34 weeks pregnant and he's been texting escorts

[Yrmyfavourite]

Hello,

I am 34 weeks pregnant. My sisters husband has just been found to have been 'sexting' other women and today, I saw a video saying if you click edit on iphone messages, you can see recently deleted. I've never wanted to look through DH's phone before but, tonight he asked me to plug his phone in to charge and for some reason (I don't know if it was the shock of my sisters seemingly perfect husband getting caught out or just curiosity from the video i had seen) i decided to have a look and see if there were any messages in there.

He works with cars and always saves customers names as car and name as it's easier for him to find them in future. There were 4 messages to 'Alfa Amy' from 17 days ago, at 1:30am... I recovered them and immediately regretted this as, I saw four messages, which read as follows;

Looking good
Love the curves
Where you at
Where you at

All from him, no response to any.

Also, another number which wasn't saved from the same time. And he has sent "looking good Lucy" - again, no response.

I asked him straight away who she was and he started with the "who, what are you talking about" I read them out and he laughed and said "Oh it was me and my mate messing around, it's just some escort thing, it's nothing"

After pressing him about it and going on my own messages, I found that his friend had gone home hours before these messages and he had messaged me around the same time saying "I'll sleep on the sofa and let you get some rest" (I had been struggling to sleep, being pregnant and a light sleeper and he is a snorer)

He maintains that there was nothing in it and he had no intention of sneaking out to meet anyone or anything like that. He says he found the website because, his boss told him about it and says he messages girls on it. He says he saved her as that name in his phone so she would be at the top, so he could show the messages to his boss and is adamant that it was a joke and thinks I am overreacting.

My whole body is shaking and I don't know how to feel about it. On one hand, I don't believe he would ever cheat on me and go and meet anyone but, it's just the secrecy and the fact I’m laid upstairs like a beached whale at 34 weeks pregnant whilst he messages these girls. I genuinely don't think he's done it more than once.

I don't really know what sort of advice I am looking for. I'd wouldn't leave him over something like this, especially given we have a little one already and another on the way in a matter of weeks. I just think I need to talk this out with someone and I don't want to tell any of my friends or family about it.

Thanks in advance! X

Tell your mum, please.

You need the love of someone who really, really cares about you.

Well given that you aren't going to leave him over this, the only thing you can do is express your displeasure and ask that he doesn't do it again. Messaging prostitutes for a joke is worse than doing it for genuine reasons imo (infidelity aside).

He's lying OP.

OP . Please put yourself and your children first. The escort thing is bad enough, but the fact he assaulted you whilst heavily pregnant is disgusting .
Is this how its going to be from now on - he behaves like a dick, you dare to call him out on it and he assaults you?
Fuck that for a game of soldiers.
Of course he doesnt want you to tell people whats happened!
Abusers are the nicest people you could meet when you are in their presence. Different story behind closed doors.

Lying. Leave him. Now.

@Yrmyfavourite
Just tell them you have had a disagreement and that you would like to stay for a while, until you sort things out.

He's being untruthful, unfaithful ( whether it's just messages or not and he's been violent and caused marks)

You need to ask yourself

Will you ever trust him?
Do you want your children to witness this?
Your are pregnant whilst he's been violent, that's 10x worse.
What if he did it in front of the children or while you where holding one of them.
A toxic relationship is harmful to children.

Your hormonal so it's hard to rationalise but what would you tell anyone else in this situation?

Glad you and your daughter are safe atm

I think there'll be more of this in future, though he'll hide it better now for quite a while.

Totally aside from the likelihood that he has (at the v least) used cam sex workers and would use/has maybe even used "escorts" .... Let's say he hasn't or wouldn't (doubtful) ....

Huz attitude to women is shit. He thinks it's a laugh and a joke to waste prostitutes time. Many prostitutes are foreign women from poor countries with almost no English and gangs from the home country or elsewhere involved. Some are addicts. It's no coincidence that the beautiful young women the Ipswich serial killer murdered were all drug addicts. Any UK punting reviews will show, not the expensive "escort" at an up market hotel but jaded, pissed off, reluctant, clock watching young women from foreign countries who speak little or no English - working in shared flats ever they sometimes don't even get a bedroom a x work on mattresses put elsewhere in the flat. They are disadvantaged, and probably not truly "free".

And, of he's not lying; he thinks it's fun and a laugh to mess them around, waste their time etc.

(Not that that's why he's really messaging them, I think).

Then, when confronted with his contacting escorts and cam.sex "girls" hes aggressive and then violent to his pregnant partner. He has zero respect for women.

Rereading your op, are you definitely sure they're escorts numbers (not the can sex thing obviously) but "Amy" and 'Lucy"; are they definitely not customers or former customers or women he's got numbers for from elsewhere and he's commenting on some social media of theirs?

(But he's lied about it being "escorts" and for a joke with his boss, because if you knew it was women from wherever you'd (correctly) think he was trying to cheat with other women?

OP
please don’t let him convince you that he’s ‘ done nothing wrong’

Texting escorts may not technically be cheating, but it IS a betrayal.

I think many men think that inserting their penis into someone else is the only form of betrayal, and any other kind of shitty behaviour is ‘nothing’. Then they get busy and pull out all the stops convincing you that ‘it’s nothing’.
Betraying your partner is NOT ‘nothing’. In the same way, domestic violence ISN’T just hitting a partner.

*not the cam sex thing obviously

@TicketBoo23 thanks for the replies.

When I took his phone the second time I managed to take 3x photos of the messages with my own phone before he took the phone away (he didn't see me take them) During the hours following that where I couldn't sleep, I looked the numbers up. The "Alfa Amy" I couldn't find and after saving the number, found it also wasn't in WhatsApp. It didn't appear to exist. The second "looking good Lucy" wasn't on Google but on WhatsApp, a picture of a headless woman in her underwear and the bio read "place we live city centre" and the third one came up on Google on the website he told me about and several others. That's how I knew it was the WhatsApp live cam girl or whatever. This person had several pictures of themself on the adverts - a lady I would say 10-20 years older than myself with her breasts out and face blurred. She described herself as a milf 🙃

I've tried several times to get him to tel me what else there is but, from past experience, he will never own up to anything unless caught red handed. Often he would (as he has in this instance) attempted to lie further or minimise the problem and try to squash it and move on.

He has a day midweek every week whereby he gets drunk (not including weekends when he is socialising) sometimes he goes to the pub, sometimes he drinks with the neighbour in our garage and sometimes (fairly often) he drinks alone. I've come to call this night "Thursday club" as, it started out that he would go to the pub where we used to live on a Thursday night. Now the night itself varies but, he still gets drunk. This has never really been an issue before, other than the fact he will always come to bed early hours of the morning and I’m a light sleeper but, the odd occasion he has managed to come to bed 4/5am and not been able to go to work the next day as, he's over the limit to drive and in no fit state to do his actual work.

These messages (the three I have seen) have been from the last two "Thursday club" evenings. He missed some due to Christmas.

I could only recover recently deleted (I don't know how far back this goes) but, when I got his phone the second time and there was now about 10-15 messages in the folder (all with no number saved, including Alfa Amy) I could only go back into his message folder and scroll my way from the top to find them. He has a lot of customer messaging him so, this would take a long time either way, clicking in to each and back out again. Hence why I only managed to see the two original messages and one more message with "milf cam girl". There must be alot more than I haven't seen and I think it is a big coincidence that he has done this for the past 2 consecutive "Thursday club" evenings and when questioned, has admitted he used to do this years ago. There's a big gap of at least 7 years in between, whereby he could've been doing this and god knows what else the whole time. He of course stands by the fact I know everything and says he hasn't physically cheated.

Currently still at my mums with DD. He sent a few messages last night asking if DD was in bed and what I was doing and asking what i was doing the next day. I felt bad... lol i know. How ridiculous but, i felt bad that he was alone at our home and I was sat with my family socialising whilst DD slept upstairs. He sent one when he went to bed saying night love you (we never usually go to bed without saying it)

I realised that maybe he is a narcissist and knows what he is doing by sending these messages and being all lovely so that I feel bad and feel sorry for him. Is he trying to manipulate me or, is he just an idiot who made a mistake and he's still the person who I love who I should just forgive and go home to, before I tell anyone else and it is too late to go back on?

My family pressed me alot to find out what happened and I just said I didn't want to talk yet. I am going to my sisters today on my own and told her I think I will tell her then. I'm still on the fence. I feel very vulnerable being pregnant and with DD to consider. In the past, it would've been very easy to walk away and I didn't. I didn't know how easy it was to do it back then when he was violent. He even got arrested once for striking me in the street because the street camera picked it up. I had no babies then, why didn't I walk away ?

Sorry for such a lengthy post. I hope I don't come across as weak and pathetic. I’m just a mum who doesn't want to break up a family and I really do love my husband.

Op I BEG you to tell your mum the truth.

If what he did wasn't so bad, why would you be nervous of telling her? You don't want to tell her because you know what he's done is terrible and she will, understandbly, judge him. This isn't your shame. It's his.

Even if you gave him the benefit of the doubt, the things you know:

He's been violen to you in the past.
He's been violent to you again. While you're pregnant.
He has a habit of messaging other women (some may be escorts or cam girls, or just regular people he knows). He wants to hook up with them.
His 'explanations' don't make sense. Why is it funny? Why message them if he doesn't want to meet them?
Whichever way, he spends his nights thinkign of these other women and trying to engage with them.
He's now minimising. His comment 'something so stupid should escalate' is him saying he's made a small mistake and you've blown it out of proportion.

In reality, he's a poor partner and you can't trust him (to cheat or to hurt you). You deserve to feel safe in your own home. You deserve to know the only woman your partner wants is you.

He is vile. He is a liar. He has a history of violence which has recently re-emerged. The best thing for your children is to remove them from him. Do you want your DD to think he's the model of a partner she should seek out in life?

PLEASE tell your mum.

^ He has a drinking problem too
by the sounds of it. If you don’t want to talk to family about it can you talk to your midwife at least, maybe they can put support in place for you? Take care x

You may love your husband but he does not love you.

People show love by how they behave not by words. Talk is cheap.

He hits you.
He has almost certainly cheated on you (please don't think he had just looked, he's cheated)
He gaslights you
He physically assaulted you when you are pregnant.

He is not a nice man. He's like a cornered rat right now, trying to get you to shut up and get back in your box so you don't make trouble.

I have a daughter and if she were going through this I'd want to know, so I could help her to move on and build a better life for her and my grand children.

Your kids are not safe in this environment. They will see and hear a lot more than you think. Please get them out

You deserve so much more. You've taken the first step, just keep going x

This was me 10 years ago. My exH was texting other women, I buried my head in the sand and carried on. It got worse. He had affairs. He was violent to me and the kids. I finally ended it 4 years ago and the kids told me soon after they wished I'd done it much earlier. I was so ashamed to break up my family and I thought if I kept it all in I'd keep us together.

Please confide in your family. They will already know/suspect something is right. You are so strong and you can do this. You have so much happiness waiting for you in the future.

Oh sweetheart, my heart breaks for you because he's got you so under his spell you're sitting there trying to convince yourself he's "a nice man who's made a mistake".

He's lied, he's cheated, he's gaslit and he's been violent towards you while pregnant. He's NOT a nice man and none of what he's done could be described as mistakes.

He's desperate for you not to tell anyone because your mother and sister are NOT under his spell like you are, and will be rightly horrified. He's terrified that they will lift the wool he's spent years pulling over your eyes. If you tell them, you take away his power over you. Please tell them.

I hate to use the "think of the children" but think of your daughter. Is this the relationship you want to model for her? Would you be happy for her to be in a relationship with a man like your husband?

Love simply isn't enough. You may love him to the ends of the earth, but love can't transform a scumbag into a saint.

It's so weird because, I completely agree and I know it's wrong and his behaviour is unacceptable yet, I read everything everyone is writing on here and think ah, but they don't really know him and maybe I’m making it sound worse than it is. I can hear myself saying it and I know it sounds ridiculous but, I genuinely can't help myself feeling guilty in this situation.

My two best friends have said they don't know what I should do. One has suggested therapy. I’m going to talk to my sister about it later and see how she feels about it as, these people know him and can obviously judge the situation better than I, being a third party.

I’m scared of leaving. Not because I’m scared of what he would do, but, a newborn and a toddler on my own? How would I survive. I don't work anymore. I stopped working to be a full time mum because my recently diagnosed was too much too handle and I needed to put my family first. Would my daughter resent me for breaking up her family? Her dad is her hero.

My mum is getting frustrated and wants me to tell her. I just know that would be the nail in the coffin. He would be mad I told her and it would make the decision for me. I know. I hear you all screaming as you read this. If I weren't pregnant I maybe wouldn't be reacting so calmly but, I’m trying to give myself time to make the right choice with a clear head. My adhd is making it very noisy and difficult to think straight though.

Just think about what you wrote there:

Her dad is her hero

Firstly she is a toddler so is responding to him being her carer, not because he's a actually a wonderful human being.

Secondly, you know that he isn't a hero, far from it. He hits you and abuses you when you are pregnant. Both of these actions are criminal. Would you really want your daughter growing up to think a man who does that is a hero? you'd be setting her up for accepting a very low bar of behaviour from future partners.

You're scared to tell your mum because you know that a spotlight will be shined onto his abuse and then you'll need to face up to reality. That this is abuse and that your children are/will be raised in an abusive household. They will want to take steps to protect you and the children, and rightly so.

Your friends don't known the situation better than you. A therapist will not treat a couple whilst there is domestic abuse taking place. They will not enable you to stay in the relationship because the risk is very high of escalated violence towards you and the children.

Suggest you call Women's Aid and talk it through. They are experts in this area and can give you wonderful support.

Talk to your mum. Let her help you. Take courage from your kids and do the right thing to keep them safe x

Please ignore your friend's suggestion of therapy (unless they meant for you alone, to help get your ahead around the situation).

Even if therapy would work (which I doubt - I don't think you can therapy someone out of lying cheating and gaslighting) - do you want to be with someone who needs therapy in order to be a decent human being????

I've been married to someone I couldn't trust, walking on eggshells, wondering if I was imaginging things, waiting for the next blow up or sulk. I've also been a single parent (when I saw the light) and being a single parent is a lot more pleasant, and easier, than being with someone who you can't trust and isn't 100% on your side.

You will cope. You have supportive family and friends which is a great start. Imagine a life where you don't have to live in fear of him getting angry with your or your children. A life where your home is a place of truth and trust. Where you know where you stand. Where your children see positive role models and good relationships around them.

Think about the kind of relationships your daughter will seek out and tolerate when she's an adult if the adult male she views as her hero throughout her childhood is someone who physically assaults women, including a pregnant woman. Is that the role model you want her to have for a future partner?

Every time you argue now, if you stay together, you'll now be frightened he will assault you do you either comply with his wishes to avoid being hurt again or you'll refuse to do so and be assaulted. If you stay, they are the only two relationship dynamics you can have with him.

The longer you stay, the more likely it is she'll replicate this dynamic herself.

I think it's very wise to take your time. It's all very well strangers here advising you what to do but they won't have to live with the consequences.

It also allows you to see if he is capable of remorse and reflection or not.

I think one of the hardest things is seeing someone in a new light and letting go of illusions. But honestly he sounds like a shitebag and you are going to need support to see him as he truly is.

Exactly this
Get packing his bags

OP You say we don't really know him but quite honestly I would want to know someone like this who is unfaithful and not afraid to hit his wife. He is a scumbag and you are the only one who can't see it. I hope your family talk some sense into you.

Update:

I spoke to my mum and sister and told them everything. They are saying it is my decision etc but, they are suggesting marriage counselling.

I still don't know what to do.