Getting the “ick” over money

[OreganoOregano]

Named changed as I’ve spoken to a couple of friends about this.

DP and I have been together around 8 months - were friends for around a year prior to being in a relationship. We met through work and clicked immediately. I had left exH 6 months prior to meeting him. I have a DD who is 3.5. ExH was financially abusive and contributes a minimal amount to her life.

I didn’t initially fancy DP - not my type on paper at all and genuinely saw us as friends but the more I got to know him, the more I found attractive. My main concern before getting together, which we discussed at length before anything happened, was money and finances. I am 10 years into my career, am senior management and a high earner. He retrained to move into his role and took a pay cut. He has the potential to be where I am in around 3-5 years. I told him that for us to realistically work long term, he needs to be earning more.

He is currently earning c£25k. I earn around 4 times that.

We both work in a commission based environment and he has the opportunity to earn good money fairly quickly but you do need to put in hours/graft to be successful.

Initially he was spurred on by me and was working harder to earn money and be successful however, the further into our relationship we get, he isn’t, IMO, doing what is necessary to be successful in this industry.

He has minimal disposal income and I’m naturally picking up the tab for 99% of things including paying for a holiday, paying for all meals out, he will always stay at mine. I’ve even paid for lunches out with his parents however noticing that his work ethic is dying off, I’m beginning to get the ick.

He is genuinely the loveliest, kindest person, is fantastic with my daughter, all my friends and family love him and I genuinely cannot rate him highly enough however I’ve worked really hard to come back from financial ruin after my ex and I need things to be 50:50 or at least on track to be.

We’ve had a conversation about this and he is in agreement with me/has vowed to do more and in his defence, is, but I cannot help feeling less attracted to him because of this.

What would you do in this situation? Head is saying end things. Heart is begging me to give him a chance.

Yuck. OP, I know you have come out of a bad relationship but believe me when I tell you that there are men out there that are not abusive, will make you feel safe, AND will pull their weight financially. You don’t have to settle for someone who wants to use you financially just because he’s not abusive. You and your daughter deserve more than that. You don’t want her growing up thinking it’s normal for women to have to do everything and settle for a man that wants to be along for the ride.

Get rid of him and find someone that meets all of your standards, not just one or two.

What decent person 8 months into a relationship lets a single mother pay for everything?? Has he no pride ??
People standards are so so low on here, can't believe people are defending him. It would be one thing if he was trying or suggesting free/cheap things but no..
When I met my DH I was earning about a 1/4 of what he was earning. Yes he paid for more but I still paid my share of holidays, nights out.
He is a cocklodger.. RUN
Of course he is nice, they have to be something or else you would have binned him immediately.

I don't get why you started a relationship with someone on a low wage if money is so important to you. Let him go work at his own pace, and you go find yourself a man on 100k instead. You're not being fair.

I think you should end it personally. You don't respect him and it will only get worse. Let him go and he can find someone nice and less ambitious before this becomes an acrimonious separation which will negatively impact both of you finding a more suitable match.

It's an 8 month relationship and his motivation to join you as a high earner has died off in that short a time. You're right to be wary. He may be lovely in lots of ways but not right for you. There are plenty of women out there who work to live and have no issues with money and would find him perfect. That's not you though.

Realistically his chances of being an equal earning partner to you are low, even lower if he doesn't really care about it. I would be interested to know how he reacts when you pay for dinners and lunches with his family and everything else. Is he openly appreciative?

OP what confuses me is that you've already discussed ambition and plans for the future and he is still allowing you to bankroll him. That suggests a poor sense of self or a selfish character who is happy to ride on your coat tails. I would pull back and then probably end it. I would also write down all of the things I was looking for in a relationship and all of the things I wouldn't accept going forwards.

Is it the lack of drive that's giving you the ick rather than the lack of money? I.e. the not putting in the hours and seeming to coast? Coupled with the expectation of your paying for everything, I can see why it would piss you off.

You've paid for lunches, plural, with his parents?? How on earth does that happen - do they all now just assume you're picking up the bill?

I think the disparity in finances will eat away at you . I left my first husband because he had no aspiration. We were very young and I wanted things and worked hard climbing the career ladder . He made all the right noises about trying harder and changing but ultimately he wanted the 9-5 min wage job . I wanted more so left .
I found it hard having an alpha dad realising that some men aren't interested in being a provider

@workshy46
People standards are so so low on here, can't believe people are defending him. It would be one thing if he was trying or suggesting free/cheap things but no.

He may well be suggesting cheaper things. All OP said, as far as I recall, is that “she ends up paying for everything”. Which tells us very little. For all we know he would be perfectly happy staying in or going on walks etc - but the OP insists on eating out, then insists on paying the bill out of guilt/misplaced sympathy, and then gets pissed off about it. The man here sounds like he might be more of a kind and laidback, “being a high earner isn’t a priority” sort and probably doesn’t realise quite just how financially/money conservation driven OP is.

He's on £25k, with no dependents, and low bills as he's usually at yours and you provide everything, so why would he have no money to split a nice meal occasionally? Is he really on the bones of his arse to that extent, or might he be trying it on a bit?

How much does he need to earn for you to feel comfortable?

The fact you told him he has to earn more in order for things to work with you gave me the ick more than his earnings tbh. The happiest years of my life were spent with someone on minimum wage. Money cannot buy love or happiness.

He may be lovely but he's an extra mouth to feed.

Is he asking you to spend money on him or is it that you want to do things out of the range of his budget so end up paying?

Maybe he’s a user, but also maybe he’s a nice guy earning what many people earn, and if you dump him for someone with a more shark like attitude to making mega bucks in a competitive industry there might be aspects of his less money-driven personality that you find you miss.

He has the potential to be where I am in around 3-5 years. I told him that for us to realistically work long term, he needs to be earning more.

If you’ve discussed openly that it’ll take him 3-5 years to match your salary why do you now think that should’ve changed significantly within only 8 months?

Agree with this, he might need to switch to a salaried based job, but it will years to get closer to your income,

He’s using you
I’d have to end it
what if you accidentally got pregnant…I’d not want to risk that with such a man

Along with his parents apparently.

I’m actually embarrassed for him and his folks that you’ve ended up paying for their lunches out - plural. They’ve raised a cocklodger and he’s learned from them.

The guy doesn’t even cough up for a takeaway.

Yuk.

Have you missed the bit about him being happy for her to fund his lifestyle, holidays, activities, and even his own parent's meals out? But you think it's the OP who is all about money, ok.

My first thought is that it sounds like you are earning a very good salary. You have £125k+ income between the two of you, which is really not bad going by most standards although I can see the split is uneven.

Another thought I had was that if this was reveresed and you were male and your partner female, this would be really normal and no one would bat an eyelid at a man earning £100k and his partner £25k. So I guess it's quite a normal situation for a couple really, but just reversed genders.

However, you are obviously not comfortable with it and for the relationship to work, you both need to be comfortable with what you are each contributing.

It sounds like you want him to be on track to be earning more and as soon as someone says they've got "the ick" it's not really a good sign for a relationship. Do you respect him and want to be with him? If not then you have your answer.

We're you divorced from a financially abusive ex and single mum too? If not, there's no comparison.

Listen to your ick. You sound like a really high achiever, well progressed career, high salary, a kid, plus getting rid of one arsehole all before you are 40. Don't waste all that hard work on a loser. No self respecting person allows their partner to pay for everything, especially when the partner has the responsibility of a child. He sounds like he's coasting and banking on you propping up a lifestyle he can't afford for himself. You will be extremely vulnerable if you get married and have a child with him. You'll end up tied to him forever, and potentially paying for him in any divorce, even if you have paid for everything, done all the childcare and do everything domestically. He is not your equal.

He may be lovely but he's an extra mouth to feed

some of the comments on here, honestly! He sounds like a decent man earning an average wage. I don’t think he needs feeding ffs. The fact that OP ends up paying more for holidays/dinners out might be more more out of her sense of superiority/higher earnings and her insisting on going to expensive places and then insisting on paying because “he is so poor” (in her mind). Lots of people in financially unequal relationships choose to take on most/all the financial burden - but they do it happily, as their partner contributes to their life and wellbeing in other ways.

Totally depends if she’s offering/suggesting more expensive things he clearly can’t afford, or if he has an expectation she’ll cover extra costs.

Your recent past has understandably affected your attitude to money. He has a different attitude. If you're not compatible and you have gone off him, wave goodbye.