34 weeks pregnant and he's been texting escorts

[Yrmyfavourite]

Hello,

I am 34 weeks pregnant. My sisters husband has just been found to have been 'sexting' other women and today, I saw a video saying if you click edit on iphone messages, you can see recently deleted. I've never wanted to look through DH's phone before but, tonight he asked me to plug his phone in to charge and for some reason (I don't know if it was the shock of my sisters seemingly perfect husband getting caught out or just curiosity from the video i had seen) i decided to have a look and see if there were any messages in there.

He works with cars and always saves customers names as car and name as it's easier for him to find them in future. There were 4 messages to 'Alfa Amy' from 17 days ago, at 1:30am... I recovered them and immediately regretted this as, I saw four messages, which read as follows;

Looking good
Love the curves
Where you at
Where you at

All from him, no response to any.

Also, another number which wasn't saved from the same time. And he has sent "looking good Lucy" - again, no response.

I asked him straight away who she was and he started with the "who, what are you talking about" I read them out and he laughed and said "Oh it was me and my mate messing around, it's just some escort thing, it's nothing"

After pressing him about it and going on my own messages, I found that his friend had gone home hours before these messages and he had messaged me around the same time saying "I'll sleep on the sofa and let you get some rest" (I had been struggling to sleep, being pregnant and a light sleeper and he is a snorer)

He maintains that there was nothing in it and he had no intention of sneaking out to meet anyone or anything like that. He says he found the website because, his boss told him about it and says he messages girls on it. He says he saved her as that name in his phone so she would be at the top, so he could show the messages to his boss and is adamant that it was a joke and thinks I am overreacting.

My whole body is shaking and I don't know how to feel about it. On one hand, I don't believe he would ever cheat on me and go and meet anyone but, it's just the secrecy and the fact I’m laid upstairs like a beached whale at 34 weeks pregnant whilst he messages these girls. I genuinely don't think he's done it more than once.

I don't really know what sort of advice I am looking for. I'd wouldn't leave him over something like this, especially given we have a little one already and another on the way in a matter of weeks. I just think I need to talk this out with someone and I don't want to tell any of my friends or family about it.

Thanks in advance! X

[Aquamarine1029]

@Yrmyfavourite

Update:

I spoke to my mum and sister and told them everything. They are saying it is my decision etc but, they are suggesting marriage counselling.

I still don't know what to do.

Your mum and sister must have shockingly low standards.

[Shadesofscarlett]

counselling will not fix this - why on earth do they think for 1 minute that you have to stay with a violent and abusive cheat?

[Ofcourseshecan]

@monsteramunch

Think about the kind of relationships your daughter will seek out and tolerate when she's an adult if the adult male she views as her hero throughout her childhood is someone who physically assaults women, including a pregnant woman. Is that the role model you want her to have for a future partner?

Every time you argue now, if you stay together, you'll now be frightened he will assault you do you either comply with his wishes to avoid being hurt again or you'll refuse to do so and be assaulted. If you stay, they are the only two relationship dynamics you can have with him.

The longer you stay, the more likely it is she'll replicate this dynamic herself.

All of this is true, OP.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. The sexting was bad enough, but the violence is unforgiveable. I hope you can find safety and happiness with your DC.

[TicketBoo23]

He even got arrested once for striking me in the street because the street camera picked it up. I had no babies then, why didn't I walk away ?

I don't know enough about it but I'm very surprised that someone watching cameras caught that or reviewing recordings caught that, and then somehow identified either of you and then arrested him.

Or was he arrested at the time because someone watching it acted very quickly and somehow got a PC onto the street before you left? Was it a protracted incident/attack that there was time for that? He must be very obviously, blatantly violent to you, for that to be picked up easily.

What did your family and friends think then?? ..... That you couldn't even go out on the town without him attacking you in public and being arrested?

Yes, in an ideal world you'd have gotten away from him then, but it's never too late. (Or to be accurate, rather it's only too late when a woman's been murdered of left with life changing injuries). Anyway, it's not too late, you can get out anytime.

It doesn't seem to get getting better, does it. You're catching him at stuff that is at absolute best extremely disrespectful to women in general and his partner in particular. The cam sex message makes it look like he uses cam sex workers (?) even if he truly never used or tried to use a prostitute. He's still aggressive and becomes violent when (rightly) challenged. Even to a heavily pregnant woman.

His mates and boss sound like skanky, "laddy" toxic masculinity type, nasty wankers.

He sounds like a thug, bully and possible cheater.

He doesn't deserve a wife and family; he's taking the fkg piss with his cam sex/escort messaging (if that's truly all he's done)and he's aggressive & violent.

[TicketBoo23]

Would my daughter resent me for breaking up her family?

Kids accept things as they are. They adjust and adapt. If you tell her the truth about the repeated violence, including when you were pregnant & the signs of cheating .... I think she'd understand.

Her dad is her hero.

As I said, Chris Watt's daughter sang that to him .... Children no nothing. They are utterly ignorant and innocent. They are not able to judge, they don't make decisions.. we judge and make decisions for them.

He can still get her "hero" (what a hero, messaging cam sex "girls" and prostitutes, pushing her Mum around when caught, already been arrested for attacking her Mum in public) ..... when he has her.

[TicketBoo23]

*If you tell her the truth about the repeated violence, including when you were pregnant & the signs of cheating .... I think she'd understand.

I mean when she's old enough.

[TicketBoo23]

@Shadesofscarlett

counselling will not fix this - why on earth do they think for 1 minute that you have to stay with a violent and abusive cheat?

Counselling is also not recommended at all gkr couples were one is an abuser/bully; which he is.

He's been arrested for partner/domestic violence FFS and he's back at it, when she's heavily pregnant. He's a text book batterer/abuser.

And what set him off - being challenged about behaviour that, if his wife was caught doing anything like that; you'd imagine he'd be beating her up, throwing her out, calling her all the names of the day etc.

The only counselling appropriate here is individual counselling for op, through women's aid maybe.

[wizzywig]

Take pics of your injuries as proof incase you need it some point down the line

[Tiredmum100]

@Yrmyfavourite

Update:

I spoke to my mum and sister and told them everything. They are saying it is my decision etc but, they are suggesting marriage counselling.

I still don't know what to do.

I would give my dd the complete opposite advice. I would say walk away now.

[KittyCatChat]

Your daughter will be proud of you when she is older.

[Mummyrere]

Hi love - really sorry this is happening to you - just to say I had a kinda similar thing happen to me - I found out my partner had been on cam websites and paying girls for live shows etc. he had also been looking up girls he knows. I really went through his phone and saw he had messaged escorts before he was with me but he swore he never met up and never done it since. It really broke my trust and just couldn’t believe he would do something like that - he’s not that type of guy. I also found out when I had our 4 month old baby so also hormones was raging. It’s been about 9 months since that has happened and not going to lie I still don’t trust him and go through his phone all the time (not healthy I know) although now he’s just better at deleting anything so I would never know. We have started counselling to see if it will help. Just some advice for you - if you can check his bank account - there is a certain reference that is for cam girl sites. You can look it up. I demanded I look through his bank statements. Also if you go on the cam girl websites (Chaturbate, freecams etc) he might still be logged in. You can see all previous conversations he’s had on there. Just a thought if you wanted to dig deeper but also again not healthy and doesn’t make you feel great but I just had to xxxx

[Dotcheck]

I suspect your mum and sisters advice is a way to stay on the fence. It is a bit of a noncommittal thing to say. They have probably seen things that made them uncomfortable with him, and also saw how devoted you are to him. If they said ‘leave’ and you didn’t, you may have distanced yourself from them.

[KettrickenSmiled]

@Yrmyfavourite

Update:

I just asked if this has ever happened before. He said no but me and "ex colleague from old workplace" used to message these women and 'wind them up'

I know you want to believe this is a drunken one-off.

But ALL these men sing the same song when they are caught - they were "only messaging" ...

It's bullshit.
He's been texting escorts for years.
He thinks it;s something to joke with his old colleague & his boss about.
I'd be leaving him for that shitty attitude to women alone - but you have history, & are about to give birth ...

Focus on your baby & yourself for now. No need to do anything, or decide anything, until you are ready.

[KettrickenSmiled]

@Yrmyfavourite

Update:

I spoke to my mum and sister and told them everything. They are saying it is my decision etc but, they are suggesting marriage counselling.

I still don't know what to do.

I can tell you what NOT to do - do NOT go to counselling with this man.

Expert therapist advise against couples counselling when one of the pair is abusive. Your sub-par misogynist is a violent abuser - the only therapy you should consider is SOLO for yourself alone.

Stay with your mum, sister or friends for at least a week.
You need time away from this dangerous & manipulative shit, so you can think straight.

[Yrmyfavourite]

I really do appreciate all of the advice

I was shocked by my mum and sisters reactions too tbh but, now I feel as though I’m overreacting on the situation. My mum told me she doesn't feel I should feel unsafe in the house with him. I said it's not like I expect he will start beating me every day but, the point is that I know what he is capable of from the past and has shown me again that he is capable of doing it. This time (unlike in the past) he was stone cold sober.

I also found out from my sister that my brother in law messaged DH and DH responded to say he thinks things have been "blown out of proportion".

I feel like I’m being gaslit and I told my mum this. I said I've read about narcissists and I really can't tell whether he's a good person who has made some mistakes or if he's a narcissist who is intentionally gaslighting me and she said no I definitely don't think that's the case.

He came to my mums on Sunday eve and we talked in person about it. He was obviously very apologetic etc but, at one point he said "you were giving it back" as though he remembered some sort of scuffle between us. I told him don't you dare and said I was cowering away from you and repeatedly telling you I was scared and you were hurting me so don't you dare make out it was some sort of fight. I often have to remind him of what actually happened in an argument/disagreement. Hence me wondering if he's just a narcissist rather than expertly forgetful.

Mum kept saying she believes he loves me and what I’m saying makes her think I love him. She seems to think if you love each other you should make it work. I kept telling her I do love him but sometimes love isn't enough.

My sister asked if I feel better for telling my mum and I don't. I feel worse because, I’m even more confused now.

[orion678]

@Yrmyfavourite A partner should NEVER make you feel afraid through aggression or violence, and he's rewriting history. Whether intentional or not, it doesn't change the fact that YOU felt afraid of him and he wants to claim that you're partly to blame. Which you aren't. Reading your latest update, it sounds like you want to leave - or at least have an extended break from him while you figure out what you want your life to look like. Your internal conflict is driven by the opinions of your sister and your mum, and the fact that you still love him. But as you say, love isn't enough. Only YOU know the right choice for you. Perhaps seek out individual counselling to work out your own feelings here, but couples counselling is not something anyone would advise where there's been violence in a relationship. And take all of the time and space you need to figure out your next steps. Nobody gets to dictate this for you, and you deserve to feel safe and loved.

[KettrickenSmiled]

Mum kept saying she believes he loves me and what I’m saying makes her think I love him. She seems to think if you love each other you should make it work. I kept telling her I do love him but sometimes love isn't enough.

Oh OP. I'm sorry to say uncomplimentary things about your mum but it needs saying - she is deluded. She is selling you a notion of happy family that does not exist for you.

He doesn't love you - personality disordered, violent people are not capable of love. Even if he were - did that "love" stop his violence?

You mum has no business dictating to you who you love.
Why should you love your abuser?
When she says "make it work" what she is saying is "I don't want my DD's marriage to break down, & I would rather she got beaten up & verbally abused than face that." It is outrageously selfish of her. Quite ... controlling in fact.
That might be something to think about, when you have space to do so - maybe even with a (solo!!!!!) counsellor.

So if you are going to stay with your mum for a while, start being cagey, & guard yourself against what she is pushing on you. If you are able to stay elsewhere that might be even better for you.

I'm sorry that telling your mum has made you feel worse. However - only a small reframing shows you that this is actually a GOOD thing. You are feeling worse because you are now suffering cognitive dissonance: your mum, who by rights should be 100% protective, is urging you to give your abuser another chance. You are doing well to recognise & reject her narrative. Please dig down & find all your strength: you are going to need to keep resisting it. Especially as H is now weaseling around, with his own make-believe stories about what happened.

Hang on in there & please arrange to talk to some good real life friends soon. The kind of friends who will support you & keep telling you how wrong your mum is.

[ChangedmynameagainforChristmas]

'Especially as H is now weaseling around, with his own make-believe stories about what happened.'

OP You really need to read this

[Yrmyfavourite]

I just told my mum that I’m feeling confused because I expected them to be more angry and tell me to leave him and she said

"We are angry with him but it is your life and you know him better than any of us. We can’t make decisions for you all we can do is support whatever you decide. But it’s important you speak to 'DH' about how you are feeling xx"

[Yrmyfavourite]

I don't understand what she means. He knows how I'm feeling?

[KettrickenSmiled]

@Yrmyfavourite

I just told my mum that I’m feeling confused because I expected them to be more angry and tell me to leave him and she said

"We are angry with him but it is your life and you know him better than any of us. We can’t make decisions for you all we can do is support whatever you decide. But it’s important you speak to 'DH' about how you are feeling xx"

That's ... a better response from mum.

But she is very wrong in telling you that you need to speak to H about anything right now, & dangerously wrong in urging you to disclose your feelings to him.

What you need right now a few days away from him, with no contact whatsoever. It is the best thing you can do for your head - you cannot think straight if he is badgering on at you. You also do not need to hear his rewriting of history, denial, & blaming of you for HIS behaviour.

[KettrickenSmiled]

@Yrmyfavourite

I don't understand what she means. He knows how I'm feeling?

Oh my dear.

I suspect she is finding it all a bit much & is pushing you away, & back to him.

For whatever reasons, that is the more comfortable outcome for her.
She is minimising his abuse, discounting his violence, & you must guard yourself very well from her "advice".

[rogueone]

Your mum and sister are supporting you- it isn’t their decision to make you need to decide what to do next.

[Yrmyfavourite]

@rogueone they definitely are supporting me. I was just confused by their reaction because, I was initially scared to tell them in thinking they would insist I left him and hate him. Their reaction was making me think maybe he's not gaslighting and maybe I am overreacting. Never for one second would I think they aren't supporting me as, they've been wonderful for being there and letting me go stay etc. and I am very grateful for that.

I wish I could make a decision. It's almost like my mind has a block on it and I just feel chronically overwhelmed. Not sure if adhd is to thank for that, pregnancy emotions or if I’m just subconsciously running from the decision.

[Eatentoomanyroses]

Someone I know went through something similar, even dick pics being sent to other women and hundred of pounds spent on cam girls that they couldn’t afford. Her mother also encouraged her to let it go. I actually think some of the older generations don’t fully understand the different ways men can cheat and don’t think it sounds serious. It’s deviant behaviour though and it will escalate. You won’t be happy. It’s better to leave him imo