time is stupid.

Mate, this man is trying to cheat right, left and centre.

All this shit is too much of a coincidence... Messages to escorts (just a practical joke), message to cam.srx worker (was that a joke too?), Clicked on (unnecessarily) and probably signed up to a sex/dating site.

If you stay with him, he's pretty likely to cheat on you .. if he hasn't already. The Thursday nights out drinking (coming home late?) are a likely time. Funny how his messages are usually on the Thursday nights too.

And this is all while you're heavily pregnant with his second child. When he supposed to be as invested and committed as he could possibly be, excited and getting ready for your second child

The Thursday thing (and it sounds like he drinks and socialises at the weekend too) I'd taking the absolute piss, even if he wasn't cheating or trying to cheat.

Then theres the aggression, violence and nit picking.

[TicketBoo23]

I have no idea why your Mum and sister are fence sitting and evading.

I thought maybe because they think they'll alienate your isolate you or you won't follow through on leaving him etc etc.

I honestly don't know now .... Maybe they have incredibly low standards for men.

I understand you feel like you need their understanding and validation but you may not get it. And you dint actually need it. You just need their practical support if you get rid of him.

I don't have a clue what they're thinking and we'll never know without getting it from the horse's mouth

As I said - there is no fucking way a man would ever have hit my dd, in private let alone in public, that I'd not have done everything in my power to get her away from him and make sure she didn't have kids with him (or more kids if she's already had any). What did she do?

Have you stayed with him in the past against their advice so now they feel you always will?

(It's not your fault if you had, it's common behaviour) but I'm just wondering if that's why they are so inexplicably neutral etc.

[NalaNana]

To be fair the meetacouger.com does sound like spam. I just googled it and it looks like it too!

[TicketBoo23]

He just sounds like a common garden abuser.

Have you read Lundy Bancroft "Why does he do that"

I think you'd recognise him in there.

He sounds like an all-round pain in the fkg arse, I don't know how you haven't lost the plot so far.

Would you like be happier and more peaceful with him out of it?

You'd only have to have an email or mobile to arrange kids contact, and I bet he'd be shit at that too. Because it sounds like you do everything with the kids/in general ...and he wouldn't want to actually look after them. Sure he's writing off Thursday evenings, probably Fridays and weekends with his drinking and partying - only leaves him Mon to wed. And he's such a sexist bastard he won't want to do childcare (women's work) anyway.

[TicketBoo23]

He's basically got you keeping his house while he acts like a bachelor Thurs to Sun (?)

[Itstimetoquit]

I think all 3 are narcissists and your fella is still trying to cheat,this is only going to get worse x

[catlady4lyfe]

@AnyFucker

I'd wouldn't leave him over something like this

In that case, stop asking questions and get that lobotomy booked sharpish. You are going to need to find some way to convince yourself you are not clinging onto a relationship with a misogynist shagger

THIS ^

[catlady4lyfe]

@DiastasisRectiSucks

The saddest part is his lies aren’t even remotely convincing, just a jumble of obvious nonsense. He’s panicked and grasping for something anything that will just shut you up ☹️

He’s stomped off so he can get some thinking time to decide how to make his lies fit together the next time you confront him.

I cannot imagine how horrendous this must be for you. I am so sorry you are in this position 💐 Just know that if he can do this to you now when you are so vulnerable and lie to your face about it, this is the man he is. It will happen again.

Also this 100% ^

[Dotcheck]

For heaven’s sake OP- do you feel that you can’t leave unless your mum and sister agree that his behaviour is awful? The example you gave in your text is weak, and amounts to nothing more than icing on the cake.

[Mummyrere]

Any more updates?? Hope you’re holding up ok! Xx

[BeachBlondey]

You are tying yourself up in knots, trying to assess whether he is a narcissist, and whether your Mum is gaslighting you etc, but it's far simpler than that.

Forget his possible narcissism. Forget your Mum's messages. Forget your ADHD/hormones.

The hard fact, is that he interacts with prostitutes

The hard fact, is that he is sometimes violent - he scratched you and tussled with you, whilst you are carrying his baby

No woman on this planet would be happy with this. You're not over thinking. You are just like all other women, we would all be disgusted if our husband's did this. You are correct in the way that you are feeling.

Re your Mum and Sister, bear in mind that they probably can't cope with the idea of you separating right now, life is easier for them if you stay in your little box. My first H cheated on me, and my parents still didn't want me to leave him - to them in was too much disruption or upset. Far easier if I just did nothing and stayed put.

Can you imagine a scenario, where your DH is upstairs with your babies, and you are in the garage getting pissed and sending messages to local male escorts? Of course not! And can you imagine what his response to you would be, if you did do that?

Over the next few months, even years, put ducks in a row so that you can leave when you want to.