Getting the “ick” over money

[OreganoOregano]

Named changed as I’ve spoken to a couple of friends about this.

DP and I have been together around 8 months - were friends for around a year prior to being in a relationship. We met through work and clicked immediately. I had left exH 6 months prior to meeting him. I have a DD who is 3.5. ExH was financially abusive and contributes a minimal amount to her life.

I didn’t initially fancy DP - not my type on paper at all and genuinely saw us as friends but the more I got to know him, the more I found attractive. My main concern before getting together, which we discussed at length before anything happened, was money and finances. I am 10 years into my career, am senior management and a high earner. He retrained to move into his role and took a pay cut. He has the potential to be where I am in around 3-5 years. I told him that for us to realistically work long term, he needs to be earning more.

He is currently earning c£25k. I earn around 4 times that.

We both work in a commission based environment and he has the opportunity to earn good money fairly quickly but you do need to put in hours/graft to be successful.

Initially he was spurred on by me and was working harder to earn money and be successful however, the further into our relationship we get, he isn’t, IMO, doing what is necessary to be successful in this industry.

He has minimal disposal income and I’m naturally picking up the tab for 99% of things including paying for a holiday, paying for all meals out, he will always stay at mine. I’ve even paid for lunches out with his parents however noticing that his work ethic is dying off, I’m beginning to get the ick.

He is genuinely the loveliest, kindest person, is fantastic with my daughter, all my friends and family love him and I genuinely cannot rate him highly enough however I’ve worked really hard to come back from financial ruin after my ex and I need things to be 50:50 or at least on track to be.

We’ve had a conversation about this and he is in agreement with me/has vowed to do more and in his defence, is, but I cannot help feeling less attracted to him because of this.

What would you do in this situation? Head is saying end things. Heart is begging me to give him a chance.

Being lovely and kind is the bare minimum.

That should be a given for any type of friendship, relationship, etc.

Throw this one back and raise your bar.

Oh no, the slippers and Tupperware did it.

Op, I'm not sure what it is you want from this thread.

It is abundantly clear that you're incompatible.

Are you hoping to get suggestions on how to make him suddenly a "grafter"? Because that's not going to happen quite honestly.

Take him as you find him, or not. (I would recommend not).

I haven’t RTFT but you do realise that your wage is way above average and only a small % of people will earn that and it might never be him. I think you need to be realistic. At the same time, if you fancy him less, not much you can do about that.

I also think this. Can you imagine accepting such generosity if you were the lower earner?

Morph him into a friend with benefits, then back to a friend?

I think you have to take people as they are right now. Not for the promise of who they might be one day. Either you value him irrespective of how much he earns; or he doesn't meet your long-term relationship criteria, and you should adjust your interactions accordingly.

You can spend time with your friends, love your friends, invite your friends into an extended family with your children, even (with care) sleep with your friends. Does he have to be a romantic relationship partner?

it's not even the amount he's earning, it's the expectation that everything falls to me. He does not offer at all. He will suggest places to eat/do and then look awkward when the bill comes.

Isn't this all you need to know?

It's one thing to be a bit tone-deaf or unappreciative. But this is something else! - he is actively prompting you to take him out for a good time, then fund it for him.

He's been telling you what you want to hear in all your talks about ambition, drive, & working longer hours to attract more commission - but he hasn't matched his words to action.

Unless you want to slowly but surely end up in another financially abusive relationship, I suggest you STOP paying for everything at the very least. He may even lose interest if you stop being Mrs Bountiful. Which would save you from the second option, of just calling it quits yourself.

Is there an age difference here OP?

Ultimately, if you get the ick you get the ick, but he's in quite a tricky position here. You don't want to stay in and do nothing, so you're pushing doing things that cost but you're becoming (understandably) resentful that you have to pay for it all.

Could you do the expensive stuff with mates and do the free stuff with him? At least to give him a chance to be a bit dynamic and creative?

Obviously he talked a good game to get his feet under your table, but now he's not walking the walk.

You say you were friends before you started a relationship with him, but I would put money on this being his end game all along. Ride in on a white horse while you're good and vulnerable right out of a bad relationship. Make supportive noises and act like a general good guy until you realise that he was the man of your dreams right under your nose all along.

What a shame for him that he took you for a desperate mug.

I don't know why all the angst. This isn't the relationship you thought it was going to be. He isn't the person he held himself out to be. You've only been together 8 months and he's already winding you up with his tightness and apathy. This is who he is. Just chuck him back.

And slippers four sizes too big for Christmas? Fucking hell. You have high enough standards for him but please raise them for yourself.

it's the expectation that everything falls to me. He does not offer at all. He will suggest places to eat/do and then look awkward when the bill comes.

So he's actively choosing where to eat out on your dime.

Throw this one back. It's only been 8 months. As a PP said, no need for the angst.

The 'ick' is your subconscious telling you you're becoming entwined with another financially abusive man.

Honestly, it doesn’t sound like your heart is into it either. It comes across, to me anyway, that your head and heart are in agreement that it isn’t a fit and that’s a shame. I also find freeloaders unattractive - whether that be financial, emotional, domestic - and this would be a deal breaker for me. And I do think there’s a fairly high risk that this is patterns repeating unless you sought professional support to avoid that ie thorough counselling about the financial abuse situation with ex husband. Your instincts are right here. I’d avoid getting in too deep. Good luck! x

I feel a little bit like this as well, I out earn my partner about 3:1, but I wouldn’t even consider telling then to work harder or get a better job

For crying out loud! If you'd led with this, instead of PP's fixating on his earning power, you'd have had a barrage of LTB's.

He's so clearly sponging off you that it's worrying that you didn't state these facts in your OP. Do you think your values might still be skewed from the impact your previous relationship had on you? It must have felt good to be with somebody who, in contrast to your ex, felt kind & dependable. But ... these actions aren't kind OR dependable, are they? They are the actions of a tight-fisted gold-digger.

You don't want to stay in and do nothing, so you're pushing doing things that cost

The OP has said that she doesn't want to spend all the time in the house, true. But he's pushing too, just not when it comes to paying...

it's the expectation that everything falls to me. He does not offer at all. He will suggest places to eat/do and then look awkward when the bill comes.

OP it's that bit that says you should end it. As PPs have said, he does have an income even if it doesn't match yours. ie he's already, after 8 months, thinking about your money as his. Which is why he no longer sees the need to put in the effort at work. Why should he (in his mind)? He's got money - yours. Time to let go before his entitlement gets worse.

OP, if you were a man and he was a woman in this same relationship, would you mind about the earnings difference?

If you read all OP's updates, it becomes clear that SHE is not the one pushing doing things that cost.

Throw this one back. You're too mismatched. Very sad but you will come to resent him a lot.

The tupperware and slippers are grounds enough for you to end it.Not having drive and oomph would also put me right off.

I think the salary level can be a red herring in these situations. It's about respect. If he was a really hard grafting teacher, loving his job and dedicated to his vocation, but earning a lot less, at least she could have respect for him. If he showed he's happy to pay his way, but they need to go pro rata or have cheaper experiences so he can pay 50/50, then that would be a completely different situation to his current freeloading. The ick is that she has no respect for him - and for good reason.

Everyone's whataboutery about single mums on low salaries. Well yes, if you've given up your career to have a child and look after it, and find it hard to get into high paying jobs because of ongoing child and household commitments, then you may well be a low earner, but you are probably still a hard worker if you've managed to juggle all those balls on your own (as the OP has). The OP's P has no such excuses for his situation, and does not seem to have a good enough work ethic to progress his career.

Ultimately, the OP is not required to stay in any relationship where she has no respect for her partner. Just because others would be happy to put up with the situation, doesn't mean she has to. I would say the same if the roles were reversed, and the OP was male and the P a child free female who could work harder, chooses not to, but expects to be kept.

Makes me think he will turn out to be a pretty good salesman after all 😁

Please, please I'm really not asking him to match my pay. I'm asking that he has a work ethic and does not expect me to pay for everything. I do not want to do that!

I think it's pretty clear that we perhaps need to slip into being friends. I do want him in my life - I really enjoy his company - but it's clear we're not compatible.

It doesn’t really matter what causes The Ick.

But if it’s occurred within the first 8 months of a relationship, it’s going to be a terminal case if it.

Let him go.

How old is he @OreganoOregano he sounds really young. Maybe he wants freedom as opposed to serious career.

He's 31. I'm 33.