Getting the “ick” over money

[OreganoOregano]

Named changed as I’ve spoken to a couple of friends about this.

DP and I have been together around 8 months - were friends for around a year prior to being in a relationship. We met through work and clicked immediately. I had left exH 6 months prior to meeting him. I have a DD who is 3.5. ExH was financially abusive and contributes a minimal amount to her life.

I didn’t initially fancy DP - not my type on paper at all and genuinely saw us as friends but the more I got to know him, the more I found attractive. My main concern before getting together, which we discussed at length before anything happened, was money and finances. I am 10 years into my career, am senior management and a high earner. He retrained to move into his role and took a pay cut. He has the potential to be where I am in around 3-5 years. I told him that for us to realistically work long term, he needs to be earning more.

He is currently earning c£25k. I earn around 4 times that.

We both work in a commission based environment and he has the opportunity to earn good money fairly quickly but you do need to put in hours/graft to be successful.

Initially he was spurred on by me and was working harder to earn money and be successful however, the further into our relationship we get, he isn’t, IMO, doing what is necessary to be successful in this industry.

He has minimal disposal income and I’m naturally picking up the tab for 99% of things including paying for a holiday, paying for all meals out, he will always stay at mine. I’ve even paid for lunches out with his parents however noticing that his work ethic is dying off, I’m beginning to get the ick.

He is genuinely the loveliest, kindest person, is fantastic with my daughter, all my friends and family love him and I genuinely cannot rate him highly enough however I’ve worked really hard to come back from financial ruin after my ex and I need things to be 50:50 or at least on track to be.

We’ve had a conversation about this and he is in agreement with me/has vowed to do more and in his defence, is, but I cannot help feeling less attracted to him because of this.

What would you do in this situation? Head is saying end things. Heart is begging me to give him a chance.

If he's actually looking to you to fund a lifestyle he couldn't afford alone then that's definitely not great and he's riding on your coat tails.
But maybe he's just in a tricky position, I earn similar to him and if I was with a high earner I wouldn't be looking to you to do that, I'd be happy with the kind of lifestyle my money could achieve... They'd be welcome to be part of that, but If the high earner was asking me to join in the life they wanted/could afford then they'd have to bridge the gap as I couldn't... But I wouldn't be looking for that... So that would be their choice.

There is a difference. Which is this guy?

Meanwhile maybe he's not going to be a high earner, maybe that's not him. Sounds that would be a deal breaker. You need to look for a high flyer who is also lovely.
or
maybe he will get there, if you think so, you need to meet him where he is now while he develops his life, and meanwhile balance things out so you find joint things that don't leave you feeling annoyed about the cost.

He isn't necessarily a user just because he's fallen for someone who is earning more than him (though he might be).

Either way, I think you need to be careful that your desire to protect yourself financially (fair enough) doesn't leave him feeling like a worthless human because he's not bringing home money significantly over the national average. So please handle the situation carefully, you both deserve to keep your dignity and it's a tricky one.

For clarity, I do not want or expect him to be on 100k... but a career and financial stability is important to me. I absolutely cannot fund anything.

He made it clear from the offset that he wanted success hence why he moved into a commission based role. I found his ambition attractive. This work ethic has died down.

For those asking about the welfare of my DD, she is absolutely fine. I think it's quite clear from all of my posts that she is clearly my priority.

I appreciate I probably sound shallow but it's not even the amount he's earning, it's the expectation that everything falls to me. He does not offer at all. He will suggest places to eat/do and then look awkward when the bill comes. We live in the south where bills are high and he lives in a house share.

Does he pay for anything?

Drinks in a pub?

Takeaways?

Meals out?

Surely he can afford to stump up for a takeaway?
He's a sponger. Sorry.
And he has his feet nicely under your table.

It doesn't really sound like he was for you. It sounds to me like you jumped in to a relationship a bit too soon after your previous one finished, maybe because you do want another child and you were subconciously looking for a "Mr Dependable, potential father to my subsequent children". Have you had the children discussion? You must have discussed with him how much children cost etc.?

Also worth thinking about it all from his point of view. Before going out with you he was a single man presumably living happily within his means. Suddenly he's facing taking on another man's child and all that entails. An increase in costs, responsibility and his free time taken up by additional things like childcare - of YOUR child. And you want him to contribute more so that you can afford another maternity leave etc etc. If this were my own son I'm not sure I would be terribly thrilled with your expectation that he needs to earn more to supplement your little two-person family. It sounds like you're looking for a provider more than anything else.

@OreganoOregano if he’s suggesting the things that you’re then paying for that changes the picture somewhat! Nothing superficial about not wanting to be taken advantage of.

Ignore all these folk that are making you out to be unreasonable, OP. It would give me the ick too. Also there isn't really any coming back from the ick once you get it. Throw this one back. Just cause he's a nice guy doesn't mean he's right for you.

Little, very, very little. He's once bought me dinner in the 8 months we've been together. He's once bought me lunch (we will go for lunch once a week when I'm in the office).

Will pick up milk/a bottle of wine for me the odd occasion I've asked him to.

Bought me slippers that were 4 sizes too big and Tupperware for Christmas.

If he was working really hard and paying his way you wouldn’t be here.

That’s more the issue than his actual income.

There’s no reason why a man on a perfectly good salary can’t pay for his own parents’ meals.

You’ve got out of an abusive relationship into a cock-lodging one. You’re just grateful he’s not an arsehole.

You weren’t to know it would turn out like this. But now it has you need to move on.

You say he has minimal disposable income and you are naturally picking up the tab for 99% of things. I disagree that this is the 'natural' consequence of the difference in incomes. It is something you decided to do, or maybe a pattern you fell into without thinking it through. You could have decided to split everything 50/50 and made different choices about how to spend it.

I don't think he has done anything wrong. Maybe he thought you were happy to be generous with him. Maybe you thought so too, but as time goes on you are not so happy about it.

For clarity... I met him 6 months after my relationship as a FRIEND. It was 14 months after my relationship with exH that we started a relationship. Not even a kiss before that point. I can hardly think of that as jumping into a relationship?

Xpost, so he’s basically super tight and happy to sponge. Where is all his 25k going? Into savings or a pension I’d imagine while you fritter away money on him that could be you and your DD’s nest egg.

How old is he? Maybe he's not ready for this serious of a relationship.

If it annoys you now, it’s going to really wind you up 5 years down the line.

Break up, stay friends, find someone who cares about the money as much as you.

I find it really sad that a mans earning potential is such a deal breaker for women. It rarely is the other way round.

My husband earns substantially less than me but we’re a team and it doesn’t bother me at all tbh. We have children together though, I’m not sure if I’d feel differently about a new partner?

You are only just over a year out of your previous abusive relationship, and only 8 months into this new one. It should be fun, no so financially serious!
I think you have unreal expectations of this relationship. You are in very different places in life. You have a senior level job and a child. He's made a career change and is starting from the beginning of his new career. Completely different priorities for each of you.
It's unfair of you to pressure him to move up the career ladder to meet your financial expectations within your timeframe when he may prefer to build up experience more slowly.
If you choose to spend your money on him and doing things with him then do it graciously and without resentment. But if you do resent paying for him, then stop paying for him. If you don't enjoy spending time with him doing things that are within his budget then the relationship is not for you.

I know you're the bread winner, but he isn't poor! He could still pay for the odd lunch/dinner/drinks etc. He doesn't spend anything on you, at all. When you have a baby together, is he going to look at you when it's time to buy more nappies?!

You are fundamentally mismatched. You are a grafter and he is happy to coast and live off others. Sorry to be harsh but you are not suited.

He's bought you one meal in all this time? Crap slippers and Tupperware
Oh op he should be ashamed of himself he's a cocklodger
Cut him lose

I'm resentful because he isn't working hard. I'm working more hours than him ... he will often be late to work.... and then I'm funding everything on top.

If he was working hard, I would feel less put out.

This is exactly what I think.

OP is giving me the ick with her original post to be honest. I’m a high earner but would never pressure someone to match my pay, it’s a bit odd in my opinion.

I think it’s as simple as you aren’t aligned.

I wouldn’t be in your position either OP.

You can’t do it all and pay for it all too.

He would be the stay at home parent and then when you split he'd be the primary carer.

How old is he and in a house share? That would be a bit off putting for me too. Also, as PP have said, where is his £25k going? Although it's not a huge salary it's, what, £1500pm with minimal outgoing by the sounds of it.

This is too much of a gap. It’ll become more of an issue as time goes by.