34 weeks pregnant and he's been texting escorts

[Yrmyfavourite]

Hello,

I am 34 weeks pregnant. My sisters husband has just been found to have been 'sexting' other women and today, I saw a video saying if you click edit on iphone messages, you can see recently deleted. I've never wanted to look through DH's phone before but, tonight he asked me to plug his phone in to charge and for some reason (I don't know if it was the shock of my sisters seemingly perfect husband getting caught out or just curiosity from the video i had seen) i decided to have a look and see if there were any messages in there.

He works with cars and always saves customers names as car and name as it's easier for him to find them in future. There were 4 messages to 'Alfa Amy' from 17 days ago, at 1:30am... I recovered them and immediately regretted this as, I saw four messages, which read as follows;

Looking good
Love the curves
Where you at
Where you at

All from him, no response to any.

Also, another number which wasn't saved from the same time. And he has sent "looking good Lucy" - again, no response.

I asked him straight away who she was and he started with the "who, what are you talking about" I read them out and he laughed and said "Oh it was me and my mate messing around, it's just some escort thing, it's nothing"

After pressing him about it and going on my own messages, I found that his friend had gone home hours before these messages and he had messaged me around the same time saying "I'll sleep on the sofa and let you get some rest" (I had been struggling to sleep, being pregnant and a light sleeper and he is a snorer)

He maintains that there was nothing in it and he had no intention of sneaking out to meet anyone or anything like that. He says he found the website because, his boss told him about it and says he messages girls on it. He says he saved her as that name in his phone so she would be at the top, so he could show the messages to his boss and is adamant that it was a joke and thinks I am overreacting.

My whole body is shaking and I don't know how to feel about it. On one hand, I don't believe he would ever cheat on me and go and meet anyone but, it's just the secrecy and the fact I’m laid upstairs like a beached whale at 34 weeks pregnant whilst he messages these girls. I genuinely don't think he's done it more than once.

I don't really know what sort of advice I am looking for. I'd wouldn't leave him over something like this, especially given we have a little one already and another on the way in a matter of weeks. I just think I need to talk this out with someone and I don't want to tell any of my friends or family about it.

Thanks in advance! X

Honestly I know no one else will agree with me on this but if it were me (I'm also pregnant) I'd stay through gritted teeth for the first year. It would be too much of a struggle during maternity leave. Then once I was back in work I'd be off.

That said, if there is any escalation or repetition in his behaviour that scares you, you have to leave for the safety of you and your children.

If this was just about the texting escorts, I could maybe see your point (though I'd make a different choice), but there's a history of violence in this relationship and potential for that to escalate amongst the sleep deprivation and stress of a new baby. OP, only you can decide what you do next, but it sounds like you need time and space to think. It's perfectly reasonable to ask for this.

@monsteramunch I must have missed the part about him sexually harassing a blood relative, where does op mention that?!

I'm so so sorry - wrong thread and have asked for it to be deleted asap! Sorry OP!

But she says she doesn't work. And after a year she'll be more tired, more ground down, and more convinced she couldnt possibly leave her kids to go back to work etc etc.

Her best chance of escaping this shitty toxic mess, for herself and the kids, is to get out now whilst he's feeling guilty and she can remember the fear and disgust she was feeling. Give it a year and guaranteed, she's going nowhere.

@BeBraveLittlePenguin that's my worry too. I know if I don't leave now it will be brushed under the carpet and forgotten about.

But also @NalaNana I get it completely as, it's the fear of leaving whilst in my current situation and being so alone etc with a newborn and no job that is putting off me making the decision.

Sorry you're going through this OP. You dont need to decide straight away what is best. Give yourself time to think things through and do not just go back to him if you're not ready for that. Prioritise what you want and need as well as your daughter and newborn.

As an aside, hope I don't come across as rude but have you had sti checks during pregnancy? I'm assuming you will have done but thought I'd mention it. I reckon he has cheated sorry.

I had the same reaction from my mum & step dad when I disclosed what was really going on at home (no violence - mine was emotional abuse, control, general dickhead behaviour etc). My mum wanted to set up a family meeting at her dining table with me, him and both of our families!?!?!. My mum and step dad were very much on the page of "you're married, you've been together 10 years , you can't throw that away, anything can be worked at". I was so shocked because I also thought they were going to be angry on my behalf and insist I left him. I knew I needed to not be around their mindset that everything is fixable because its all to easy to just think "ah maybe I'm over reacting, maybe this will be the big argument that finally gets him to change"...so I called women's aid, went to a refuge.. my parents were supportive of my decision but even now three years later my step dad asks occasionally if I think I made the right decision - errrrrm yes! I have two happier children and an AMAZING boyfriend! I posted on here for advice in the run up to me leaving my husband and all I can say is: I am so glad I listened to their advice to get out and that I could do it on my own. One poster asked me how I'd feel if my daughter ends up in a relationship where she's being treated how I am, because that's what she'd grown up thinking relationships were..or how I'd feel if my son grew up treating women(or men) that way. I was devastated by them thoughts and it cemented my decision. I even got someone's number from here and she was going through similar, we kept each other going if we got cold feet or just needed a shoulder. Please be strong and realise that you are worth so much more. My pms are always open for a chat xxx

@dalmation4046 thank you so much for reaching out and sharing your story. I really appreciate having someone to relate to my situation!

I've come back to the house as, my daughter had preschool and other things going on and she had started to struggle with the lack of routine, having meltdowns amongst other things. I don't like how this is affecting her and I needed to come home and get more stuff etc anyway so, we've been back home the past 2 nights and she seems a lot happier and is sleeping alot better etc.

The decision I've come to at the moment is to coparent under the same roof for now and take it day by day. The new baby will be a huge transition for my daughter anyway and I need to put both her welfare and my mental health first. If I weren't pregnant, I do think I would have left him there and then but, I have told him we will have another discussion once the baby has been born and I have recovered (I’m having a c section). I know this isn't the decision most people would agree with but, I don't have the energy or luxury of time to do much else with my baby coming in 3.5 weeks.

My mum keeps asking over and over if I've spoken to him. There's nothing more to say, I don't know why she keeps pushing me to talk things through with him because, I don't have anything more to ask him or tell him. I just told her I've come to this decision and she replied and just asked if I spoke to him last night - no thoughts on the decision. I haven't spoken to him any further, I've been going up to my bedroom as soon as DD goes to bed)

I don't think your Mum is acting in your best interests in this situation.

Tbh back when he was arrested for assaulting you in public, I would have been trying to get my dd away from him to the utmost of my ability. Was she equally fence sitting and pushing you at him then.

He is an abuser (and he looks like a cheater too). This is not new, this is more shit similar to previous. Her opinions and behaviour are weird in the circumstance. Maybe she's all about the money and doesn't want you struggling as a single Mum, or depending on her more.
Maybe she thinks parents should always stick together and "work it out". That is just not appropriate in some situations.

The cab or WA could help you work out finances.

He owes you CM too.

You should qualify for UC. You can work some hours on that too and get 85% child are paid.

Ultimately she must think some level of 'cheating & beating" are normal from men, not worth leaving over (?) That he can be changed (extremely unlikely). Even if he could, sometimes it doesn't matter if someone ever changes; the damage they're done is too much to accept. She could do with some counselling about relationships herself.

Hmmm

Don’t think it’s a generational thing….

I am sorry OP but he is trying to minimise what he did and just pass it off as a joke. That's a pretty pathetic excuse.

I must say I will never understand why so many men self-distruct in this way: they have a loving wife and a kid on the way (or an existing family) and they just put that at risk to try to contact an escort, someone who in reality is simply after their money.

I really don't get how such a cheap, grubby ''thrill' is worth losing everything else.

I would not forgive that type of behaviour. You and your kid deserve better.

If you let him get away with it he will just do it again further down the line.

I must say I will never understand why so many men self-distruct in this way: they have a loving wife and a kid on the way (or an existing family) and they just put that at risk to try to contact an escort, someone who in reality is simply after their money.

They think they'll not get caught.

They think they're entitled to sex, or sexual interaction, with other women on the side. They don't actually want to be monogamous or think it's ideal or important. They think it's something you pretend to be.

No matter how lovely, attractive etc. a partner they have, some men will always be looking for sex etc with other women on the side - they either never grow out of it, or only do so when they're quite a bit older.

Rinse and repeat 😔

I really don't get how such a cheap, grubby ''thrill' is worth losing everything else.

Like this man, they think they won't get caught,.
And if they do get caught they think they'll lie (it's a joke, it's banter and practical joke on my boss/mate) and get out of it.

If their partner doubts their lies; they think they'll bullshit, minimise, gaslight, guilt, manipulate and bully them into staying with them.

They think she won't get rid of them over it (especially when it's not an affair) because she's "caught" - dependant, invested, wanting to be in a family with the father of her kids etc.

They can also probably rely on her relative's and possibly friend's low standards to help them;

"you know what men are like",
"did you argue with him/provoke him?",
"you know he has a temper",
"he's not been having an affair",
"he's not leaving you, he still wants to be with you",
"your kids need a father",
"your child adores their father",
"you can't manage money wise",
"he loves you really"
"It's not bad enough to break up over"
etc etc

I think you can see the type of op's mother here when she relates that he's actually been arrested for assaulting op in public in the past and she - presumably - didnt do everything within her power to get op away from him and impress on her that that is not within the realm of normal, healthy behaviour and he is really really not someone to get pregnant by.

My partner's sister was at one point in a relationship with a cheater type who also, I think, was physical towards her ..... She was, I think, on the fence about continuing the relationship... Her Dad had a word with him and he decided he'd cease any further contact with her.
She had a good, non abusive relationship with my cousin (who I met my partner through), then a very good, non abusive relationship with a guy she met on holiday, they're happily married now with a child. He is an excellent partner. Very loyal and supportive and responsible etc.

Her Dad gave her the opportunity to meet someone like him by standing firm about that ex and helping to get rid of him. Op has never had that from her family.

I haven't spoken to my dad about it yet. I asked my mum not to tell him about the violence but, she told me she has told him everything (I respect that I was asking a lot of her to keep secrets from my dad and understand why she told him) I wanted to discuss it with him as, I thought he would be angry but, I asked my mum what he said and she said "he is obviously angry but says he will support whatever you want to do" which is all I am hearing. I know it's only my decision but, I’m still very confused by the unbiased advice.

My dad can't be that angry as, we have tickets to a show for the kids (mine and my sisters daughter) on Saturday and I text my mum and asked if I should tell DH not to come. She said "well, it's for the kids" and then, on Sunday morning my mum, my sister and I are due to go on a spa day with my Aunt for my Aunts birthday. My mum even suggested that both DH and I stay over at her house after the show to make logistics easier on Sunday morning. She said "if you and DH are in separate beds, perhaps one of you can sleep in the bed with DD"

I feel like I’m going a bit mad. Yesterday when DH was at work I was Googling and looking at YouTube videos on whether or not someone is a narcissist and is gaslighting you. DH often pushes me away from my family, we moved away from them and I rarely go out with any friends anymore so, I’m wondering if he has isolated me or, have I done this myself and he isn't a narcissist. I’m wondering if they are scared to give me advice in case they push me away?

Again, I don't know the difference between my adhd making me overthink everything and reality. If my mum thought he was a narcissist, she wouldn't have interrupted when I said it and said no definitely not, I don't think that's the case at all.

It's very difficult to recognise when the person you are with isn't a 'textbook narcissist' and seems to be a good person. Is he a good person who has made mistakes and I’m labelling him or does he know what he's doing? Am I an idiot who can't see through his behaviour or am I overthinking and being unfair?

I am sorry OP but he is trying to minimise what he did and just pass it off as a joke. That's a pretty pathetic excuse.

Also doesn't ring true because ops caught him messaging a cam sex worker; was that somehow going to be turned into a practical joke against his boss too?? Seems unlikely.

he is obviously angry but says he will support whatever you want to do" which is all I am hearing. I know it's only my decision but, I’m still very confused by the unbiased advice.

I think some parents & siblings do this because they are afraid they will lose their dd/sister totally if they take a hard line against their partner and then she decides to continue the relationship.

People often get back together with partners, often repeatedly.. until they finish for good (if they ever do).

Apparently it typically takes a woman in an abusive relationship 7 attempts to leave and stay left.

I think this pattern of behaviour (not to mention that there are kids involved and the parents know the Dad will probably get contact and they feel they'll have to try to maintain some sort of civility) is why some parents etc sit on the fence.

They don't want their df to be even more isolated if she goes back to him.

*dd

One of my sisters was in an abusive relationship, she apparently left, she got my Mum to speak to his about not harassing her etc. She then got back together with him, my Mum disapproved and reminded her of his abusive behaviour .. My sister told her she was not the Christian she claimed to be, attending church etc., because she was not forgiving him and giving him a chance etc.

She was then more isolated for the continued abuse he returned to. She did however tell people and left him permanently after a while. (In the interim he put a car she was travelling in off the road and attached her again, locked her in his room etc. She could have been injured or even killed).

I think people are scared of scenarios like that.

They think they don't want you be blamed for keeping them away from their dd, for making her "make the wrong decision" etc.

They feel like the decision must be their dad's, not theirs. Otherwise it won't stick, they'll be blamed by their dd for it in future etc.