34 weeks pregnant and he's been texting escorts

[Yrmyfavourite]

Hello,

I am 34 weeks pregnant. My sisters husband has just been found to have been 'sexting' other women and today, I saw a video saying if you click edit on iphone messages, you can see recently deleted. I've never wanted to look through DH's phone before but, tonight he asked me to plug his phone in to charge and for some reason (I don't know if it was the shock of my sisters seemingly perfect husband getting caught out or just curiosity from the video i had seen) i decided to have a look and see if there were any messages in there.

He works with cars and always saves customers names as car and name as it's easier for him to find them in future. There were 4 messages to 'Alfa Amy' from 17 days ago, at 1:30am... I recovered them and immediately regretted this as, I saw four messages, which read as follows;

Looking good
Love the curves
Where you at
Where you at

All from him, no response to any.

Also, another number which wasn't saved from the same time. And he has sent "looking good Lucy" - again, no response.

I asked him straight away who she was and he started with the "who, what are you talking about" I read them out and he laughed and said "Oh it was me and my mate messing around, it's just some escort thing, it's nothing"

After pressing him about it and going on my own messages, I found that his friend had gone home hours before these messages and he had messaged me around the same time saying "I'll sleep on the sofa and let you get some rest" (I had been struggling to sleep, being pregnant and a light sleeper and he is a snorer)

He maintains that there was nothing in it and he had no intention of sneaking out to meet anyone or anything like that. He says he found the website because, his boss told him about it and says he messages girls on it. He says he saved her as that name in his phone so she would be at the top, so he could show the messages to his boss and is adamant that it was a joke and thinks I am overreacting.

My whole body is shaking and I don't know how to feel about it. On one hand, I don't believe he would ever cheat on me and go and meet anyone but, it's just the secrecy and the fact I’m laid upstairs like a beached whale at 34 weeks pregnant whilst he messages these girls. I genuinely don't think he's done it more than once.

I don't really know what sort of advice I am looking for. I'd wouldn't leave him over something like this, especially given we have a little one already and another on the way in a matter of weeks. I just think I need to talk this out with someone and I don't want to tell any of my friends or family about it.

Thanks in advance! X

[Yrmyfavourite]

@PMAmostofthetime thank you x

[ninjasnap]

Please, please leave him. He sounded like a cheater from your first post but your updates... he is a violent bully and a cheater and please do not accept this terrible behaviour from him!

[mathanxiety]

I hope you're getting some sleep now.

Gather your LO and your things tomorrow morning and go to your mum's. Tell her everything. Don't hold back. Ask her for moral support.

Your husband is a player. He doesn't respect women at all. He associates with men who are equally weak, immature, and pathetic because that's his comfort zone.

Stay strong. Get out of there. You deserve so much better than this.

[Shoxfordian]

I hope you got some sleep and you can safely go to your Mum this morning to stay with her

Don’t even think about staying with him; he’s violent and he’s probably been sleeping with escorts. I wouldn’t believe a word he says

[CoffeandTiaMaria]

@Yrmyfavourite

Update:

I just asked if this has ever happened before. He said no but me and "ex colleague from old workplace" used to message these women and 'wind them up'

Bullsh1t.
isn’t it odd how many of these slimy individuals have pathetic ‘friends’ in these situations?

[BethDuttonsTwin]

and is adamant that it was a joke and thinks I am overreacting.

He knows exactly how bad this is but is hoping to gaslight you into believing it isn’t.

[Ginger1982]

Please leave. He has shown you, once again, who he is. You gave him a chance 8 years ago and he has blown it. Texting escorts is disgusting. Please, please leave.

[Yrmyfavourite]

I think I got about 3 hours sleep in the end. I’m very tired...

He's left this morning for work and not said a word to me. Only communicated through our daughter. If I know him, he now thinks we are in a fight and if I didn't go anywhere today he would come home and act as though all was okay again.

I think you're right re: gaslighting me. He tends to be good at that whenever he's done something wrong and we end up brushing it under the carpet.

I’m definitely going to my mums today. I just don't know how much to tell her. If my dad finds out about him getting angry with me, especially given my current state, he won't easily forgive that and I know I’m silly for this and queue the 'harsh but true comments' but, I've still not made up my mind if I can actually leave him. I love him. My daughter adores him. ☹️

[MattHancocksWhiteBikini]

Once you're at your mum's I'd call women's aid or your local domestic abuse advice line today, it's really important you have a chance to talk it through.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you

[Shoxfordian]

Have some self respect and realise what he’s been doing and how he’s been treating you is unacceptable: tell your parents everything because you’re going to need support to not go back to him - he sounds toxic. Have a look for some counselling as well

[EVHead]

Big girl pants on time. You need to be strong for yourself and your children.

He doesn’t get to decide how you live your life.

Your parents don’t get to decide.

You are a grown woman with agency and choices. Make them the right ones.

You don’t need to live in fear. You don’t need to stay, and hope your children never witness their dad’s violence towards you.

I agree with contacting Women’s Aid. Get all the support you can.

[Shadesofscarlett]

Please tell your midwife about his violence. You need to log his violence with someone as this can be a gateway to getting legal aid.

[Yrmyfavourite]

I've messaged and told him I’m going to my mums today. He's apologising and maintaining the messages we're nothing. I've explained that isn't the problem anymore and I don't feel safe.

He's focusing on the fact I am going to my mums. He really doesn't want her to find out and said it will escalate and is "not necessary" he's asking me to stay at the house and saying he will go somewhere. Whilst this would be a lot easier for me... I’m still going. I don't want to be worried he will come back and I've also explained that I want to leave him so, this is already escalated. He doesn't seem to understand the severity and just says "sorry 'if' I scared you" rather than I understand I have anger issues and need help.

I told him I should've left him the first time he was violent towards me but, then I wouldn't have my little girl ☹️☹️

[Christmaspyjamas]

Well done. You are doing amazingly. Don't let his change of tactic fool you...he is just trying a new method of getting what he wants not capable of considering your feelings.

[MindatWork]

Just another voice saying you’re doing the right thing OP. It must be so so difficult but try and think of your children.

How old is your dd? She may love him but if he can behave like that to you, surely he he could do it to her as well?

[TicketBoo23]

I only managed to see one more from gone midnight 22nd December saying "eyup you live?" I've searched the number and it said WhatsApp live video calls with a well established cam girl.

So he messes online sex workers (some of whom do sex work in person too) and probably goes on cam sex sessions, bug when he messages escorts, it's entirely as a bit of joking around with his mates & boss .... Doesn't seem likely.

Also you don't get much messing around with escorts ....they're well used to time wasters and men looking to wank over conversations, they would cut it off really quickly if no pint was being arranged. Often they don't even arrange their own meetings/punts .... Someone else does it for one or more escorts. So there's rarely any scope for winding them up or messing around.

[TicketBoo23]

Punters on UK punting talk about how theyre often dealing with a sort of booker, rather than the escort themselves. Sometimes they don't even get the escort they booked; tjru get another one and just have to take them or leave them. They also mention pimps (,male) taking bookings and cslls whim they jokingly refer to as Sergei (because they're often easy European etc)

Those people are well used to time wasters as are the prostitutes themselves,; there'd be very little messing them around before theyd cut it off. They keep it to the point - time, date. any questions about services are minimal. That info is on the profiles on the web sites.

His use/attempted use of cam girls makes him sound like a punter.

He'd also violent and nasty when caught.

[TicketBoo23]

I winder would he accept it from you that you were only joking around if he caught you messaging male escorts and similar. "It's just me joking around with my mate/boss" ... I think he'd have some choice words to describe you and your mate/boss (slappers is one that comes to mind for what a guy like him would say).

Not that that's it, anyway. I think he's lying about why he messages them.

[Yrmyfavourite]

He's maintaining that it's nothing more and has never gone any further than the messages. He reckons he's not had a reply to any of the recent ones. He also keeps saying I know it looks bad but, it's not what it looks like etc.

He's even messaged me saying "I can't believe something so stupid has escalated to this"

I've sent him pictures of the scratches and bruises on my wrists and said I don't think you realise what you've done and he said "I can only apologise".

I've told him the relationship is toxic and I can't stay in it. He said "how is it toxic?" 🙄

I really appreciate everyone's kind and helpful messages and support. I've been shopping with my mum and DD (3yo btw) and we've not spoken about why I want to stay with her as, she wouldn't ask me in front of DD. I have however text my two best friends and they are helping me with it.

I’m with my sister and mum now but, my sister is working so, again we can't discuss. I still don't know if I want to tell them. My stomach is in knots about the whole thing.

[Ghostbuster2639]

He's even messaged me saying "I can't believe something so stupid has escalated to this"

Yet he doesn’t want you to tell your mum. Add gaslighting to his cheating and violence.

[BellatrixLestrangesHeatedCurlers]

He sounds like a sleazy creep. "where you at" ugh. Thank god you're out.

[Gamezup]

I bet he doesn't want your mum to find out!! His disgusting dirty little secrets are then exposed to the outside world then, aren't they?! They are HIS faults, not yours. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

[lamaze1]

He's even messaged me saying "I can't believe something so stupid has escalated to this"

Say what now? You're bruised and have cuts. That isn't stupid. It's serious. Sounds like he is only sorry he has been caught and doesn't want people to find out. You deserve better.